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Marji,

I have been on med's for 2 weeks. I just started taking them. I found out about 6 weeks ago. I do look for your messages because I respect you opinion. I have friends but I am ashamed to mention this to them. I had told one friend and she seems to think he us a great man who man some bad decisions. You think? LoL I hate to throw everything away but get In now feel what we had never existed if that makes any sense at all. I will try to enjoy the day. Thanks for your kindness. Hugs

[This message edited by CrushedChic at 7:36 AM, May 25th (Wednesday)]

If the polygraph is today and he hasn't confessed to anything else, maybe there's hope that all it was WAS HJ's. Not that that isn't horrible, but it means he stopped before going all the way. Nothing that deserves a medal, but it's something.

How did you find out about all of this? Did he come forward himself? If he came forward himself, and was honest right from the start, you have a good foundation for reconciliation, if that's what you want.

Good luck today. I will be praying for you.

Just for the "record", my comment was supposed to be as Nevergain2013 clarified it. I'm not minimizing a h/j just be cautious that they always minimize out of the gate and likely there was more.

Hate to keep beating this horse but as the BS of someone who did " just" and "only"that, it really does seem like the minimizing that some say the H is doing when he says that that is the " only thing" they were doing. But that is all that some cheaters want to do just as some just want to spend time watching porn or countless hours in an online affair. Betrayal can take many forms and "going all the way" takes many forms too. CCS H may well be telling the truth about his choice of betrayal just as my H and others I've known told the truth about theirs. intercourse and oral need not be involved and still the relationship damaged beyond repair. If the partner had any form of sex outside the marriage there was deceit and huge selfishness and the humiliation, the anger, the sadness and fear is all there for the BS to deal with. It is important to know all the facts and absolutely necessary that the betrayer give up the secret and be totally and absolutely honest. So yes, CC must know what her H did and it's great that she so quickly arranged for the poly. But assuming he told the truth, she's still dealing with four years of cheating and an H that gas to do a great deal of work to change into a safe partner if she decides to continue.

Hi everyone,

Thank God for a this site. Well, the poly was difficult but It had to be done. .To summarize it was a HJ only, no other accounts or emails and it was only at these massage palors. No secret bank accounts etc. No calling women etc. So It was these places and only HJ. So at my appointment today I asked my IC what do I do next? Do I forgive because I have read that I need to forgive for ME. My IC said to me when I forgive you do NOT forgive his actions or approve if what he has done but it's for (you) me. Well, I can forgive because I feel I have forgiven I many people who haVe hurt me BUT I can't forget.n plus thus is totally different. I am not sure where to begin and although I have started eating again my thoughts are getting the best of me. My H goes to his C this weekend. Still feeling lost and hurt. It truly sucks feeling like this. Thanks being there. Hugs

My fwh also visited for hj. My d day was five years ago tomorrow. I ended up hospitalized four days later. My fwh trickle truthed me till I setup a polyograph. Then he did a verbal vomit.

He went into ic. We did in house seperation. He also went to sa. He worked his rear off. He wasnt remorseful till he saw what he was losing. I dida hard 180on him. My fwh is more addicted to secrets.

I am on a vacation with him. My d day anniversary this week. I could figure out the date butit is no longer important to me. I had trigger in april called him asked him to turn gps. He did I apologized. He said no this is my consquences.

Hi Prickle patch,

So I take it you are still together. How are things now? My husband is extremely remorseful but unfortunately I feel at this time they are just words. My date about a month ago. I feel at this point I have good days and bad. I get upset when I tell my husband that I am sick and he will say well I will get home to take care of you. He then said that's what a husband is suppose to do. Really? Although I am not vocal I want to say you should have thought about this before going to those places BUT I didn't. Thanks for responding. Hugs

Hi CC, so glad that the poly showed he was telling the truth but as you might have surmised, I didnt really doubt it. Some men want that and nothing more. It's a huge and horrible business and it thrives on guys becoming addicted. That is not to say they are SAs as such but it can be a habit. It was a habit for mine thiugh he stopped as soon as I became suspicious and has had no interest again. Sounds like it's the same for your H. Be that as it may,CC, I hope you are doing things every day to help yourself to feel better. If you and your H like to read there are many helpful books. Most of them refer to traditional affairs but they can still be very useful. It sounds as though your H is truly remorseful but ideally he needs to change from a betrayer to a healthy and safe partner. You mentioned earlier that your H traveled for work. Are you ok with that? Is he? He's now retired but my H should have changed his work many years ago. It might be worthwhile for your H to really dig in deep, to explore all aspects of his life and for you both to seriously explore the best way to move forward and to make sure nothing bad ever happens again. My guess is you're both relatively young and from all you've shared it sounds like you have every good chance for a really good future together if that is how you decide to go. I would also not be worrying about forgiveness or making any firm decisions right now. You're still in a very early stage of this trauma and coming out of shock can take a lot of time. But again, it's a relief to know your H was telling you the truth. Honesty plays perhaps the most important role for each of you. You're off to a good start.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think many men won't think of this as actual cheating (how wrong they are!). He needs to realise how wrong he was and come clean about everything.

