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I think the affair partner posted the pic on her Facebook when they were together at work. The Orbitz app means she's planning to book hotels for the affair either during or after work. She still does work late some days. I have GPS in her but she can easily leave the phone at work, go to the hotel, and come back some the GPS doesn't mean so much sometimes.

Not perfect5

Did you file for d And expose the affair at the same time?

No, I'm trying to reconcile, and it is good sometimes and excruciating at other times.

My WW's OM has no family and no spouse. He is pretty much a musician / drifter who deliberately tried to break up my marriage to marry my wife. It nearly worked as she was researching "how to date during a divorce".

I believe the one thing that held her back from divorcing me and running off with him was disclosure. It was the social fallout, not our children, not me, not her own honor... It would be just the sheer embarrassment of it all.

So I have been very restrained in my disclosure to IRL friends. She has asked me not to disclose to a men's group at church. She even cringes when I post here anonymously. It is deeply humiliating for her.

My problem wasn't that I didn't know who it was, but that there was an affair. I could see that they secretly texted and they had met, I just didn't have a smoking gun and she would not confess to anything sexual. She blameshifted and gaslighted something horrible and it hurts me to this day. Only when I set up a polygraph and said, "take it or we are done" did she confess. Even then she lied about the number of times. TT over 6 months and another polygraph were required to finally get the truth out. So much anguish was sealed into my future as a result of her refusal to admit her affair. She added years to my recovery (if I can).

So you are searching for the key piece of information -- who is this guy?

Look up Nambaster. He knew that his wife had sex (kissing under the clothes) with some guy at work, but not who. She refused to tell him. So every guy at work was the potential OM. It was crazy making. They are divorcing as a result. They have 5 children too. How shameful she is.

Until you get that truth -- who he is, you will be in a holding pattern, unable to rest, to find comfort or solace. Completely unable to heal. Your marriage will be a lie and you are adding month after month to potential additional anguish.

I let my wife continue to abuse me by blameshifting and gaslighting and TT'ing for over a year. If she only knew the damage she was doing as she did so. What a shame.

Keep pressing for the truth. You can repair after the arrow is out of your chest. You can decide to keep her or not. But your timeline to heal is not only delayed, but extended by her refusal to confess. It is making it less likely to recover, and adding years to your pain.

When you're in hell, KEEP MOVING! And don't delay. Do so quickly for both of your sakes.

If I had outed her to the community, it would have destroyed our lives, shamed our children, ruined her business, and humiliated us all. I didn't want to do that unless I was 100% sure I was divorcing. I never got to that place.

I'm a good guy too. Pride myself on it. But sometimes our wives just break and want to get fucked by bad guys, and there are a lot of bad guys out there, and there is nothing you can do to stop them. That is 100% on our wives.

Good luck finding your truth. Your wife has what you need and is watching you suffer, because of her pride and selfishness.

Good luck Goodguy.

NP5

GPS is cheap. Put one in her car. Not sure you need it but this would be easy for a PI to crack pretty quick.

Closure/payback is a good thing. Keep looking you'll find his wife's contact. For probably a small fee you could have a PI deliver the evidence.

I have GPS in her but she can easily leave the phone at work, go to the hotel, and come back some the GPS doesn't mean so much sometimes.

I recommend you get a GPS at livevewgps. the PT-10pro works nicely. It's $350 and attaches to the bottom of the car by magnet and can transmit a weeks worth of data every 15 seconds or so. It only updates when moving and a couple minutes after. It updates live on the internet so you can see her location real time. There is a monthly fee of $50 for this service. You log onto the web and see a map with a position and trail. It records, historically, for 30 days and you can review those 30 days at any time.

The Orbitz app means she's planning to book hotels for the affair either during or after work. She still does work late some days. I have GPS in her but she can easily leave the phone at work, go to the hotel, and come back some the GPS doesn't mean so much sometimes.

Is there any way you can continue to watch that information to find out what motel she is going to and when.

Watch all credit card and debit card statements.

I would think though, that someone having an affair in town would not need Orbitz to find a motel, there must be cheap no tell motels around that she has already gone to.

If she is still supposedly working late and coming home late, I am guessing the paycheck stubs do not support this, so keep everything as evidence.

If you have any close friend that could help, that would be great. And you are right, she could keep her car at work and take his car and the GPS would not matter....but why does she turn her GPS off in the phone.

Can you go by her work at the time she is supposed to go home.

This is not easy, but the only way to catch a liar is to catch them in the act, otherwise you will every excuse in the book, including being abducting by aliens.

Update....

So my wife has been a little nicer lately after a good 180 on my part. Cuddled with me last night a little, called me honey this am. All BS I'm sure.

She called me around 4 and asked if I have been checking her email because she got a message someone logged in from another computer, which is at our house. Not sure why that message came today because I've been doing that for the last few weeks. I had to confess because she knew.

Anyway, she asked why I have the need to snoop. I told her I don't trust her. She asked me specifically what don't I believe. I said when your ready to tell me the truth about everything I am willing to listen. She kept on saying I don't understand "what don't you trust that I'm not telling you". I told her everything a wife should tell a husband. FYI- This where I found out about her planning for plastic surgery btw. I had to hang up the phone because we were both at work.

I get a text an hour or two later saying she is going to skip her after work party, attend dinner with me and the kids and we will talk a bit after they go to bed.

I will remain firm and not give in to her. I know she will try to see what I know. Will keep you posted.

I get a text an hour or two later saying she is going to skip her after work party,

Wow, how nice of her to skip the company party, which I assume the OM would be at.

She is asking why you are checking up on her because she is checking up on you and your actions.

