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How much money has your wayward spent on trips and weekends and partying? How much do you think her twice-divorced Rapper is spending on her? Is she contributing your joint money to helping his rap recording? How many rounds were 'on her' at the club? How many meals? Hotel rooms? Cabs? Cover charges for clubs? How much do you think he will take her for before he drops her and goes after a fresh target?

I strongly urge you to get a good look at your ww's financials. Does she have credit cards you don't know about? This asshole could be taking her for all she's worth, and if you are still married to her when he drops her and moves on, you'll be jointly responsible for whatever debt she has racked up.

There is a lot at stake here. This is your future and your teenage daughters' future. Get legal counsel and find out how quickly you can separate your finances from hers and get legal protection from her excesses.

Look, I did do some stuff wrong, obviously, but she's using that as her excuse to behave the way she is. Why be accountable and feel guilty when you can justify it and blame me instead?

That's ultimately my point. You aren't accountable, you aren't guilty, and there's no justification. Her actions are about her and her alone.

Western, I've seen you around the board, starting with my own original JFO thread. I know you aren't in the "Blame the BS" crowd. Just voicing my opinion.

JM72, I'd say talk to the lawyer. Get some input there. But take some time to process before you decide whether or not to file. I don't know which path is the right one for you, nobody but you does. So I'd say, just get your ducks in a row, and try to get through the day to day for a bit. Try to 180 as best you can, focus on yourself and your kids.

As you start gaining strength from the execution of the 180, you'll be in a better place to gauge her remorse or the lack thereof.

Again, just my opinion. The ball is ultimately in your court, man.

[This message edited by UnlovedAndBroked at 3:02 PM, March 21st (Monday)]

The finances are like this - she makes in the neighborhood of $90K a year. I make roughly half that. Because of that, I do most of the shopping, cooking dinner, cleaning, etc.

She received a wrongful death settlement from her mother's passing of roughly $150K. She spent alot of that on home remodeling, paying bills down, and a couple vacations. About half of that is left.

We owe $30K in total dept. She does have credit cards just in her name, my name isn't on them. $3K balance on one, $2.5K on another, etc.

We have about $120K equity in the house.

And so, minus our salaries, about $195K in equity between the money from the lawsuit and the equity in the house, and 30K in dept (not counting the mortgage, just credit cards, etc).

That's how our finances are right now. We're actually pretty good, but if she rights me a check for half (which is actually about $80K once the dept is deducted), AND my salary walks out the door with me, her reality of selling the house, selling her $47K sports car, all the fancy vacations, all gone. Unless her new guy with the child support payments for his 5 kids wants to help her out?

What caused me some confusion is, it seems the concensus on here is to file for divorce, to try to shake some sense into her. Bring her back to reality. And then I have our therapist saying, "maybe the best thing to do is let her go, fall flat on her face, and let her realize the mistakes she's making", basically, stay out of it and take care of myself.

The only difference between the two sets of advice is one to watch her do this while in the process of divorce (which can be stopped at any point before the final signing) and watching her do this while you are married and not filing.

There could be some legal risks watching her do this while you are married. Bills she might rack up smoking weed, hanging out in bars and with this OM are also half your bills.

Being married does have legal ramifications while she is out finding out for herself.

Might be one question you ask your lawyer friend, how could this affect you financially...staying married while she is out doing this.

^^^^^Great advice

Yourself, your children, and your financial well being are at stake here. I'm not going to sit here and presume as some other posters here about a D or your "next wife" (which IMHO is in the top 5 most asinine presumptions I've ever read on this forum). I will only second what others have said. Get some solid legal advice and protect yourself.

Dealing with an imbalanced spouse is no joking matter. Continue with therapy and focus on you and your children's well being. As difficult as it may sound, I agree with your therapist. Its time to cut sling load and allow your wife to fall on her face.

You're in for a ride my friend. Buckle up. There are many ups and downs as you face this infidelity monster going forward and the ramifications it will have on both your marriage and yourself.

While there are many folks on here who have and will continue offer gems of advice and support, as a group we are not infallible. We are a microcosm of society, all with our own opinions based on our own experiences. There is no one size fits all. Feel free to take what fits and cast aside what does not.

So you'll be getting child support.

