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Glad to see you've done the right thing. She'll try and rewrite your marital history now.

It's what cheaters do. Better warn the kids. You'll also get the you invaded my privacy to cheat. It was none of anyone's business, etc.

Exposure is your best weapon whether the marriage survives or not.

I don't understand why BS's try and help hide the affair?

[This message edited by Marc878 at 9:41 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)]

Careful. As soon as she knows how you're getting your info, she'll start communicating with him another way.

I didn't have to show her a lot, just some of the jucier quotes - as she passed them off. Oh, it was just talking, there was nothing physical. I explained what an "emotional affair" is. She ignored it. Anyway, ok so she had formed an attachment, big deal, that was not the main issue. The main issue was her unhappiness with our relationship.

I pointed out that she had not tried to talk about it and just walked out. "I will always regret the no warning part." she said.

She was not taking any of my points about how affairs muddle your thinking.

We ended up with a general discussion of what will happen to the house. Nice depressing subject. I said I want to keep it, but I don't know how on earth we can set that up.

Sorry to hear that BB. Perhaps you can change her homepage on all of her devices to the google search results for "emotional affair"

best of luck

::hugs::

BeeBee, don't take it personally what she says. Her major problem is not your relationships, but the fact that by the age of 65 she did not learn to be an adult. Her fears of becoming old and selfish pleasure seeking behavior are her major problems. Along with her lies that stem from her fears. So don't take it personally.

Hope you will shut down you computer/phone and get some sleep – the best thing you can do right now.

[This message edited by wordsofwisdom at 11:12 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)]

You're wasting your time talking. She's in la la land.

IMO. Separate all your finances immediately and cut off all joint credit cards. You can't trust her. Protect yourself.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:20 PM, August 23rd (Tuesday)]

So, are there any online Afairs 101 articles that I show the (adult) kids?

I'd say Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is pretty definitive about the topic, hilighting very early on how any situation where walls are put up between spouses, and intimacy of any kind is shared with someone outside the relationship is an affair. It should be essential reading for anyone looking to affair proof their marriage.

Yes the infamous " I was so unhappy ,but I never let you know" excuse. My wife used that one. Like the other party has some type of esp or something. Marriage is hard work . Working thru the issues is just part of growing as a couple. Acting out and having an affair is just a cop out excuse.

Time to seperate your finances and get your ducks in a row. I would move your money to a seperate account , cancel any cards with her name on them and file. If she pulls her head out of her ass you can stop the divorce, if not it just keeps going forward. Telling your kids yourself was the right thing to do. Now they see things in the true light.

She: wants to return home after Rehab as soon as next weekend, has option to stay another week. Has objective of permanent separation and divorce. Had not anticipated financial and legal issues this brings up. She wants to find a way to fund a separate residence and life.

Unacceptable. Unless she is coming home to reconcile, then she needs to stay in Rehab for as long as she can, because being as she has fired you from being her husband, she needs to be able to take complete care of herself, as that is not your job any more.

she needs to be able to take complete care of herself, as that is not your job any more

Absolutely. In fact, you might ask the staff to talk to her about extending her rehab in a long-term care facility (aka. nursing home)

I'd say Shirley Glass' book Not Just Friends is pretty definitive about the topic, hilighting very early on how any situation where walls are put up between spouses, and intimacy of any kind is shared with someone outside the relationship is an affair. It should be essential reading for anyone looking to affair proof their marriage.

If she is in lala land, there is no escape except to completely blow it up.

My WW was just getting into an EA and I gave her the book and made her read it. She read it from cover to cover.

She thought that she would be stronger than to slip into a PA.

She was wrong.

She proceeded to take my family and I in a trip to hell for the next year. I'm still working my way out two years later. If she is addicted to the way he makes her feel ("new" "attractive" "amazing" "sexy") then no logic or book will pull her out. My wife read the book then convinced herself it did not apply to her. And then all of the horrible things described in the book transpired over the next 12 months. It was almost as if she decided, "That's not me and I'm impervious." and then threw herself off the cliff.

