CC--I know what that feeling is like--when you start to feel a little better, more normal, more balanced and then boom--feels like week one again. But I think, even though I think I remember exactly what day one or week one was like, I don't know exactly because, hey, it's not that first day, that first week. It's only "like that time" so then I think even though feel horrible, even though it's "almost like that time" is isn't quite as bad--just really bad,
I know for me many, indeed, most of those really horrible moments came when my H was being defensive, insensitive, impatient; when he was minimalizing or rationalizing and even worse, lying.
We have not been doing traditional MC work as such; it's more like Im at my H's sessions. I sometimes interject; more often answer a specific question; often I initiate with some immediate issue though as weeks went on my H often did that himself, i.e. spoke about a way he had acted that was wrong. Our MC is not an equal-opportunity scolder. In his view it is my H who has created the huge damage by acting out in a horrible, devastating, unhealthy manner and my H who must work hard to change if he wants to rebuild the relationshp. It is our MC who has been working hard to get my H to work hard to stop feeling sorry for himself; to stop acting/speaking defensively.
It's all very complicated but what I'm trying to say is that I think it is very challenging for these partners who so repeatedly and mindlessly, uncaringly and, at least in my H's case, compulsively acted out, to now act in ways that are loving, and caring, and selfless but that is how they must act if they are to become good and healthy partners and if they have any chance of regaining the love and trust of the good and honest and innocent partners they so awfully betrayed. But that's a longwinded way of saying, I think I was not being realistic to hope or expect the partner who was so thoughtlessly betraying me weekly for over a decade, who acted without any feelings of guilt, who managed to fit his betrayal so neatly into his everyday life, to change over night into an ideal person and husband.
So now its 11 months later; he attends the rather grueling counseling sessions twice weekly; he reads everything suggested; he's attending SA meetings and speaking and he seems to be working toward extreme honesty; extreme caring and trying to learn about himself, to retrain himself in living and becoming a healthy and happier person. All a huge task.
And CC, that task is basically his. We can go together to the sessions; we can read together and talk. And we do. Like never before. But ultimately his work is his. My work is mine.
I have to keep working towards greater calmness; greater attention to the present. Greater attention to things that are not about H. I have to try to find ways to get out of the hole; to turn off the mind movies. To get on to what is nice, fun, beautiful, necessary, important, pleasant . . . .etc. I have to work on the positive.
CC have you and your H read MacDonald's How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair? I know that our H's didn't have a traditional affair but many things do apply. I don't remember how long your H was visiting the MPs, mine was a very long time and about 5 girls allowed touching as well. (That part has driven me more crazy than the other but that thought/image passes too. )So I think of it as his A with the parlors if not a person. But again, there must be NC, transparency, honesty. They must dig deep inside themselves to learn how and why they did what they did and how they could live their double life.
My H has not been diagnosed an SA because he did not and does not experience the thoughts/feelings the standard tests describe; but he did go continuously to strangers He did go to escape from unwanted realities and feeings and he did repeatedly engaged in impersonal and illegal activity that was against his so called values. He did act in secret though I guess that's true for all BSs. They don't come home saying, "honey, guess what AP and I did today." In any case, because my H has had extreme difficulty getting in touch with his "whys" and his feelings in general, our MC suggested he attend SA meetings and this time around I think it is helping him to stay focused on his character, his flaws and how he needs to change. Perhaps your H would benefit from that approach as well. That might be something to discuss with your ICs.
Surely not all men who regularly visit MPs are SAs. Escalation is one of criteria for judging but my H routinely did the same thing twice a week for ten years and I know of others similarly engaging. Personally, I would call that an addiction even if it doesn't meet the standard and so I read about SA betrayal along with the regular books on how to get beyond.
CC, there is a lot we can do to help ourselves heal from this horrible trauma we have been subjected to. Different things work for different BSs. I have not watched tv or a movie since last August. I have not listened to my previously favorite radio station since then either. On the other hand I take a long walk almost everyday--two or three hours and listen to calmning music all the time. I stay in touch with several of the amazing, smart, caring, wise and funny people I have met here on SI. i try to sleep decently if not perfectly each night. I try to eat things I enjoy each day. I worked the mediation program each and every day for 8 weeks --still use it for maintenance. And of course staying in close contact with friends and neighbors.
Lots and lots of talking with H. At times he became defensive. Now he knows he cannot be that way if he does not want to push me away--set things back. The talk led to finding out little lies. He admitted that he found it "easy" to lie but even that admission was a sign of his learning and growing. He now knows he must work hard to become some who will find it hard to lie--there is no wiggle room on that. So newer and clearer parameters.
Don't know if you have looked at the LTA section and the SA sections but I have found both relavant and helpful. A recent thread in the SA section asked about "consquences." My H knows if he becomes impatient, insensitive, defensive, etc. the consequence is that I become more distant and our days together unhappier.
CC, I know this is super long but I really want you to know that you will find your way to a decent reality again. And please remember that you have already experienced some decent hours, maybe even a day or two--perhaps a weekend or pleasant afternoon or evening so that when you feel bad again, something triggers, or H is doing less than he should, or it's just a thought, image, sound that creates a bad feeling or thought, that too will pass. That's what the roller coaster is about. But from everything I've heard and read, with time the bad feelings are less intense and of less duration. The reality will never be the same as before D-Day; the reality we thought we had, the one we assumed, was not a complete lie (though yes, i felt that way too--many of us do) but it surely was not the truth either.
What can be the whole truth is today and tomorrow.
As a wonderful friend reminded me, this is the hand we were dealt and this is what we must play the game with.
CC, my guess is, you have all the smarts, strength, heart, soul, wit and wisdom to play your hand wisely and well. The cards are in your hands and im thinking you even have the jokers. If after a good long time, say a year, you decide to quit playing, throw the hand in, then that will be your choice and your right. In the meantime, yes, some days will feel like stay; others like go. Some days very awful; others not too, too bad.
Meantime, i will share with you that today is our 35th anniversary. We will not do what we did for the past 10 years--visit the spot in Central Park where we married so many years ago. We always asked someone to take our pic there. I cannot bare to look at those pics anymore realizing that just a day or two before and just a day or two after he was at the parlor again.
So today we took a neighborhood walk and staying home. Well have dinner in a restaurant we never had dinner in before and there is no gift--no jewelry or candy but nice handwritten card.
Maybe next year will be better. And you can tell your H that I said he'd better start boning up on how to change, how to become a good person, good man, good husband. He's got to start making you and your feelings number one if he wants to ever regain at least some trust that will bring back your laughter, your affection, the light in your eyes that he must now know is the only real, and most valuable thing in his life.
