SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Please do NOT send that letter. She will interpret it as saying "Just reaffirming that your Plan B will always be here for you so don't sweat it - you can just keep on doing whatever you want." The letter doesn't give her any consequences for remaining unfaithful.

You need to see an attorney ASAP! She makes more than you, then she can pay you alimony and very possibly child support. You need to be documenting the time you spend with the kids and duties you perform re them vs what she does.

A letter is a waste of time and it makes you look weak and passive. It's like pouring your heart out hoping she'll stop and keep you. No More Mr Nice Guy wouldn't write this.

Trying to manipulate her isn't going to work. Affairs are addictive. As you've seen even confronting and them knowing you know didn't stop it did it? If they have contact the affair won't stop.

Move her ass out of the bedroom. Hard 180!!!! Your actions will define you.

You should have had a VAR in her car.

A PI can get you his wife's info. I doubt it'll cost you that much. Get this done and at least expose to her. Without warning don't play the weak passive approach of "if you don't stop I'm gonna tell on you,". You start down that road she'll ride you right into the ground.

Get strong right now!!!!!!

Contact your attorney and see if there are Alienation of Affrction laws in your state. If there is I'd put a PI on and see if I could sue hot compensation. I'd beg their company email will corroborate the affair.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:11 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

Please tell the other BS, for no other reason than that it is the decent thing to do. She deserves to know what is going on in her marriage. She may know already, she may not act on the information - these are her choices but she deserves to know. If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want to know?

This has nothing to do with the situation between you and your wife. It has to do with doing the right thing.

Do not tell your wife you are going to do this, do not threaten to tell the OBS to manipulate your wife, just do it.

I think you are almost there - you said you were trying to track her down. I am glad.

Take control of your marriage. Stay strong.

Do not send that letter. (Take if from someone who wanted to also send a letter and got great advice here not to.)

There is NOTHING decisive about that letter. In fact, it is the most indecisive letter I have read. I'm not sure what action you plan to take after reading it. You say you can't be her husband but then you say you'll wait until she decides. Makes zero sense.

Nothing says DECISIVE like being served D papers. Take if from me. I did IT! It knocked him off balance and from Day 1 the balance of power has been in my hands. That is what you want. Trust me.

I'm not saying this because you are a man, as I would even tell my female friends this but please, MAN UP! File. Get in the power position and direct this story of your life from there. Things can always change, be rescinded, slowed down, if/when she shows any willingness.

Good luck.

[This message edited by TurnOtherCheek at 5:03 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

You can expect the affair to heat up now. They both know you know and are doing nothing so they have no consequences.

Remember they will destroy you, your family and future.

You can't control him or her but you can yourself.

If it were me I'd keep my mouth shut and go full out for evidence. They are way ahead of you and you are doing whst? Writing letters? Your actions are what will count. Take off your wedding ring.

Do not make idle threats. It will just make you look weaker and result in even less respect.

Living in fear (which is your worst enemy) will get you nowhere very fast.

Better wake up quit being MR Nice Guy and get moving with a plan.

Exposure works wonders if it's well planned and executed without warning!!!!!!

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:07 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

day was 2 weeks ago after I figured things out and approached her about. She admitted to it and and said that that her priority was us as a family. She said she doesnt know if she loves him.

Nothing but lies is all you're going to get at this time

How much time do I give her to open up and start the process of healing. I have always been a pleaser and giving into her but I have come to realization our marriage may be over but I don't want this to go down hill and get nasty for the kids sake. I am willing to work on the marriage if she is.

This is probably what's gotten you where you are. Better read "No More Mr Nice Guy" again.

I'm sure they appreciate you being so nice about this. Doesn't do much got you though does it?

If you don't fix this they are going to walk all over you and the next relationship if this ends may not turn out any better.

Strength is attractive. You need to realize this.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:17 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

I do most of the household stuff, cleaning, kids lunches, and kids homework.

Stop this. Tell her from now on she pulls her share. It should be 50/50

Quit making and accepting excuses for her.

You change nothing nothing changes!!!!!

