SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, I am new here. Without going too deep into my situation, just wanted to hear how you all deal with work place affair? Long story short, my fiance ended his affair 3 months ago and things are still going rough. He currently still works with his affair partner (he's been actively looking for a new job) and I am finding myself having a really hard time dealing with this. The beginning of this recovery was really rough where I would cry almost every day and would attack him with a million "why" questions. We have been doing couple counseling and we are able to manage our emotions better BUT I just feel like nothing has really changed. It's almost like, we aren't communicating better, we just aren't communicating much at all.

So, for those whose partner's affair happened at work, how do you deal with it? And is it normal to feel like nothing is changing? Perhaps changes are happening but they are so small that I just don't see/feel it right now but we are actually making progress? Help!!!

As long as your fiancé works with the other woman, you will feel this way. My wife stayed at her job for 8 grueling months before I hit my breaking point and was about to divorce if she didn't quit. Reconciliation can't even begin to begin until he quits.

On a separate note, you should seriously consider whether you want to get married to a man you know is capable of cheating on you. Reconciliation is very difficult.

Reconciliation is impossible if there is still contact between them in any way. It is probably a mistake for you to consider continuing any kind of relationship with him. He has already done something that is going to affect you for the rest of your life if you stay with him. You can find someone new to begin a relationship with and this will all be behind you some day. If you stay it will always be there and there is every possibility he will do it again.

Be smart, be strong, be true to yourself and end this relationship.

Even if he is actively trying to find a new job? I didn't push for him to just quit because that's just not a wise decision especially when there is so much competitor out there in the job front. To give some background info, we have been together for 12 years, lived together for 6 and engaged for 5. Why such a long engagement you ask? We got engaged when he was in grad school, so we wanted to wait til he was done with that and once we are more settled. But then years have gone by... Anyways, I am only giving this another chance because it was very out of character of him, he has never done anything like this before. I am not making excuses for him, what he did was wrong and he made a choice to do it, and there are days I wonder if I should stay or go because it's just too painful. The affair lasted a few months and he ended it three months ago, yet he still works with this person and I don't know how much longer I can handle. We have been going to couple counseling for a month and a half now but I am not really feeling/seeing progress. :(

I will say this as gently as I can....you need to really consider if this is how you want to begin your marriage....it will always be tainted by infidelity...things gets better with time but it never goes away...please really dig deep.

How closely do they work together?

Does anyone at work know about the affair? Does her husband?

Is he completely transparent? Do you have full access to everything?

What is he doing to become a safe partner for you?

Has he answered all of your questions?

Is he in IC to figure out why he did this?

Did he get tested for stds?

My husband didn't cheat with a co-worker. But he did use his place of business as the meeting place. We are five years past dday. He recently got another job. I consider us reconciled. But, every day when he went off to work, I would tense up. Just knowing he was sitting in the same parking lot during his lunch break was enough to trigger me. I was relieved when he found another job. I couldn't imagine how bad it would have been if he worked with the ap.

Many people here have been in your situation. Most say that,until total nc happens, they are always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

You only have his world that he doesn't speak to her, or only talks to her about work related things, necessary things. And he cheated, and lied, so his word isn't much right now...not yet anyway.

How did you find out? Did he confess, or did you find out some other way? When did you find out?

Welcome to SI, BTW.

[This message edited by confused615 at 3:23 PM, March 11th (Friday)]

They work on the same team, so there's no way he can have no contact with her.

I think some people at his work suspected the affair but I am not sure. She is single.

We are using a GPS app so I know where he is at all times.

He hasn't answered all my questions yet because like I said, we just started counseling not too long ago and it wasn't until recently that I was able to manage my emotions a little better. I felt so embarrassed and humiliated that I couldn't tell anyone about what I was going through until just a month ago. So, hopefully we will start digging deep in the affair during counseling soon.

Are you talking about the affair at all?

You shouldn't be expected to manage your emotions right now. As long as you're not violent, he needs to hear how you feel. It's crucial to R.

I'm not sure the GPS will be of any comfort. He works with her..right with her, it seems. So they don't have to go anywhere to be together.

Do you have full access to his e-mail and phone? Facebook? Have you recovered the deleted texts from his phone?

How hard is he trying to get another job?

It might be helpful if he tells his boss what happened..maybe they can move them around so they don't have so much contact.

Have you verified that she is single, from your own sources...not your wh?

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:55 PM, March 11th (Friday)]

My FWH wanted to tell his boss so that way he didn't have to work in the area knowing about the A. It was very hard and his boss (a female) sent me an email telling me that he had spoken with her. We all worked at the same organization. I called his boss and asked enough to know that indeed he really had spoken to her. His boss was very helpful and reassigned him and he didn't have to work with her.

However, because he done it before, I never trusted him while he worked there. Ultimately, my job ended and we moved out of state. That was when were were finally able to start moving past it all. I do not think we would have been successful if he continued to work with her.

Trust is very fragile anyway, working with the AP makes it even more fragile.

I agree that you should reconsider this marriage. You're hearing this from married people who have hindsight and regrets about red flags.

