SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Have you spoken to the authorities at your Church? This needs to be addressed, and you need to find a new place of worship. Try the hard 180 my friend!! ❤️

I love roller coasters....

But I REALLY WANT OFF THIS ROLLER COASTER !!!!!

You can get off when you want to, this is really up to you.

Have you told anyone about what has happened?

How is your wife acting now, last I knew she still said she was not sorry for the affair and enjoyed it.

Have you talked to the OM?

craig2001

My wife did give me a more sincere apology a couple of days ago.

The other guy....

I dont want to see or hear his name. I've realized his name is a trigger, and I start having an anxiety attack.

As far as getting off the roller coaster. I do want to eventually reconcile. She is making more of an attemp to hear me and respond with remorse. Its just the roller coaster of emotions and thoughts that I want off from.

I unfriended his wife today, because I open up FB this morning, there were multiple pics of him and his wife having fun, on their anniversary. And just seeing his pic, sent my day spinning out of control mentally and emotionally.

So realizing that, I unfriended her so I wouldnt have to see his face or hear about him.

I did talk to a friend today, from a few years back, that had went through a similar ordeal. Just to get his feelings, and ideas on how to walk through this and stay married.

Ive never felt so out of control of myself, in my life.......

Just really struggling today...I cried again more than once in front of my wife because of all the hurt and betrayal I feel. She did put her hand on mine as I cried. WE got home and I cried again. She put her arms around me and comforted me....But. ...She still has NO tears for me. She says she loves me. But there are no tears from her. I cant stop myself from bringing some tears for the people I care about. .......Today has been really HARD

This really resonated with me Brokenhusband99. I understand your pain because I did the same as you and got exactly the same reaction from my own WW.

You have received good advice on here from many BS's who have gone through exactly what you're going through now. Some of that advice may seem quite harsh to you but believe me you need to emotionally toughen up, however difficult that might seem. You're clearly a sensitive guy, maybe like me, a bit co-dependent, but you must understand that without true and meaningful remorse from your WW there can be no reconciliation however much you want it.

You were responsible for 50% of the marriage but your WW is 100% responsible for her affair.

Get her a copy of 'How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair' by Linda Macdonald. It may help to bring home to her the pain that you're going through as a result of her conscious decisions, assuming she actually cares of course?

I wish I could be more positive but from my own experience and from what I've read of other BS's experiences elsewhere, unless the WW is instantly and profoundly remorseful the prognosis for the marriage is not good.

I'm so sorry Brokenhusband99. I hope in your case I'm wrong.

sillyoldsod

Thank you. I did toughen up a bit over the weekend. I printed off 3 of the healing library articles. I gave her 2 of them, and she is in the tub reading them now.

Infidelity Through the Tear Stained Eyes of The Betrayed

And

What Every WS Needs To Know

Im hoping she will start to comprehend what I am going to.

The last couple of days have been pretty good between us. Im stressed out between my emotions, and work related stuff. And then tonight, she has a hair appt in about 45 min. She dropped our son off at a bball game. Then to her appt.

This is the first she has been away from me, besides work, since Dday. This may be some of my anxiousness.

Thinking of going to check up on her.

Hypervigilance is a normal feeling at this sort of timeframe. Don't beat yourself up about it, but don't let the obsession take over. It will drain you physically AND emotionally.

There are many articles on this site that a BS will completely identify with and wish to share with their WS. 'Look, this is what happened in our marriage and this is what you are doing!'

It is very natural to want yo figure out what has happened and wish to share that with the WS.

As well intentioned and logical this appears. In the scheme of things it is folly. A WS who is remorseful and truly wishes to repair what they broke would already be researching and finding such information on their own accord.

I know that you want to repair the damage and return to normality. But your WS is not showing the behaviors of someone seriously contemplating R and all the required work.

Rather someone who is planning their next move. Showing just enough remorse to appease.

I am not so sure you need to toughen up. But give serious thought to realities that appear to be staring at you.

When in your shoes, I behaved very similarly. I wanted nothing more than the opportunity of R.

That is not how things played out for me. I am now so thankful that was my path.

This is the first she has been away from me, besides work, since Dday. This may be some of my anxiousness.

Thinking of going to check up on her.

