SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am not wired like the other guys here who have reconciled. I say this knowing they are stronger and probably better men than me.

Sorry, going to have to chide you here.

It's not about better or stronger, it's about you as an individual and not compromising your moral compass.

To me, you don't stand in front of a speeding train and one second from impact hope and get a second chance at life.

People go into affairs readily aware of the consequences. No doubt your wife knew you and knew what might happen if she cheated but she still did it.

Don't concern yourself with what other people do. This is your choice, for that there must be respect and nothing but respect for your decision.

Yes. My ex has found SI and has been posting over on wayward recently. I don't think he knows who I am on here though.

He too hates this place. He feels it triggers me and that I stay in a negative mindset constantly thinking about the cheating

I figure the folks over on the wayward side will set him straight. Or atleast they would if he were honest. Which his posts have not been. He has omitted a lot.

Anywho, losing their partners is the risk they took when they chose infidelity. She caused your divorce. Not SI

Since you've kept some things hidden from your wife , let it out now , you've nothing to lose.

waitedwaytoolong,

R is not a promise and has no guarantees.

Some people can others can not. IMHO at this moment is pointless to explere why you cant.

You tryed for 5 years, you both did！it is not fair not just for her but for you as well.

She was not played for 5 years, yiu were there too eating the shit sandwich evry single day. You didnt take advntege of her in any sence.

A few points to consider

There is not winners regarding infidelity, you both lost a lot.

R is not a competition, no one is a head on it. An efective R is achieve as a coordinated couple. And is not succesful, in your case, not because yiu didnt try but because you just couldnt.

R is not a matter of what is fair, is what you can do, as before, is not a competition.

Infidelity has consequences spreded in the time and affect a lot of people. It is not something in the past, it stucks with you and changes you (my case 20 years now and stil think about it).

R is a gift BS gives the WS everyday, it is not a must.

infidelity is not an accident, nor due been reckless. It is a choise she made and know needs to accept consequences and move on. Was not a mistake, was planned ans excuted each time. As soon s she accept it the soober she will move on.

Good luck

Last thing.

The affair is 100% on her, no matter what.

The failure of R, in this case as yiu both tryed for 5 years, is nobodys fault. Some things when broken can not be fixed.

[This message edited by Mrhealed at 7:53 AM, August 19th (Friday)]

However, it doesn't change the fact that I can't forget. Its not a matter of a second chance or her, it is me. I am not wired like the other guys here who have reconciled. I say this knowing they are stronger and probably better men than me.

Waited:

My fiance/wife first cheated on me when she was 19 and then again years later when she was 25. I found out now years later when she was 55. Because I was so suspicious those years I have many memories about events that I can now put into perspective and it all makes shitty sense. I cannot believe how much I LOOKED the other way.

She was my one and only. It hurts like shit. All the time. The mind movies. It hurts. I cannot forget. Now sometimes I want to be romatic and kiss her and I have to abort. I 'see' them kissing her, doing things etc, etc.

But at the same time I look back and I can accept that she changed. We went on to have a pretty good darn marriage. We raised a family. Looked after the old peops. And now we are starting to become one of those old peops ourselves.

I cannot forgive or forget, and for now I have to accept, and in time I will let it go.

Have other BS had there WS found them here? Did it help or hurt their progress?

I have spoken to nobody else (imagine me telling my friend whose wife happens to be my wife's friend?). Being married this long, 34 years, we don't have individual friends. So SI was a good sounding board for me. The peops here on SI give great advice. This is the only outlet for me. I could let my anger and disgust come out.

At one point things were really going great between us and I felt I could open up and tell her my username. My idea was that she reads what waywards need, to fix themselves up.

But surprise, surprise, she knew my username already. She had read. She could see what I thought of her. Maybe her intention was to spy, to see what I was saying about her.

But actually now she could have the same understanding of my hurt and the enormity of what she had done those years ago. She could read the advice that was given. That I needed healing, openness, etc.

If your spouse wants to read how shitty she was, she is at the right place.

In our case I feel it had a positive outcome. My wife has been incredibly remorseful. And we are moving on.

Wow, the comments here have been well thought out and terrific.

