SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In her mind, she's not happy, but the blame is on me.

She certainly seems to have her blamethrower nozzles set on "wide dispersal."

Hi.

My advice would be to go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. I know you probably think she wouldn't do that, but considering her cheating you don't know her as well as you did. As all of us who were betrayed thought we knew our partners. Furthermore, if possible, ask a friend to stay with you for a while under some false pretext, to act as a witness against her false allegations.

Take other precautions. Please, don't underestimate her...

JML, by "clean out" I mean move from your joint account into an account in her name and that she only has access to.

My WW did that to me to the tune of 19K without warning.

Regarding VAR - make sure you know their legality.I believe NJ has one party consent - which means it is legal - a a quick email to lawyer can make sure.

I would avoid talking to her. I would keep a record of all texts and e-mails.

Avoid showing any sign of anger. Make copies of all of her online statements.

JM, my fWW actively blamed me in the months following D-day as well. That shit hurt. And my fWW pretty much said the same shit: she was unhappy for years, I didn't support her enough, wasn't there for her, pushed her away, made her feel unwanted, unloved undesirable, etc., etc.

At every turn (almost, anyway), I would simply challenge her to explain how any of that justifies infidelity and debasing herself in such a deplorable manner. Eventually, she started to realize just how ridiculous all of those "reasons" and "excuses" really were.

I don't know if this will work with your WW, but being extremely calm and detached, almost aloof, and challenging her to justify herself--and never letting up--might just make her think about her own shit for a while. When you refuse to allow her to justify her actions and behavior--almost to the point of stonewalling everything else--she will exhaust all of her reason and excuses and be left with nothing but the plain, ugly, sordid truth.

Of course, if you're intending to D, and I certainly wouldn't blame you , who the hell cares if she can ever own her shit, she'll be taking with her when she leaves, anyway.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 12:54 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]

blamethrower

Nice! This term is just so perfect, I can't believe I've never heard it before!

I learned a long time ago not to deal with people once they'd gone to Crazy Town. That was a long and painful lesson for me.

What I learned was nothing I said, or did or explained or pleaded or shouted made the slightest goddamn difference. Nada. Zippo. Zilch.

Your wife wants to keep having an affair with the hood rat. This is of course made easy because she still has you as her husband. She has a home and a family. Once divorced the reality will sink in and she'll realize the hood rat won't pay for nickels worth of anything she needs.

From a distance and time I can feel sorry for the person I was dealing with but my advice to you is to wish your wife well and good luck and then you get the hell away from her. Politely Co-Parent the children but cut all contact other than that.

Crazy Town. When you get away from it you will feel like a free man, like someone who got out of jail. It's a great feeling.

Stop engaging.

You're fighting a losing war and you're fighting crazy..you just can't fight crazy.

Shout until the cows come home because you're trying to get her to own up to her sh*t, but you'll lose every single time because at this moment you're just an obstacle to her "happiness" with OM.

The more you fight, the more she'll dig her heels in, the more she'll feel justified to roll out every excuse as to why she's doing what she's doing, how you made her unhappy and how she doesn't want to hurt you but she needs to be happy. It's a beautiful play because she gets to disrespect you, build up this drama while simultaneously getting her ego kibbles, two men wanting/fighting for her.

She's an adult. You're being this awful guy getting in the way of her happiness, then let her go. Don't fight her, don't engage her, stop being her emotional punch bag because she'll drag you down man, and when/if she's gone you'll be dealing with the fallout emotionally for years.

Disengage and start to take care of self.

She texted me that she wants to talk. I said I only talk in person. She said -

I find it easier to write out my emotions, should I write you a letter?

I said fine, write a letter.

I know it's gonna just be more bullshit and avoidance, so let her write a book if she wants.

Actually it's the best way to get documentation.

And yea, it doesn't feel right.

I know it's gonna just be more bullshit and avoidance, so let her write a book if she wants.

She may have felt that way, and your addiction may have contributed to it. Still, nothing justifies cheating on her marriage vows. End the marriage BEFORE you pick out your next "soulmate." Sheesh. She sure is foggy. And blameshifty.

Another way to try to rationalize, and justify the affair so she tries to feel less guilty.

Let the bullshit begin.

Actually, she's fucking nuts...

My WW wanted to avoid talking because the consequences were made real.

