SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just had surgery 10-21-16 to repair a torn tendon. On 10-24-16 I was sleeping in lazy boy because of arm in a sling, my wife said love you. I told her to have agood day at her new job. My daughter left for school, then called a few minutes later to say her mom had called and she had left her cell phone at home. I didnt think much about that. About an hr later I went up to our bedroom saw her message light was flashing so I figured her lock pattern out after a couple tries, and replied to a pharmacy refill for my son. After that text closed I saw another message it was from my cousin/little brother. So I opended it, because they are on a praise and worship team together I thought it might be something she needed to know. I looked at the first one and was stunned....So I thought I misread it. I looked at the previous texts. They were explicit in their conversations back and forth.

This was my d-day......

She cam home on her lunch break, to which I hugged her and told her how much I loved her and I was sorry that ive been working too much, to put my daughter thru college, and I havent been really attentive, and how much she means to me, while hugging her. To which there was no response. So I pulled her phone out of my pocket. She still didnt know until I started crying telling her i had opended her phone up and discovered the texts between the two of them. She just said yeah we knew this day would come eventually.

I went into Save My Marriage mode. Told her she had to end all contact with him. And never seek it any further. And to let me know if he contacted her. She agreed. I found out later she emailed him anyway to inform him I know...Supposedly that was all it said.

Ive mentioned more than once I dont feel like she has apologized since it happened. She says im sorry I hurt you. But she has yet to apologize for what she has done.

Speaking of...They havent had sex, intercourse or orally, she says. But as soon as she got home that first day, I let her see her phone again, and she immediately deleted all of the texts. She said it woul be to painful for me.

I love my wife and want to save marriage. I feel like its partly my fault because I left a void.

So ive been pushing for reconciliation. We went and spoke to a counselor/pastor last night. She only showed emotions during and after she prayed for her. She said she was sorry she hurt me....Still not for what she did.

I dont have any close friends. I thought my wife, and my cousin were my two closest. I am also a pastors son. So i don't feel like I can just talk to anybody....

IM HURT

IM MAD

IM NUMB

IM SCARED

IM LOST

Im so glad that you have found your way here. I know you are hurting. This is so painful. You will get a lot of advice here. A lot of it, you are not going to want to here. Please know that members come with their own experiences (as well as their own anger and pain) - we all mean well. The goal is to get you and your marriage out of infidelity.

You will hear over and over again words of wisdom and advice. Please listen to it because in the weeks and months to come - unfortunately, you will come back here and say "you were right."

Please read the Healing Library above.

Do NOT jump into reconciliation no matter how much you want to.

I promise that you don't know HALF of what has happened.

I can almost assure you that their affair is still going on behind your back.

Lastly, and please hear me.... you did not cause this. Nothing you did or didn't do, can cause someone to cheat. this is all her. Please don't take any of the responsibility!

Take good care of yourself and your daughter.

Sometimes to save the marriage you have to be willing and able to just walk away. Right now you are accepting blame for something that is not your fault. That needs to stop. SHE made HER choices. No matter how negligent you feel you were there are other avenues to go about addressing what is wrong between the two of you,bringing in a third party is not acceptable. She hasn't even said that is the issue. It is what you offered to pave the way to reconciliation. Bad move. She's sorry she got caught. This is regret and not remorse or as brought up in an excellent post that was bumped certainly not contrition.

First of all, do not blame yourself in any way, do not lay blame at all with you. You did nothing wrong in working hard that caused this.

She just said yeah we knew this day would come eventually.

Her lack of caring in that statement is of a huge concern. She has shown no remorse or sorrow or given no apologies, and that is a huge concern as well.

It sort of shows me she is intending to leave you for this other guy...is this cousin married?

Have you talked to this cousin at all?

Speaking of...They havent had sex, intercourse or orally, she says. But as soon as she got home that first day, I let her see her phone again, and she immediately deleted all of the texts. She said it woul be to painful for me.

She most likely has had sex with this guy, without question. Otherwise, why is she deleting texts that would hurt you.

Take her phone and find a way to read the deleted texts, yes they will hurt, but being lied to and having to wonder hurts a lot more than knowing the real and entire truth.

Reply to: TT DDays, the last big one April 2015

Married 20 years.

Learned after this EA/PA in MC, this was not his first.

We both are working hard at R.

