SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've got a weekend project for you. Pack her shit. Get to the bank in the morning get at least 1/2 of any accts into your name only. I'd then cut off any credit cards and her phone. She can come home Monday to her crap on the lawn. Sounds like you have family and friends to support you. Let them.

You're not a pussy man, and your situation is not unique, indeed if you trawled through the many stories posted here or anywhere, you'll find some variation of your story.

So you found out and were probably ready to file, she makes all the conciliatory moves to R, you see this (and quite rightly, because you know her best) as a good sign so you waver on divorce.

You know how that turned out.

Again not your fault. Your situation is only unique to you. You've fought hard to turn your life around, fought for your family, you went from a losing position to a winning one.

Your inertia is not from being a pussy, you see this as failure that undoes so much hard work. If you could just get her back, get her to R then your victory/life turn around will be complete.

Again not your fault, but you have to accept she's gone. She'll keep you in limbo for as long as you let it. Something has to give.

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and ignore the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions:

1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. I know you probably think she wouldn't do that, but considering her cheating you don't know her as well as you did. As all of us who were betrayed thought we knew our partners. Furthermore, if possible, ask a friend to stay with you for a while under some false pretext, to act as a witness against her false allegations.

3. Start documenting your care and her care (or lack thereof) for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. You hopefully won't needed, but if you do, it's better you have it. Don't let her know you're doing this.

4. This IC that you have is no good for you, because he obviously hasn't enough experience&knowledge on dealing with cheating etc. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself. A good thread on selecting a therapist is here - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 , and read up on EMDR therapy here http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=571247 .

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. Continue to confide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support.

7. I too agree with others who are advocating you tell the OM's wife as soon as possible. Every day that passes is another day stolen from her, another day where's she's at risk of contracting an STD from her cheating husband (who might be screwing other people as well) OR having an STD that she already contracted get further developed because it won't be treated in time. Also, every day gives her husband more time to funnel away joint money, to convince her with some bullshit reason to sign the house over to him, to co-sign a loan for his I don't know what,... Every day another chance for him to get her pregnant to further tie her down to himself. Every day is another day when being silent is being complicit to the betrayal of her husband. The saying goes:"All it takes for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing". Is you potentially saving a few thousand dollars in the divorce worth you NOT doing the right thing by telling her immediately? Worth your conscience if she gets HIV from him? Please, think strongly about this, talk to your friends and family.

On the question of telling his wife/gf, read this http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=576398&AP=1&HL= .

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all. I know you mentioned AA, but I still wanted to reiterate this.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it.

10. Go to the "I can relate" subforum here and check out the "Betrayed menz" thread on the first page. Read and post there.

11. If you are giving her yet another chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC with her.

12. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first.

13. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them", it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

14. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth.

15. A phrase that I've heard a lot here and with which I agree is that you must be willing to lose the marriage(relationship) to save it. You mustn't think of her as the prize and you mustn't approach this from a position of weakness, of you trying to win her back by being nice etc. You must get therapy, you must get into the mindset that you will be ok even if you divorce and that you will not settle for rugsweeping or anything less than her being fully remorseful and committed to redeeming herself and helping you heal.

16. If she continues to have contact with him despite you demanding she stops, and if you'll want to stop the cheating, EXPOSE HER CHEATING to her friends&family and/or SERVE HER WITH DIVORCE PAPERS. Remember, even if you serve her, you can always stop the divorce later if she proves remorseful etc. But it's a good wake-up call for the cheater that very often works.

17. A divorce would be hard on the kids. However, it is much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.

18. You DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW whether to give her another chance or not. That decision can wait for quite some time (but make sure waiting to make the decision doesn't hurt you legally, financially, physically/health-wise,... -> talk to your lawyer etc.). Remember, even if you start the divorce proceedings, you can stop them. And even if you finish the divorce proceedings, you can still reconcile with her despite divorcing her. If she's truly remorseful, she will be desperate to get you back even if you divorce her. And if she'll be willing to stay without you despite the divorce, it will be a good sign she's doing that not because she wants the financial,..., security of the marriage, but because of you. So again, no need to make quick decision.

