Her IDK can't be the ultimate answer, because she does know, just won't admit it.
I disagree with you here. I'll explain why if you'll kindly listen.
Most people don't think too awfully deeply about what they do. They come up with a plan of action, reverse-reason some god-awful excuse on the top of it, and go ahead.
Our real "why" is usually buried much deeper than that and it takes a good, trained IC to help ferret out the real "why".
It's prob just she was bored
She's a grown-assed woman. If she is bored she has choices.
1) Leave you without telling you why.
2) Leave you after telling you why.
3) Talk about why she is bored and you two explore it together like adults. Then either come up with a plan of action to correct or decide that it is impossible to correct and split. You then both work out details, have your moments of mutual rancor, get over it, and raise the kids.
4) She has sex with someone else as an exit affair, tells you, and leaves.
5) She has sex with someone else, doesn't tell, you find out, and _something_ happens.
6) She has sex with someone else, tells you, and _something_ happens.
Options 1, 2, and 3 show increasing levels of character and integrity. Options 4 and 5 show no character, no integrity. Option 6 shows no character or integrity at first but they creep in later.
Bored is not a reason. The real question is not "why did you have sex", the _real_ question is "What made having sex an acceptable answer to you rather than being Open, Authentic, Trustworthy, and Honest about the state of our marriage as you vowed to do when we married?"
Answering _that_ question will be hard. Very hard. Then, putting a plan in place to correct that character flaw and following that plan will also be hard. That's the only way to know that she _probably_ won't do it again. And _she_ has to do _all_ of that work to prove herself an acceptable, low-risk partner to you. You _have_ to step back and stop trying so god-awful hard to protect her.
and like the attention more than our marriage at the time, but she needs to realize it and tell me.
If she "realizes" and tells you what you wrote above then you need to file D immediately. That answer virtually guarantees that it will happen again because she hasn't dug deep to find the real why and you've accepted that as okay. It is not okay.
She's got an EAP? They do a lot more than a phone call. They saved my mind many a night by just being there. They're trained counselors, on the phone, 24 hours a day. No, you don't always get the same one. But they put notes in your file and read them when you call. They're designed for on-the-spot, in-the-moment help with a particular issue.
My EAP also offers six free IC sessions per-incident per-year. So, say I poke out an eye and have trouble dealing. Six visits. Then, my wife cheats. Six more, different issue. She cheated, she gets six free IC visits, too. After those six are up the visits roll over to Health Insurance (yes, deductibles do apply).
They also do Skype-type in addition to the phone calls. The EAP can also offer lists of ICs in your area with some hint of specialty, male, female, and distance from work/home/travel path.
They also offer lawyer references similar to the immediately above mentioned list of ICs. I have not used EAP for this.
desertmirage, don't accept "bored" or "you suck" as whys. People keep their integrity and character and leave for those reasons. She must know, for her, why stepping outside the marriage was an okay decision to make.
thanks for reading. comments?