Thank you for your words of encouragement, and wisdom. I found out more thruths last night. That she was still hiding several aspects. I am seeking truth, for clarity in my decisions. For me, my daughter, my son, and my marriage.

Have you thought about running a Dr. Fone type program on her phone to recover the deleted messages. A lot of members me included had success with this.

the phone recovery is really big. you want to always wonder? you flat out need the truth to heal.

the phone recovery will give you the truth.

odd their texts explicit yet they "never" had sex? they knew this day was coming - that youd find texts? or discover their affair? which is more likely? they had time, opportunity, and motive. she crossed so many rubicons why stop? obvious answer is they had sex and shes lying.

shes lied for a long time. neh? why suddenly stop?

you need to verify her statements. they can no longer be assumed to be facts. thats a logical reaction when someone trustez cheats, lies, and betrays you.

rugsweeping it only leads to serious problems later and likely another d-day.

you cant fix it. the problem is in her. you just need to ensure shes a safe partner. by verifying.

We both are working hard at R.

From the little bit you have written, it does not sound like she is trying hard to R, she won't even apologize except for hurting you.

Were these truths you found out huge truths?

You are right in what you wrote, that you really need to know all of the entire truth, in order to make the proper decisions for the rest of your life.

Is this cousin married?

Novi template

Hi. I'm sorry you're faced with this, but it's great you found this site. You'll get lots of advice here, mostly good, take what you want and don't be scared away from this site by the rest. The advice you've received thus far is very good.

Having said that, here's some of my advice&questions, some already mentioned:

1. Go see a GOOD lawyer IMMEDIATELY! Don't let her know you've been to see one. Just so you know your options and that you'll be acting from a position of knowledge of your legal situation.

2. Go buy a VAR (voice activated recorder) or a GoPro thingy immediately and use it to record all your interactions with her. She might try to falsely accuse you of domestic violence to the police. Better safe than sorry, and there have been betrayed husbands here who were hit with false DV charges. I know you probably think she wouldn't do that, but considering her cheating you don't know her as well as you did. As all of us who were betrayed thought we knew our partners. Furthermore, if possible, ask a friend to stay with you for a while under some false pretext, to act as a witness against her false allegations.

3. Start documenting your and her care for the kids immediately. I recommend you be as detailed as possible, and I recommend you send the details of the day every day to a good friend of yours or to an alternate e-mail account so you will have time-stamped proof in case of a custody battle. You hopefully won't needed, but if you do, it's better you have it. Don't let her know you're doing this. Once you'll see concrete progress in her actions and reconciliation, you can start stopping the documenting.

4. Set up individual counselling for yourself IMMEDIATELY! You need professional help in dealing with this level of betrayal&shock. Find someone with experience in infidelity and/or PTSD. That was paramount in bearing the pain and healing myself. This is a great thread on selecting a good IC - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=544948 . Also, read up on EMDR therapy - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=571247 .

5. Go see your doctor about STD testing. Be aware that if you have sex with her, you risk getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant.

6. C(ontinue to c)onfide in your friends&family about this. You need and deserve their support. Have you told any of them yet of her cheating? I know you mentioned being the son of a pastor, but I still think you deserve and would get support from certain friends&family. You cannot or should not bear this burden alone...

7. Does the OM (your "cousin" - he doesn't deserve to be your cousin...) have a wife or a gf? If yes, she deserves to know, just as you deserved to know, not least so she can make an informed decision on her life and to get tested for STDs. Don't trust him or your wife that she's been told. Check out this - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=576398&AP=1&HL= .

8. Make sure you eat, sleep and exercise as much as possible. If you're having trouble, talk to your doctor or a pharmacist. DO NOT DRINK ALCOHOL. It's way too easy to spiral out of control. I stopped myself quite close to becoming an alcoholic in the aftermath of it all.

9. Google "No more mr. nice guy pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might be a source of great strength and self-esteem for you, as it was for me. Also, google "Codependent no more pdf", also available online for free. Another great book to read on this topic is "Married man sex life primer", I'd recommend you go to the library and get a copy of it, but that's more suitable for later on and can wait.

10. Go to the "I can relate" subforum here and check out the "Betrayed menz" thread on the first page. Read and post there, it's a great place for betrayed men. Also, there's a thread "Support through prayer" that might help you.

