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I agree with Craig. Your wife is in control of the situation. She clearly doesn't want to deal with the fallout. Well guess what? Too late for that. Desert , you need to take control of the situation and don't allow your wife to waffle. The more time that passes the worse it will Get. Right now you are in limbo land. 26 pages and still you haven't gone to HR.

I agree. 1.5 months since dday and the only thing that has happened is we read a bunch of books and started MC. It needs to change. It will.

Desert the reality is there are consequences from her actions . That's just the way it is. And she needs to be able to put in a ton of hard work if there is any chance at R. R is really hard , but if the WS isn't willing to do it ,it will never work. Going to HR is just the beginning .

I agree completely. The only consequence may be what happens when she goes to HR. I don't care about all of that. I just want to move and HR/Quitting is the first step. It's been 1.5 months since I found out and another 3 months for her (the length of A) to figure out what she wanted to do. It's time. I'm not guaranteeing her that R will work ultimately. Just that this needs to happen for me to even try.

Stick to your guns on the HR/quit situation.

Have you given thought to what will happen if HR doesn't fire either of them and she still works with him? Maybe not for him ,but still with him?

I really really doubt that will happen, but I honestly havent given it any thought.

BS replies only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:58 PM, November 13th (Sunday)]

I really really doubt that will happen, but I honestly havent given it any thought.

It is always best to take it one step at a time and then go from there.

But at this point, you have not taken any steps.

How are you feeling today, DM?

I've kept up with your story DM. 27 pages and no HR yet? Your are just torturing yourself!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 5:18 AM, November 10th (Thursday)]

Feeling like shit. MC recommended that she take her time with how she wants to tell HR so if things go badly, she wont resent me later... Shes had 1.5 months to figure it out.

I dont even know if i care anymore. I'm spending more energy these past few days on whether to just D and find someone better.

As you pointed out..she's had nearly two months to decide.

What about your resentment of her,for the affair, and now needing more time to decide to do the right thing to protect her marriage?

Why are her feelings more important than yours?

The MC can recommend anything she wants...the decision is up to your wife. She can choose to act now. And, a truly remorseful WS would not resent their BS for the consequences of their actions. If she wants to protect the marriage, and your heart, she shouldn't need anymore time.

DM, I'm not feeling very generous today so I am just going to say this once...

Walk. The. Fuck. Away.

We can talk about the benefits of that later.

MC recommended that she take her time with how she wants to tell HR so if things go badly, she wont resent me later...

MC is just what it says it is. The goal is to stay married, period. If that’s the only goal then I would be saying things just like your MC. The BS has the power. It’s like they have a magic wand that they can wave and fix everything. They’re the bad guy if they don’t.

The WS has power during their affair. After the affair all the real power goes to the BS because they can eat a shit sandwich and fix everything.

The shortest path to saving the marriage is through the BS. The MC’s job is to convince the BS to eat the sandwich. They tell the BS various ways and techniques to make the sandwich more palatable. Pinch your nose, think of something else, don’t dwell on what it is, etc.

That’s why you do individual counselling (IC) first. Take care of yourself. What do YOU want? Once you decide that you don’t want to D and give saving the marriage a try then MC can be great.

Also offering MC right out of the gate sends the wrong message. It tells the WS that what they did must not have been so bad. They can do anything and divorce was never an option for their BS. It's like having a teenage kid that knows that they will never be kicked out of dad's house no matter what they do.

Divorce needs to be on the table at some point.

[This message edited by Graywolf at 10:02 AM, November 10th (Thursday)]

DM:

You won't know if you wife is worthy of reconciliation or not until you stop carrying her.

When someone plays tug of war with your emotions, the best thing you can do is drop the rope.

Schedule a consult with an attorney so you clearly know where you stand.

"Wife, it is clear you have little interest in what I have clearly stated I need from you to reconcile. I want you to know that I accept your decision to end our marriage, and will be consulting with an attorney on x day. Please start thinking about how you want to divide things so we can reach a fair settlement."

She will likely want to engage. At that time, hold your hand up and shake your head.

"The time for talk is long past. Only actions matter now."

DM, until you are willing to lose her, you will find ZERO resolution to your situation. This will result in her continuing to do the things that hurt you, you continuing to be hurt, and you loathing yourself for not putting your foot down when you know you should.

I need her to quit or go to HR. That is what I need right now. I dont know what to do when MC is telling to not rush and to take her time. I just can't deal with hearing about OM comforting her at work and whatnot. It's not working. You guys are right. I am and have been a pussy about this. I really am trying to be respectful of her even though she had 0 for me, because it's hard for her too, but I cant do this anymore. Something has to change.

1. Find a new MC, someone with a good handle on infidelity. Check this thread - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 .

2. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's available free online. Stop being a nice guy (I'm saying this as someone who was a poster child for Nice Guys).

3. Tell her that given her inaction in the last 1.5 month, you're uncertain whether to even try to R with her anymore, so no more promises to her. If she wants a chance at having another chance (what would that be, chance # 12532?), she either has to quit or tell HR by tomorrow (Friday). And that even it that case you don't know how you'll handle the further damage her (in)actions after D-Day have caused, and so that you're not making any promises that her quitting/going to HR will save the relationship.

4. Find a good IC for yourself (see above link).

5. Go see a good lawyer for yourself.

6. Keep talking to us. We're here for you. Also check out "Betrayed menz" in the "I can relate" subforum.

Best wishes

Something does indeed need to change:

YOU

Very few things hurt as much as infidelity. What makes the situation exponentially worse is when, in the face of infidelity, we also set aside our self respect.

How can she possibly respect you when you do not respect yourself, DM?

Desert, you have got to stop letting her drive the healing bus.

She is going to drag her feet and not tell HR until you serve her with D papers and even then she probably just cower and say it is for the better and still not tell HR. Because SHE DOESN'T WANT TO!

She will find any other excuse to delay and avoid this.

It is more shame already on top of all the shame. But guess what SHE DID THIS, and for you to have any chance you need to ensure NC and she needs to know and see the totality of hurt and destruction to you from her own selfish CHOICES. You know what needs to be done.

Rip this bandaid off. And get to the actual healing of the marriage and the most important work of healing you. Or just leave and D.

I know we are all here behind our keyboards typing this. But remember we have all been there because we didn't choose to join this club either.

Will part with this, once she stops avoiding this she will know more of her WHYs...... You can't get around this you have to go through this.

It seems to me she is a taker and you are a giver.

It seems you are worried, maybe even afraid, to lose her, but she is not as much to lose you.

If I cheated at work I would understand implicitly that I would have to quit. My wife cheated through a group she was involved in, she understood that must end immediately. It took a few minutes and it happened within a fee hours after me confronting.

I think anyone who cheats understands this if they want to repair the marriage, it's just that sometimes they don't love the betrayed spouse or is selfish, caring more about themselves. This is, to me, a form of cake-eating, "I get to cheat at work AND I get to stay working with the affair partner."

I tell you this to compare what remorse looks like. But I think most of us inside understand how much our spouse cares about us when we clearly communicate how we feel.

It is OK to be afraid of losing her and would rather stay together. I think some betrayed spouses want that. The problem is to think you can change her or make you care more. She is showing you in actions, though she may say some very pretty words.

I also must wonder about what you think is going on here? Saying stuff like "it's hard on her, too."? What is so hard? You are asking her to leave the job. You know what my dad whispered to me on his death bed? He said he regretted only one thing. He whispered in my ear and said, "Son, I just wish I could have spent more time at work and less time with my wife and kids." Do you believe that? Because it was a joke, no one ever says that. Your wife will have other jobs, they will discard her when they have no more value for her, but she will not find another guy like you.

You have to love yourself a little more. It is OK to sacrifice greatly for someone you love, but that is a really hollow feeling when you realize the one you sacrifice for doesn't love you, respect you, or appreciate you, and won't sacrifice AT ALL for you.

I wonder also what you think about her feelings for you and her feelings for other men and Other Man in particular. She was falling for him, she liked him enough to risk her marriage, have sex with her, and still stay in close contact - she sees him there 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. What do you think she feels about him. Do you think she dislikes him now? He is telling her how great she is and how he wants her - if a woman told you that at work, while you might refrain, what would you think of her?

I don't feel like you have a grasp of what is going on with your wife and you are setting yourself up for another fall.

If you were to just drop it - just stop bringing it up - what do you think would happen? Do you think she would go through with telling HR? Do you think she would quit? Do you think she would bring it up again?

After I confronted, I told her I could not continue if she was involved in that group where she had the affair with other man. She asked would emailing be OK to quit? I said yes, and she emailed right in front of me and that was the end of that. No argument, no waiting, no foot-dragging. In my opinion, if my wife had foot-dragged it for weeks, then finally did it after I cajoled her and nagged her, I would have quite a bit of resentment and anger. My wife knew, though, that I wouldn't wait that long.

My advice to you is to do what you want, but understand your situation and what your wife is doing. It is OK to wait, it is OK to just let it go, but don't look at that as "remorse.". Be OK with what you want and what is acceptable. I know for a fact that some guys I respect would never stay married if their wife cheated, and I know this because they actually divorced immediately. I stayed and reconciled with my wife, but I knew what was acceptable and what was not to me and I was OK with it.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 9:49 AM, November 10th (Thursday)]