SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's hard to watch a good guy get manipulated.

Start thinking about your wife like this: She is completely selfish and everything she does is for her best interests. Even if she gives you something for you, like an apology, it's just a manipulation to get to a certain spot in the future.

Look at your surgery as an example of infidelity. Infidelity is a wound. It will scar over, it will fade, the memory will fade, but it always will be there.

Your wound was cut open on 10/24. It is 11/5. It will not be scarring over until about 11/6 - 2018. or 2019. or 2020.

Has she even admitted to the sex yet? I chuckled at the OM's confession to his wife, how HE was the one who had to stop everything, it was all your wife. It reminds of criminals who rat each other out, who cut deals to get a reduced sentence.

The other man was your best friend. And a close cousin. You said like a little brother.

Has he called you to apologize yet? Have you talked to him?

Although there is a long road ahead. I finally got an apology from my wife.

One that actually said:

Im sorry I hurt you

Im sorry I had an affair

Im sorry it was with your close cousin

All I had before that was, I'm sorry I hurt you. But she couldnt say she was sorry that she did what she did.

I had been waiting 11 days to see some repentance in her attitude. So for me being on this roller coaster ride, the last two days have been good.

Nothing but words. Her actions will tell you what you need to know.

All cheaters lie a lot.

We were arguing last nite, as we were, she said she was kind of afraid of me, that i might snap and hurt her.......

You need to get a VAR and carry it on you at all times. Always record all interaction with her. This is to protect you in case of a false DV charge.

You can ask anyone that has ever known me, I would never raise my hand to my WS. I told her I will walk away from all of this before I would ever raise my hand toward her

Irrelevant. There are plenty of stories on SI where the BS was falsely accused of DV.

ICaughtThem is spot on in his assessment of the need for a VAR. Besides the need to carry a VAR with you at all times, you need to realize that there is probably a whole ringside circus of your WW's friends who have been giving her BAD advice on how to deal with you.

Protect yourself.

We were arguing last nite, as we were, she said she was kind of afraid of me, that i might snap and hurt her.

Okay, this is a huge red flag. She is starting to turn the tables on you, that she is the one that has been wronged.

I would advise no more talking to her without having a VAR on you at all times.

I am wondering if the affair is continuing?

Have you talked to your or her parents about this?

And like WK asked, have you talked to this cousin at all.

Once again, her words last night bother me, she is now afraid, I can see her mind already spinning stories to make her look like the good guy in all of this, be very careful.

Thank you everyone.. I am still being a little bit naive. It bothered me she said that. It was very odd she would say that about me....So the VAR is some type recorder?

Voice activated recorder.

Saying she's afraid of you may be prepping for a Restaining Order against you.

It's happened before.

Beware.

You are in denial of who your wife is. She seem so hove no remourse and very little regret even for being caught.

Again her words mean little.

Yes, like Marc said, your wife is not who you think she is, she could very well be your worst enemy right now and you are in shock.

Has the cousin contacted you?

Have you talked to your parents or her parents about this, if not I think you need to.

Your wife saying she is afraid is a ploy I believe to discredit you, and that is not unheard of on here.

Thank you everyone....Im starting to put some space between us today..Lets see what happens.

We went grocery shopping. I didnt say much to her. Only what i had to. You could tell that bothered her....

We are supposed to meet some close friends tomorrow and join them for church. So I will see how she does tomorrow....

Im thinking of telling her to move out until she can get her stuff together tomorrow evening.

Consequences are a good thing.

they are on a praise and worship team together

she says shes not really sorry because how he made her feel during their times together. She has no tears or emotion for me.....only for what she did to our kids, and even to my parents.

she said she was kind of afraid of me, that i might snap and hurt her.

Voice-activated recorder is a recorder that will record whenever there is noise, and will not when silent. Keep it with you in case she alleges you tried to hurt her, or if she just says you were "threatening."

If someone were to ask herself to describe herself, she would say, "a religious person who loves God, a devoted wife and mother."

Now, who knows about her cheating? How many people know? Who will know? I am guessing that other man's wife is starting to yell it to the treetops. So your wife is going to be found out to be a "cheater." But this is not her, she does not want to be known as that, her REPUTATION is one of the most important thing to her, maybe the most. But it is true, she is a cheater, she can't deny it now. So everyone, or many at least, will know.

So, how to deal with this. She is not a cheater, it is not her nature. It must be YOU. YOU are the problem, if you had done what you should have, loved her the right way, gave her enough attention, she NEVER would have cheated. YOU did this.

What can she do, people won't understand that. But what if she calls the police and says you were verbally abusive to her, you raised your voice, you yelled at her, you called her names, you made her feel very afraid. Then people can understand why she cheated. People will say, "yes, she cheated, but this guy was abusive, the police came and made him leave, and now she can't get within 1,000 feet of her, or the house. The police would not have done that if there was NOTHING going on, so it must be something to this."

she said she was kind of afraid of me, that i might snap and hurt her.