We have been speaking a lot in the last few days which has been good. It has been a while since we have really done that. I do think she suffers as much, or probably more from the aftermath of this whole thing. I might have been the guy hit by the car, but she was the one driving it which is most likely harder to get over.

After thinking about it, and discussing in IC, the fact that she was reading here for a while isn't such a big deal. Might qualify her to work for the New England Patriots. She got to see my playbook. It was the impetus for her telling our daughters which has not turned into the disaster that I thought it would be.

I can't respond to everything, but one poster asked Do I love her? the answer is yes. Do I think she deserves a second chance? Probably a yes to that too. But to the question of do I think I would be better off without her? The answer to that is yes too. That leads to another who talked about pride. That is a core element to who I am. It has never gotten in my way and has made me a better person. I really try to take pride in everything I do and how I treat people. Of course I am way short of perfect on that, but my pride doesn't get in the way of admitting when I fall short.

This thing falls into a whole other category. Why should I have to sacrifice my core to someone who hurt me so badly. I know love is supposed to overshadow that, but I hasn't for me.

She and my kids are desperately trying to put the brakes on everything to give more time for me in IC, and for more honest discussion. I don't think that will work. I am still planning on moving in about a month to another property we own and to see how the distance will make me feel. We will hold off on anything formal or divorce proceedings to see how that goes.

The one stumbling block is seeing other people. She does not want that, but I do. I do not consider this an RA, or open marriage as we are in my mind separated. How will I know if she is the one still if I don't get to experience other relationships. If this is a deal breaker for her I get it and proceed directly to divorce. I know that protocol here is for spouses to be divorced before other relationships are started, but she is the one who is holding off on going to the final step.

There is no guide for doing this right.

What about Retrouvaille? Have you considered it?

Do you just really want to separate and date? That is what it is sounding like to me. Do you have someone in mind?

I really haven't considered Retrouville. It was a big step for me to get into IC. That has been good and I thank everyone here for pushing me on that. Not sure I can Deal with much more though. Its not like we didn't talk about this when this all happened. We did. It just for the past few years that it has been the elephant in the room.

At this point all I want to do is run out the clock until the beginning of October. To be frank all of this thinking and talking about the whole thing just brings up more anger. I have a running list of all the things they did playing like a loop in my mind. The move might be way to run away, but is that so bad? you would run away from a fire if it was consuming you.

No I don't have anyone in mind. that is why the move is good as I can start fresh. I don't have a lot of contacts down there as it has mostly been a seasonal thing.

Don't see other people until you have healed (or divorced). It will just complicate things and bring trouble to the person you'll date.

There must other ways for you to get over it and to deal with things without involving another person into all this. It wouldn't be fair to other person to use them like that , even if you divorce : you should see other people when you have moved on and healed.

[This message edited by ivehadit01 at 10:21 AM, August 19th (Friday)]

Retrouvaille is not like counseling. It is more of a weekend retreat but it entails some hard work, too. You don't even really have to speak. There are no group sessions. You listen to some speakers and than you do an assignment. On your own. You only share it with your spouse, not with anyone else.

It teaches you a way to communicate. To really communicate. It was a breakthrough for my FWH that has always had a very difficult time communicating with me in a deep way.

Again, I ask, what do you have to lose by going?

Do you really think that moving out will stop that loop in your mind?

ETA: Your children really want you to work on your marriage, it seems. Yeah, they really don't have a say, it isn't their marriage, but it is their family. Could you give Retrouvaille a chance for their sake? Tell them you are doing it for them and that if it doesn't help or change how you feel that they know that you gave it your best shot.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:22 AM, August 19th (Friday)]

I think it's fine to see other people as long as you tell them that you're just trying to see if you want to remain married and there's an element of leveling the playing field by using them. Otherwise it's shitty.

What a coincidence. She is looking at dates. Not sure it is something I want to do. Just so done with this

As to if it will end the loop. I don't know. That's why I want to try. I do know the two biggest triggers which are her and this house will not be around.

Time to play golf now. My turn to make a choice to torture myself!

You've been living in the house where the A happened for 5 years?

Why didn't you two move to the other one when this happened?

Would it be impossible to sell this house?

I am not wired like the other guys here who have reconciled. I say this knowing they are stronger and probably better men than me.