Just stay firm and calm, total honesty or you just be quiet.

FYI - do not ever reveal how much you know or even suspect. You have two ears and one mouth. Listen twice as much as you talk. Cheaters normally reveal only what they think you know.

Your response to any admission she makes is 'I already knew that, and I know that is not all."

Good luck.

You don't have to tell her shit. Don't divulge your info. She is counting on Mr Nice Guy to suck it up and give in. You do that now you're toast.

She's a proven liar

Expect her to try and manipulate you to keep your mouth shut.

She'll offer sex now but it'll be only for manipulation. I'd tell her no you don't want to catch anything because you have no idea where her boyfriend has been.

She's not on the receiving end of this so she'll never understand your feelings if she even cared.

Stay strong. We're all pulling for you.

Rugsweeping this will cause much regret later on. Dont do it.

Get control of your life.

Good luck and like the others say please stay strong. I think the best thing you can do is get caught up in the moment. Like when she snuggles with you or says something nice try not to let that erase in your mind all that has been happening.

Marc878 is spot on too about the sex. Don't let her use that as a tool to get you to give in. This will be hard and something I didn't know till I was on here and was told. I gave in myself in the beginning and it made me get what I wanted from her that much harder. Once I put that on ice and focused on the issues at hand she got pissed and I saw things more clearly.

Update on our talk....

I'm not sure what to make of it. We talked for 3 hours and answered all me questions. I stayed strong. I told her I don't trust anything she tells me and she can only prove trust by her actions in the future.

Found out affair started before I knew about. Confirmed some truths with what I know that she didn't know I knew but didn't I catch her in any lies that I can prove yet. She says she is unhappy in life and not sure why and the affair wasn't because of a bad marraige. She says she likely projected her unhappiness on the affair partner to make her feel better. She says she obviously developed feeling for him during that time. Says she never thought of us getting a divorce at anytime. Thought she could continue because she would never get caught and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

These are my red flags. She thinks the affair partner is a good guy. Doesn't think she needs to get tested for stds because they have see condoms and thinks that he is very respectful about her wishes to stop the affair and would never try to initiate it again. She says she never thought of divorce between us but yet is not in my opinion truly remorseful yet in her actions. Also says she still has to figure out why she is unhappy. At times tried to minimize things. Kept on saying it's a smart idea not to tell anyone. When I suggested she talk to her best friend about she said she didn't want to tell anyone about something so bad she did.

Now on the other hand she said she will do what it takes for us to regain trust to start the process of healing and work on our marraige.. Such as agreeing to a post-nump agreement including being responsible for all her current debt and future debt on credit cards in her name. She will get tested for stds. She will talk to a ic to figure out her issues of unhappiness. She also said she would leave her job for our marraige if that's what I wanted. I know these are just words at this point and cheaters lie but this is confusing for me.

What I know is that if she doesn't follow through on her words divorce is the route to go as planned. But what if she is willing to sign a post nump on my terms, give me access to her accounts and anything else I need? What a mindfuck!!

I don't mean to be a wet blanket just I see a lot of you in me and that worries me. I know you think this was a decent talk but was it really? Read again what she said in the bold and tell me again what is positive?

Says she never thought of us getting a divorce at anytime. Thought she could continue because she would never get caught and what I didn't know wouldn't hurt me.

Kept on saying it's a smart idea not to tell anyone. When I suggested she talk to her best friend about she said she didn't want to tell anyone about something so bad she did

As for these things she says she will do I say pick one and call her bluff. Yes I think its a bluff to appease you and move on quickly.

I think she is banking on you being a good guy and no offense a push over in this regard and that you will believe her and move on. I am sorry all I got out of this talk was her feelings and good things about the OM. Where were you in all of this? What about your pain and hurt?

You need ACTIONS not her words.

Now on the other hand she said she will do what it takes for us to regain trust to start the process of healing and work on our marraige.. Such as agreeing to a post-nump agreement including being responsible for all her current debt and future debt on credit cards in her name. She will get tested for stds. She will talk to a ic to figure out her issues of unhappiness. She also said she would leave her job for our marraige if that's what I wanted. I know these are just words at this point and cheaters lie but this is confusing for me.

Honestly, that's a good start on her part - that she agreed to those things. IMO, there's hope.

Now, you just need to see if she really follows through over the next weeks, months.

I thing she met him again after a work party this week and my GPS tracking on her in the parking deck for 30 minutes after she left the party. Came home chewing gum and the front passenger seat way way back. Her make eye make up was a little messed up too.

The affair is still ongoing. Not informing the other mans wife will be a major mistake. Of course your wife wants it kept a secret. It's all about her.

As long as they are in contact the affair will continue and you get to ride the limbo roller coaster.

Cheaters lie a lot. Her actions will tell you what you need to know.

She wants trust and privacy to cheat. Get a VAR in the car.

Talk is cheap.

Kept on saying it's a smart idea not to tell anyone. When I suggested she talk to her best friend about she said she didn't want to tell anyone about something so bad she did.

Do you want to see how committed she is to the marriage and R? Require her to confess her affair to everyone important in both your lives. Family, friends, clergy, everyone. That will be the quickest way to find out just how committed she is. Or isn't.

She does not sound all that remorseful and her promises are worthless. Talk is cheap - long term actions are what matters.

Now is the time for strategic planning and protecting yourself. I will go against the grain here and tell you - since she has offered to sign off on a post nup.. get it. Get the most one sided one the law allows (while they cannot be completely unreasonable - they can be surprisingly one sided). You may eventually end up getting divorced - but you will fair better now and in the future with a post-nup than with a divorce.