SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

boundaries are also - she can have a boyfriend. but if she does you wont remain her husband. you wont agree tob share your wife.

Even though the checking account issue was fixed for now, I'm not doing so well this weekend. This process is more of a roller-coaster than a steady rise. The last few days it's been hard to get up our of bed, out of the chair, even out of the car.

Also hard to work and to do the things that make me feel better: get outside, get some exercise, get something around the house or yard done.

I woke up this morning at 8:30 (also 3:30 and 5:00), but here it is 10: 18 am and I haven't even got to my morning exercises/stretching and breakfast.

This is going to be a miserable holiday season over the next three months.

Oh, duh, this is 9/11. I always feel down on this day anyway.

Hang in there BB.

Sometimes you just have to force yourself outside for a walk, anything. Don't allow yourself to sit and wallow.

BB, my story parallels yours in many ways. I hope in the D, you get a fair distribution of income. Your marriage was a years-long partnership.

My ex tried being nasty and re-writing our history many times. Fortunately, my kids know better. The last time she ever tried doing it when in my presence, I only responded with, "Well, I remember I loved you deeply." She completely lost it and started bawling. She almost always sheds tears when she sees me (which is thankfully rare now), and I usually just say nothing and keep things business.

I promise you, though, in the beginning of our separation, the nastiness and bloated need for control was the same as you're experiencing. Loads of blame-shifting, projecting and just outright meanness from someone I'd never known to be mean.

I feel ya, man. Wish you the best.

I suggest you go ahead and hire an attorney, now - no more legal advisor friend stuff. Other posters have questioned your friend's advice in that you should likely be more proactive, not wait to be served????

Of course you are going to have to hire a proper attorney, why wouldn't you?

That will both protect your interests and reduce your stress loads - having to write quasi-legal letters to your STBXW is the job of an attorney, not you.

Sit back relax a bit, let a professional work this end of the deal.

Good Luck!!

Hello again. Been a few days.

I've been ok, I've been regaining eqilibrium. It goes back to feeling lousy - anxiety, sleeplessness, brain "buzzing, - when I have to deal with the wife or think about her. It's difficult because money issues keep coming up. Also, she came to the house to pick up some personal items.

We were civil, but I was a wreck the day and night before and it took me two days to recover.

I had a get-together with a friend, a 30-year-old who caught her husband in a big lie. Not an affair, but he'd been using her money to pay his tuition for his masters degree. He supposedly was flying out to Arizona to finish it, meet with his advisor, and so forth. But, there were strange delays and avoidances, and periods of long silence when he went out there. Turned out he had not met with his advisor or finished his thesis - he'd been drinking.

She happened to look in his bureau at home and found empty liquor bottles. She'd spent $10,000 on him for tuition and travel.

It's a long story how she and his family got him to return from Ariz, but when he returned he found himself not returning to his home but to his parent's. He's no longer welcome, and the wife is seeing a lawyer. At 30, she's in a better position than I am to start over with someone else and have a long relationship. However, she wants children, in which case she's got about 10 years.

That story and another recent story here on the site by a wife who discovered her husband cheating. She's totally cut him off. He's out of her life.

This makes me think I've been too forgiving and willing to compromise. Too damn wimpy.

I think I need to stop being the nice guy (my usual mode), tap my anger (without losing control), get her out of my life and make sure she - not me- is shouldering the financial burden and responsibility for HER mistake.

[This message edited by BeeBee64 at 11:14 AM, September 23rd (Friday)]

"This makes me think I've been too forgiving and willing to compromise. Too damn wimpy."

"I think I need to stop being the nice guy (my usual mode), tap my anger (without losing control), get her out of my life and make sure she - not me- is shouldering the financial burden and responsibility for HER mistake."

Hallellujah! YOu finally see the ligth. Now man up and do what has to be done without wasting more time. In the divorce process the one who fills first gets the advantage.

I was talking to a friend - she has maybe the worst infidelity story I've ever heard - about those times "the penny drops" When you remember something that happened in the past, but now you know about the cheating, suddenly you realize what was really going on - or might have been doing on.

LIke the time I found an unfamiliar pair of underwear in the laundry. "Oh, I bought those for you," she said at the time.

And I thought that was a bit odd, but accepted it. Yesterday it popped into my mind. And, now I'm thinking underwear doesn't come singly. It is sold in packs of several pairs.

And how about that recent time we made love and she did a sex act nor previously in her repetoire. It was a pleasant surprise at the time, now I'm wondering "where did she learn THAT?"