I wouldn't even read what she writes.

At this point you need to focus on moving on.

Often IC is not geared towards doing the right thing and taking responsibility. She was probably encouraged to follow her feelings and find her true self. Whatever, you can't even begin to figure out what's going on in her head. The woman that was your wife is gone.

You detached and waited on her to either own up and fight for you, or sink deeper into the infidelity hole. She's sunk. So now it's time to take action. Plan out what you are going to do and stick to it. Dig in and get in the foxhole, and don't surrender. Fight for yourself. The prize is your future happiness and relationship with your kids.

I hope that by the end of the day, or first thing in the morning, you will have met face-to-face with the attorney who will be representing you. Some of us have been urging this for weeks. Now the writing is on the wall, and you are having to react. That's okay. There is still time. But get yourself represented immediately.

Are you going to file? If you don't, prepare yourself for more waiting around in limbo. She will likely continue to drag her feet. Can you continue doing it?

Listen to the great advice that has been provided. Start carrying the VAR around and record your interactions with her. Prepare yourself for blameshifting and gaslighting. Don't admit any fault to anything. A lot of her side will focus on your previous alcoholism and recent 180 behavior. He's a drunk and he doesn't communicate with me. He's a bad father, etc. Don't take the bait. Prepare yourself for the attacks and ignore them. But do document them!

Stay calm and document everything you can think of.

Sending you strength and focus.

You can do this.

It will get better and you will be happy. Starting that process is in your hands.

At this point, it would be better for every communication to be written. And you make sure you keep copies of everything.

I know you keep telling us she is ill. But this is an illness she doesn't want to work her way through.

You MUST save the kids and yourself.

k9

Thanks everyone.

Of course I'm gonna read the letter, everyone on here knows this, but it's not gonna get me upset. I'm expecting nothing but bullshit, lies, blame-shifting, avoidance, and on and on. It's not gonna shock me.

Then take a ride to the shore. Nothing beats it for healing.

Oh JM, of course it will make you upset.

Your confusion is all completely understandable and normal.

It is probably going to enrage, confuse and devastate you in equal measures.

However, this is YOUR call, your life, your family, your wife.

We're all here to support you, encourage you - those of us shouting from the sidelines are mostly only doing so, so that we can save you from the sadness, madness, badness that we have also suffered.

Remember though, You are living this, and only you can walk in your shoes.

This is your life to play out in the way you see fit, and it will fall the way that it falls. You are in control of the way that you react to events..... but not much else.

Guard your heart, Guard your children, keep yourself savvy, your chin up and your teeth gritted.

You will survive this, keep strong.

Hugs to you and all of us BSs.

MOB

[This message edited by MadOldBat at 4:02 PM, April 14th, 2016 (Thursday)]

Seriously, look up those PDD's I suggested. Not from any attempt to help or cure, but from the knowing what to expect next.

You already know what the letter will contain. It's not germane to the current circumstances. Any attempt at conversation outside of kids and finance should be met with *I'm sorry you feel that way*, or any other means of deflecting the conversation. "Oh, your still mad at me?" Could be met with "That's not relevant to the conversation". She is no longer privy to your thoughts and emotions. All she will do is use them against you.

Strength

I understand.

The 180 actually was working. She's telling close family members she misses me and loves me, she tells me she doesn't want a divorce, it would be a big mistake, starts IC, cooks me dinner, smiles when she sees me, says she wants to talk, and the minute I engage in a conversation, it's "I don't want to talk about this", "That's none of your business", etc. I make the mistake of taking the bait, and look where that got me.

Then today she starts with the texts about it "not being true about not respecting you", "we did have good times, a history together", "I want to write you a letter"

And then when I went to put my phone in my pocket, I accidentally dialed her while reading the text -

"Did you just butt dial me?"

Butt dial you?.....who gives a rats ass.

Still living in crazytown.

And to the one who mentioned her in counseling, bingo! If she's not being honest with anyone else, including herself, I'm sure she's telling the therapist - "He was never there for me or the kids. He never showed me love. He neglected me and wasn't there for me. I had to raise our children on my own", and on & on.

The therapist probably felt so bad for her, she told my wife she would help her pack her bags.

Therapy only works if you're honest.

[This message edited by JM72 at 4:27 PM, April 14th (Thursday)]