11. If you are giving her another chance, she needs to go to IC at least for a month before you two even consider MC together. I recommend YOU find a good IC for HER, one that you will know has a no-nonsense approach to infidelity (knows that cheating is 100% cheater's fault,...) and go to her first session with her to make sure the counsellor knows all about the cheating. Only after that should you try MC with her.

12. Google "How to help your spouse heal linda macdonald pdf", it's a great book available online for free that might help you two tremendously. Read it on your own at first. The best book for me on infidelity is "Not just friends", look it up in the library.

13. What was her and your childhood/youth like? Please, google "Toxic parents pdf", it's a great book available online for free. Also, check out "Families and how to survive them" in your library, it opened my eyes on the topic of childhood issues and how they connect to adult relationships.

14. I think it's important that you tell her that as a condition for you to attempt to reconcile with her is for her to write you a detailed timeline of the affair(s). Upon telling her, notify her you'll want her to undertake a polygraph test afterwards to ascertain you have the full truth. Tell her that lying will do more damage than any truth will.

15. A phrase that I've heard a lot here and with which I agree is that you must be willing to lose the marriage(relationship) to save it. You mustn't think of her as the prize and you mustn't approach this from a position of weakness, of you trying to win her back by being nice etc. You must get therapy, you must get into the mindset that you will be ok even if you divorce and that you will not settle for rugsweeping or anything less than her being fully remorseful and committed to redeeming herself and helping you heal.

16. If she continues to have contact with him/them despite you demanding she stops, and if you'll want to stop the cheating, or if she'll continue to be unremorseful (and so far she doesn't seem to be remorseful), EXPOSE HER CHEATING to her friends&family and/or SERVE HER WITH DIVORCE PAPERS. Remember, even if you serve her, you can always stop the divorce later if she proves remorseful etc. But it's a good wake-up call for the cheater that very often works.

17. A divorce would be hard on you and the kids. When it comes to them, it is, however, much better for the kids to not see you everyday if that means that they won't grow up in a toxic household due to their mom's cheating, disrespect,..., where their dad is being destroyed emotionally due to their mom's actions. What the kids need to grow up emotionally happy, mature and strong young adults is to have at least a part of their lives emotionally healthy and safe (i.e. the days they will spend with you), to have at least one parent (i.e. you) emotionally stable and healthy (and you can't be that if you remain with a cheating, unremorseful spouse) and to have access to a good children's therapist (it's up to you to get them to see a good therapist). Please, consult a good therapist for kids to hear his/her opinion before you decide to stay married to her because of the kids.

18. You DON'T HAVE TO DECIDE RIGHT NOW whether to give her another chance or not, whether to reconcile. That decision can wait for quite some time (but make sure waiting to make the decision doesn't hurt you legally, financially, physically/health-wise,... -> talk to your lawyer etc.). Remember, even if you start the divorce proceedings, you can stop them. And even if you finish the divorce proceedings, you can still reconcile with her despite divorcing her. If she's truly remorseful, she will be desperate to get you back even if you divorce her. And if she'll be willing to stay without you despite the divorce, it will be a good sign she's doing that not because she wants the financial,..., security of the marriage, but because of you. So again, no need to make quick decision.

Also, like others have said, it's a roller-coaster, being cheated on. It's one of the most shocking and traumatic things you'll ever experience in life. It is perfectly understandble to be dazed and confused from all this, to not know what exactly to do, to feel one thing one moment and another the next moment. As time goes by and you work on healing yourself, things will get considerably better.

What's crucial is that you don't make any really bad decisions in this first stage of being totally mentally fuc-ed up, like getting her pregnant, getting an STD, you cheating on her with someone else and thereby demeaning yourself, you becoming an alocoholic, crashing a car, beating him up and ending in jail etc.

19. Also, check out these two threads, I try to read them regularly - http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=568211&AP=21&HL= and http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=514479&AP=1&HL= .

20. Most of all, keep talking to us, the more you talk to us, the more we can help you and support you!

Best wishes

My OM-cousin is married. Some of my truths came from his wife to me. Then verified by my wife. She was "trying to protect me". I told her after losing my cool I don't care what she wants, if she wants to R, I need all the truth. THey got almost to the intercourse, both hands mouths on each other. His hands in her...her mouth touching his...She fessed up that he told if going this far then lets do it. HE told her no we cant do that. Just so many thoughts.. My mind is going crazy. She hasnt apologized for what she did cause she says shes not really sorry because how he made her feel during their times together. She has no tears or emotion for me.....only for what she did to our kids, and even to my parents.....This is all so exhausting.

