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Thing is, I know she's still confused. You can't tell me last week that the more time that goes by, the more doubts you have, and it might be the biggest mistake of your life.

This talk got ugly tonight quick. I told her everything I was holding in. Now she's full speed ahead with the divorce.

What triggered me is, she had this attitude like "this is the way it is. I told you I was going to do this". When I didn't accept the situation, all hell broke loose and because I'm "being difficult", she'll happily file for divorce.

And then she says "proves the kind of person I thought you were if you are gonna take what I've worked for over the last 25 years"

I don't know this person.

You absolutely don't *know* what's going through her mind right now. Please, PLEASE don't make that assumption. Her comments and more importantly her actions, as described by you,point in a much different direction IMO.

I think she's gonna come at you with both barrels blazing. You need to protect yourself. Everything is going to be your fault.

Can I ask if she ever once truly apologized during your M? Without adding, but...

Have you ever looked up the symptoms of bi-polar or borderline personality disorder?

Her apologizing is like pulling teeth. Maybe once every 3 years.

I on the other hand, always admit when I screwed up, which was an apology about 5 times a week.

JM,

You are an intelligent guy but you are hurt and still in denial. She just told you it was OK what she is doing because she was honest with you, and that if she breaks up with rapper that she will find other men. That is what you are refusing to believe and in denial about. You are still thinking if he dumps her she will want to be monogamous with you. She keeps telling you different. You must believe her.

She wants an open marriage and she will gladly skip the divorce. All you have to do is agree to let her date.

If you want to be married to her that badly, then she has told you how to accomplish that.

You keep getting to the angry stage, which is good, but then sli0p back into denial

I have read here a few times

BELIEVE WHAT SHE SAYS. SHE WANTS TO BE MARRIED AND DATE OTHER MEN. She has been consistent in that

I'm still trying to figure this out. None of it makes sense.

She's having an affair...

She took her wedding rings off...

She told me she has lost respect for me...

She has feelings for someone else...

She tells me getting a divorce might be the biggest mistake of her life, A WEEK AGO...

She tells me the more time that goes by, the more she's doubting a divorce is what she wants A WEEK AGO...

And then tonight, when I want to have a talk about where we stand, she tells me she is doing what she told me she was going to do - date other guys while we are "separated" to see what else is out there, that we got married so young, she has nothing to compare it to.

This is psychotic reasoning. And since I don't like it, "fine, I'll file the divorce papers"

Is she that fucking out of her mind? Does any of what she's saying or doing come across as "normal"?

JM,

Of course it is not normal. A divorce is NOT necessarily what she wants. She would like a polyamorous marriage. I guarantee you if you tell her it's OK if she dates she will gladly come home. Maybe even give up this ass hole she is seeing. Right now, he's her only option other than you.

Stop trying to rationalize what she is saying. Of course she knows she may be making a mistake.

JM you have tried everything you know to try to reason with her. But so far she has backed you down every time.

You cannot sugar coat this any more. Either you beg her to come back and let her do what she wants or you file for divorce. It does not happen instantaneously, but what it does do is make it clear she is out of time to either stop the crap or live her single life.

Your thread has gone on 27 pages and her position has not changed, other than she has thrown you a few tidbits. Her goal her is clear and simple. To not be divorced and to be free to date. You can say anything you like but that is where you are at.

Only you can make the decision. No one here has been able to convince you yet to force her hand. It sucks but you are not getting anywhere here spinning in circles with her.

Honestly you're going to drive yourself even crazier trying to psychoanalyze her. Especially trying to compare the things she says vs the things she does.

I can't say I'm surprised how this all turned out because her actions have been much clearer than what she's been telling you verbally.

Get back on the 180, stop engaging, file for divorce. You've done what you could.

Sorry it had to come down to this though.

And then tonight, when I want to have a talk about where we stand, she tells me she is doing what she told me she was going to do - date other guys while we are "separated" to see what else is out there, that we got married so young, she has nothing to compare it to.

This is psychotic reasoning. And since I don't like it, "fine, I'll file the divorce papers"

She is telling you that she fucked this other guy to see what living the wild life would feel like, and if you don't like it... then fuck you! She will file for divorce.

Ok. That said, I was wrong earlier when I thought she was reaching out to you. She is basically a cake eating cheater, that is totally unremorseful.

Brother, I know you made mistakes. But you need to get a good lawyer and file for divorce. Don't let this cheating, woman rub your nose in the dirt, and then order you to smile. Give this woman the divorce she thinks she is threatening you with. I bet if you turn the tables on her and file, you will find yourself in control of the narrative of this conversation. She is trying to control you, and make you accept her whorish activities.

[This message edited by longforgotten at 12:52 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Your topic title has it right, she lost her marbles. They most all do. Don't bother trying to make sense of that type of crazy.

I'm still trying to figure this out. None of it makes sense.

Actually JM72, it does. It makes a lot of sense...it's just that you don't want to "understand" it just yet. Your wife has laid it out pretty clearly for you:

She's having an affair...

Because she wants to and your knowing about it won't stop her from doing what she wants to do.

She took her wedding rings off...

Because she doesn't want to appear unavailable for her affair partner or for the next conquest.

She told me she has lost respect for me...

Because you are the "bad guy" in her world. Your mere presence as The Husband reminds her that what she is doing is wrong.

She has feelings for someone else...

Because she's actively in an affair with him, and most women become very emotionally attached before they are willing to get physical.

