SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello PricklePatch,

Thank you for your comments. I find them all helpful. My H told me and his ic on that it was the thrill of it. (Not getting caught.) Unfortunately I don't get it but I guess his IC stated she thinks it deeper than that and gave his an assignment to do for his next appointment. I know it tough when they leave for business. I am definitely finding it difficult to trust at this time. I am sorry to hear you got so sick. I did as well but doing somewhat better. I hope you are now feeling better. it sounds like you and your H are doing well. I am hopeful but I too have my Blinders off. Hugs

Travel isnt a big deal anymore. he will do facetime anytime I want. He knows if he dosnt it is a clear indicatorWe are done. He has gained a lot if insight into his why. He started this cret hing as a way to get one over onhis motherwho was mentally ill very contolling and felt masterbation was dirty. She died andhe transfered allthat on to me. Whenthe truth is henow sees he was controlling every thing by refusing tomake a decision. Work isto sress ful make my life easier you decide, i dont care you decide.

I went to his ic the intial visit, the every month to make sure he was hearing was what was being said.

It took him a long time to get it. He was remorseful right away, but didnt under and was stubborn about some things. We. will always have to work on communication. We are firmly in recovery. We have been for a few years. I ft thechills last night and went to bed a t 7 pm... I went to sleep knowing thereis an asian massage place within a mile and hookers as well.. it is a military town they are afact. I wasnt worried. We are in a good place

[This message edited by PricklePatch at 9:32 AM, June 1st (Wednesday)]

Btw he didnt jst do hjs. I also provedto him what canbe given from just ahand job.

Hi CC, so happy to hear you're doing better and better. You really do have a wonderful attitude. Your H is a fortunate man. I have been using a mindfulness program at home. I purchased the CDs some years ago but never used the program. Now I have it on my ipod and ipad and it's been a fantastic aid. It starts with an 8 week plan that was developed for people suffering physical and psychological trauma. I still do the exercises several times a week and use the book as well. Just going into month ten and things are better. Our MC thought it was amazing that I could spend up to an hour at times with my H eating a meal together or going for a walk and not thinking about "it." He thought even moments here and there indicated progress. I can't always get to that pain free, thought free hour but yes, generally things seem better. Glad you're doing so many good things for yourself, CC. I know you are going to be just fine. 😊😊😊

Dear CrushedChic,

I'm so sorry to read your post...Sadly my 1-yr anniversary of my D-day was May 27th. Last year this time I was learning my husband would go to AMPs daily (sometimes twice in a day, sometimes 2 girls at once) when I was home and always when I traveled. I have no words one year later. I do know the searing pain and shock...and time sort of helps a little. My SA husband has since spent thousands on counseling and therapy, as I have, but at the end of the day - nothing removes the stigma. I think my only advice is somehow take care of yourself...even a year later my husband still has the most stupid and mind-numbing comments - he literally has no morality, no ability to know right from wrong, and no capacity to care about anyone but himself. I only stay for the health insurance (we have Tricare and you cannot stay on benefits if separated or divorced). Other than that - I literally have nothing to do with him. I'm sure others have better SA spouses than mine but regardless, as others have said - you have to take care of yourself...no one else will...hugs and more hugs...

Hi Jamie,

Thank you for responding.

It truly saddens me to still hear the pain in your Statements. There is no other insurance plan you can get? I am so sorry sweetie but in the end you are correct we MUST take care of us first.