Nonsense! I don't consider myself a better or stronger man for trying to reconcile and rebuild a wrecked marriage rather than divorce and just move on. In fact, I often question, even a 16 months later, which road truly is the better path?

Personally, I think it's a good thing you're wife is reading on SI. I told my fWW about this site shortly after finding it myself and then told her my username a short while after that. She's questioned some of the things I've written. I've tried very hard to be as honest as possible here on SI and never, ever let that fact change what I write. For the most part, like you, there's little I discuss on SI that I don't, or won't, discuss with my wife. She has taken a bit of umbrage at some of the things that other members have written in response, but that's not my problem, now, is it?

Members here have their own unique stories. We are all individuals. But! We are also all human, and humans are very predictable and, of course, well studied. There is a tremendous amount of wisdom here on SI, if you're willing to invite others in. The greatest gift the members here on SI have given me is the ability to see myself in a whole new light. The anonymity is comforting, but I've also become real life friends with a few people.

I owe the kind folks who started and maintain this site, not to mention several wonderful and incredible members, a debt I could never, ever repay. And to be perfectly frank, I think my wife owes these same people, and others, a similar debt.

Like everything else in life, you get out of something what you put into it. I've gotten a lot out of SI because I poured myself into this community. It's still one of the greatest uses of the internet I've ever come across. You know?

waitedwaytolong, the very words in the title of your post, to me says it all and it’s very apt for you both.

For you it was waiting Way to long before telling your wife you worried that the R was not working for you, because no matter how hard she tried to make the marriage right again and you know she is trying very hard, you still could not stop thinking about the affair she had, and it was still consuming and destroying you mentally and therefore the marriage too.

For her it was, she waited Way to long before she admitted to you, she new you were on here and had been reading your posts for a very long time without you knowing, she should have realised the pain and struggles you were still going through and this was going to be very dangerous to the R working, and should have approached you sooner and come clean, this I think is what you are now really struggling with inside, you liken it to being like, her deceit towards you that she used in the affair.

And why did this happen, I suspect this kind of honesty has always been the trouble throughout most of your married life, it’s called communicating, yes good old fashioned honest and open communication between each other, this goes’ Way (there’s that word again) back to even before the affair, for if you both had been in a situation where you new you could and should be able to say anything to each other, such as your worries, feelings, things that were going wrong in the marriage, and how could you put it right, just did not happen.

You say lately you both have had the best communications ever between you, so please wait and give it more time to develop even better, this may be the last chance you have, for if you move out IMHO it will be the end of your marriage, the kids want you to stay together and your marriage to survive, and sometimes you know what, the kids can teach their parents a thing or two about being better people inside.

Good luck Regards bje49

If you don't want your W to read your posts, I suggest asking her not to.

I'd also suggest asking her hy she hasn't joined and posted on the WS forum.

Not sure I can Deal with much more though.

Bro, You've been living with this pain for 5 years. You don't think that's strength?

Telling yourself you can't forgive essentially makes it so. I really hope you look inside, develop or find the necessary resources, and realize that you can forgive, that you get to make the choice to forgive or not, and that either choice is OK.

Right now, you're choosing D because you don't think you can R. You'll have a much better D if you realize you can do either R or D.

I refused to commit to R until (among other things) I could really see myself living a good life if I D'ed. I realized a 'Yes' isn't really a 'Yes' if 'No' is not an option. The same principle applies to you - 'Yes' to D isn't really a 'Yes' unless 'No' to D is also an option.

Waited way too long, when you say that you love your wife, don't fool yourself. Love - the feeling - is a fruit of love, the verb. By saying "how do I understand if she is the one without dating someone else" you rationalize. It is up to you to make her the one – by your actions. And now your actions say – you don't love her, and she is not the one.

It's okay, it happens all the time, but please don't full yourself by saying "I love her". This is a wayward logic you are falling into, as far as I can see.

Edit: For wayward, love is all about feelings, for faithful, love is all about act.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 11:56 AM, August 19th (Friday)]

That leads to another who talked about pride. That is a core element to who I am.

waitedwaytoolong

I always had the feeling that it was a deal breaker and you would have walked the first day if not for your pride. You couldn’t stand the thought of anyone knowing that your wife screwed the contractor. You were willing to put up with anything to avoid that.

