SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Good afternoon,

I am new here but needed to start somewhere. I have been together for 15 years married 8. I thought things were fabulous. I just found out that my H was going to massage palors for the last 5 years. (Over 30) Although he has apologized and started going for counseling I am crushed. I have lost weight, on an antidepressant, can't go to work and in counseling as well. I love him but I am so hurt I am having it difficult time moving forward. He stated he would not go again but I can't trust him now. He cries and has lost weight also but I must say I don't feel badly. I made him get every test in possible and Thank God all negative. He states it as only a HJ. I am lost. I am wondering if anyone else has gone through this and did your marriage survive

or end.

Thanks for listening!!

[This message edited by CrushedChic at 3:59 PM, July 25th (Monday)]

Sorry you're here. No experience with parlors but wouldn't assume just H/j. Also if you haven't you should get tested for STDs, his most recent encounters may not have registered and who knows if he just passed something onto you that affects women differently from men.

Hi,

I'm sorry you're here, and I truly feel your shock, grief and pain. My H's massage parlor activities were disclosed to me 2 & a 1/2 mo's ago... that was part of DDay #2. However, in our case, there have been affairs, craig's list ads, porn, secret apps & email linked to numerous infidelity websites, incl Ashley Madison.

The massage parlor activity (which went on for about 6 mo's) was basically a gateway thing for my WH - made him realize he wanted more than just HJ's... from there it progressed till he got into a real A & stayed for 9 mo's until he got caught last August.

I'm sorry to say it, but there's a chance that this is not all that went on - then again, maybe not. But if there's one consistent thing I've read & learned on this very helpful site, it's that you rarely get the full story/truth at first, so prepare yourself that there may be more.That certainly turned out to be true in my case.

Are you in MC? I'd encourage you to get that going ASAP. This cannot be minimized or downplayed. It's prostitution, regardless of how your H wants to describe it or call it to make himself feel better. And it's cheating, even if all that really happened were HJ's.

Read read read the many posts on this site - you will learn a lot, get some excellent advice and realize you're not alone.

Again, I'm so sorry and wish you peace and comfort in the months ahead.

Hi CC,

My WH has now been diagnosed as a SA. I knew nothing about the Asian Massage Parlors until very recently. He was frequenting one a couple of times a week, as well as all the other stuff he was up to.

I found out the name of the one he was going to (we are in Australia) and googled it. It's well know that the girls there will do anything for a price. He wasn't just getting HJ or BJ's. He was getting the lot.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I understand the pain, I'm living it every single day.

The whole truth never comes out at the beginning, you might never get it or you might get it in pieces.

Are you in IC? It is the only thing keeping me going at the moment.

Hugs to you :)

Dear Crushed I am so so sorry you are in this new reality. I found out nine months ago that my H had been going to the parlors for the past ten years. As yours, the HJ. He did this twice weekly till I discovered. So immediate counseling for both if us and much time reading about betrayal. Much time trying to find if he was actually a SA . So far not fitting that profile as such but the parlor had clearly become a habit. The businesses are happy to get customers hooked. And yes, some offer "full service" but not all. Here where we live some do a very good business with "just" the HJ. And this is devastating enough. I took to yoga and meditation. Sleeping aids. Long walks. Lots of reading and I received life saving help here on SI. We also find couples counseling very helpful but it is not marruage counseling as such. Please know that you are not alone. Please know that you will survive this. Please know that you must do all you can to keep healthy. Please remember that this is about your H's issues and not in any way your fault.

[This message edited by marji at 4:19 PM, May 24th (Tuesday)]

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for responding. To answer a few questions, yes I am in IC and so is he. I never knew these places existed and I feel like such a fool. He travels alot for business so I don't have to look at him right now. Although he thinks that we are trying I have to be honest I cannot imagine this happening. I am crushed. Thanks again... I feel so lost but I am trying each day for me to get stronger for me.

CC re your question on marriage survival. I think that must be up to you and your H. Lots of work to do. Lots of Tim e needed. You and your H must heal. You are in a state of shock right now. I am just coming out of it. If your H is truly remorseful and wanting and able to do all he must to change from serial cheater to healthy safe partner and if you are willing and able to live with the person you thought you knew and trusted before then it can survive. But that is nothing you need to decide about now.

Crushed, I found out my husband was visiting an Asian massage parlour a week and a half ago. I was devastated. Just when I started to get used to my new reality, I found out it was way more than that and there were prostitutes and online profiles, a burner phone, and fake email. On one hand, if that's all your husband did, be relieved that he didn't do more. Now, I wish that was all my husband did and in hindsight it doesn't seem so bad compared to everything else. My best advice as someone who is in the same place you are is to put on your detective hat and dig. Think outside the box. Check all phone records, search history, etc. does he have an iPhone? I used a program that pulled deleted messages, pictures, and internet history from his phone which is how I found out about the prostitutes. I know it's awful and it sucks having to do this, but he may be afraid of telling you the whole truth right now. Sending you big hugs!

He fooled you, CC, but you are NOT a fool. My H fooled me but I am not a fool. I was ignorant but not now. And you are in the know now and the game is now in your hands. Like yours my H wants to keep "us." I am still in limbo and feel no immediate need to try for us. Great that you are working with an IC and great that you have no need to do anything but feel better. You seem really smart and very strong and not "crushed" at all.