** Just an update.. I am still seeing my IC. She asked me if I knew what I was going to do. Either stay or leave. I said I am saying. I have decided to work this out BUT make no mistake It is going to take time to trust him. I told her I do not trust him and unfortunately his words are just that.... words. He needs to prove to me I that he is trustworthy. If not then I am and will be all set. There is no margin for error here. I feel that the medication is working. I am eating niw and going out. Although I don't go out yet as much as I did. I have decreased going to bed at 6:30pm. I was doing that to escape. Alone time..watch TV, read etc. H is still in therapy. Things seem back to normal BUT rest assure they are far from it. I don't have the images much. They did come but I try to fight them off. I am still extremely hurt. I hope everyone stays strong and thanks for being there. Hugs

Hi everyone,

Well it's been a rough couple of days. I actually feel like it's day one of finding out. I can't believe it but I try to more forward and the hurt is taking over. I just want to know why. I guess it sounds easy for me but I am a staight shooter so I would just answer it. Why...why did you do this...I am hurt and angry. More than angry I am pissed off!! Lord knows I am trying and THANK GOD I don't feel like this everyday but I have been feeling like this again. Any help or suggestions are much appreciated. Thanks ...hugs

Oh Lordy, Crushed. Wish I could offer some help to you but just don't have that kind of wisdom. In fact, maybe you can help me. You haven't said what's going on but I'll share that I'm finishing ten months if this and my H is still working on honesty issues as in being honest. So I'm getting more details and getting mire disgusted but hey Crushed, I think it's great that you are angry. Today I have felt almost as bad as day one. I'm hurt all over again. My IC this morning was of minimal help. MC is grueling because he requires more disclosure from my H and, while important I think, it's painful to hear . Crushed, you are not alone and you seem so strong and well, clever. Like you I keep asking why and how. He says he doesn't know but knows it was not to do with us or me. Great. That makes me feel more irrelevant than comforted but some days I just try to appreciate the day, the weather, the music. Hope you can do the same. And keep letting us know how you are.

Good morning Marji,

Things here have been great. To be honest BUT it's me. H is going to his IC and so am I. I like you went to my appointment and unfortunately I left the same. It was no help. I go back next week. I have asked all the questions that your MC has. Trust me probably more. I am just having a difficult time with the why. Why. You tell me everything was great but this.bif it was one time it would be hurtful but years. I would day between 20-40. Excuse my language but WTF. Do now how does more on? For me the Why are stopping me from doing so. I don't buy it was for the thrill of nit getting caught. Really what are you 16? I don't understand. So this is my help for you my dear friend. You can feel angry,hurt and lied too. It's ok and actually I feel it's healthy. Right? Who would go through what we had endured and be happy and carefree? Take your walk, listen to music and when you see a hummingbird or a cardinal know I am around to help you up. Today try not to think about it. (Easier said than done) when you do just for today, that one moment think of something else. Catch it quickly that's what I do. If I think about it I say noway think of something else. It works if you work it. I am trying. Best of luck... keep in touch...Hugs

Does anyone know if any good reading material? Thanks

You really do sound amazing, Crushed. Thank you for your positivity. Thought I should pass on that after 10 months and new revelations from H which, along with the details, show that he'd been lying all these months about many aspects of his behavior, our counselor is advising H to once again attend SA twelve step meetings. I say once again because H did attend several SA meetings last fall but H did not meet many of the standard characteristics of several of the SA diagnostics and stopped going to the meetings Our counselor believes there are degrees and types of SA and that H is a compulsive even if he seems not to be wrestling with temptations as many SAs do. At least not wrestling since D-Day. At the same time there have been lies, obfuscations and serious "amnesia." The "I don't remembers" and the "not sures" the "possibly, maybes but . . ." are extreme. He's been very loving and attentive but never really dealing with the roots of his activity. So we move on back to SA territory. Fortunately we didn't give the SA books away and seem to have the basic collection. You asked for book recos. What type were you actually looking for? Lots is Kindle available.

Appreciate your bird references. Glad to hear you are feeling better, getting out and about and keeping your sense of humor.

All the best.

