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Thank you. I appreciate what you wrote.

And the IC counseling for her was a massive step. Understand, she's had bottled up anger and resentments about my drinking and other issues for the last 25 years. She didn't want to do Al-Anon, and it wasn't my place to tell her what to do, but I've been hoping and waiting for the longest time for her to reach a point where she says "I need help".

I'm still going to do the 180 and go to my meetings. I'm going to be OK. For her, I just hope she gets the help she needs to fix what's bothering her.

This isn't about me being weak. I love her. I want her to get help. I can still be strong for myself, but encourage her.

longforgotten is mostly right here, I think.

The 180 is really in the end is about focusing on what you can control - it isn't about punishing anyone.

I would hope that she would be expressing remorse in any communication she has with you. That should be near the start of any conversation, and it should come from her unprompted.

I agree with Longforgotten

Not really painshopping, I'm searching for truths.

Hi JM72, if I could tell you all the things OW got from my fb and I didn't even know she was looking at it (this happened even before I knew about the A). Why would OW would look at my profile? I really don't know! Hers is very private and I only looked at it once a couple of days after DDay.

I know it sounds weird, but OW and I used to chat every now and then, and once she got mad at me because of something I posted about infidelity (yes, she did) because she thought I was backstabbing her... She later confessed she was obsessed, looking at my fb profile almost every day... Of course it freaked me out and we cut all contact since that day, and yes, I changed my profile to a more secure setting.

thanks, but you couldn't say that face to face? I guess a text is progress. It's still communication. I'll take it

Communicating with her, even if it is via text, that's a lot, shows progress! Specially is you are saying something nice to her... I hope you're proud of yourself as well!

Take care,

AC

[This message edited by AC160116 at 10:56 AM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

Well, the tough thing is, they work in the same building, and in units that are right next to each other.

I've heard everyone say in a situation like this "he/she must quit their job if it's a workplace affair".

That's not so easy. It's a state job, not private sector, and she's making nearly 6 figures. Can't just up and quit. We have 4 kids and a mortgage.

I mentioned this to a family member who she is very close to, and this family member said my wife was planning on trying to take a different position in a different building. This job was practically guaranteed to her if she wanted it, so that's a plus if it goes down.

Proud of myself? A little. Still a work in progress.

Yes, she hurt me, bad, but it did make ME feel good to be a better person and tell her I was proud of her for getting help.

Some may think it shows a sign of weakness, I don't.

Pretty positive that she is thinking about needing to get away from the OM at work.

Some may think it shows a sign of weakness, I don't.

I'm not familiar with the 180, but I think you're definitely not weak for letting her know you're proud of her for going to IC, actually is a sign of strength and again, you should be proud of yourself, you ARE doing a lot to towards R, right?

my wife was planning on trying to take a different position in a different building

I guess this most be a relief for you, I really hope she can gets that position.

Take care JM,

AC

At times for me there seems to be a difficult contradictory line between the 180 and the concepts that work in recovery. Just mentioning that to note that it sounds like you're doing a great job walking that line.

"It works if you work it."

And I'm about done.

I'm running out of fight.....

And I'm about done.

I'm running out of fight.....

Sending strength brother. Here's the thing. You have to let go of the outcome. There shouldn't be a fight. Set your boundaries, live the 180. Live the Serenity Prayer.

If there's to be a fight, it needs to come from her trying to save the M. You can't change her.

I'm sorry it's so hard.

Wise words from 5454.

I think the text was the best you could offer at that moment. Her response, while a bit on the snarky side, also understandable. She still doesn't completely get that you are acting from a place of pain and self protection.

Those non negotiable posted are all excellent. Personally, I still think she is in a crazy state of mind. Leading with that may simply shut her down. It's obviously the ultimate list if the marriage had even a ghost of a chance. And the job change too. That must happen.

While marriage counseling is usually not recommended this early, I think the two of you clearly need some sort of mediator to begin to communicate on even a basic level.

I was you. I AM still you to some degree. I shut down, shut him out, closed myself off. It was very hard, continues to be hard to be vulnerable again. While I don't think you are nearly ready for that, you at least need to able to talk face to face. And that does require dropping those walls just a bit.