That's why you should be very concerned and get a voice-activated recorder - in case you are falsely accused. Do you think your wife WOULD NEVER do that?

she says shes not really sorry because how he made her feel during their times together. She has no tears or emotion for me.....only for what she did to our kids, and even to my parents.

THAT wife? That one would NEVER do that to you?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 8:36 PM, November 5th (Saturday)]

Go to Best Buy, Staples, or WalMart, etc. and pick up a Sony ICD-PX333 voice activated recorder. They are around $50. Also get a 8GB micro SD memory card, and some good lithium AAA batteries. Set it for the better or best recording quality, and most sensitive microphone setting. Turn off any beeps and lights.

Carry it with you at all times. Needless to say, don't reveal you are using it.

Again. Thank you everyone for the advice. Very valid points made about my wife and the "what ifs".

Broken,

It's difficult to absorb a lot of what is being said here. To people who have never gone through this, or are still very new to the world of infidelity, we would almost sound like a bunch of conspiracy theorists.

But that is EXACTLY what your WW and cousin did. They conspired against you(and the OM's wife) in the way that they betrayed, misled, and withheld information. They took things to a level that you can barely comprehend. Then, when discovered, does the wife that you cherish...and figured she did the same...become so distraught in how badly she hurt you? Nope. Not a tear. Still warm, fuzzy feeling for her adultering partner....her co-conspirator...who had no trouble stabbing you in the back.

So when you think about the possibility that she could try to make you look bad in other people's eyes to take the heat off of her, does it really sound that far-fetched?

Then we go full circle, back to sounding like a paranoid bunch. If nothing else, infidelity sure can be crazy-making. Nothing is out of the realm of possibility, because we are dealing with STRANGERS, who were once our partners.

I am not saying that you are ignoring any information; I am just saying that it is a lot to absorb.

jb3199

I do agree it is way too much to absorb. Everything that has happened.

All of the thoughts racing through my mind all of the time.

And all of the advice and information being given and offered.

I really do appreciate all of this. Normally I am of sound judgement. But nothing about all of this is normal....So again thank you everyone. I am listening. But also trying to process the advice and information. I do hear all of you.

Think with your head. Your heart will betray you at this time.

Your wife is not who you thought she was. You're having trouble recogzing that. Not uncommon but you can't fix that. Only she can.

Fix yourself and quit being manipulated and deceived.

You have value. Realize that.

Cheating is a human behavior. As such, it is fairly predictable. Very predictable. Cheating is a form of wrong-doing. It is in the same family of a child sneaking a cookie out of the cookie jar, and a person who steals. Colleges offer majors in criminal justice, sub-divisions include criminology - reasons for crimes. Wrong-doing is akin to these reasons. And the responses and reactions afterward.

Unless someone is psychotic or a sociopath, the wrong-doer is going to follow a similar path to wrong-doing. There is going to be means, motive, opportunity. Women cheaters most of the time you see here is based on opportunity. A relatively few women cheaters seek out to cheat, don't go to websites looking for it, but they find the other man among people who are within their group of people they come across regularly. Same with crimes, very few women statistically seek out crimes. Very few women statistically commit bank robberies, mugging, etc.

The normal cheating here, my observation, there is an opportunity, there is a "rationalization" that "it is OK for me to cheat because I deserve it" or "because my husband doesn't appreciate me" or "attention" etc. But some rationalization. Upon being caught, then blame-shifting and minimization and purposefully omissions and outright lies, destroying the evidence, "if you would have given me a decent salary I wouldn't have had to commit embezzling, I deserved the money so I took it - it's your fault"; "if you would have given me enough appreciation or attention, I wouldn't had to cheat, I deserve appreciation or attention so I took it - it's your fault."

Some people eventually come clean, admit fault, and choose to fix their bad decisions; others never do. That is a whole different mindset.

Cheating is not the same as criminality, and is not the same as a kid sneaking a cookie from the cookie jar, but it is in the same family. Cheating involves, in a marriage, breaking vows, and a lot more emotions, and high stakes.

There is a member EveryWomanJ2911, who posted this, which I think is a good summary:

These are my observations.

Honestly, I don't think that there is a lot of forethought when it comes to the fallout of D-Day for most WSs. Many people who are in these kinds of patterns will act on an impulse, not on reason. Some WSs are sex addicts, some are having an emotional affair that turns physical, some are attention seeking, some are lonely, and some are just without an active conscience. I would hope that a person would not marry someone they didn't love, but I don't know every situation. What I can say is that people in his world mess up. This life has a lot of brokenness in it, and some people will try to heal and love well, while others will not change or seemingly have no conscience.

Im thinking of telling her to move out until she can get her stuff together tomorrow evening.

How will that help the situation. A separation usually allows the wife to continue the affair without your looking over her shoulder.

Who knows about this now.

Is your wife still saying she is not sorry and she enjoyed the affair?