SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I agree with the other posters who think you should go totally dark with your soon to be exshat.

There is absolutely nothing he could say that would change what he's done. The fact that he's "trying" shows what a truly piece of shit he is. As is the slut fiance. If they want to "talk" they have each other. They make me sick to my stomach.

I still can't believe the depths people willingly sink to. It's scary that our moral character is as thin as our ozone.

Dear NY, I think that you're doing the right thing. However, I know that, even though its the right thing, you're hurting badly. Your feelings, memories, and emotions have to be all over the place. That's OK, and it's to be expected. You're going to need to grieve the loss of your WH, of the person that you knew and the person that he turned out to be. And that's OK. You're going to grieve as if a death has taken place in your family, and in all truth, it has. There's a lot of loss here that you're going to have to get through, both you and your son. I would strongly suggest that both of you seek IC. Having someone IRL that you can talk to, who isn't emotionally connected to this trauma and that can help you process your feelings and emotions, would be a very good thing for you. We're all here to help, and we're going to be here for you. I just think that you'll gain a lot more help as well, if you can find yourself a good IC, one who has handled infidelity and grief counseling. (((hugs)))

I really can't thank you all enough, I know I keep saying it.

I hear what you're all saying, but part of me really wants to hear why he did this. I have so many questions...how did it start, when did it start, how long has it been going on, how did he justify doing this to our son, did he really think they would never get caught, did he not think at all about the devastation it would cause, how could he violate our home in this way.

Forgive me if you all think I'm crazy for wanting answers.

i don't think you're crazy. you want to make sense of your life. get the answers and then move on.

I hear what you're all saying, but part of me really wants to hear why he did this. I have so many questions...how did it start, when did it start, how long has it been going on, how did he justify doing this to our son, did he really think they would never get caught, did he not think at all about the devastation it would cause, how could he violate our home in this way.

Completely normal. Completely. He has violated your vows and your home and you want to know why. I get it.

Forgive me if you all think I'm crazy for wanting answers.

I just caution on this. I have never gotten the "real" answers (read: answers that didn't blame me for a variety of marital "offenses" that were skewed, poorly reasoned and stuff that happens in every marriage). Be prepared for him to blame everyone but himself.

If he is REALLY focused on becoming a better person, he will figure out the why (hopefully with the help of a competent therapist) and use this as an extraordinarily painful and costly (in terms of money and everything else) lesson in making better choices.

However, it has been my experience that a significant number of WSs are simply incapable of putting in the hard work that such introspection and taking responsibility would require. This violation is so egregious that I really doubt he has what it takes to truly own it.

I hope I'm pleasantly surprised, but I deal in reality and this is what I have seen in my more than 20 years of dealing with this unpleasant journey called infidelity.

Cat

NYgirl- Its completely normal to want those answers. In your shoes, I would probably want to get some answers. Be prepared for all the I don't knows. I don't remember and I don't know what I was thinking.

Be prepared to not get the answers you crave.

I am always in favour of people doing what they feel they need to do. If you feel you need to get some answers, I would ask...however, if I were in your shoes, I would talk to my son about what info i was seeking and that I was going to have contact with WH and see how he feels about it first. My first priority would be to make sure I didn't cause any further pain to my son but would explain to him why I needed the contact. He may be hurt by you wanting to have contact and he may be in favour of you getting the answers that he may want also. JMHO

I would ask...however, if I were in your shoes, I would talk to my son about what info i was seeking and that I was going to have contact with WH and see how he feels about it first. My first priority would be to make sure I didn't cause any further pain to my son but would explain to him why I needed the contact. He may be hurt by you wanting to have contact and he may be in favour of you getting the answers that he may want also. JMHO

I agree with deephurt. IMHO you should talk to your son about any communication you plan to have with your WS. He needs to know he can completely trust you and that you are 100% together in this.

I am so sorry you are both going through this. There are no words. You are doing the right thing divorcing. I will pray for you and your son and I wish you all of the best. You will both be fine in the long run - I really believe that. Be strong for each other.

I told my son that I plan on asking questions and if there's anything he would like to know in particular. He said he doesn't care to know about it, there's nothing either one of them could say that will change what's happened. He isn't upset that I want answers, but he also doesn't want me to share what I find out.

I'm going to text my WH, so at least I have written proof if I need it in the divorce.

The answers would be nice....but they will only provide bullshit.

My STBX could only muster that he and the OW are only human.

Really lots of people are human and they do not cheat. So they try to minimize and say it just happened (over and over again for months).

They won't tell you about the pursuit and the lying and the planning and the self centeredness that drives them to selfishly and with cruelty and blindness hurt others.

The answer is they wanted sex, didn't give a damn who got hurt, and probably thought they would not get caught.

That is not of course what they will say.

Forgive me if you all think I'm crazy for wanting answers.

Not crazy - absolutely normal.

