SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For context, see my previous thread in the JFO forum: http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=583471

My girlfriend and I just broke up.

A couple of months ago, she had an affair on a business trip. A few weeks ago, she was sent back for another long trip to the same place. Things had been slowly getting better up to that point, and I was starting to feel like we might be able to reconcile after all. When she left for the trip, she was 100% in favor of reconciling, had gone NC with the other guy, and told me that she’d be devastated if our relationship failed.

Over the past week, while still on her trip, she started talking about how difficult our relationship was at this time (acknowledging her fault for that), and that it especially sucked when her relationship with the other guy was all about feeling good (ego kibbles). She mentioned that there were things she missed about her relationship with the other guy. But she still said that she felt terrible about the affair, and her comments, although painful and inappropriate, were somewhat understandable. In the last few days, those comments started to become more explicitly about wanting to go back to the other guy. Yesterday, Skyping into our couples therapy session, she openly wrestled with that desire and not knowing what to do. (Our therapist told her that the other relationship was a fantasy, that the other guy seemed like a sleaze, and that this was a poor coping mechanism for dealing with the discomfort of our relationship, but it doesn’t seem like those comments made much of an impact. Our therapist also warned me afterwards that my girlfriend was obviously “foreshadowing” and “setting herself up”.)

It became more and more clear that she was seriously considering going back to him. I braced myself and I told her “if you go back to him, you have to break up with me first, even if it’s just via text. None of what happened last time.” Later, I made clear my expectation that she was not to have any contact with the other guy whatsoever: “no hellos, no calls, no texts, no nothing.” I told her that I loved her and that I wanted to make it work, but I avoided doing the pick-me dance. When she called this morning, she apologized for not being more “strong and steadfast” in our relationship. Then she went on to ask more questions that made it very clear that she was mulling her options. She told me that she had scheduled an extra solo session with our therapist for tonight. After that session, she sent me an email:

I just got done with a 1-on-1 session with [our therapist]. After discussing it with her, I've decided that I need to get in contact with the other guy again. I understand that one of your conditions of our relationship was that I don't get in touch with him at all while you and I are still together. So I wanted to let you know that is what I feel that I need to do at this time. I know that I could end up regretting it, but I also feel that I will regret it if I don't explore it either. I don't want to always be wondering what it might have been like, and I don't think that it would be fair to you either if I did.

...

I love you, and I am sorry for all the pain that I have caused you. I still think you are a wonderful, brilliant, and talented person. I still admire you, and feel lucky to have gotten to spend so many years getting to know you. You are such a good person, and I only wish the best for you.

Much Love,

[Girlfriend]

She doesn’t explicitly break up with me, but it’s clear enough, right? Maybe letting me be the one to “officially” end the relationship is one last parting gift from her? Anyway, I sent her this response:

I’m very sad to hear that. I believed that we could make our relationship work and wanted to try, but, yes, not going back to him was a condition. So, our relationship is over.

... [some logistics stuff] ...

Breaking up will surely have its own challenges, but I hope and believe that we can emerge from it on friendly terms. I wish the best for you too.

I want to take the high road here. I suspect that she’s making a really bad decision and that her relationship with the other guy is likely to fail hard and fast, but I don’t hate her and I don't want to. And although I’m very pained that this ended, I think I should prepare to resist any attempts to get back together in the foreseeable future.

I had braced for this outcome, but my blood still ran cold when I read her email. I appreciate that she at least was up-front about her decision, and I’m grateful that this happened before we were married or had kids. I still love her, despite everything. I could really use e-hugs and support. And feel free to ask questions if you’re curious about any of the details; I appreciate processing and talking about it.

EDIT: If you're just reading this for the first time, check out my update post on page 5. Basically, I got proof that she had already been seeing him for over a week before sending me this email, and she subsequently confessed to it.

[This message edited by toopol at 2:56 PM, June 19th (Sunday)]

You have been heard Toopol.

I am very sorry it has come to this but she has made her decision.

Sending strength, stand strong, and great big comforting hugs

(((((Toopol)))))

((((toopol))))

I'm so sorry. Even when we 'know' that things are pretty much over, there is that tiny sliver of hope that lurks in the background. That hope gets crushed when the 'it's over' becomes REAL.

I'm glad you value yourself enough not to allow yourself to become her plan B when (NOT if) things come crashing down with fantasy sleaze guy. When you are plan B, you set yourself up for this kind of behavior from her to happen again and again and again.

Sending strength to you.