Also, like others have said, it's a roller-coaster, being cheated on. It's one of the most shocking and traumatic things you'll ever experience in life. It is perfectly understandble to be dazed and confused from all this, to not know what exactly to do, to feel one thing one moment and another the next moment. As time goes by and you work on healing yourself, things will get considerably better.

What's crucial is that you don't make any really bad decisions in this first stage of being totally mentally fuc-ed up, like getting her pregnant, getting an STD, you cheating on her with someone else and thereby demeaning yourself, crashing a car, getting drunk, beating him up and ending in jail etc.

20. For a bit of inspiration, check out this amazing thread - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=568211&AP=21&HL= , as well as this one http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479&AP=1&HL= .

19. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes

You could reply by letting her know to get use to missing them because when you divorce because of her continued cheating, then you will have them 50% of the time .

After 15 years and after helping you form a family, she now steps out and decides to cheat.

Then she has the nerve to call you during a weekend with her affair partner and wants to talk to the kids ?

again, I don't know what you don't understand

1) Look up attorneys, file for divorce

2) Implement an immediate 180

3) Move her shit out of the bedroom at the minimum until you can file the papers

4) I am not very pro reconciliation so I would be done. However, you seem to be all over the place here. At least by filing, she knows you mean business because right now, she thinks she's getting this fling for free. That's on you and your being passive.

5) She is triple betraying you. Cheating on you and cutting you off while damaging your family. Who the fuck goes on an affair weekend and then decides to be a 'good mommy' and call the kids ? And why do you show her compassion when she shows you none ?

You need to wake up and stand up for yourself. You came to a forum where everyone's been through this, you want to take the advice from long time posters here but you are looking for a solution that doesn't exist.

It sounds like she wants an open marriage that you didn't sign up for. So here's the deal. She cuts off all communication with her affair partner for 6 months. Then you go out and have flings with one or multiple women while she stays at home with the kids. Then after 6 months, it's whatever flies. How do you think she would handle 6 months between work and the kids while you are getting unlimited ass elsewhere but coming home and lying down next to her smelling like other women ?

You get my drift ? She would dump you hard.

So why do you tolerate this ?

BTW, I hate open marriages and would never suggest one but you get my drift...

You need to move to action and fast and show her immediate consequences. The next time she calls, tell her you are moving her stuff and watch how fast she comes home. I personally would be in the town where they are at confronting right now or be moving her shit out and filing for divorce

[This message edited by Western at 6:28 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

It is Mother's Day weekend and she chose to spend three days away with the OM instead of being home with her children? NOW do you see how far gone she is?

I am so, so sorry. A good wife and mother would never do that.

You are enabling her. Follow the advice here. Move money into a separate account, cancel all joint credit cards, see an attorney and file for divorce.

The person you are with is selfish and pretty much evil. They say you have to be prepared to end a marriage in order to save it so take some actions to end this farce of a marriage you are in.

You are going to have a miserable future if you don't put a stop to what you are letting happen.

you know, you don't have to be mean to deliver the news to her.

You can say, "I love you, but it's destroying me to have to share you with another man. I can't live like this anymore. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to file for divorce."

And then file for divorce. She may snap out of it, or she may not.

But you have to mean it. You have to be serious.

So the question is, do you want to live this life anymore? If you don't then you have to level with her. You have to take action. And if she won't back down, then you have to walk away. As sad as that sounds.

You simply cannot "nice" a wayward back.

be strong.

You're being ineffectual as a husband in your marriage. Let her go or fight for her.

You're being ineffectual as a husband in your marriage. Let her go or fight for her.

DestroyedOne: I love you and you're my best friend, I don't want a divorce because it's so final, but I can't go back to being so unhappy. I see the man that you've become, and if I met you today you'd be the perfect man for me, but I just don't know what to do. Maybe it's too late for us.