H Marji,

Do we ever go over this? You interest when you stated "Once again" so did H repeat this behavior? I must be honest, I will NOT go through this again.H having surgery in a new days. H will be helping me. Thankfully my IC will do phone sessions. I sttrf with a journal. Not everyday bit only when I am losing it. My thoughts are that my next appointment I can go over it with my IC. As i have stated the last few days have been tough. Thinking way to much. Anyway, Thanks again... hugs

Hi everyone,

Well, my days are rough. The why is taking over. I have spoken to my IC and she has told me that a question only H can answer. I truly don't buy the actual why hen he explained it and I haven't ask again. I look around my home and see a nice home, beautiful yard, and hard working individuals. A Fun loving couple who enjoy each other. Then I take off my glasses and I see a man who got caught but is sorry but I don't trust him . I feel that he is sorry because he finally got caught. I look on Facebook and see our memories. Now it hurts so bad. 4 years ago in vacation so happy and to think the next day he was at a massage palor. I don't get it. I feel our sex life right now will never be the same. I am going to have a conversation with him again this week. My fear is that we move forward then if he dies this again I will be done with this marriage. Done ! I don't think he believes that I will be done.

I find myself bitter some days. Like how the F did this happen to me? I am rambling but it's been only a few months. I wish I could tell people that it gets better but for ME it's not. I feel I am wearing a mask. Hurts touch. Thanks for listening. It's a tough day.

Crushed, there doesn't have to be some deep, dark 'why' that drove him to do what he did.

He did it for the thrill. He did it for the sexual satisfaction. He did it for the excitement of having another woman touch him. He did it for the sexual variety. He did it because it was a sure thing - you pay your money, you get your result. He did it because he didn't have to deal with an OW on a daily basis or her showing up at your door and demanding he leave you.

He wasn't LOOKING for an emotional connection. He was just looking for a cheap thrill and he found it.

He did it because he could. And he did it because it was easily available.

He wasn't LOOKING to lose his family or his nice home or any of that. That was never his intention. I'm not quite sure why your therapist keeps trying to squeeze him into an SA category when it clearly doesn't fit, but that's being done an awful lot by therapists anytime a man is caught cheating. He doesn't sound qualified and if your therapist ISN'T a CSAT, then he's not qualified to make that diagnosis.

Over the years I've known many men who cheat for sport. Who cheat for the variety. Who cheat for the thrill of it because they feel so 'deprived' that they only can have one woman for the rest of their lives. Sometimes, it's just no more than that.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 7:54 AM, July 6th (Wednesday)]

Thank you for the list that I have already made. The only difference is our sex life was awesome. I agree with it all. Actually, the sad part is that what he does for a living. He is on the road so I guess I need to revisit that. I am having a difficult day beating myself up. I feel that I trusted him so much that I wasn't looking for it. I am trying. Just not a good day. Thanks for responding. I do appreciate it.

Hi CC, hope you might be feeling a bit better today. This stuff is bad, isn't it? But is there something in particular that gives you a bad day? I mean sometimes I have the mind movies though I can feel bad even without them. I can't remember if you said your H was in therapy but you have said he travels a lot. If you are not comfortable with that then maybe he needs to find another occupation. If he is not working with an IC then maybe that needs to happen in order for him to change. But CC please keep remembering that healing from betrayal can typically take from two to five years and that you learned about this not so long ago. Has your H completely stopped? Is he remorseful and doing what he can to understand what he did and working to change? Are able to do some nice things for yourself? Are you spending time with people you enjoy? Are you able to walk somewhere enjoyable, listen to music, read? Please know that time also helps and you will start to feel better and stronger as time goes on.

Hello crushed. I was reading all the messages here and I decided to add a bit of my own.

I am glad you are doing better. There are ups and down. But if you look back you'll see the you are better than D-Day.

In every case of infidelity there are three issues that have to be dealt with if the couple hopes to reconcile. They are trust, forgiveness and forgetting.

I can tell you right now that forgetting about it never happens. My D-Day was 10 years ago and I remember what happened very well. I can think about it without pain o feeling hurt. But I think I will never forget.

Now forgiveness, it's tough and in my case depended of the circumstances. Forgiving is an act of love and it will most likely be the first sing of reconciliation if it is to happen. Understanding why it happaned helped me. Not the factual why but the deep reason behind it. It usually takes IC and a lot of soul searching for you WS to find out. In my case there wasn't intercourse either, it was mainly an EA but it hurted anyway. I did helped me when I decided to forgive. If he is truly remoserful and showing with his actions that he wants to repair the damage that he did to your relationship also helps to forgive.