Was the wrongful death settlement in her name? If she moved the money into joint accounts, it's considered a gift to the marriage and you split it. If you never comingled, it's hers.

Everyone - if you inherit money OPEN A NEW ACCOUNT IN YOUR NAME ONLY.

Just a couple of thought regarding your therapist. I assume you hired him/her to help you. How is watching your WW crash and burn help with that? How would picking up the pieces make you a better person or father? Is the therapist trying to help you or save the M? I dont think you have a good one. JMHO, YMMV.

IDK, this site holds the cumulative knowledge of more than 50 thousand people who have walked this path before you, it might behoove you to heed at least some of the advice. That said, take what you need, leave the rest.

Her job is one time away from an arrest for drugs.

How does a therapist get trained in how to know what to do when dealing with a cheater? Is there a textbook I can read? I know some therapists who have been cheaters. My opinion is there are good ones, there are bad ones, there are some good for some types of situations, some not so great at others, and they only get paid if you keep coming.

My impression is they tell you "options.". If you tell them you don't want a divorce, then maybe they don't give you that option.

My advice, don't let a "professional" to tell you whether to stay married or not. You like the idea the professional told you, that's why you are doing it. If the therapist told you to cut off three of your fingers to make her feel sorry, you wouldn't do that whether just because the therapist was a "professional."

I don't believe in "wait and see" unless you are happy about you're current situation about "wait and seeing."

It took your wife 25 years to "wait and see" you were a bad husband, bad enough to leave. How long will she wait and see with the bad rapper?

Most cheaters I've seen enjoy the affair, new sex, thrill, butterflies, feels "alive" for the first time since high school, but also likes to be the good wife and mom, sterling reputation, not a "liar" or a "cheater" or "adulterer." So some start saying "I divorced my husband emotionally, so it's not cheating anymore."

Best way to handle this is to stop allowing her to use you. She is using you for security, stability, reputation, taking care of chores, kids, etc. Remove from all husbandly and spousely duties. Truly consider divorcing, because even when the hamster is spinning in the wheel in her brain, she still can understand that divorcing means "ENOUGH."

None of us "wanted" to divorce. We could have divorced her before she cheated. I was ready to divorce because I prefer it to her continuing her cheating. Do not file divorce just as a ploy, she will see right through it. When you truly have had enough, you will be ready to file. As bad as she is, I can't imagine this will be that long.

Yeah, about therapists. My WW became a cheater after a family friend, a licensed LMFT, suggested she get on Ashley Madison. Then in MC our therapist enabled WW to continue to lie and cheat.

Don't put your life in the hands of a marriage therapist. If you use them, listen, but don't follow blindly.

[This message edited by healingroad at 3:47 PM, March 21st (Monday)]

And then I have our therapist saying, "maybe the best thing to do is let her go, fall flat on her face, and let her realize the mistakes she's making", basically, stay out of it and take care of myself.

So do I listen to the professional, or everyone else that has gone through it?

You've received some great input on this, but let me add two additional points.

1. You have a core need to be loved and respected from any healthy relationship you are in. Above and beyond all other relationships, that is especially true with marriage. An affair is the absolute height of disrespect and a lack of love. Tolerating an affair that won't end is willing subjecting yourself to ongoing emotional and psychological abuse. You will feel it slowly suck the life out of you.

2. What would you advise your kids to do if they were in the same situation? However you are handling it is what you are modeling for them to repeat in the future.

I think it is very important that you respect yourself enough to not tolerate this behavior and that you demonstrate your love for your kids by doing whatever is necessary support them and to shield/separate them from her.

Ask your therapist...

"So you are telling me to just allow myself to be emotionally and psychologically abused in order to wait this whole thing out?"

"What about the impact that my wife is already having on our kids?"

"How am I modeling healthy behaviors for my kids by letting her cheat openly on me?"

I was watching Impractical Jokers, laughing to the point I had tears in my eyes

Laughter is one of the best stress relievers, subconsciously you're venting all the bad stress that's accumulated inside of you. Not that it takes everything away, but it helps lighten the load a bit.

Yeah, the shitty part is, I quit smoking 3 months ago, for both of us. 3 months without a cigarette, and I'm starting to bum smokes again.

I had it beat, now I'm going right back to it.