Is she suggesting an open relationship or you just putting your life on hold until she is done playing? There may be resentment on her part of the alcoholism days and feels deep down you owe her. Either way she has clearly labeled you plan b, just in case her fling does not last.

Can there ever be reconciliation? The answer is yes, but it must start with the offending party being contrite and willing to fix the relationship. She is certainly not sorry and in fact appears entitled to this affair. The I love you but not in love with you, is nothing but cheater babel to take the pressure off of her and delegate it back to you to string you along.

You can follow the counselors advice and put your life on hold and see if you can nice guy her back to you. The problem with this is that it never works. Affairs are like fungus they grow well in the dark, but when exposed to the bright sunlight they wither. I would expose to family and close friends. Also expose to the OM wife, as I would want to know if I were in their shoes. I also recommend the following:

1. See an attorney, you don't have to file, but you need to know your rights.

2. Separate your finances, she is caught in the fog of her affair, you need to protect yourself before she raids the cupboards.

3. Go through the house and develop a plan on dividing property. It is better to be prepared then making an error in an emotional moment.

4. Develop a visitation plan for the children so they get to see both, but your parental rights are protected.

5. Plan fun events with the kids without your wife, this will help with the transition and will be a good bonding event for you as well.

6. Exercise helps with the stress and makes a healthier you.

I don't tell folks to divorce as that is a decision only you can make. However, I recommend that you take charge of your life. Eventually you will realize that she is no longer your wife, friend, buddy or pal. She is the mother of your children and deserve respect for their sake not hers. I would also find another place in the house for her to sleep. If she wants to share his bed, she can no longer share yours. You need to respect you, even if no one else does.

lmye is right. let her go or fight for her. if you fight for her, a year down the road she may be grateful. just realize fighting for her doesn't mean letting her having an affair. Quite the opposite. It's laying down what your minimum requirements are. She doesn't know what those are. She actually thinks you're OK with her having a lover. You need to fix that.

another thing - it appears you feel guilty for being an alcoholic. you think that in some ways justifies her affair. Nothing could be further from the truth. You being an alcoholic would justify her divorcing you. Even if you're no longer an alcoholic, she may have come to the point where she just can't live with you anymore. that's acceptable. It's NOT acceptable for her to say, "well, I've put up a lot from you. You're an alcoholic. I'm really angry for the things you did in the past. So I'm going to have a lover and there's nothing you can do about it. fair is fair."

that line of thinking is bullshit.

She has every right to divorce you if your marriage isn't working for her. just like you have the right to divorce her if it isn't working for you.

You have to communicate. You have to establish what is acceptable for each of you.

If I were you I'd tell her that you understand how she feels about the past, but that you're trying to be the best husband and person you can. But that you can't have a marriage with three people in it. If she insists on having a lover, then you must sadly walk away.

really. that's what you have to do.

good luck.

[This message edited by mike7 at 8:42 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

Hello DestroyedOne and welcome to SI. I'm really sorry you've had to find us here, but you're come to the right place.

I want you to know something right out of the gate here. Some of the men responding to you are the very same men who have helped me tremendously over the last year. wk55hn, Hobbes, Western, have all been absolutely great. Listen to them, brother. I owe them a tremendous amount of gratitude.

Many of the things you will read here on SI will seem extremely blunt, or even harsh. Many of the things you will read here will seem terribly counter-intuitive. Some advice you will find quite helpful. Other advice will seem just plain wrong, until months later you start to understand that these men have been there and done that, and been incredibly active on this site for years. Take a moment of two to read their tag lines, how long they've been here, how many posts they've written, and just imagine how many stories they've read.

I honestly don't know at what point I got to be such a pussy about all this. I didn't used to be like this. I really didnt. Something about this whole damn situation has just totally unmanned me. I have got to get my balls back.

I know how it happened to me, though in my case I didn't feel so much "unmanned" as I did... unhinged.