Thanks everyone,

I needed this!!! Yes, I played the detective and check phone, computer and then the statements. That's where it was confirmed. Busted!! He came clean because he couldn't take it but I think he knew I was on to him. Thanks for the statements ie he fooled me BUT I am NOT a fool. I saw it all. I thank God for this site because I felt alone and I can see I am not. I am trying to be strong although I fight everyday with this. Thank you for sharing. I agree I am not in any shape to make a decision to end it or save our marriage. After all he brought this in and now I feel I have list what we had. But then again, did we realky have anything because he was getting pleasured by another woman. Women ....sad...i am so pissed and hurt. Thanks again for listening. Hugs to all!!

"Just" a hand job? Hmmmm, that is minimizing at best. You deserve a better answer than what you are getting.

The Asian parlors here got raided a couple years ago and the whole local syndicate, yes, organized, was operating as a sex slave trafficking ring. The girls, yes most under 18, were "encouraged" to go for more and were rewarded or punished accordingly. After they turned 21, they moved them to the nail salons because they were too old for the parlors. They came here with the promise of schooling and ended up living crowded in dank basements after working 16 hour days.

There is nothing "just" about this. I hope he educates himself about the system of this underworld that he has been supporting.

Agreed. He should but that's up to him. I need to move forward and heal myself.

Well, if you decide to attempt reconciliation with him, then it's not "up to him."

Make it a requirement that he reads up on the trafficking some of these girls go through.

And it was more than a hand job.

The hjs are bad enough. It's betrayal. It's deceit. It means we are dealing with H's who are extremely dishonest and whose coping skills involve great dishonor, great disrespect and major exploitation. So yes, more than just hand jobs , huge destruction of the relationship as "just" EAs can be.

Of course a hand job is bad enough.

A kiss is too much.

I don't think anyone is saying that hand jobs aren't a terrible form of betrayal. It's just being pointed out that he didn't go back that many times, for that long, and continue to get a hand job. He was getting more than that, and OP needs to be tested for stds.

Markone not sure what you mean by not "just" a HJ. That is adulterous. That is big time betrayal. And going regularly means regular lies. If it's not a traditional affair it I is in a sense a serious LTA. And when it's years and years its a deal breaker even if the couple stays together. So it's not so much of assuming there's something more as it is of figuring out if there is something left of the relationship and if it is worthwhile continuing.

Hi everyone,

As I stayed in my first posted. I am new to this. I stated "just" but that was my words not his. I wrote that. Maybe it was wrong but I had no idea it would be taken literally. I feel that a kiss is too much never mind a HJ. Through countless conversations with our councilors this is what was said. Yes,he has been open with everything BUT the damage is done. So I wrote this to heal. To see if it was just me. I am feeling extremely low at this point and I want to thank the kind hearted people who can relate.i can see by the posts on this site that not all stories are the same but we all have one common denominator which is hurt, deceit and untrustworthy. ( Much much more) I am hoping to heal. I need that for me. I am sick in bed all the time and finding it difficult to get back to work. I feel lost. So thanks for all who helpful me. I have had some good stuff to take from your comments and for that I will be forever grateful. Hugs to you all.

Markone not sure what you mean by not "just" a HJ. That is adulterous. That is big time betrayal. And going regularly means regular lies. If it's not a traditional affair it I is in a sense a serious LTA. And when it's years and years its a deal breaker even if the couple stays together. So it's not so much of assuming there's something more as it is of figuring out if there is something left of the relationship and if it is worthwhile continuing.

MarkOne is saying what just about everyone else is also saying in this thread. That CC's husbands' claims of his visits to massage parlors ONLY resulting in hand jobs is more than likely a crock of shit and he's gotten a lot more than that for his money. He's not diminishing the fact that hand jobs and lies are devastating.

O dear, C, there's totally nothing wrong about anything you've said or done. Just hope you can find ways to help yourself to heal. You said you were working with an IC. Perhaps you also have a good friend or relative to spend some good time with every few days. If you live somewhere that is pleasant to walk that can help too as well as music or an activity that you enjoy. Some of us have found mindfulness exercises helpful. If there is a BAN group near you that too can help. You didn't mention your dday or how long you've been on meds but if the ones you are on are not helping there are others that may. But please know that you will heal from this. Others have experienced similar if not exactly the same trauma and whether R or D there is a healing through time and work. Some of us have felt our partners helping us to heal. That seems weird since they have caused the trauma but hey, whatever works. Do so hope you can start to feel better soon. It is springtime where I live and I try to get out each day to enjoy the lovely look if the season. Again, you seem so smart and capable. You seem very very thoughtful and kind. You will be ok. Really.

Agreed that's why he is taking a polygraph test. yes that's right. Whether we make it or break it this is happening today. I will let you know if it was only a HJ or more. Either way my friends it's ******* wrong. You are right I need to figure out to stay or leave. To add fuel to the fire, u care for my elderly father. He lives with us for the last year. I don't have the heart to tell him. Sucks all around.