Dear JM,

I was in a similar situation. I had my then husband served at work, he told me, it was like someone hit me with a bat.

I told him, you blew up my world.

I am divorced now and very happy.

I don't think my ex is doing so well

I would disengage and detach from her..Especially if you have some ducks to line up before filing..Kick her out of the bedroom..

File for divorce as soon as your logistically able to, don't wait for her to file first..

After being treated the way she has treated you, I wouldn't care whether or not I had her respect..I simply would not want her in my life anymore..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:17 PM, March 21st (Monday)]

Yeah, the shitty part is, I quit smoking 3 months ago, for both of us. 3 months without a cigarette, and I'm starting to bum smokes again.

I had it beat, now I'm going right back to it.

Dude. Now you are preaching to the choir.

I quit smoking like 8 years ago. D-Day... yeah, first thing I did was leave work. Second thing I did was open my own bank account. Third thing: Bought a pack of Camel Turkish Gold.

I've been effin' chain smoking ever since. And I've tried to quit at least 3 times since D-Day, well after the point of full blown addiction again.

Since you're kinda just starting back up, I just wanna say stop. Just stop. It feels like it helps, but it's a bitch to stop again. Find something else when the stress makes you want to smoke. Squeeze a stress ball. Chew some gum. Choke a boxcar hobo. Okay, don't choke the hobo.

Dude. I'm a year out and I am so unhappy with myself for starting smoking so many years of having quit. Don't. Just don't.

Squeeze a stress ball. Chew some gum. Choke a boxcar hobo. Okay, don't choke the hobo.

Choking the chicken, however, is safe and effective.

Yeah, the shitty part is, I quit smoking 3 months ago, for both of us. 3 months without a cigarette, and I'm starting to bum smokes again.

I had it beat, now I'm going right back to it.

I feel ya. AA drop out, here.

Hang in there

Maybe your wife's marbles are in the same place my husband's are. I'm replying because it struck me that our stories are similar in that our spouses just seemed to lose their minds one day. My dday was in November, and his marbles are yet to be located. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago.

Don't listen to anything she says to you but watch what she does carefully. I had thoughts of reconciliation in the beginning, but I decided that if it was such a tough decision between me and OW, I wanted out of the competition.

So sorry you're here, man does it suck. Now you get to be the one sane parent. Also, the son in rehab...I've been through that too with my 26 year old stepson (from WH's first marriage). It's scary, but he's doing well and has a job as a writer for a website. I hope your wife's crazy doesn't impact his recovery.

What helped me the most was ignoring WH, spending lots of time with my kids and worrying about myself, not him. You can't fix her crazy. Also, people say it gets better, and it does, but it's not a straight climb. It's more of a roller coaster, okay one day, on top another, down below sea level the next. You can make it through this,

I had thoughts of reconciliation in the beginning, but I decided that if it was such a tough decision between me and OW, I wanted out of the competition.

Yeah, Limbo eventually provides some rather stark clarity.

I just read the "Newbies...important information" thread by the folks of SI Staff. #2 stood out to me, it's where I'm at.

I'm so fucking confused. Tons of people have said file for divorce immediately. #2 in the thread above says not to make any significant decisions if you are emotionally unstable.

I spoke to my AA sponsor tonight who went through a similar situation. He said the choice is mine, but his opinion is, he wouldn't do it. He thinks it's a big mistake.

I spoke to a friend from another board who is a licensed psychologist. She has known us both for a year or so. She has a TON of experience with these type of situations, and said it's the wrong move (filing for divorce). She said it very well could backfire if she's still mad enough.

It seems my friend, the psychologist, thinks this will fizzle out, just as the other therapist said. I can forgive her, and would forgive her, but we would both have to put the work in to heal.

There's no justification for what she's doing, but part of it was my fault. Living with a dry drunk for the last 15 years hasn't exactly been fun for her. I fell into a deep depression 3-4 years back, was put on the antidepressant Efexir, and there were some sexual side effects. We went 2 years without having sex. That's neglect on my part. There has been alot of emotional turmoil with me not going to meetings. I need to own that.

I do still love her. I'm still in love with her, but I'm angry. I don't know what to do next, I honestly don't.

Like it might backfire and she'll start fucking someone other than you?