I do know the two biggest triggers which are her and this house will not be around.

waitedwaytoolong

I can’t believe that you’re still in the same house your wife and the OM designed and remodeled together. I can picture them in bed after sex discussing what color the living room should be. You’re taking a crap and it’s the brand of toilet that the OM recommended to your wife.

It’s like the OM marked his territory on the walls, floors and your wife. You've been coming home to that for five years? You needed to move a long time ago. No matter what you end up ultimately doing, f@cking move!!

It was the impetus for her telling our daughters which has not turned into the disaster that I thought it would be.

waitedwaytoolong

It wasn’t a disaster because they learned that you already knew about it for five years. You have seemed to be OK during that time so it must not have been all that bad. If you just found out and showed them how devastated you were (and were getting a divorce) they would have reacted more strongly. It’s like telling someone that you had cancer five years ago vs you just found out.

The one stumbling block is seeing other people. She does not want that, but I do. I do not consider this an RA, or open marriage as we are in my mind separated. How will I know if she is the one still if I don't get to experience other relationships.

waitedwaytoolong

In general I think RAs are a bad idea. They are forced (I must find someone to have sex with now) and you’re using the other person. On the other hand, if over the course of time you find someone you’re attracted to, are honest with and they feel the same then why not?

The main reason that I wouldn’t cheat on my wife is that I would feel guilty to the point that it wouldn’t be any fun at all. If my wife cheated first then I would not feel guilty thus taking away the main reason not to. Even if you were to renew your vows there would be nothing to stop you. In that case she broke the vows the first time and you the second.

In my opinion your wife is unusual in the same way that Spaceghost’s wife was unusual. They each thought their husband was great and sex didn’t mean anything.

They didn’t degrade their husband in their mind in order to rationalize the affair. They didn’t build the OM or the affair relationship into something great. Because of this they were able to end the affair and dump the OM on a dime which is very unusual.

I don’t think that you having sex with someone else is what really bothers your wife. After all she did it and it wasn’t a big deal to her. She was planning an anniversary celebration cruise during her affair and was sincerely surprised when you didn’t want to go after you found out (i.e. sex is nothing to get upset about). What she fears is that you might fall in love with that person then where would she be?

[This message edited by Graywolf at 3:11 PM, August 19th (Friday)]

you said it your self your problem is pride

you dating and fucking around "with freedom" after separating ain't going to fix your pride problem

If you were staring your maker in the eyes, would you be found inferior? Would you want to be accepted and loved regardless of your faults and flaws? Would you want to be forgiven for the fact that you are not perfect? Or do you think you should be judged as harshly as your pride "core"?

Where would you be without the thought and beliefs surrounded by your pride that forgiving her translates to "I have to sacrifice my core to someone who hurt me so badly?"

yah, if I believe that my pride is more important than my relationship to my spouse, my children, my family, my friends... yep, I end up all the time alone with my pride

kinda like an island to not feel pain (hmmm there's a song about that...)

so you really sure you want to put pride that high up on the pedastal? Really? Because you are telling your family that you prefer to be alone with your pride and to have the freedom to chase tail because

you were hurt

hmmm - you really want to choose pride?

I would question about putting that emotional self, that pride, front and center driving the bus in that sense

because hurt people hurt people

and it doesn't make the man in the mirror enjoy the reflection better in the aftermath

you've gotten great suggestions regarding retrouvaille and it's perfectly ok to realize that processing through is taking longer for you = jeeze you stayed in the same house, man, that was courageous to own the space while trying to heal.

Kudos to you for admitting that the marriage hadn't healed like a broken bone that wasn't set right. It takes courage to speak up about the pain. You are still experiencing pain because this process ain't linear, and it ain't easy and it doesn't just happen with time. it is what you choose to do with that time and I would hope you won't cheat your self and cop out with the excuse of your "wiring". Admit it that you are stuck on how hard this shit is and ask for patience and time to get unstuck from pride.

Your better man is already inside of you if and when you choose to be done with that ego

just my two cents

peace as you process because yeah, this climb up the mountain is hard most days