She tells me getting a divorce might be the biggest mistake of her life, A WEEK AGO...

*Don't get hung up on what she said "a week ago". She's no dummy - she's playing you like a well-tuned fiddle - and given you just a glimmer of hope for you to hang onto (which you have, obviously)*

She tells me the more time that goes by, the more she's doubting a divorce is what she wants

Because the more time goes by, she likely sees how much she'll be giving up, and most likely it's that hit to her $tandard of living that's making her think twice, not you and the kids.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please heed the advice you're being given now and retain the services of the best lawyer you can get.

The only time you got her respect was when you froze her out.

Again, this is what I feel and I am not trying to attack you or criticize you.

The moment you sent the "I am so proud you", you lost all the progress. Your reasons for sending it might be noble but they looked desperate for a person like her and it showed immediately. It showed that she can have you dance to her tune and manipulate you easily. All it too was one single IC session which you did not was about and it gave you so much hope.

She is treating you worse than dirt on the sole of her feet. She seems to have no respect for you as a man or a husband or the father of the kids. She thinks very little of you because she earns more than you.

You made great progress until a week back. Go back to the mindset.

She tells me getting a divorce might be the biggest mistake of her life, A WEEK AGO...

It means exactly that. Mistake of her life. Nothing to do with actually loving you.

[This message edited by kimichi at 8:13 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Yeah, I know. The manipulation got to me. She has been wanting to talk, so we talked. I wanted to know what direction we were going in because, well, she indicated the more time that goes by, the more she is doubting a divorce is what she wants.

I mentioned that to her, that if that's what she meant, you can't be seeing someone else. That's when the manipulation started. She said "I knew I shouldn't have told you that, now you are going to twist it to use against me". Twist it? By bringing up something YOU said?

And then she said this whole thing started because of my flirting with the cat lady.

And then she said I undermine her parenting with the kids if I disagree with her on stuff. Basically, if the kids have problems or do something wrong, it's because I allow it. Guess she feels I'm a bad father and roll model.

I know none of this is true, I'm just giving insight to her trying to rationalize all her behaviors.

[This message edited by JM72 at 8:24 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

I don't really want to sound harsh but why should she stop doing what she wants. You have set no clear boundaries. Its like you are living off the bread crumbs she is offering hoping she will wake up and come back to you. She is going to keep doing exactly what she wants to as long as you allow it.

I personally would have divorce papers drawn up and make her put on the spot. Just tell her if you want to go see what its like out there then do it as a divorced woman. You will not do it while your married to me.

Sure there is a chance she will just sign and walk away but honestly it doesn't look like your life is going to be all that great if she goes through with her plans.

C

I'm just giving insight to her trying to rationalize all her behaviors.

You can't rationalize the incomprehensible. You can't rationalize outright gas-lighting and blame-shifting.

Like I said, you are going to drive yourself up a wall if you keep wasting your time trying to make sense of what she's doing, saying, and thinking. Because she isn't thinking rationally. She's thinking based on her emotions, hormones, and endorphins.

[This message edited by JS84 at 8:38 AM, April 14th (Thursday)]

Waywards always exaggerate and make things up like that. The crap I found out what my wife said about me during that time was crazy . When I confronted her on each and every point after the smoke cleared she admitted as much. It's what they use to justify the behavior ,but none of it is an excuse for cheating. Your wife will cake eat as long as you let her. She has lost respect for you . If you file now it will give you control instead of her.

I agree. The situation the way it is, is unacceptable. I told her that last night. Told her if we get a divorce, I KNOW I'm going to be comfortable finacially. Maybe I shouldn't have even clued her in to that, but for me, it felt good to throw a dose of reality into the equation.

She responded with what I wrote yesterday -

"So now you want to take what I've earned, everything I've worked my ass off for over the last 25 years, sticking by you through everything? Nice. Exactly the kind of person I thought u were"

I responded -

"I didn't ask for or want this situation. This is what YOU wanted. I still loved you. You openly told me you lost respect for me, and see what else is out there. I guess you felt you settled by being with me. Whatever happens from this point forward, it's because that's what YOU choose"

Understand, she's had bottled up anger and resentments about my drinking and other issues for the last 25 years.

Dude. No. You just got a 20-year chip. I call bullshit on her resentment.

File file file!!!!

"I didn't ask for or want this situation. This is what YOU wanted. I still loved you. You openly told me you lost respect for me, and see what else is out there. I guess you felt you settled by being with me. Whatever happens from this point forward, it's because that's what YOU choose"

Its good to see you put this back into perspective for her. I think you need to prepare yourself for a real fight if you divorce. I agree she is not really thinking all that straight. Its not just her money. Her building herself up for years was with your support and help. This is why most states are 50/50. I would just draw the papers up and let her read where you stand.

I am really sorry your going through this.

C

When I didn't accept the situation, all hell broke loose and because I'm "being difficult", she'll happily file for divorce.

"So now you want to take what I've earned, everything I've worked my ass off for over the last 25 years, sticking by you through everything? Nice. Exactly the kind of person I thought u were"

She fucked up. She has telegraphed her next move. She's going to file with completely unreasonable terms. Then, you're going to look like the bad guy by attempting to modify those *reasonable* terms.

You need a lawyer. You need to file.

Yesterday.

Did you look into those personality types I suggested? Add to that list Narcissistic Personality disorder. How much or how many does she fit?

Strength