((((toopol))))

((((((Toopol)))))))

Bravo for taking the high road

This is not the end u had imagined but I have to warn you that if things don't go as planned with OM it is very possible she will come back asking for forgiveness. Are u prepared for that?

You are lucky that you were not married with kids and maybe she did u a favor. You know the Garth Brooks unanswered prayers type of favor

I myself have 3 ex boyfriends that I thought I would die when we broke up. All three have told me at some point what a mistake they made and all 3 I'm so glad are out of my life.

Hugs keep ur head up she's only interested in what she fantasizes the relationship was. Reality will hit hard

Looks like she has her priorities straight. I just hope that when it fails (it will eventually) you don't become her rebound.

(((toopol)))

I agree with you that she will regret it terribly. I don't see any good out of that relationship.

I followed your other thread.

I think she just took you for granted and doesn't appreciate the good she had.

You seem like a very thoughtful person. I wouldn't call you "Mr. Nice Guy", You are much more then that. I just think you really are a very understanding person who pounders deeply everything and has the capacity of placing yourself on other the person shoes and always look for the best logical outcome. You look at it from all perspectives.

You know you gave it all and did all humanly possible to the relationship. And did so very honorably.

Good luck to you and your future.

Take very good care of yourself.

Yes, I'm preparing myself to defend against any "plan B" attempts to return. I did have that sliver of hope, even when I read her email tonight, but I had promised myself that I'd break up if this happened, and I don't want to sign up for any more pain. If she had just had the affair, realized it was a mistake, and come back to support me 100%, then I think we could have had a happy future. But this was a very deliberate choice on her part, and even if she regrets it, it shines a new light on her issues. I wasn't sure if we could get past the affair; I feel more certain that we *can't* get past *this*.

Based on what she said in the email (and so far I have no evidence suggesting that she has lied about anything since her original confession), she didn't contact the other guy before sending the email. There's a slight chance that he won't want to take her back, in which case she might be regretting her choice within hours. But I don't think that's likely. He was all "you're the only one for me" and "I'll wait for you forever", so I think they'll enjoy their reunion. I don't think reality will hit her until she gets back from the trip.

I'm sure she does feel some guilt and sadness about the end of our relationship, but it sucks to know that that's probably outweighed by giddy excitement at getting to see him again. It especially sucks to know exactly when she'll likely be sleeping with him again.

Oh, by the way: we're not married, but we've lived together for the past few years. One of us is going to have to move out. When I moved in, I told her that I would be the one to move out if we ever broke up. But there are some practical reasons why it makes more sense for her to go, and I really don't want to lose this apartment, and she kinda owes me, right? I'll ask for it, at least. I want to take the high road and don't want it to get acrimonious at all, but I hope she'll just let me be the one to stay.

I think she just took you for granted and doesn't appreciate the good she had.

You seem like a very thoughtful person. I wouldn't call you "Mr. Nice Guy", You are much more then that. I just think you really are a very understanding person who pounders deeply everything and has the capacity of placing yourself on other the person shoes and always look for the best logical outcome. You look at it from all perspectives.

You know you gave it all and did all humanly possible to the relationship. And did so very honorably.

Thank you so much. In my good moments, that's how I see myself, so this means a lot to me.

Of course I have thoughts about "what if I did X differently", and I made mistakes, and I was far from perfect. But I know that I tried, and I worked hard, and I did good. We really could have made it work, and it was her choices that stopped us. It's not my fault. I have to remind myself of that.

I mean if she had the common decency she would move out. But my guess, I don't think so, either way you should take this time to clean out the apartment and hide or protect any precious object..... you never know. Still It's kinda odd she just "fell in love" with a guy she had just met,too bad for her that she threw away a guy who stayed with her for years..... Good for you tho, dodged a bullet, now on to the next lucky female (when you feel ready of course).

Good for you tho, dodged a bullet, now on to the next lucky female (when you feel ready of course).

Yeah, no kidding. I'm deeply sad that she turned out to be a bullet, but very happy to have dodged it in the end. :P

I think I'm going to need to take a good long time before I'm ready to date again, but that's okay. And part of me is excited about the prospect of dating again. I'm sure I'll be lonely at times, but I've already gotten a lot of the despair and self-pity out of my system over the last couple of post-affair months, and I'm ready to go forward with hope and optimism.

I am sorry that this didn't work out the way you wanted. Sending you strength to rebuild a brighter future.

T

Now is the day you define yourself. Her actions define her, your reaction today defines you.

So, who are you? The guy who pines or the guy who ssys this - this is who I will be and starts to be that guy.