You two can get past this and build a much better relationship. Don't tell your family yet. Not until you're absolutly sure he's not lying, that there isn't more than what he's told you. You may regret it later if you decide to reconcile. You might be building your trust and happy again, but your family may never forgive.

Take care of yourself.

Thanks Marji,

Yes you are correct. Yes, he does travel for work but some of these places were in our backyard so I am guessing it didn't matter.i to feel this was habit. From what he tells me but I don't know. We will have the discussion though. Here is sincerely trying I will give him that but as you have pointed outI am still at the beginning stages. I can recognize that I am. You are right U have to take care if myself. I can't work. Eat or even go to places but I am hoping this changes soon. Thanks again for Everything. I was hoping you would reply so thank you from the bottom of my heart. Hugs

Hi Nat,

Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am trying. I don't plan on tell my family. Thanks for the advice.

Hugs

CC I'm concerned about your not eating or going places. You must maintain basic health. If you're unable to eat regular meals can you try taking a nutritional liquid? Also wondering if you have told your IC about your loss if appetite and difficulty going to work and other places. CC, the more you get out and do things, be with other people, enjoy eating again, the mire normal and better you will feel. Then the more things you will want to do. I say all thus knowing full well how awful the days can be. But truly there are many things we can do to feel better. CC many BSs find journaling useful I did some of that. Also walking is helpful and especially walking in a pretty place. Maybe you have a pet. So many things to help us heal. And yes, just spending time with a friend. We can't let our Hs or their awful choices ruin our lives. CC you are a wonderful, caring, kind and good woman and you are strong. Hope tomorrow is a better day.

Thank you Marji for kind words. Lord knows I am trying. Yes I have told my IC all. She stated it might be good to take. Leave if absence but unfortunately I have to have surgery so I will be out anyway. I have to have hip Surgery so walking is extremely difficult. I guess it's true everything happens at once. I started on med's a few weeks ago so hopefully it will be kicking in soon. My cat died of cancer so I loss my pal. My father is elderly and Although he us strong willed I don't have the heart to day anything. I have friends but I am so embarrassed that I can tell anyone. I have shared this with one friend who lives in another state but it's extremely tough. I will eat today. I am hoping to have a nice weekend. Even if it is just staying home. Thanks for being there. It means more than you know. Hugs

Hi CC, just checking in and to let you know I know exactly what you mean re the embarrassment. Movie are made, I deed romantic movies are made re affairs. One was popular recently and even called The Affair. There are very ok'd best dating back to the start if cinema. And gen if course the famous novels. So we might nit feel embarrassed to say our H had gad an affaur but it feels disgusting to tell he was visitng massage I,e, sex parlors. No r antic movies about that. So sometimes I think I would be less shocked or more understanding if it had been an affair with a person and nit a parlor and not prostitutes. But then I think I'd be even more devastated if it had been a real emotional affaur wuth living words and gifts and everything else. Maybe this was the messer of the evils. Who knows. This bis what we have to deal with. But I'm so glad you have an IC. I'm thinking you might get another kitty. I gave a dog and she's been a real blessing these past months. A pet can really be a joy and comfort and thing of beauty. It's really good that you have a friend you can confide in even though in another state. I have some dark friends who know but we usually don't talk about it or him. It helps to have other things to chat about. One good friend I haven't told and that helps too. My H and I do talk a lot about it and us. We read together. We go to a counselor together. I

guess it all helps though of course I still have bad moments. .

CC , my thoughts go with you on the surgery. I know that can be an ordeal though peopke I've known who have had it have cone through with flying colors and have not had such a recovery tone as those with knee. In any case it surely rounds luke you set dealing with far more than your fair share but from what you've said your H does love you and wants to become the very mate that you deserve. Amazing hat through all if this you are still able to care for your dad. And I m thinking there is no need to tell him about this. Mt H has a most wonderful aunt with whom m very close. I know she would be very concerned and very gentle but she is on her eighties and I feel there's no need to burden her with my trauma and this knowledge if her nephew she's always thought was so decent. Maybe we're ok with having just a few IRL peopke to confide in plus our SI friends.

So please CC, please keep eating and trying yo spend at least parts of your day with something nice. I think I forgot to mention music when I was thinking of helpful things. I have music on all the time. I haven't watched v in nine months though. Sone peopke grind great benefits from adult coloring books. There are also free or inexpensive meditation programs including one I've been sing which developed from a program to help those with physical and psych trauma. It's a mindfulness program. I hope your H is also doing all he can to give comfort and understanding. Andrea she let us know how more we can help. Hugs to you and smiles.

