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I need to talk with the divorce attorney at the meeting tomorrow night, and get some advice/feedback from my therapist. I have to do what I don't want to do, file for divorce.

you have come to the correct conclusion IMO. You know what needs to happen. It will destroy you living like you are now.

Have you at least moved her out of the bedroom ? How is she acting today ?

While the divorce filing has to happen IMO, your daily safety in this until that is done is important

One thing you should try is FULL exposure.

It is not done to be vindictive but to help stop the affair and gain you some support.

Tell your parents her parents some close friends maybe your children at least your older children.

although I think they are all old enough to know the truth.

[This message edited by convert at 11:41 AM, March 21st (Monday)]

See, that's the thing. There was a guy in her office years ago who got caught having an affair with his secretary. He was ostracized and my wife said "what an asshole".

There's a problem if you are doing something and have to lie, manipulate, and be deceptive to coworkers, family, friends, me, the kids. I know one of her biggest fears is being found out at work. That's why she texted him - "I feel so weird walking back into the building with you, like everyone can see right through me. I'm such a horrible liar"

I've told family members about the affair, and they support me, but can't or won't get involved. And they shouldn't. It's not their place. As for her side of the family, her mom passed 10 years ago, and her father is 82 with dementia. The only ones who don't know are her coworkers and the kids.

Western, I moved out of the bedroom. The last time we were intimate was in mid January, when we were in Punta Cana celebrating our 25th wedding anniversary. We laughed, held hands, when everywhere together, dinner, had sex at least once every day, and 2 weeks after that is when she said she's not happy and wants a divorce. 2 fucking weeks. So the last time we had sex was to celebrate our 25th anniversary.

How is she acting now? Angry and disgusted by me because I completely ignore her, won't even look at her, but like last night, I was watching Impractical Jokers, laughing to the point I had tears in my eyes, and I think that pissed her off even more.

Well of course it pissed her off. How dare you not fight for her?

You're doing the right thing.

Strength

Deep untreated codependency issues can be as mentally crippling as untreated alcoholism. I view her as a sick person, not a bad person.

While she very well may have CoD from the past alcohol issues, it is more complex than that. CoD is, in effect, placing your own self worth and focus in the hands of someone else and sacrificing everything to that person.

What she is doing now is exactly the opposite of that. She has become immensely self-centered. She knows that she is hurting you and the kids, but doesn't care. She has become the person that, in the past, she loathed, but she doesn't really care. She has gone to an extreme and she is exhibiting almost addiction-like symptoms -- blaming you for her issues, being unable to disconnect from her "drug", etc.

That is why you see the "file for divorce" statements. She is in deep and only extreme measures might wake her up.

Once you do talk to an attorney, don't just take a check for 1/2 of the house as, apparently, she thinks she can do that and then have the OM just move in. She thinks she can buy her way into keeping her addictive behavior going. Push to the level that you can. Make sure to take 1/2 of the value of her dream car and 1/2 of everything else. Get custody and preferential time with the kids. Make sure to protect yourself and your kids. If she is able to walk away from all that, there really isn't anything more that you can do.

Here's how I know she's lost her mind. She's a 43 year old white mother of 4 living in the suburbs. This guy is black. The clubs he goes to on the weekends are rap clubs.

My 24 year old son is also in early recovery. He's 2 months clean in a rehab out in California. He posted this on his Facebook page a few weeks back, and I guess my wife immediately knew it was a bad idea, so made him take it down. It was a snapshot of texts between the two of them. He posted -

"My Mom is cooler then your mom" - the text she sent him that he posted and she made him take it down was

- "Went to the club in Philly last night. N*ggas be all over the place. Didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning. Feel like I'm 25 all over again - lovin' life!!"

So you text our son who is in early recovery for heroin addiction that you are out partying all night, and how great it is, and he thinks it's the coolest thing in the world?

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND!?!?

Sorry for your situation but you need to take control of what you can do.

So you find out she is having an affair and she has no regret and blames you and stay out all night fucking some dbag, this after 25 years of marriage. Brother that is some messed up stuff.

File for divorce yesterday let her have the house and take the check for 60k. File for spousal support and get away from this woman.

I get it that it is hard for you to walk away from 25 years of marriage but she already made that decision for you. And let not forget that she just rubs your face in it.

Sorry brother but you absolutely are being a doormat.

Please get out of this situation your kids are old enough and she will be the one to pay for their support. Get out now. Just file and say you will accept a cashier's check for the house.

How is she acting now? Angry and disgusted by me because I completely ignore her, won't even look at her, but like last night, I was watching Impractical Jokers, laughing to the point I had tears in my eyes, and I think that pissed her off even more.

That's part of her consequences for having an affair. You detaching from her. She wants her ego stroked, by you chasing after her and pleading to her, and your not doing it. Keep it that way.