Out of the three things I mentioned, trust is by far, the toughest to deal with. Once trust in a relationship is broken, it is extremely difficult to earn it back. Still today I keep track of where she is and what she is doing. Both my wife therapist and psychiatrist are females...

I never fully trusted her again. But I do to a certain point.

I hope it helps. Don't rush into any decision. At some point you will feel inside which is the right choice. Because It will bring you peace of mind.

Hugs

Hello Marj,

I am so glad you responded. I was worried about you. I was thinking about you as I noticed that we share the same thoughts. As you asked is there something in particular that gives you a bad day? Triggers. Yesssss😞 on FB there have memories that come up. Like vacation, birthdays or just H and I have a great time. Then I think omg, the next day he went to his massage palor. That piece of shit!! It's tough Marj. I have had surgery so my ability to do things are extremely limited at this time. My IC is going to be calling me for sessions. Then sometimes I wonder does H think this is all better? He acts like we are right back to normal when I am dying inside. You know what really baffles me is that he came home like nothing happened. All those years of trust. Gone...I can nit say they will ever come back. I think I am and have been forget mode.i have buried do deep I try not to think about it and when I get a trigger omg I want to leave. I deserve better. Unfortunately thought it was him but I was wrong.

As you asked Has your H completely stopped? Is he remorseful and doing what he can to understand what he did and working to change? 1) I think so but I never thought he did it in the first place. He is in IC and yes he is working on change. He was extremely remorseful. All grest but sometimes I feel it's it really matter?

Anyway let's see what today brings.

Thanks for everything!! Hugs

Hello Esteban,

You are correct, I am doing better than my D-Day. Out of the three things I mentioned, trust is by far, the toughest to deal with. Once trust in a relationship is broken, it is extremely difficult to earn it back. Still today I keep track of where she is and what she is doing you stated:

I can relate to this. I don't trust him at all. I think he is a liar and selfish. the trust will never be there. Hope can it? Maybe over time but then if you trust and it happens again I will be beating myself up again. It's truly a different type of relationship in which I personally didn't sign up for. Trust is not only broken, it gone. Sad. As you stated 10 years ago for you.. do you have triggers? How is your relationship doing after 10 years? Thank you so much for your help. It's much appreciated. Hugs

Hi Crushed.

You can read my story here.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=439392&AP=241

After ten years my relationship is doing pretty well. The hard part is to learn to live with a person with a mental condition (my wife is bipolar). She has at least two relapses every year. Her psychiatrist is not completely sure why. It is triggered by a combination of things like her female period (not sure if this is how you say it), being sick or tired (a cold or something like that) and some triggers from her childhood (she had a terrible mother and older sisters).

I have to keep a close eye on her when she is depressed because she tends to look for "anything" to get out of depression and feel good again.

So, when it happens, I cancel my patients and stay at home with her as much as I can. I learnt to meditate and I am teaching her to do it. It helped her too. She never cheated again. I can sit at her side while she is on the latop and she will never close it or hide what she is writing. I have all her passwords and access to her phone at any moment. I also have a tracker on her phone. But the best indicator is the way she acts. She does a lot of things to show me that she loves me and that she appreciates all the effort we are doing together to help her.

As I said I trust but verify. So in a way, at least in my case I never regained a full trust in her. From time to time there is something she does that triggers memories in me and she knows. For example if she is talking with someone at the phone alone in her room. In those cases I ask her whom she was talking, and I check the phone number, just in case.

Every case is different and every person is different. I am glad we had a second chance and we are both doing the best we can under the circumstances.

It'll cut it here, I wrote too much. Sorry. Forgive my bad English too. I speak Spanish.

Please take care of yoruself and look for the things that will help you to heal and find peace of mind. In my case meditation helped me a lot. Also IC.

Hugs