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I do have investments, but in today's low-interest markets the dividends would not make up for the loss of her pension. But, a large percentage of the investments would be considered marital property.

Her pension is also marital property and she would have to pay you maybe 50% of it.

Only a lawyer can answer these questions...get a lawyer that is also a CPA.

Look up Cordell and Cordell law firm.

You need to stay strong my man, like when you told bike boy to GTFO of your WW hospital room. You need to keep that strength up while dealing with your WW.

The trip into the unknown can be daunting especially for us older guys, starting over again is not what we envisioned our life would come too, as was the case with our S decision to have an A.

Its never to late to meet someone who wants to be with you. You owe her nothing now, she is firing you as her H, do not waver you are entitled to half the marital assets that includes pension plans , investments, etc, etc... Your not taking her to the cleaners just giving her a taste of the reality she will be facing.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 12:05 PM, August 27th (Saturday)]

But, it's not my dime. Our main source of income is her pension. I'm trying to get a business off the ground, my old one withered in the economy and has suffered from technology-driven changes in the market. She worked for the government so she always had better income. It's a reversal of the more traditional gender roles.

If we split that evenly, I'm in a bad way. We used most of it to support household and normal living expenses.

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Our main source of income was my income....Which we used to pay our normal living expenses with little left over ..Hence the reason my 401 K is not larger than it is....

So I get what you are saying..My pension split 50-50 would only come to about $ 900 a month...This would be my only income to support myself for the next 5 years( until social security kicked in ), if I was unable to find a sustainable job..

My half of my 401 K ( if split 50-50 ) that I earned over the course of two decades would only be enough to buy a fancy new car...

Tell me how these funds would be enough to start over and get me thru the next two or three decades, when I am already hitting 60

Hell yeah a divorce with 50- 50 split would suck ..I wonder how many people our age would consider this undoable, and simply wait and hope their wayward spouses pass on before they do, lol...One lawyer I spoke to advised me to do just that...

So I do hear you and I get your perspective.....

She got out of rehab today. A friend of ours drove her home to pick up some clothes and personal items. Another friend of ours was there for me.

A wrenching event, from not getting much sleep the night before to feeling as low as dirt after she left.

She did say she was willing to go to see a counselor with me. I might like to, but not if her idea of seeing a counselor is just an opportunity to tell me how inadequate I am before she goes on her merry way.

Friends and family are telling me to calm down. They are probably right, it just makes ME look bad - but it's nigh impossible. Telling me to chill is not what I want to hear from my friends and supporters. I want to hear how outraged they are for me. Instead, it's "we don't want to take sides."

The worries continue: money, the future, the house. The ice is very thin where I'm standing.

Something I need to do real soon is get a will that makes the kids my beneficiaries.

Oh, I forgot to mention - the mutual friend who is letting the wife stay with her for a while lives within walking distance of Bike Boy. The friend works, and my wife is retired, so that leaves her all the work-day to do as she pleases.

I'm sorry today was so tough. If you aren't ready for MC, it might be a good idea to look into IC, especially if you're not getting the support you need from friends and family.

Good luck.

She did say she was willing to go to see a counselor with me. I might like to, but not if her idea of seeing a counselor is just an opportunity to tell me how inadequate I am before she goes on her merry way.

Waste of time and money in an active affair. You need to get strong here. It's your best option. No matter which way this turns.

Remember you can't make her do anything.

You come across as weak, etc it'll just make matters worse. Under no circumstances live in infidelity.

IMO, go no contact. Separate your finances, etc.

Hello again. I needed a break from all this for a few days. I'm able to feel a little more normal, whatever "normal' is these days. I have not heard from the wife for about 4 days - since she told me she was going to see a lawyer Friday (today is Sunday). I have not heard back from her. My legal advisor friend says I should wait to hear from her. She continues to urge me to calm down - when I'm dealing with the wife anyway.

I've talked to my daughter and daughter is angry with her mom. Thanks to the intell I've gathered and shared with her, she knows her mom lied to her - told her she'd broken it off with Bike Boy in July. But, the evidence shows the romancing was continuing into August - physical or not.

My mind is shifting on whether a reconciliation is possible or desirable. I hate the thought of giving up on our (my) retirement plans and having a whole family. I especially hate the thought of living on half of what I was expecting, and not being able to leave as much for the kids.

But, I ask myself if I can really forgive this, and if I can ever trust her again, and whether we'd just go through it all again in another few years.

Have any of you been successful in rebuilding trust?

Hi BeeBee, I'm a little over 1 year out. I have some trust, but not complete trust yet.

You have a much tougher road since your WW doesn't seem to want to make it work with you at this point, and doesn't seem to want to stop her A. Not much you can do while she is in that frame of mind unfortunately.

Maybe your daughter knowing the truth will help your WW snap out of it. Maybe not. It sure seems like your WW has her feet out the door and isn't invested in your marriage much at all now.

I've been comfortable trusting my H - but it was years before I could. Now at 4 years out I trust him as much as I can knowing the reality of relationships and the weakness of people.