Once you serve her the divorce papers, only speak to her about financial matters, divorce matters, or matters involving the children. No personal small talk, no talk of feelings. This is what she wants, give it to her. Show her you can move on and be just fine.

And so this new escape is exactly what she needs to temporarily feel better, but from what she told her sister, she knows it won't last.

She has you lined up as good ole PLAN B. She figures this fling won't last, but it doesn't matter, good ole PLAN B (JM72) will be waiting for me, ready to take me back after I treated him like shit. Once again a massive slap to your face.

That's one of the main reasons she is getting so upset with you. Your not taking her shit anymore and she see's her PLAN B slipping away. All that bluster about divorcing you and buying your share of the house is solely designed to bluff you down, because she knows you said you didn't want to divorce. So she is going to be pissy with you, and act hurt and upset, trying to manipulate you back into a passive role so she can dictate that she has decided to give you another chance and come home.

Keep up the pressure on her. She has treated you with disrespect by flaunting her affair in your face. She is taking advantage of your love and loyalty, by thinking she can have sex with other men and you will be totally incapable of stopping her. Show her she is wrong! File for divorce! And I absolutely feel you should sit your children down and explain this mess to them before they hear about some other way. It would be better coming from the parent they trust. Stay strong brother.

I have no words, bro.

Except to cut her loose before she drags you and your kids down with her.

Just like a thousand other marble-losing cheaters here, just a different twist of the same crazy.

You can't control her, but you can completely control yourself. File, let her be finally "ALIVE" without you.

Very rare do they come back until they truly believe they are being divorced. Maybe not even then for some.

Expose expose expose. Consequences consequences consequences

 "Went to the club in Philly last night. N*ggas be all over the place. Didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning. Feel like I'm 25 all over again - lovin' life!!"

Social media makes for great evidence of character. I hope for your 17, 16, and 13yr olds sake that you are saving copies and documenting her state of "fuckedupness". Any judge would be appalled at this behavior of a parent.

My 24 year old son... text she sent him that he posted and she made him take it down was

- "Went to the club in Philly last night. N*ggas be all over the place. Didn't get home until 7:30 in the morning. Feel like I'm 25 all over again - lovin' life!!" .... HAVE YOU LOST YOUR FUCKING MIND!?!?

Brother get your kids and get the hell out of there. Any MOTHER that would send that to her SON.... I don't have the words. DIVORCE this woman, take the 65K check or sell the home and go find you a woman who will love and respect you and your kids while your still a relatively young man. She looks, to me at least, to be a lost cause. I'm sorry. Stay strong brother.

Actually, that will be GREAT evidence in determining custody.

Strength brother

yep. As Jduff said, keep the evidence. She's abandoning her kids, having an affair and acting like trash. She's also endangering herself and acting irrationally. Rap clubs in Philly are often in dangerous neighborhoods. I would have loved it if your 24 year old kept that up on facebook.

Protect yourself. Keep the 180 going and try to get her to abandon so you can change the locks legally and move on.

Talk to this attorney and file.

I do have one question though. Do you feel that it all started with that bedroom talk ? Did you, during that period of time, give her the impression or say something that made her think she can do this ?

...You deserve better but the bedroom talk thing is one thing that's sticking out in my mind...

Western... that question, is not productive.

We all know that the only reason anyone engages in WS activity... is selfishness. It isn't about the BS, it never is.

So JM72, don't listen to any "heat" you get for that. And don't beat yourself up for the bedroom talk. That whole, "This is your fault; who do you think made me this way?" crap that your WW does? That's called blame shifting. It's classic, happens all the time.

Understand this, JM72: A WS betrays their partner because they are broken. They make conscious decisions driven by their brokenness. (And yes, we BSes are broken too. Which is often why we react poorly to their betrayal or put up with years of crap they put us through.) Nothing that your WW is doing right now is because of you or anything you've done. It's about her, her desires, and her selfishness. She's just uncomfortable facing her own blame and brokenness while she's busy in La La Land with her Unicorn. Eventually though, she will have to turn and face that. You can only run for so long before you hit the brick wall of reality.

It seems that there's a very good chance that by the time she hits that wall, though, it will be neither your circus nor your monkeys.

I disagree unlovedandunbroked.

First of all, if you would even know about my history here, I am not one of those "BS blamers". In fact, I am normally the opposite, one who tells them there is no room for infidelity and pushing them to action.

My question is productive. It was not an effort to get JM72 to blame himself. He will find someone again someday and I want him to reflect on what he could have done differently in the immediate aftermath to either avert the crisis he faces now or to see warning signs better in case he is unfortunate to ever be in this situation again.

Further, I feel my thoughts to JM72 have been supportive so far so I strongly disagree with your assertion here.

[This message edited by Western at 1:00 PM, March 21st (Monday)]

and JM, you are doing well. keep on the path you are on. let us know how the talk with that attorney goes.