Beware however. The quest for answers is often fruitless and fraught with risk.

Google "untangling the skein of fuckedupness".

Totally understand your desire to "know" the details and the reasons. Your heart and brain need "answers" in order to move on. You're not crazy or weak for that, you deserve it in fact, just like you deserved a faithful husband.

Problem is, the majority of WS's suffer from major brain failure once their affair(s) are brought out in the light and it's no longer their dirty little secret. They'll minimize, deflect,self pity,yada, yada, yada... They literally use a WS cheating manual. Same excuse/reason-different cheater.

Some BS's spend more time on trying to get their WS's to explain their choices/reasons, etc... then they do moving on with their life.

At some point you hopefully will realize that there is nothing he can say, that will justify or explain the reason for his affair.

I agree that there is nothing wrong with wanting answers, but just know that the answers you want will not give you closure. He will blame everything and everyone but himself. He will say he is sorry and didn't know why he did it, yada, yada, yada. The truth is he thought he wouldn't get caught. There is really no telling how many A's he had before her that you don't know about. So if you feel you must request these answers then do it for yourself.

We all felt a little crazy when we discovered the A. That is normal and to be expected. We are trying to make sense out of nonsense which never works. I just don't see that anyone could ever R with what he has done. It's bad enough when it's just you, but to intentionally hurt his son is unthinkable for most of us.

I can't even imagine the pain you are going through. If you didn't feel a little nuts then I would question why. Just take it one day at a time, or one second at a time if you must. It will get better for you and your son. As someone else said let DS know that it was best he found out who she was before he married her and had children. For that part he dodged a bullet for sure. (((HUGS)))

NY, people cheat because they can.

Any excuses are invalid.

Whether it's an exit affair, a one night stand, an emotional online affair or whatever... they just decided to cheat and they commit all kinds of "sins" in order to do so (lying, lying by omission, rewriting your personal history, and plenty of other shitty things).

People don't like admitting they're shitty people, so (excuses here) must be the reason they would stoop so low, in their minds.

Forgive me if you all think I'm crazy for wanting answers.

I'm going to text my WH, so at least I have written proof if I need it in the divorce.

All power to you NYG for speaking about this to your son - you are a FANTASTIC Mom.

I don't think you are crazy t all - who the heck wouldn't want some sort of explanation?

Be aware that he may try to contact you via phone / voicemail / face2face concerning this.

Just as you have established that his response could assist you regarding divorce - so he will realise that committing anything into writing would condemn him.

Safeguard against being taken by surprise should he contact you via your phone, or ask for an unrecorded meeting where he indicates he may spill his guts.

Stay strong

Be calm,

and be aware.

Keep your eyes OPEN.

He's stabbed you and your son in the back once - he's got nothing to lose now.

Hugs, MOB xx

Great idea to get it all in writing.

You are doing a GREAT job navigating this shitstorm. I'm so proud of you putting yourself and your son first. You are a wonderful parent, thank goodness he has one parent who cares about him more than anything else in the world.

((((NYgirl68))))

NYGirl

I'm very sorry about what has happened to you and your family. I wish that there were words to make it better. Just know that you aren't alone.

It's not crazy to want answers. But those answers might make you crazy. If your WH is capable of giving you any truth...the what, when, and where might be revealed. Unfortunately, no matter what he says "the why" will never make sense or give you any peace. What he did is so far out-of-bounds there isn't any rational answer. Sometimes people do things that are so painful and destructive that the only sensible thing to do is get away from them.

Please make sure to take care of yourself and your son FIRST!

I am so sorry you and your son have joined this club that no one wants to join.

I would need the details as well but please when you get them be aware that they may not be 100% truthful and that he will most like minimise his actions and blame shift.

Can you send him an email or text and ask for a written timeline as a starting point? Then once you have it and read it a few times you will be able to decide if you have more questions for him or if you have enough information for you to be able to move forward. I would keep everything in writing as then you have time to think before responding.

If you ask, you will get a selection from the standard cheater's menu of excuses:

- I was too bored and needed excitement/too busy and needed escape

- I was the youngest child, so was pampered as a kid/middle child, so felt unwanted as a kid/oldest child so was under pressure/only child so felt alone

- My parents were too strict/too lenient and that caused me to act out at this late age

- You were too nice to me so I took you for granted/you were too hard on me/you were too indifferent towards me

- She made me feel wanted/younger/wiser/smarter

- It must have been the meds..

...essentially you'll get an endless list of excuses if you ask.

The answer to why is because he met someone like minded who also wanted to and could. And so they did. There are no reasons, only excuses. Or put another way, all it takes is opportunity and inclination.

Seeking answers is natural. But don't expect the truth.

I suspect he'll blame everyone but himself - her for pursuing him, you for neglecting him, his parents for whatever, job stress. when you hear that that is when you know he will probably never get it and even if he does, he's destroyed the family.