Being anxious is very common, and that is what liars do to us. They break trust and a liar gives us no reasons to trust them.

It takes a long time to regain any trust.

Did you check up on her?

I open up FB this morning, there were multiple pics of him and his wife having fun, on their anniversary.

I'm confused. Is his wife aware that her husband has been having an affair with your wife?

Or have you not told her?

craig2001

Yes I did check up on her. She was where she was supposed to be. I also asked before she left to go to the appt, to text me some pics while she was there. Which she did do.

But last night and this morning she was trying to comfort me a little, amd said "I am PATIENTLY, waiting by your side. And "Im here with you"....

I told her by text this morning,, that her saying she was being patient, is not tge right words for me right now

Instead you need to say im sorry I caused this. IM sorry for everything ive done....etc

Almost 4 hrs ago, amd NO REPLY. ....

setecastronomy

Oh yes. His wife knows too. OT was probably her backdoor way of trying to bother my wife. And knowing her, not caring whom she hurts in the process. SO I unfriended her.

So you are saying she still has not even said she is sorry for what she did.

Last I knew, she told you she was not sorry and enjoyed the affair, is she still holding to that statement?

craig2001

She has apologized some. Just not quite to the extent that I need to move forward....She is taking 'baby steps'. I believe she is making her way there. And I am telling her what I need too. Im just waiting to hear it. Thank you for your interest, and advice for my situation. I really do appreciate it. All of the previous posts from you.

She has apologized some. Just not quite to the extent that I need to move forward.

There is a lot more than just a I'm sorry needed as you know.

Does she still say she liked the affair and is not sorry for the affair. There is a difference between being sorry for hurting you, sorry for getting caught and sorry for the actual deed.

Does she still consider this OM a friend? That is an important question.

3 weeks ago today,at approximately 11am. My life changed, and my world as I knew it collapsed on top of itself.

My wife has apologized more. But I'm still not seeing those tears, that are supposed to go with the empathy and remorse. She has cried....some.....

But not to the extent that I think in my mind there should be. No sobbing, deep cries like I have had. My heart wants to believe this liar standing in front of me, means it when she says she loves me. But the only thing I know right now is she is a SELFISH LIAR!!!

I'm sorry BH, and I hear you.

I really do.

But last night and this morning she was trying to comfort me a little, amd said "I am PATIENTLY, waiting by your side. And "Im here with you"....

Oh dear.

This sounds as though she's just going to "patiently wait" for you to get over this and stop bringing all this stuff up.

I know exactly how upset you are... and how even more upset you are, that she doesn't even seem to be in anyway nearly as distraught about her infidelity - as you are.

Can you start to change the dynamics here?

She's not so distraught because for her - there have been no consequences whatsoever.

You and your children are "getting with the program" to try and sort this out - her?

seems not so much.

Seems all she has to do is turn up back home and all should be hunky-dory.

Your heartbroken?

Well - she'll patiently wait until you've gotten yourself over that.

Take a step back BH

Take a good, hard, dispassionate look at this.

B - R - E - A - T - H - E deeply.

Read again the 180 (No. 11 in BS FAQs, Healing Library)

You are putting you heart, your soul, your faith and your love into reconciliation with your WS,

.... look hard.

what is she putting in?

Also - have you thought about her expression of fearing you are going to "snap" and physically hurt her? Have you looked into a VAR?

Have you consulted a lawyer and availed yourself of the knowledge of what your finances / custody / living arrangements would be - should your survival of infidelity turn out to be without your wife?

Tough times BH.

Sending you strength.

MOB

MadOldBat

Thank you. I did go back and reread the 180. I'm going to read it a couple of more times. I tend to glean a little more each time. I guess I don't know what taking a step back from our relationship would look like right now.

I really am questioning in my mind, what effort is she putting into this. Right now it seems to be only what I ask for. But only after I ask.

My wife has apologized more. But I'm still not seeing those tears, that are supposed to go with the empathy and remorse. She has cried....some.....

Is your wife still in contact with the OM?

And how do you know she is not or is...can you confirm anything she is telling you at this time?

craig2001

I dont know.....Ive been naive again, believing the liar in front of me that she cut all contact with him. But i havent tried to confirm this. I probably need to try Dr. Fone like some people have suggested.