SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi TOC,

I've spent the past 2 days reading your thread, and I'm awed by your grace (courage under pressure).

Perhaps because I've read the thread in two sittings, and all is fresh in mind, I have begun to wonder if your STBX has not had other affairs. The utter banality, the casualness of this affair plus his expectations of how you would behave upon its revelation have my gut thinking this is not his first. Maybe not with you, but his reactions, letters, and expectations of how things would go make me wonder. Of course this is a common side effect of affairs. Once trust breaks, everything becomes suspect. Regardless, from my perspective, he is manipulative.

It's pretty obvious your STBX didn't expect or want to lose his marriage, yet he was willing to gamble you away. Getting caught by Bob didn't stop him. Actually I find it particularly egregious that he was seen with OW by Bob, even acknowledged way back at the beginning of this thread he knew he'd been caught, and still had sex with her that night. Supposedly for the first time, which I sincerely doubt. And if it was the first time, it's all the more disturbing. Talk about the perfect opportunity to slam the brakes on an incipient affair. This was an Oh Shit! moment, if there ever was one. And now he claims he lied/denied to himself (a recurring theme) that Bob had seen what he'd seen? In light of Bob asking if he'd ended IT yet, he knew otherwise. You saw one text. Just how many prior conversations were there with Bob, really, before his affair was reduced to "IT"?

At the moment he's throwing words, actions, choices at the wall of you to see what sticks. The post-nup offer, the buying a house for you, stating he didn't spend (much) money or buy jewelry for the OW, flowers, excuses, etc, it appears to me money is more important to him than it is to you. It reads as though he is trying to buy you back. Somehow, he has completely missed you value loyalty and fidelity and authenticity more than (his) money.

This has gotten much longer than I intended, so I should get to what prompted me to post. The OW. Her efforts to get either of you to engage are escalating, and I am deeply concerned she will soon know where you live. You may have forgotten or not considered that whenever you forward your mail via change of address, the USPO will notify anyone who sends first class mail of your new address. Please be wary, be careful. This is how a stalker found me.

You're doing very well. Be strong; stay strong.

Hi, TOC

I've been following your story since the beginning and just wanted to let you know what an inspiration you are. I wish I had your balls!

I have lived vicariously through your story, wishing I would have handled things the same way you did in the first few weeks after D Day.

As far as Mona Leasha, she is definitely obsessed with you. It drives her crazy that you aren't responding to her at all. She WANTS the drama because it means she is in the loop. She is obviously immature with zero moral compass. I also agree with the other posters that you shouldn't pay her. Fuck her! If anyone should pay her for "services rendered", it should be your STBXH.

It sounds like your STBXH is getting desperate. He is trying everything at this point to get you back. He must have realized just how far he affaired down and boy howdy did he affair down. Don't they all, though? They need the desperate ones to give them the ego kibbles.

I agree with others who suggested that this was a desperate attempt to make contact with WH/ you. She has no idea what's going and both you and your WH are ignoring her and it's eating her up. She's doing anything and everything to get/ provoke a response at this point.

I would be sooo tempted to use that invoice to pick up after your dog, then mail that waste covered invoice back to the little slunt.

She's got some nerve. Please rethink that Yelp review.

[This message edited by GabyBaby at 4:49 AM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

"Dear TOC,

I changed only the names.

Sounds like resignation. He gets it. He's sorry. He knows he blew it and he knows you are moving on. There it is all packed perfectly in a box with a pretty ribbon on top. Now put it on the shelf and keep going.

Not stopping. Just sharing the ride to the end with all those who have helped me along the way.

TOC, that was heartbreaking for me to read - God knows what it did to you. I honestly do believe that he isn't a serial adulterer. I think he broke his own heart when he broke yours. What a waste it all is. And all for what? Some ego kibbles and cheap sex from a fake boobied shit shoveller. It's so sad.

TOC I wish you healing as you go forward. (Hugs)

I dunno. Oddly, I had more sympathy for the guy before the crocodile tears.

How noble, right? The angst, the human frailty, the fond memories, and the harsh light of regret...

Maybe I'm just in a funk today, but it all sounds a bit too much like a bid for sympathy.

"As I lie here with a broken body and heart..."

I don't think I'd bother to respond to his super-noble act of "letting you go". Hell, you could be kicking for the Dallas Cowboys by how far you punted him after DDay... but he's "letting you go"? What a crock.

He was an idiot, but he was an idiot who loved/ loves you very much. It sucks that it came to this.

I know it's instinctive here, to find fault with everything, but to me this letter sounds sincere. People may intrepret parts of it as selfish but there's no guide to getting it just right. Besides, it doesn't matter what we think of it, it only matters what you think. I hope it provides you some closure.

[This message edited by Ilovejoe at 7:56 AM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

Maybe I shouldn't have shared his letter. Not sure. What I didn't want to do was hold onto it, keep it to myself, and make something "special" out of it. I symbolically released it out into the world to just let it go.

What I don't think it is is shallow, a pity party or meant to make him feel better. What I don't want to have to do is actually defend him but I do think he finally gets it.