Now - my husband has been almost completely remorseful from early on. He did not blameshift - he owned his shit. There is no R without both partners. Your wife is not demonstrating she is worthy of reconciliation. She is displaying cruel and abusive behaviour.

It sucks to give up half when you're divorcing a cheater - but seriously...what price do you put on happiness? What's that saying? Why does divorce cost a fortune? Because it's worth it! Or something like that.

[This message edited by sassylee at 10:36 PM, September 4th (Sunday)]

Bebe, Sassylee makes a good point even one I should think about too. I'm staying for my easy life, the house, the money and the kids...BUT is any of it worth it?

I'd suggest if your journey somehow goes the route of R that your WW sign a post- nuptial giving you a great share say 75/25 if she cheats EA or PA alike. A WS who is willing to sign this is someone whose legally putting their future intentions on the line.

My legal advisor friend says I should wait to hear from her. She continues to urge me to calm down - when I'm dealing with the wife anyway.

I do not understand that advice at all, why should you wait to hear from your wife, she has now disappeared for 4 days without a word.

I have always heard that the person that files first is the better off.

Your wife has already stated her plans to separate and find a place of her own, why in the world should you wait??

As far as if you can ever trust her, I would say no, considering I believe this is her third affair.

Is this legal advisor and actual lawyer?

I especially hate the thought of living on half of what I was expecting, and not being able to leave as much for the kids.

Well half of your retirement cost of living won't exist when she isn't in your future anymore either when you think about it. You just need to adjust your plans for one less person. Also, it's up to her to leave the famiky anything in her will, you just have to worry about yours.

Is this legal advisor and actual lawyer?

Yes, she is. And she does a lot of mediation for families (but not for separation/divorce).

Her point is that I need the chill time because if I can manage to stay calm I'll be more sucessful in these negotiations, especially if a mediator is involved. The circumstances clearly favor me, but it could tip the other way if I succumb to anger and bitterness.

I heard from the wife over the weekend - and I do know where she is, staying with a friend of ours. She sent me some work files I need and a note about the phone bill. She was polite, and so was I.

On the legal advisor's suggestion, I sent the wife a note asking her how she would like to proceed with a plan for expenses. I offered the option of me sending her the household bills for "review and payment." Another option is meeting with a mediator to work out a system.

it sounds like you are willing to accept her (continuing??) infidelity for financial reasons. is that accurate?

your counselors advice is exactly opposite of the "standard" advice for a jfo.

the affair is probably ongoing. nc hasnt been established. you havent laid out your boundaries. she has zero remorse. mc is being looked at despite mc being (usually) very poor at ending affairs and both people need to be all in for it to work. you dont confront her lest it upset the apple cart.

is this the type of marriage you want?

if not ... if you want to have a chance tosave the marriage then you need to be prepared to risk it.

you are making it harder to force her off the fence and ending her A the longer you ignore it. ignoring it is accepting it. do you accept your wife having an affair?

The best strategy is dependent on one's goals with consideration given to the opportunities/risks/constraints of the specific situation.

Right now it seems like you are coming to terms with eventual dissolution and are managing your own feelings in a strategic way and actively learning ways to control them using some sort of IC. If this is correct then you are doing fine. Given that your advisor is not a divorce attorney, however, it would be prudent to educate yourself on what alternative strategies are available to you should it become acrimonious.

I would listen what william wrote.

Reconciliation is absolutely out of the table as long as she is not remorseful. You can't save your marriage is she doesn't want to. It takes two to tango and she is dancing it with another person.

Four days without reaching you suggest that she is getting all the attention she needs from biker boy and she doesn't give a s**t about you.

MC is a waste of time in her state of mind. I would cancel it or wouldn't go.

PS. They "not taking sids" is pure cowards bs, if you ask me. There is ritght and there is wrong. The side you take shows the kind of person you are. You can't stay in the middle in a situation like this. I'm sorry for you man. Stay strong and take care of yourself.

I'm looking into seeing an individual counselor. Unfortunately the guy I saw a few years ago is retiring. He made some recommendations. But of course they are not in my insurance "network," which would mean paying out of pocket and running the maze the insurance co makes you run if you dare to go out of network.

My legal advisor had me send the wife a note asking for response, and suggesting that if I don't get one, I will be forced to hire an attorney. That would mean I'd seek a Limited Divorce, which in this state is the same as a legal separation. That would set up a formal financial distribution.

Am I only hanging on for financial reasons? No. And the idea of hanging on (reconciliation) is fading.

I've stated boundaries as is currently realisttic. And she's taking it pretty hard. I think the boundaries William is talking about have to do with both of us working toward reconciliation. That's not happening, so what's the point of saying "no more contact with Bike Boy, open your phone to me for daily inspection, etc."

She's moved out and I'm not the boss of her. I'm not going to humiliate myself by trying to assert boundaries she can just laugh at.

She's moved out and I'm not the boss of her. I'm not going to humiliate myself by trying to assert boundaries she can just laugh at.

Good for you. It sounds like she's made it clear she's moving on. And sounds like you are starting to accept that and taking care of yourself.

I hope for peace and a smooth transition to a better life for you.

Two thumbs up, BB! You are doing great! Love your attitude and plan.