No remourse no reconciliation.

Cheaters lie a lot. You only know the tip of the iceberg.

Sorry man but you should have kept the phone.

You put your future in her hands.

Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" free PDF download

I think you're going to need it. Do not let your fear guide you.

Do not commit to R at this time because it will be a false one.

Doing the "pick me dance" will worsen your situation.

Do not cry or beg.

You need to get strong now.

She needs to go complete no contact and give you full transparency. It seems like she didn't care you found out which means the marriage is over.

Sorry but the no sex is probably a lie. It always is.

Admitting to kissing in an affair = sex

Don't let your fear guide you

[This message edited by Marc878 at 6:45 PM, October 27th (Thursday)]

If there was opportunity for sex, you can bet there was sex. The "we kissed once and it was awkward" (the story I was told) or "we started to but just couldn't go that far" story is so common here it's cliche.

My heart goes out to you.

In case you don't have enough to read, Dr. Dobson's Love Must Be Tough can give you some insights into what it means to take the marriage to the brink of death to save it. Advice you get here about lawyers and divorce papers can be shocking to you when you thought your marriage was fine 10 days ago, but you need to understand that you must be TOUGH. Many of us did the "pick me" dance and tried to "nice them" back, including me. My WH did not take me seriously until I asked for D and kicked his ass out. My biggest regret is that I did not do that on DDay. I beat myself up over it daily. It would have saved me a lot of pain and further damage to the M.

Read the Dobson book. I downloaded it on my phone; no one knows I have it and I can read a few pages while waiting in line at Target. It's dated but the mind of a cheater is the same as it ever was.

So there was "no sex"?

I agree WK.

Besides, there's no remorse so what are you forgiving OP is she's not asking for forgiveness ?

I am not sure what you are looking for.

She has told you in no uncertain terms that:

She has no real feelings for you apart from (allegedly) not wanting to "hurt you". This is almost certainly not true. She just didn't want the whole truth getting out and making her look even worse than she did or even give you even more evidence. I cannot, for the life of me understand why you didn't read ALL her texts when you had the chance and not only that, why you didn't take copies and send them to yourself for safekeeping!

She definitely still fancies (is in love with) the OM - shamelessly. She has told you that her affair with him "made her feel good" (I bet it did!). She just didn't want her kids to know. This would have gone on for years until he and she were both ready to leave their respective marriages. They are both evil people and you have no business being around them.

She says she had his d!ck in her mouth and his on her pu$$y. And you seriously think they didn't fvck! Oh please, how naive can you be? They are not teenagers and this is not some silly fooling around. This was hot and heavy!

You would be insane to even attempt R at this stage. Be ready to not just let her go but expose far and wide. Protect your finances and custodial rights and then let them have it with both barrels!

By the way, where are your from/where do you live?

Thank you for the advice/encouragement. Also thank you for the suggestion of the book by Dr. Dobson. Im going to take a look at it....I AM hearing all the advice. I don't have clear thinking right now, I know. Ive made several calls to Counselors. Some are booked up, some dont take mtgs after 5. I want what is right. For me, my kids, my marriage, and in the sight of GOD.... I worry about my OW, and mother of my children, what will happen to her if I make us take a break. She doesnt have anywhere to go. Her mom is a mess, so staying with her parents would not be a good situation.

We are still in the same house and sleeping in the same bed together. I know that sounds stupid to most of you.

Im really hoping one of the calls I made to a C, will pan out today. I need clarity in decisions.....Thank you everyone for your comments and trying to help...Am I still in some sort of denial???

Don't beat yourself up over this. Your Dday is fairly recent but you are already taking steps to get yourself out of infidelity. We all stumbled out of the gate on our own Dday because infidelity isn't something you prepare for and practice in our response because when we took our vows we, getting cheated on was the last thing on our minds.

You are still in a bit in shock. Day by day as seek guidance from here, your counselor, friends and family you will get stronger and have more clarity on what your options are, what needs to be done and how. Yes, the book by Dobson is great. Tough love is indeed needed in your situation. Also make sure to read "No more Mr. Nice guy" as it is an eye opener as to who we really are and what we enable when we men think we are "Nice guys". Also, look into the 180 in the healing library.