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Youve been through a helluva ordeal. All of us who post here have. Youre showing strength. But you still appear hesitant about finding an informing the OBS. Why? Look, do what you have to do to find an inform her. Your WW is playing you. I like others here feel the affair is still on-going. End it. Do the right an moral thing an find an tell the OBS ! Again tell no one you are going to tell her, just do it.

She thinks the affair partner is a good guy.

And as long as she thinks this you won't be able to R.

She needs to understand that a guy that will hook up with a married woman has no morals and that everything he has said to her are most likely lies just to get her in the sack. She is still in denial and will still pine for him until she realises all of this.

This is not the time to be soft with her, I'd really push on her the idea of going the D route until she "wakes up" from her delusional state.

What a mindfuck!!

It seems her aim is working. She knows you very well. She knows that you have all kinds of power to mess with her life in ways she could never recover from. Including having to pay you alimony and transfer half of her 401k and other assets to you. She works a lot of hours she would have no option other than to give you full custody and pay you child support.

Man. I think it is wise to adopt a wait and see approach. She talking the talk. How is she walking ? So she cancelled one of her plans to talk to you ? Really man it sounds like she is giving you crumbs. How starved are you that these seem to be enough to break your resolve ? She doesn't sound like a very attentive wife even before the A. Why would you want that back ? Don't confuse famliar with good.

Everything I have read about post nupts is that they are rarely enforced and can be thrown out by a judge easily. She likely knows that.

Further do not trust the words that come out of the mouth of a proven liar. Cheaters lie. It is their defining characteristic. Followed by selfishness. She is looking out for herself now.

You need to do the same.

Move ahead and file for D in January. Make sure she knows you are serious and only delay (not stop) it if she agrees to your terms unconditionally. She is used tio having a position of perceived power in your M. Take that away from her.

As a alternative to post nup, maybe she can provide OM Ws contact information so you can tell her ? Confess her deeds to her parents or someone else close to both of you ? That would prove her sincerity more than any empty promises she has made.

Other than words what has she actually done ? Stayed home one night ? She is keeping you close to see waht you can prove and how far you are willing to go.

FWIW I know that ounds harsh and I really am very sorry for waht you are going through. I've been reading here for awhile and it never ceases to amaze me when these stories are so similar and the BS get taken for a wild ride because they don't follow the advice given here.

If you hear nothing else right now. You under estmate the amount of power you have in your M right now to get everything you've ever wanted and more. Sure it would be 1000 times better to work to that amicably, but never every WS does that. They need to be reminded that their BS is not going to jus "take" everything that is handed to them.

Think on it. She is treating your a like a work client, project or negotiation. Is that what you want to be to her ? Another means to an end ?

Again sorry for what you are having to deal with.

She thinks the affair partner is a good guy.

And as long as she thinks this you won't be able to R.

She needs to understand that a guy that will hook up with a married woman has no morals and that everything he has said to her are most likely lies just to get her in the sack. She is still in denial and will still pine for him until she realises all of this.

^^^This^^^

It may take a while before she can change her mind.

I believe that being cheated on with adultery is akin to rape. It causes, by most accounts, worse pain and suffering. Would she say that about a rapist? "Well, he's really a good guy, even though he raped a teenage girl"

No, she would think he is evil scum that needs to rot in hell.

My WW thought the OM was so good at listening, "And he just wants me to be his friend!". Yeah until he got you in the back seat of his rusted Toyota Corolla...

Affairs ruin lives and destroy. Sometimes they drive people to suicide or murder. The pain is that bad for some. Still a good guy?

My WW still, for months, had feelings for her OM until I showed that he was indicted for harboring a 17 year old girl, less than half his age. My daughter is 17. So I asked my WW, "If OM seduced our daughter and she ran away from home and got screwed over and dropped out of school... would you still think he's a nice guy? He very well may have done that to someone daughter. Why else would he be indicted for harboring a 17 year old girl, someone less than half his age."

I guess the thing that finally did it was when I showed her he was hitting on another married woman. Her affair suddenly wasn't so special any more... she was just a cheating wife that fell for his bullshit and ruined her marriage and family.

Things really didn't start to turn around until she saw him for the piece of shit that he is.

Thanks for everyone's thoughts. Yesterday was tough for me. Finding out the affair started 2 months prior than I thought from what she initially told hit me late yesterday. This was just prior to our ten year anniversary vacation to HI. It didn't hit me to the next day and was like I found out for the first time again.

I still don't trust anything she says. But after we talked the next day she made an appt to see an I ic and CC'd me the email....And this morning she woke up came to me and handed me her phone unsolicited and said this is my password. She blocked the affair partners phone number which I asked her to do. The gps remains on her phone and she has not deleted it even though she knows about it. I know it does mean all too much at this point but are some positive first steps, maybe?

I will see if she follows through on the postnump.

She is still not super remorseful and does not show a lot of affection which I know are not good signs.

My plan was to file in early Jan. I think I will tackle the postnump, have few more ask and answer sessions to get more info and then ask her to do a poly. If I catch her in a lie I know it's the d. If she passes then I will probably need to get the groups advice for next steps.

Also, I still have to work up the courage to contact the other spouse. I think a letter is my only route at this point.

Don't tell your wife you're exposing to his wife. No warning.

If you do she will warn him and he'll either intercept or make you out to be crazy.

They'll be pissed. So what

You could drop by during work ours and see if she's home. While he's not.

The big problem you'll have is work contact. Calls, emails, etc. Make no mistake there's way to much temptation there.

You mentioned earlier, about a week and a half ago, concerns that something had happened at an after party. Makeup, seat backs, GPS unexplained half hour.