[This message edited by BeeBee64 at 11:14 PM, October 2nd (Sunday)]

BB64 I hear you. I thought I was the only one with that experience. Two things popped into my consciousness in the last month from several years ago.

One was a gasoline credit card charge from a town almost two hours away. I remember at the time it jumped out at me when I paid the bill since it was an area we would never go to. It was explained as probably the billing address for a local chain of gas stations.

The other was going to an evening local monthly board of directors meeting. No mention of going when I got home from work, no mention at dinner time, no mention as the kids were being put down for bed. Just left saying there was an issue on the agenda. It was the manner of no notice that struck me at the time. I explained it away to myself as having been told previously but forgotten, or just the result of a super busy household.

BB, I'm sorry that you are going through this. It does sound like you are making progress in your acceptance that the marriage is over.

It's amazing all of the things we can look back and see once our rose colored glasses get smashed. It sounds like your WW's "retirement aged crisis" has been going on for many, many years. Sounds more like a lifelong failure to ever grow up out of her petty teenage selfishness to me. Maybe she learned it from her mother. Maybe she's just a selfish person to the core.

I'm not going to agree that you have been "too damn wimpy" though. Now that the gloves are off, I would go after the full amount of spousal support that you are entitled to from her. She wants to play, let her pay the full price of that ticket. Heck, let the OM support her for all I care. Since they are sooo in "lurve" and all. That and he has such a great job as a bike delivery boy. We'll see how long their romance lasts now that she can't bike anymore and is going to "get old." I'm sure it's only going to be a matter of time before he dumps her for someone more healthy and able to actually share his biking passion.

Furious1, thanks!

I wish the outcome could be that satisfying, but she's back on her bike - she says our GP told her he wasn't worried too much about her re-injuring herself while on blood-thinners. So, she's jumped back into it. One annoying thing about her is her ability to heal and get over illnesses quickly - she's classic "pioneer stock." Unfortunately it makes her contempuous of people who don't heal or get over sickness as quickly as she does - people like me.

My son reports that he gets little messages from her, which he characterizes as "Facebook updates." They annoy him greatly, he says, and he has not responded. This is not the time or situation for small talk, he says. The gist of the notes is that she's enjoying this new phase of life. He's struggling with whether to communicate with her or not. He's really pissed with her for lying to him, and he thinks she's living in a dream world.

I have no idea if bike-boy is on the scene or not. The friend she's staying with is a friend of mine, too. I can't see the friend allowing her home to be used as a trysting place. I've been checking the phone records periodically, and I don't see a large number of calls to any suspicious numbers.

I'm not sure I want to know what's going on. I'm not even checking her Facebook page (I've unfriended her). As I said above, I'm remembering incidents or at least opportunities they had to get together, or - in retrospect - suspicious activities.

I"m assuming the worst.

I need to get going on finding a lawyer, I've been very busy so I haven't had time to do that. I have to bug my lawyer friend to send me the recommendations she said she had. If she doesn't come through, I have some others.

Everything is bearable when the sun is out, but when evening comes on, and especially at night, it drags me down.

"I haven't had time to see a lawyer" is bad, and likely untrue.

In your case, it's like saying you shit your pants because you had too many things to do to get to the toilet.

In other words, you need to protect yourself. To survive infidelity means to act.

Wonderpets, that strikes me as a bit judgemental.

One annoying thing about her is her ability to heal and get over illnesses quickly - she's classic "pioneer stock." Unfortunately it makes her contempuous of people who don't heal or get over sickness as quickly as she does - people like me.

BeeBee, from what you have posted in this thread, I have to agree with Furious1's view of your wife. It seems like the selfish/entitled/superior undertones(or overtones in some instances) are part of her general character. In my opinion, it made cheating that much more of a possibility.

Would you consider her a narcissist? I'm not saying that she wasn't a good partner for many years of your marriage; it just seems that maybe her needs always came first---whether you provided them, or she sought them out herself.

Jb, I'm not sure what the definition of "narcisist" is these days, But, I can tell you that a counselor I went to a few years ago handed me a book "Stop Walking on Egglshells" for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't think she was BPD, she did not fit some of the important definitions, but the advice in the book was very useful and when enacted had a positive effect (eventually).

In a nutshell, my new response to criticisms or complaints was "that's who I am, that's what I do, I'm not going to change or apologize." It infuriated her at first.

At her core, she is insecure. Many times she hears what I say to her or do as "I don't love you anymore." She's at odds with her brothers and other family members because they don't follow the script she expects them to. Sister-in-law didn't write a thank-you note for the X-mas present? One brother visited the other brother, but didn't stop by to visit her? She/he hates me. And all their interactions after that fit her assumptions. So, it builds and builds.

