SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The letter writing helped me. I wrote one to WH, one to AP (who I thought was a friend, the old double betrayal).

Not to be sent, just for me, I kept them, I pull them up every so often and edit them. I unloaded some nasty stuff in those letters.

It is hard not to be callous with someone that has hurt you so deeply.

Guess I'll give it a shot then. Just because I don't think it will help doesn't mean I shouldn't find out.

So she comes up to me in the kitchen this morning, smiling and says "I went to my first appointment yesterday", I said "good".

She says, "You're still mad and not talking to me?"

Still mad? That's when I knew she still doesn't get it. I'm not rug sweeping this. She walked up to me to try to give me a hug, I backed up and walked away.

THIS is how I'm taking control of the situation.

Is there a chance that rap boy dumped her ?

she is definitely reaching out. You guys are high school sweethearts. aren't you ?

Yes. We're both 43. Met at 16, sophomores in High School.

Feel like she's been in my life for as far back as I can remember.

Have you told her exactly what you want?

Of course, some of this should be obvious, but she isn't catching on. If you are determined to reconcile, you should tell her what you need.

I could be wrong, but total silence at this point isn't getting you anywhere.

Yeah, I know. The one time we talked, she said "so I guess you want a divorce now, you seem so angry". I said "of course I'm angry. I loved you. I still love you. How can I not be angry?" She was fishing for info.

I haven't told her what I want. Since I started the 180, I did it full force. If she tries to show me affection, I walk away. If she wants to talk, I respond as little as possible. I guess I'm being stubborn, but I'm protecting myself. Maybe it's not the healthiest way of doing this if she is taking steps to change, like counseling, telling me she misses me, so I have a wall up.

In my mind, what I want or would like, would be for her to approach me, start talking, start getting honest, answer the tough questions I have, and be remorseful. I think she is remorseful, or she wouldn't voluntarily start going to counseling for help, but feeling it and showing it are two different things.

She's always been a very headstrong, stubborn woman.

Is OM still in the picture?

I have no idea. When I say no communication, I mean as little as possible.

Her - "Hey, would you be able to pick up <daughter> and take her after school to the orthodontist"

Me - "yes"

Her - "thank you"

Me - "welcome"

And that's the extent of our daily communication.

I'm assuming you aren't going to have any discussion with her unless OM is gone and NC established?

If she does want to talk seriously that should be your requirements.

Which means at least checking the phone bill.

All I know is, she told me the more time that goes by, the more she feel a divorce is not want she wants. She said she's afraid of making the biggest mistake of her life. She voluntarily started IC. She told my cousins wife, who she is very close to, that she loves me and misses me.

Now, I don't know if -

- the other guy dumped her

- If she realized it wasn't that great

- If she felt guilty and started to miss me while it was going on

- If she is still seeing him

- what she's thinking or what she wants or intends to do

I have zero answers.

However, if you keep the 180 up long enough you will become detached as that's really what it's designed for.

I'm not even sure how or if I can check the phone bill. She opened the cell phone plan for the family while I was at work years ago. I'm on the plan, but the bill comes to the house every month and it's in her name.

Can I go to the cell phone store for our carrier and get a cell phone statement which would list all calls and text messages from her phone if I'm not the primary on the account?

Journaling your anger can be very helpful. It helped me deal with my very justifiable rage that my STBXWW could not handle.

It's in a secret account that only I know about. When I die, the journal dies.

Hi JM72,

I came little late to the thread, but do you think she was attention seeking? it seems a ver childish conduct, but from what I've read, the way she asks you the questions is like she was expecting some sort of reaction from you.

She may have been dumped or she's truly trying to get you back, either way, looking for IC is a big step (it seems like she's trying to fix herself first) and she's dismissing divorce as an option, but how do you feel now that a little more time has gone by?

AC

Attention seeking? Absolutely. It goes back to her own issues, or her being broken. She was searching for something to make her feel better, I know that.

How do I feel now? Not so much angry, but confused. I've been kept in the dark about most of it, so there is no healing until I get some honesty.

Can I go to the cell phone store for our carrier and get a cell phone statement which would list all calls and text messages from her phone if I'm not the primary on the account?

If it's only in her name? Nope you're SOL.

My ex did this - blocked me from seeing the phone bill so i wouldn't see her texting/phone activities. When she told me she wouldn't give me access, that's when I knew she was never going to change.

So sorry you are here JM.. haven't read all the responses.. but you aren't going to get her to respect you by sitting on the sidelines.

Serve that woman papers like yesterday.

See a lawyer, figure out your finances, go 180 and take control.

She thinks she can chump you and keep you around for her Plan B.... take that option away from her.

She has lost her marbles, she may or may not find them.. but that isn't your concern. Your concern is to protect YOU and those KIDS.

What she is doing is abusive. It's abuse. Don't stand for it.

Is there online access to the phone bill? If not you may be able to set one up.

Other than that try to access her phone when she's not using it and see if you can track her texting. Assuming you know the password of course.

If you don't I'd assume the affair is still ongoing.

Unhhhhhhhhh......the clown said -

I'm obsessed with Amy Schumer. She is finer than a MaF**Ka!! And by no means is she a plus size woman at 160 pounds. I have kids that are 160 pounds. But even if she was, she still be fine. I don't care if you are 160, 200, 250 pounds or even more, you can be sexy. And those men out there who don't appreciate the women you're with, that's OK. I'LL pick up your slack bros. LOL!!

I know in the program I'm supposed to pray for people that have done me wrong, but sometimes I want to say the serenity prayer and then go get a lead pipe and go to work.

[This message edited by JM72 at 7:11 PM, April 12th (Tuesday)]

I know in the program I'm supposed to pray for people that have done me wrong, but sometimes I want to say the serenity prayer and then go get a lead pipe and go to work.