Surviving infidelity is a world-class mind-fuck. It doesn't matter one iota whether or not you were a good husband or a bad one, had a happy marriage or a shitty one, discovery strikes us all to the very core of our being and tests us as nothing else every has. Don't be too hard on yourself, man. I know you think you're situation is unique because of this, that and the other thing, but, brother, I've read your story before and I know how those stories ended.

I am going to assume that you do not want to live in an open marriage. That is, you're not comfortable living with the situation as it is, sharing your wife with another man.

It's perfectly okay to tell your WW that the situation is totally unacceptable and that you refuse to be married to a cheater. This is something I told my fWW flat our after D-day. And it wasn't a threat. It was a simple fact of life. To me, infidelity is a deal-breaker. Period. My fWW left the marriage. She ended it. And then! For about two months, she did everything she could to blame me, the marriage and everything and everyone else in this world accept herself. And that, too, is totally unacceptable. She cheated. Not me. Her infidelity was her choice. She did that all on her own and it had absolutely nothing at all to do with me or our marriage.

There is no justification for infidelity.

It still fucked-up me, though. Big time. And it's taken about year to finally climb, claw and scratch my way out of that goddamned rabbit hole. And I'm not sure I could have done it without the incredible support and guidance from these fellow BHs here on SI.

Now, I'm going to do a bit of projecting here, because I don't know you. This conflict within you, between wanting to thoroughly reject your WW and been done with situation versus the hope that your marriage can be saved is probably the greatest source of this "unmanned" feeling.

It's hard to wrap your mind around this new reality. I know. I've been there and done that, brother. I'm still doing it.

Accepting this new reality is hard.

Adapting to this new reality is even harder.

Getting out of your own way... is priceless.

Of course you didn't want this to happen. You didn't expect this to happen. You cannot, for the life of you, understand why and how and you wonder if you're to blame, if you'd only done this differently or said that or... It just doesn't compute, does it?

Yeah... I understand feeling unhinged, unmanned, discombobulated...

Well, this is your life now, DestroyedOne.

You cannot change your WW.

You cannot save your marriage (not alone, anyway).

You cannot control the outcome.

The only thing you can do it to let go of your WW. She has made her choices, now let her make a few more.

In the meantime, start making choices for yourself and your daughters. I hate to say it, though I'm sure you already suspect it, but right now your WW is not being a good mother by a long shot. She is setting a terrible, horrible example for her children and is, in my opinion (and I think/thought the same of my fWW), incapable of being a good parent.

Affairs are lies, brother. One way or another, they are built upon lies that each cheater tells themselves. At it's core, an affair is an extremely selfish and self-destructive act. Your WW is self-destructing and she will take you and your daughters down with her.

DestroyedOne, the choice is yours, brother. I understand why your balking. It's a shitty situation no matter which road you take, whether your divorce or reconcile (which is impossible as things stands now, btw).

Forget about your marriage.

Forget about your wayward wife.

What do you want for yourself?

Do you want to continue to life in an open marriage? Or do you want to make some changes in your life?

Wow, I went to bed and came back to read that she's away with the OM for the weekend.

I agree with the others that say you need to take action soon. If for no other reason than your own sanity! She's been torturing you for months now. Honestly, the weekend away with him is downright cruel. It's very messed up. I don't know how you are holding it together. Do something. If you don't, you will feel helpless, and you will spiral down to a dark place.

Edited to add that by do something, I don't necessarily mean start divorcing her. Come up with a plan. Do something to get some control back. It will make you feel better.

I did everything wrong when I just found out. It's good that you found us. Keep posting.

[This message edited by mharris at 11:20 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

Look, brother. Nobody really knows what they will do in this situation until it happens to them.

Here is the thing. Nobody likes change. Not you, and certainly not your WW. So she is comfortably sharing her body with another man. Comfortably.

Why? Because you are allowing it.

Now ask yourself why you would allow that to happen.