Sounds like you have your head on straight.

You did the right thing.

Sending you hugs.

Taking the high road is overrated. Tell her to enjoy her herpes then block all forms of communication. Seriously though i'm sorry it came to this.

Well now Mr. Long distance Bellboy can show her the world, as promised.

I said it before and I'll say it again, she's either lying about lots of things or she's just about the dumbest, most naive woman ever. And both of those options are bad news for you.

I hope you spared yourself from getting herpes.

I wish you the very best. I can guarantee you'll back on this experience and thank your lucky stars it ended this way.

Whose name is on the lease?

My vote is to pack her stuff up so that when she returns, it's easier for her to get out.

Don't ask, tell her she's free to go to bell boy.

Strengrh

I'm sorry for your pain, Toopol, but not sorry for you saying NO to more abuse! You deserve to be happy, and it's so inspiring to see you sticking to your boundaries and non-negotiables. You are doing what is right for you, and you better be damn proud of yourself for that!

What a selfish immature fool she is to throw away such a good man. A thoughtful, sensitive, dependable man who was willing to cope with the lifelong reminder of her betrayal (STD) and gave her more than she deserved.

Are both your names on the lease? She should definitely be the one to leave regardless. I might go to the store, buy some hefty bags or boxes and start packing her stuff. If hers is packed and yours isn't, it might make it easier to convince her (or maybe it would piss her off worse and cause more problems). Maybe ask your landlord if you can change the lock on the door (if it's only your name on the lease -- I don't think you could do that if it's both of your names).

Also, in addition to preparing to defend against her Plan B return (the fog/fantasy of her "virgin" hotel clerk OM can't last), I would prepare for a fight over property in your shared apartment. Anything valuable that you think she might fight you for, I would take it to a friend or family member's house to store. Appliances, cash, valuables, important documents (taxes, birth certificates, social security cards, etc.). Take pictures and video of your apartment. If she gets rejected (or realizes her stupidity) by the OM and also by you, who knows what she might do. She could steal stuff, or destroy everything. Or take sensitive info and Dox it. Who knows. Just protect yourself in case. You don't owe her the assumption that she won't act this way. She has shown how unsafe and disloyal she is to you.

Toopol, before long you will be posting success stories in New Beginnings. You are going to have a great life, and you will find someone who makes you say "Holy shit! This is what a relationship can be like?!"

I agree with 5454.

First of all, who is on the lease ? If both, you need to talk to the landlord and get the person moving out off of it or just don't pay on it and force the person who stays to pay it all or leave themselves.

I didn't comment on your thread much if at all because I thought you should have broken up with her along time ago.

However, not that you had the courage to stand up and draw a line and she crossed it, I would distance yourself. One of you two move and I mean quickly. Make sure you protect yourself and your assets. Then distance yourself so you don't become a rebound. She's not worth going back to after you tried to R when you didn't have to

I have followed your JFO thread from the beginning. I'm sorry that this happened to you and it is going to be rough for a while. You will have feelings that range from sadness, to anger, to depression. You may feel like the OM was "better" than you and took her from you. But, the reality is that if it wasn't him, it would have been someone else that she turned to. This really has nothing to do with you, and really nothing to do with the OM. It is 100% the fault of your ex-GF.

Please take some "me" time and focus on just being happy alone. Do the things that you enjoy and maybe even take up a new hobby to bide your time. You'll eventually find someone new and this ex-GF willjust be a memory.

all I can do is say good for you!!!

stick to healthy boundaries

seems like a century ago for me (at the risk of projecting) your story is like my first serious BF and while I wasn't one to sneak around I wasn't really much better with the break up, go date others, and then come back to steady-eddie... around here "plan B" so I was a cake-eater I just rationalized it selfishly then as I was young and "didn't want to be tied down"

best dang thing he did was tell me no when I wanted to get back together and tell me he wasn't going to be there just because I'd gotten tired of my adventures...

please please please do not take her back on the rebound. I had no respect for that BF in retrospect and I had a lot of work to do on myself FIRST

if it is meant to be IMO the puzzle pieces are in place without bending into a pretzel to make a life together happen... I would encourage you now to just focus on you. I am betting when you do you will look back and wonder what the heck you ever saw in her and cannot believe what you put up with = you will be fine and happy with an equally whole person, not the wounded "need's fixin'" mess-type

I would suggest going dark and completely NC and you just focus on your healing

it will get better, gold tested in fire gets the impurities out

peace as you process