It sounds like you had a really positive 3 hour conversation. Were you able to get some satisfactory answers to some pretty serious concerns? Hoping good things for you going forward and praying for wisdom and clear thinking.

Pretend like the conversation with her never happened and proceed as planned. Take the post-nup asap though, if its on offer (but don't hold your breath while waiting for it to materialise).

Wow this almost what happened to me Friday November 2! I feel for you because I know what you must be going through. Only difference is my wife is an alcoholic on top of everything else.

Update.......

I went to bar last night with out the wife. Had a good time and took an Uber home.

My wife drove me to get my car this morning and told me she is then going to one of her best friends house for 2 hours to tell her about the affair. I asked why? She said when we had or talk I said it would be a good idea.

So in two days she made an appt with ic, gave me access to her phone, and telling someone about what she did.

Again not much remorse yet (although she did tear several times when we talked).

plan: continue 180 and she if her words continue to match her actions. Prep for divorce in early Jan as per earlier plan.

Actions are good. Words are meaningless.

Make no mistake your strength has to drive this if there is a chance to R. You should see now why begging, pleading trying to Mr Nice Guy her back never works.

Do not jump into R unless you feel like she will put the work in needed. Take your time. Everyone is on your time table.

I would explan to her what this has done to you and what you're going through and it doesn't hurt her knowing you have zero trust in her at this time.

Find a way to inform the other mans wife. It will send a statement that you don't take shit from anyone plus she deserves to know.

No warning. Let them deal with the fallout just like you are having to deal with the betrayal.

Do not make the mistake of skipping this step

[This message edited by Marc878 at 11:10 AM, December 11th (Sunday)]

How sure are you that she really went to BFF's home for the full 2 hours?

I have GPS on her phone so I know where she is.

When we talked I told her several times I don't trust anytime she tells me. I told her I don't even trust what she was telling me that night and that before we can make any sort of next step we need to build a foundation of trust not with words but with actions.

I definately talked to her about everything she stupidly risked by doing this like her marriage, family, job, career, ect... but I don't think I really told her how much pain she caused to me and the kids. I thought that would make me look weak, the opposite of the 180.

Nope. It's just a statement of how this has affected you. You do it with strength.

Example: this is what I've went through from your betrayal. devastating, nauseating to have to look at you, unable to eat, sleep, etc. I have no intentions in staying in a marriage like this. If I decide to give you a gift of R you have a lot of work to do but under the circumstances there are no guarantees I can live with this long term. R or not is your decision not hers.

Something to this effect. You need to give her a good perspective of the damage she's done. I would keep my distance no touching, sex, etc. it might be a good idea to move her out of the bedroom until you see which way you want to go with this. IMO I'd take my ring off until you get a better picture of how this is going to go. Actions on your part will speak louder than words as well.

At this time it's all about her and how she feels. She's not on the receiving end of this like you are and can't comprehend.

Your feelings matter.

Your wife's affair wasn't a mistake. It was a coldly calculated decision she made. Every time they met, texted, talked was a decision on her part.

You need the truth of everything in order to make your decision.

Don't be surprised if there are inappropriate pics, videos, etc.

At this time you probably only know "the tip of the iceberg"

Better get it all out up front so you know the full picture and don't have to keep dealing with this over and over again. Trickle truth is a killer. I'd request a timeline, etc.

Don't bury your head and hope it'll all workout.

R is a 2-5 year project with no guarantees. Make a good decision with all the facts. If not you could waste more years of your life with nothing to show for it.

R's just don't happen.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 12:08 PM, December 11th (Sunday)]

bump

Also, I still have to work up the courage to contact the other spouse. I think a letter is my only route at this point.

Don't end up regretting not doing this. You didn't cause this and there needs to be consequences. It gives you some closure. It also says I don't take it laying down.

No warning let them deal with it.

STD tests for your wife should be mandatory. Affair sex is always unprotected. Bank on it.

Stay strong no matter what

Hey all just wanted to give an update.

Not much has changed. We had a few more of talks mostly started by her as she noticed I was different/upset. It's probably just her noticing the 180 more. Most of these conversations revolved around me telling her how much she hurt this family and that I'm not going to be her plan b and that she needs to figure that out soon otherwise I won't be an option anymore.. I'm not sure this was smart but I said meet with the affair partner again to talk and see if he would leave his wife for you. See if you realize your just his piece of side ass. I think she realizes that's the case but needs to comes to terms with it. I told her just tell me when and where. Frankly, it doesn't matter even the plan backfired.

She is aware of that I catch her in any lie it's over.

She is very slowly starting to show remorse but not close to what is needed. I try to stay strong but she did catch me in the car one day crying. I said I was having a hard time dealing that day.

She will be seeing an ic this Friday. It took awhile to figure out the insurance but that was all her. We will be having our talk about finances after Christmas and about signing the document about shes responsible for her debt. She doesnt cling to her phone as much anymore.

She said maybe we can do something together as a couple the Monday after Christmas as the kids are at my parents that night. I'm hesitant but not sure if I should.

My plan is slightly changed as she is starting to make some progress albiet slow. I want to see how her ic goes and if anything changes over ther next few weeks. She wants me to see that ic too and eventually do mc together with the same counselor.

That's why I want to give it another few weeks to she how this plays out.

Before I agree to mc I would need the following......

Polygraph to determining she's told me the truth

She must understand and agree to work on her own issues why she choose to have an affair

Prove to me beyond a doubt that she is owning her actions and that I am her one and only option moving forward

If I don't get those I think my only option is the d.

Thanks for listening as always.