Your wife is throwing herself off the cliff.

I want to tell you now, it is far better that she just move in with biker boy for a year and come back than to take the affair underground like my wife did. We went to IC, MC, vacations, romantic weekends... All the while she was fucking him.

Do yourself a favor and file. Let her crash and burn and if she can get her bearings again, come back sadder but wiser, if you will have her.

At least she would be honest, which is far far better that being demonized, blameshifted, and gaslighted.

Good luck BB.

Hello again.

I crashed and burned a few nights ago. Fortunately my kids were there for me - on the phone, I mean.

She's now wrangling about her laptop and money. She removed $1500 from checking, leaving not quite enough to cover a big check that came in right after. I pestered her with reality doses - all the automatic payments and upcoming expenses until she put around half that amount back. Now negotiating to get the rest.

_I_ pulled funds out of the ch account and the savings account to put them safely out of her reach. Of course she doesn't see it that way. So when I put funds back in checking to cover the big check, she promptly did "the same" to me.

I called mediators/lawyers to get a sense of what's involved. Scary expensive stuff.

She was reeeeeeelly mad with me when my son called her and vented his anger. She had lied to his face about having an affair.

All my fault for manipulating the kids. And I should just share my OWN information, not tell stories about other people.

Sheesh. My own information is the trauma caused by what other people did. So, how do I leave that out? That's not a question I posed, On advice, I am not engaging, only discussing money and other arrangements.

She removed $1500 from checking, leaving not quite enough to cover a big check that came in right after.

Isn't that considered theft.

Separate all finances now, close all joint accounts now.

She is losing it. She wants you to pay for her partying, she wants you to pay for her to live alone and have fun.

Tell bike boy to pay for everything.

She is losing it because she has now lost her ability to lie to you like she has all of these years.

She was reeeeeeelly mad with me when my son called her and vented his anger. She had lied to his face about having an affair.

All my fault for manipulating the kids. And I should just share my OWN information, not tell stories about other people.

Cheater script - they all do this after exposure.

Translation: I must have privacy to cheat and you should help hide the affair????

I think Craig is right. You need to spit the money and open new accounts.

I am sorry its turned this way but its not looking good.

C

She is losing control of her plan to live well on your dime. Please keep a VAR on you at all times. Desperation can lead to terrible decisions and she may create a huge problem for you.

But, it's not my dime. Our main source of income is her pension. I'm trying to get a business off the ground, my old one withered in the economy and has suffered from technology-driven changes in the market. She worked for the government so she always had better income. It's a reversal of the more traditional gender roles.

If we split that evenly, I'm in a bad way. We used most of it to support household and normal living expenses.

But, the way I see it, until we come to an arrangement, it is still a kind of theft if she starts using that money to support her separation instead of household expenses.

I do have investments, but in today's low-interest markets the dividends would not make up for the loss of her pension. But, a large percentage of the investments would be considered marital property. Another potential disaster. If I have to liquidate to split it, we'll lose a huge chunk of it to capital gains tax.

What SHOULD I tell other people, especially those that are not my closest friends? And if I only tell my closest friends, there's the certainty that it's going to go beyond them. I don't want to hide the truth, I don't want to let her get away with her sanitized version of why she's leaving, but I don't want everyone to know. I guess, that's the price to pay?

You will work out a plan and come to terms with it. Yes it will cost and that sucks.

Since you are going to spit, it's to your advantage you haven't exposed. Remember she doesn't want your evidence coming out either. It might be worth $omething. It's a card that can only be played once. Might not even need to be played at all, it's presence alone has weight. Good luck!

I think you should stop presenting this as an "emotional affair."

This is an affair. Period.

And you need to be tested for stds.

They've had sex.

I would tell others who may ask why you are splitting "I didn't like her boyfriend." That pretty much shuts them up!