Does she have a right to resent your years of addiction? Sure. I can't tell you how much I resent those lost years while my H was acting out, ignoring me, spending time and money and attention on his addiction. NOTHING would have justified my behaving as she has. That's all on her. She had other choices to deal with that resentment.

You have a long road no matter which way this goes. Keep doing the next right thing.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 8:42 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

Just don't know how much I can take. I think I'm at my breaking point. I didn't want a divorce, and she told me she doesn't, but she's leaving me with no outs.

I'm gonna vent now, this might take awhile.

6 weeks ago, she bought our daughter a pair of sneaks that she needed. Mind you, when our son went to rehab out in California, she bought him multiple pairs of expensive sneaks. My daughter was crying because my wife said she couldn't have them because she was failing a class. My wife said, go ask your Dad. I said I thought she should have them if she needs them, take something else, like her cell phone.

Fast forward to Monday. My wife texts me saying she's failing 3 classes for assignments not handed in. I told her I would take care of it. My wife responds -

As I recall, you were the one who caved on the Adidas. If we had stuck to the plan then, I wouldn't be having this problem

i.e. - I'm responsible for my daughter not handing in her work.

Last night I got home from work, my daughter wasn't in her room. I thought she was down in our bedroom talking to my wife. Apparently, she was sleeping on the futon in the family room where I've been sleeping. I didn't know until she came upstairs at 10:30. Now, she's diabetic, and has a problem with bed wetting. She had an accident, so I slept on the couch. My wife texts me at work tonight -

<daughter> needs to sleep in her own bed. Stop babying her and letting her do whatever she wants. She peed on the futon. There's a reason I bought plastic sheets for her bed. I don't need the entire house destroyed and smelly because you never say no. Not to mention u have to sleep somewhere else now. Put your foot down

i.e. - I'm responsible if my daughter has an accident because "I allow it"

And here I am sending her texts telling her I'm proud of her.

Zero remorse, zero respect, and she's telling me she doesn't want a divorce, and telling other family members who know what's going on that she loves and misses me.

THIS is why I was so hopeful with her starting counseling about her codependency and other issues. It's only been 1 session and I'm not expecting miracles right out of the gate, but hon, YOU'RE FUCKING ANOTHER GUY and you're mad at me because of it.

Fucking bullshit.

<End Rant>

[This message edited by JM72 at 9:23 PM, April 13th (Wednesday)]

We had a talk tonight and it was bad. My wife is still seeing the guy. She justified it by saying "I told you I wanted a separation to date other guys, to see what else is out there. Why do you sound shocked?"

This marriage is over. Last week she tells me the more time that goes by, the more she's doubting a divorce is what she wants. Tonight she tells me she has feelings for him.

I said good luck with that. It's not like he's gonna be faithful. She says, "who said I'm looking for a serious relationship right now?"

So she wants to throw away a 27 year relationship to have fun.

She also said "my counselor told me it will take time and be difficult to end a 25 year marriage. It's going to take time"

She said this might be the biggest mistake of her life, but she's willing to roll the dice to find out.

I told her I'm not gonna be nice if we get a divorce, she texts me -

So now you want to take everything I've earned, everything I've worked my ass off for the last 25 years while I stood by you through everything? Nice. Exactly the type of person I thought you were. Take what you want from me. I'll be satisfied it's over

I am so sorry jml

I have been there and i know it hurts. I am sorry to have written with hope. I apologize

She is beyond hope

Get out of her presence as fast as possible

I am truly sorry

She's acting like a little fucking kid who isn't accountable for anything.

SHE created this, SHE wanted this, I didn't want any of this, I still loved her, then she's gonna turn it around and question my character because I'm going after as much as I can to protect myself?

Yeah, it's STILL my fault.

No fucking accountability from her whatsoever. And this hood rat will dump her within the next 6 months to a year.

Her counselor is wrong the marriage is effectively over. She ended it with her afair. The rest is just going to be up to the attorneys.

Sending strength to find a really Kick-Ass attorney tomorrow.

JM

You have given it your best shot, much more than she deserved. She just told you again

": She wants to date other guys and see what is out there""

It is time to finally believe her. Like 5454 said, get yourself a kick ass lawyer and start to protect yourself and stop projecting on what will happen to rap star idiot and her. She has relieved you of the responsibility of caring about that.

She wants vto be married and date other men. Now you can reject that and get out of limbo.