Typically people will not change until the pain of of their current situation becomes greater than the pain of change.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 9:55 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

You do realise that you have become a cuckold.

That is a man who knows full well his wife is fucking another man and is ok with it or does nothing about it.

At this point she is not a WW as the husband is on board with her banging other men.

If this is the life you have chosen to follow then by all means stay with the staus quo.

If not lawyer up & file for D, don't threaten her with the D just file. Give her as much warning as she gave you when she went out and had sex with another man.

Document all the times she has been away with the OM. Start carrying a VAR as right now you are snuggly in the bed after she has her sex fest with her FB ( which for the life of me I cannot understand at all) , but that will change once the D is filed.

There are a lot of posters on this forum who have experience dealing with infidelity issues and are here to help, let them.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:11 AM, May 7th (Saturday)]

I have not had the chance to read all of the replies on here, so I am probably repeating most. I am one of those on here that believes D is probably the last step and reconciliation should be tried.

But then I read this:

Just got a text from her talking about how much she misses the girls and how she'd like to call them tomorrow (she's taking a 3 day weekend with OM).

That is as disrespectful as it gets.

You are no longer married, you are in an open marriage at this time. Your wife is being completely disrespectful to your kids and to you.

There is NO chance at R as long as she is not only still in the affair, but for crying out loud, living with the OM.

If you want any chance at R, the affair has to be blown up, that is the first step.

How did she meet this OM?

Is he married, which I would doubt since she lives with him.

Do you her parents know what is going on, telling her parents or close family members on her side is one way to really blow up the affair.

At this point, her mind is completely irrational and she believes she is totally in the right. Hearing anything from you goes in one ear and out the other.

Sometimes hearing negative opinions from other people, gets through to the WW.

Considering what she texted you and she is completely comfortable living with the OM and comfortable with slapping you in the face every day, I think at the very least, you

#1 Need to tell her family right now.

#2. See a good lawyer, especially a men's rights lawyer and find out all of your options.

At this point, your wife has actually abandoned the family, and that works for you in family court.

She left, you did not.

See a lawyer first thing Monday. Also, close all joint accounts. Stop paying her bills. And make sure your paycheck goes into your own account.

Let's keep it simple.

1- do you want an open marriage, a one-sided open marriage?

If yes, keep doing what you're doing.

If not, take the advice on this site.

Get out of infidelity. That's the bottom line. Whether that means keeping your WW, or losing her, the first step is to get out of infidelity. That is ground zero. Step one. The place to start. GET OUT OF INFIDELITY.

Living as you are is a cancer to your self esteem and self worth. You know this, else you wouldn't be here.

Now. How to get out of infidelity?

Demand it. Don't ask, demand. Don't negotiate, because this is non negotiable.

Destroyed:

I am so sorry you are here but please know you are surrounded by people who understand. Your heart and your head are doing battle right now but please listen to your head. As of this point in time, your WW is gone. She has left the marriage and is only manipulating you to take care of your home, your kids and to be her fallback plan (plan B).

Please listen and absorb the advice you have been given so far. Your goal as of today has to be to start removing yourself from infidelity. You've tried nice, you've tried accepting, you've tried no action. None of those are working. Your wife is spending Mother's Day weekend with another man. Read that again and repeat it as many times as necessary for it to sink in.

If you can live with this, so be it but from your post you can't (and you shouldn't). Please see a lawyer and begin to protect yourself. Filing for divorce does not mean your marriage is over per say but it puts your wife on notice. It forces her to make some decisions and it will for you to make some decisions. Right now you have to think in terms of protecting your girls.

Please keep posting and know we have your back. Again I'm sorry you are here. It sucks but it is your reality now. No problems are ever solved by running away from reality.

Your wife is spending Mother's Day weekend with another man.

Wow, I didn't even think of that.

That in itself shows you how screwed up she is, and yes, this will forever taint Mothers Day for you.

See a lawyer Monday, you have to be proactive instead of reactive. You cannot sit by and let her dictate the next steps any longer.