My biggest regret about how I handled the initial shock is that I should have separated immediately from my wh and told him reconciliation was not an option until he had no contact with the mow. Period. I wish I'd cut it right then. I didn't have the balls and I was scared, but it prolonged my pain by 2 years. He was a total coward about firing her, fearing legal issues (apparently the legal issue of marriage never worried him) so I allowed myself to be in hell way longer than necessary. I'd be further along in my healing.

I wish I had said "call me when you no longer work with her. I cannot trust you to keep me safe."

About a year after Dday, my husband asked me if I would have married him had I known he would have an affair. My answer to that is no. I would not step in front of a speeding bus either.

Do you truly want to spend the rest of your life wondering where his loyalties lie? He hasn't shown you any integrity yet...

I get your situation. My WH works with his AP and it really bothers me. We are 4 months out from DD. I find myself getting angry constantly and not trusting him. I read his emails from time to time, check his phone periodically and have GPS on him also. But my imagination runs wild with ways he could get away with continuing the affair. It would not be easy to find another job for him and he is really not interested in looking. He is trying to mend he relationship. I am just not sure I can get over it. Reconciling is super hard but I think divorce would be too (and we have a son). I am sorry he did this to you. At least having people to talk to here has helped me.

My wife called me three times a day from work, for 8 months. Then she left. It was him or her, my rules. After my wife left, she told me the full truth. Then true reconciliation started.

The AP, terrified of me, give me his work email login and password, and he would answer his phone or call me back within minutes every time I called him.

My H had a work place affair. First, he put in for a transfer of stores. We made it like that for a week while I did a horrible, disgusting 'pick me' dance. When he decided that he wanted to try to save our relationship and family, he said 'what needs to happen'. I told him that he had to go in the next day and tell them that he would not work there again. They could transfer him or fire him - I didn't care which.

They transferred him and he has not set foot in that store in 3 years now (luckily it's 40 minutes from our home).

That was not enough. The connections that could arise through them working for the same company were horribly painful and stressful for me. It turned out they broke NC after a few weeks and continued phone and text contact for 3 months after dday - until I caught them. After that, he worked at the company for another year and a half. Not until he left the company entirely and began at a new store with a new company, did peace begin to settle in to me.

We are over 3 years out. You have the pull of your 12 years together, I get that and respect that you have given so much of yourself to this relationship. I have been with my H for almost 17 years, married for nearly 12. I love the mature relationship we have now. I love the way we talk, open up to each other, all of it. But...

if we didn't have kids, I would never go through this. It doesn't end. Time helps, pain becomes less sharp and frequent, but it is always there. Which I accept willingly, and am not afraid of, but for the most part that's because of our kids. I want them to see what a healthy relationship looks like. I want them to be safe and secure and loved, I don't want to destroy their innocence or their sense of family before it has to happen.

My point is simply that you should read here a lot, and seriously consider if you want to take on 'forever' for your partner. And, that it is NOT possible to reconcile as long as the AP (affair person) is anywhere in sight. He must never see her again if you are to have even a chance of reconciling - even then it's not a guarantee.

You will be ok. Peace.

You have most responders to your post suggesting that you shouldn't marry this man. You aren't married and have no children that I can tell. I echo that sentiment. I would like to yell it but won't. IMO there is too much risk.

In a sense you might have a common law marriage. Check with a lawyer to find out your rights. Do you have property or any assets together? Did you support him in grad school? Does he make considerably more than you? Different laws in different places but I suggest check it out for yourself.

Bottom line: Run, don't walk away from this situation. Don't tie yourself more formally to him.

We have been battling for a few months and he said he tries to do everything he can to keep contact strictly work related but at the end of the day he still has feelings for her.

Which I understand, you can't get over an affair or her if you see her everyday. No we are not married nor do we have kids but I found out the other day that he's been looking for apartment. That means he plans to leave me. Everyone tells me to end it but why can't I? I'm struggling so much but I can't let go...

grayday, I can't answer that because I don't know the answer. It is trying to hold on to something that never existed in the first place. I'm supposed to be an intelligent man. I have documents. I spent my professional career, analyzing, making decisions and living with the results but evaluating the results. I do the same ranching. I did it with my children. I can't seem to do it after being betrayed. I make a decision, then change it, then make it again, then change it, repeat, repeat, repeat. It is finally sinking in that I will never be able to grasp the phantom of my fantasy. I will never get the few things that I requested as necessary to attempt R. There is nothing left.

I was married 25 years when WW started her LTA. We had children, many assets. I didn't find out for sure until we had been married 36 years married. Now grandchildren, too, and more assets. I wish I would have trusted my gut and head instead of my heart 13 years ago. I would be in a much different place than I am now.

You have no real ties to him other than emotional and possibly shared assets. You have much life ahead of you. Check with a lawyer to find out how you would be viewed as a common law spouse where you live. Protect yourself. Start the process. File before he does. Get yourself healed and move on to something much better. Easy for me to say. Harder to do but I urge you to do so.

There is no common law spouse in California, where I am.

I hope there is something that would protect a person in a "long term looks like a marriage just didn't formalize it" relationship. There are lots of shared things even if no children.

We talked about how there are two ways... 1. Stick with it and make it work 2. End it and find happiness elsewhere. But how do you know which is the right decision because there is no way to know what will happen in either situation.