And I'll just leave it at that.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 8:08 AM, November 15th (Tuesday)]

What I didn't want to do was hold onto it, keep it to myself, and make something "special" out of it. I symbolically released it out into the world to just let it go.

I agree and I think it was a good idea. It may not be closure on why the A happened, but it is a goodbye and acknowledgement that not everything was bad and/or a lie. Your last 8 years were not wasted, file him under a memory. Now, face forward and move on.

TOC,

First, qualifiers for what I am about to say. Been watching since the beginning and you have handled this dog shit sandwich about as best as it can be handled. Humor, grace, dignity, anger when necessary and a resolve I wish I could muster. You decided what you wanted and just kept moving towards that target. You are an inspiration. That's awesome. I am in no way advocating nor suggesting you do anything other than what it is YOU chose to do. Everyone goes through this in their own way.

With that said, I would just like to say that I think I might be a little jealous!! You have received MORE expressions of guilt and remorse from your WS than a lot of us BS here get. We can all sit here and pick him apart for the ways he handled these expressions and they are many. But he made an effort that to me, at least, seems sincere. Were some selfish? Of course. Were they shortsighted? Absolutely. Selfish and shortsighted can be worked on. Initiative, the desire by the WS to DO SOMETHING, cannot. But THEY WERE SOMETHING, and that to me is the point.

I would've killed for an email or text like the ones you got. Loved for any type of gesture no matter how small, that showed my WW was at least somewhat in tune with what I was going through. Been floored by any expression of remorse that was initiated from start to finish by my WW. What I got was "I'm sorry, too" after I acknowledged my failings in our M prior to the A. What I got was "you know everything" when asking for a timeline of events then learning other more heartbreaking, soul crushing details later on. What I got was reading all sorts of things she WROTE about him, but me? I get the blank page.

So in the spirit of Thanksgiving, regardless of how this ultimately ends up for you (I think we all know), be thankful you got more than a lot of us did. He ruined your marriage and betrayed you in the most painful way and that is inexcusable on every level. Just know there are BS's out here that didn't get anything near what your WH has offered, however imperfect it may be. I know it doesn't take away the pain, but maybe with this perspective, it can provide at least some measure of comfort that many of us never got.

Peace.

I don't understand the wayward mindset. Maybe only wayward's do. I just wish he could have cared more about what he stood to lose BEFORE he messed everything up. Before he got caught by Bob and still refused to end it. Before the misdirected email that tore your world apart. While he was screwing his mistress while planning a wonderful vacation with you. If your life is "perfect and charmed" why do this? I know this is a rhetorical question with no answer. But I still wish I understood.

undertherug, if you figure that out, can you let me know? Pretty sure I'll never know. It only helps me in knowing that I wasn't crazy and things were pretty great all along.

treborwi, that's a pretty great note. Thank you. My emotions have run the gamut, yet again, after getting his letter. The whole shebang. Pissed when I saw it in my inbox (with no subject line). Suspicious as I read it. Sad when I was done with it. Perplexed as I pondered it. Protective when I read some replies.

What I was not was thankful in anyway. Not until I read your post. I will surely take that away from all of this. There is something to be thankful about. And somehow that helps.

Thank you!

I usually just read here. I think are strong and admirable and I am sorry for what you are going through. Even if you are strong you are still hurting and I am so sorry. I think the letter from your STBX seems genuine. It doesn’t mean it changes things or you need to reconcile but it can still be genuine. He can still be human and you can still find some comfort in his honest words. I think you are a mature woman and I love that you can see the good in his words without letting them sway your decision. Life isn’t black and white and he isn’t a subhuman villain character. This is real and imperfect life and I am glad he took a moment to be genuine with you. You deserve that.

I am so glad that your WH gave you closure. In this letter to me he acknowledged that you two had an amazing marriage. He acknowledged that he was the one to ruin that. He didn't blame you in any way. He told you that he realised that you were the best thing that ever happened to him and he apologised for hurting you.

I found myself wishing with him that he had never hurt you and stolen your happily ever after. Reading this must have broken your heart all over again.I hope after the pain clears a little it gives you closure. You deserve to have peace.

I think his letter is sincere and I will not pick it apart. I think he does know what he did and I think he will regret it for a very long time. As Stubbonft said a lot of BS's here wished we had been given at least a fraction of what he said in his closing letter to you. I kept thinking the whole time I read it that it is such a shame and I had tears in my eyes when I finished.

I also hope that it does give you some closure to know that he truly regrets what he did and the hurt it caused you. Why some WS's don't realize that before they cheat never makes sense when they were in a happy marriage to begin with and have so much to lose. I guess the quote, "you don't know what you've got until it's gone" was spoken by a remorseful WS. (((HUGS)))

That letter was so painful to read. I'm one who thinks he does "get it" and is truly remorseful. His pain is evident. It brought tears to my eyes, and a mantra in my head of "what a colossal waste..."

His letters should be pinned to the top of the Wayward forum as a PSA to all potential waywards who haven't quite crossed that line, yet.

Hugs, TOC. You're doing splendidly.