Hi everyone,

I survived another weekend. My H was home this weekend and I was hoping to have a good weekend and we did. H went to his icon. He was given homework. H Is doing okay but extremely remorseful. I have had less mind gameswith myself. When I say this I mean the images were less this weekend. I believe it is because I kept busy. It's when I am not busy it is extremely difficult. I don't know how you can move forward with no trust. H said he is going prove I can trust him but unfortunately those are just words right now. I am sure I am going have good days and bad. I ate well this weekend. I didn't over eat but I ate. It's been a few weeks since I actually had a good meal. My sleeping is horrible. It us still broken although it is somewhat better it is not like it was. I find myself thinking to much. My IC said for me to work on forgiveness. That forgiveness is for me not him. It is not forgiving him for this actions or behavior it is basically saying I for you do I don't have to carry this. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Thanks again for listening!! It is nice to be able to talk to people who can understand, guide and relate. I don't know what I would have done without you all. Hugs

Hi CC-glad to hear you're feeling better and finally eating. Bravo. But alas the sleeping is a problem. Many of us have used a sleeping aid in the beginning. I used something called Sonata. It is prescription but very mild. I chose it because I wanted no drowsiness or weird nocturnal experiences. it does not hold for very long, maybe 2 or 3 hours but it really helped. I used it for about three months off and on. Nowadays I don't need it but glad to have it on hand. Others have used over the counter meds or melatonin. But I think it's really important, indeed essential, to get good rest. I'd aim for the the two primaries, proper nutrition and proper rest, and after that other good things that make you feel good and lead to feeling more balanced and normal.

I was a little surprised to hear that your SI recommended "forgiveness." That is usually something that takes a lot of time and not everyone thinks of it as a goal for the BS in the early stages of discovery. Instead, many consider the goal to be self-care, ensuring paths to feeling healthy such as the proper eating and sleeping but then spending time doing things that you enjoy, things that bring you contentment or fun or joy. Many of us do yoga and or mediation; many of us enjoy spending time with friends, family, pets. Reading, listening to music. Many of us find it beneficial to talk with our WSs--sometimes for hours on end, sometimes more than we have spoken in ages. In fact some studies have shown that the more time spent talking together and doing things together, the better the chances for rebuilding the relation--the better the chance for healing. Obviously feeling acceptance and peace, even love and compassion, feels better than nonstop anger, bitterness, confusion, or hate and a feeling of true forgiveness is a better feeling than true resentment. But if healing from this trauma is a goal, then it might be wiser to think of forgiveness as something that may come down the road when healing has occurred rather than a goal as such. But of course, this is just MO and your IC has greater insight into your particular situation, your particular dynamic, and your particular personality and needs. Some requirements for healing if we are still with our partners seem universal--they must go NC. They must be willing to do all possible to change from serial. unhealthy, cheating partner to safe and healthy parnter. They must feel true remorse. We as BSs must do all we can to maintain our physical, mental and spiritual health. But after all that, we each have our separate situations and our separate sources of strength.

CC, you sound like you are doing all good things to get your life back on track. Your H sounds truly remorseful. It sounds as though you're both doing what you should be doing to make life normal again. So short a time has passed since your D-Day but you seem to be on an great path to healing and finding happiness again.

We are togather working on our marriage daily. Nothing big just part of our lifestyle now. We have better communication and in some waysa stronger bond. Our first d day anniversary was oneof the dates last week. It was more of a woah it has been five years sincethe hellstorm started.. moreof alike yeah dont wanna go there again, apathetic about it truly.

Our anniversay was the week before.. We didnt celebrate as my brother in law had a stroke. We waited till lastweek on vacation to celebrate. My fwh had abusiness trip starting this. Morning. i had asked to leave on skype on felt anxious now its like okay. You have to go Ihate being away from you. Not being naive trust. Just. Feel like I am trusting him again.

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 4:50 PM, May 31st (Tuesday)]

PricklePatch--I've read some of your posts these past days and see that you and your H are still dealing with his betrayal almost 5 years now. One of your posts said he'd been going to the parlors and had received hjs. Was he doing other things as well? And was it for several years? Im asking because that was my H's activity and we are now going into month 10. That seems like a long time but I know recovery can be 2-5 years and that doesn't necessarily mean R. I admire your and your Hs fortitude for hanging in so long and for continuing to share your experience here on SI. Thank you.

I do feel reconciled. His addiction is secrets. He was in extensive ic. He hyad hjs, an ea, he went to sex workers. I found out because we were in n que for tickets and I saw intead of the ue he was gazing at picturesof his nephews girl friend on a sexual site. Hewas diagnose with asbergers. We are rconciled. However constant work on our communications is necssary because of his asbergers.

Make no mistake he is still going to sa, and ic. I madeconditions of recovery. I am fairly confident he wont cheat again, but the blinders are off. We were in a hard 180 for maybe 1 1/2 years. My healthissue was a pulmonary embolism due to crying ad vomiting over d day. My then 12 year old was sobbing. She listened at the door. It was not easy.

Hello Marji,

Thank you for everything. Everyone has helped tremendously. Yes,I feel like I am getting there but I have my days. (Unfortunately) I would love to try meditation as you suggested. How long have you been doing it? Do you go to classes or do you do it at home? I do listen to music and started to read again. This weekend was the first weekend I have spoken to my H with such openness. I even went to work today. It was extremely tough at lunchtime listening to all the woman chat about their wonderful H but I didn't leave as I did the last few weeks. I fought it through. I am glad you are doing well too. Do you feel your days are any easier? I hope all is well. Prayers to you as well. Hugs