Unfortunately she does not know herself very well, nor is she interested in finding out.

The only counselor she's liked is one who doesn't do much self-exploration. She follows of some German guy whose name I forget, whose philosophy amounts to "transcend the pain" rather than understand it. The sessions with her were very frustrating to me.

Wow. That sounds very self destructive of her. At 65 I wonder if she ever will realize that though. Speaking for myself, BeeBee64, I don't know if I could ever spend the rest of my life suffering from such a stubborn and entitled individual. It's one thing to have to struggle over remaining in such a relationship with someone like her without infidelity being involved, but in your case WITH infidelity being a factor I would say she gave you a very reasonable and understandable "get out of jail free" card and I think everyone would understand. That being said, if she did come back and wanted to R and you were still considering it, what are the odds she would change that personality of hers? BPD or not, you know that personality needs to change and the chances of that are pretty much your answer as to how it will go.

Now, I'm digging all the way back to your initial post -

Then around 15 years ago, she got infatuated with a guy she thought was so superior to me.

She did this before and didn't change from that experience as it appears and as "past performance predicts future behavior" you now see this come full circle. This time it seems her entitlement was even more cemented with this recent affair. I bet she is going to resent you anyway forward so might as well do as Furious1 suggests and go for full spousal support. Might as well get comped for giving her a second chance.

Everything is bearable when the sun is out, but when evening comes on, and especially at night, it drags me down.

God, I remembered that in my own past ordeal. Those nights were suffocating with anxiety. I do remember that once I decided I was going to be happy again, without or without my WW, it really got better for me. It was easier to envision the future and it was easier to look forward to tomorrow.

The only counselor she's liked is one who doesn't do much self-exploration. She follows of some German guy whose name I forget, whose philosophy amounts to "transcend the pain" rather than understand it. The sessions with her were very frustrating to me.

My XW is the type that doesn't like to be called out on her own shit, but will be best friends with anyone who is willing to validate her shitty behavior (including me in the past). Sounds like a narc, and quacks like a narc.

But, I can tell you that a counselor I went to a few years ago handed me a book "Stop Walking on Egglshells" for dealing with people with Borderline Personality Disorder. I don't think she was BPD, she did not fit some of the important definitions, but the advice in the book was very useful and when enacted had a positive effect (eventually).

She's at odds with her brothers and other family members because they don't follow the script she expects them to. Sister-in-law didn't write a thank-you note for the X-mas present? One brother visited the other brother, but didn't stop by to visit her? She/he hates me. And all their interactions after that fit her assumptions. So, it builds and builds.

That is right in line with how someone with BPD thinks. You don't have to have all of the symptoms to have BPD and they can manifest themselves in various ways. You can also be borderline BPD just like someone is a borderline narcissist or borderline sociopath where you have a lot of the symptoms but not severely enough as people with the full diagnosis. People I've known with it over the years show certain symptoms to varying degrees such as the lack of solid identity symptom. One makes radical identity/personality changes every year or two and others seem to have a more consistent identity/personality at least for several years at a time. Their other symptoms though are far more extreme. Plus, there's different kind of people with BPD such as the high and low functioning types that come from it. I'm not sure if your book really broke this down for you as others I have read have to allow you to understand the differences.

BPD is not so clear cut as ticking off every box however it says a lot that your counselor, a trained professional, believed her to have BPD and that she does show some of the key symptoms such as the one above. Normal people just don't assume that someone hates them because of one little thing. Researchers of BPD tend to think that that symptom in particular has to do with object permanence and someone who has BPD's lack of it. As in, she can't imagine that her sister or brother's love for her as a permanent thing so she assumes every little slight is evidence of it not existing. People without BPD simply don't have this issue. They have no problems with object permanence.

Sister-in-law didn't write a thank-you note for the X-mas present? One brother visited the other brother, but didn't stop by to visit her? She/he hates me.

I had a coworker who had these traits. She was/is very self-centered, and it does not take long for virtually any conversation to eventually revolve around her. Like your WW, she also is very insecure at her core, and in my opinion, does not want to dig deep on her own issues.

I don't have any answers; it was just your quote above stood out.

I"m assuming the worst.

I need to get going on finding a lawyer, I've been very busy so I haven't had time to do that. I have to bug my lawyer friend to send me the recommendations she said she had. If she doesn't come through, I have some others.

Gently, taking even the small step of having a consultation with a couple of attorneys will start to give you a measure of control.

No one wants you to remain in limbo very long. Her actions are like acid and the longer it goes on the more corrosive it becomes to your psyche.