[This message edited by Marc878 at 5:24 PM, December 1st (Thursday)]

We are living in the same house and are cordial to each other but she seems even more distant after d-day. I set a boundary if she sees him again it is over. I also sought out a counselor to deal with my emotions which as you know are all over the place right now. We've been talking a little but it's me doing

She walked right over your boundary and you are doing what?

Idle threats will just enable and embolden their affair.

Words from you are meaningless.

goodguy:

Guilt tripping someone is a sign of weakness, and that is essentially what that letter is. Why? Because it is designed to covertly get her to turn away from her AP by guilt.

Think about that for a moment...

You are asking someone in the land of unicorns and rainbows, who is pursuing an illicit affair because it feels good, to choose guilt and the facing of her poor choices through guilt. In other words, you are trying to ask her to face consequences on her own when she is infatuated with the OM.

Instead, why don't you try the method of strength. Consult an attorney, get the orders in place to secure yourself, and file.

This will say everything you just said in that letter without saying a word, and will do so through actions, which is the definition of strength. Saying is weak; doing is strong.

Thank you.

After reading your responses about the letter I realize how weak I am. It's been 4-5 weeks after dday. I've tried to do the 180 but I see I was trying to do it to get her back and not for me.

I know I've said this before but I know divorce is my only option now. I don't know why I'm so devoted to her. She doesn't love me, doesn't do anything for me I can't believe I haven't seen how she is so selfish. I found out this morning she doesn't even walk the kids to the bus stop. She makes my 7 and 9 y.o. Go themselves. Wtf

I've seen 2 divorce lawyers 2 weeks ago and I felt better. I know I need to prepare for this and will meet with him next week again to formulate a strategy.

I took pictures of her credit cards last night. Getting my financial accounts set up. My lawyer told me to wait until after the holidays to file as it will help me out with alimony but I'll see what he says next week.

Today is the first day I feel ok. I am able to concentrate at work and get stuff done.

Oh I called a PI to see if they could get me the obs contact number. He informed me no because of liability. He said if I tell them and something bad happens I can be held criminally and civilly responsible. Not sure I'm going to go that rout now. I don't think it's worth it for me if I'm going to do the divorce thing. I know I may have the upper hand wiith her about telling our work about the affair.

Thanks so much for your words. I will keep you updated

if you have his name you should be able to pull an address from an online service. Usually cheap. You could work from there. I would once I got my evidence expose to family and friends, HR (better consult your attorney). No warning just do it all st once. This will get you some closure and help make you into a stronger person who takes control of his destiny.

No matter what I'd move her out of my bedroom take off my wedding ring. These are actions. If you see an attorney don't tell her. Just get your life in order.

You need to fix yourself. Being weak, passive and doing way more than your share need to resolved for your future. This is your life too. Figure out what you want.

[This message edited by Marc878 at 10:27 AM, December 2nd (Friday)]

Hey GG...glad you updated everyone.

Listen, don't feel bad about the 180 and how hard it is to do, there is not 1 (well maybe a couple) BS's on here who did not struggle with the 180 concept at first. In fact I can remember printing that list out when I first saw it and I thought "I Can Do This!" and I literally failed at almost all of them at first. I would re look at the list and have to re examine it and re think it and then it just got to the point where I would pick just 1 thing and try to conquer just 1 before moving onto another.

So many times a BS will see the 180 and think it is a tool to get the WS back and it is exactly NOT THAT. It is to be used as a guide to help the BS get stronger once again in a relationship that they themselves have not realized for quite awhile has become very unbalanced. As you said yourself, you have never realized until now how selfish your WS has been, many BS's by this point have not as well. It is crazy to us how we have even let ourselves get to this point and how we never saw it...or in many cases just kept burying the bad stuff or sweeping things aside to "keep the relationship".

Again....you are not alone. We all have done it in one form or another, that is what brings us all here.

You are only a few weeks out, don't beat yourself up. You have been hit with a tsunami of pain and you are trying to deal with whatever you can deal with at the moment. We try to always say on here, take care of yourself first, listen to your attorney, get your ducks in a row financially, get a good IC for yourself to help you thru this horribly emotional time and take it day by day.

I have a funny feeling that your WS won't know what hit her when the time comes....they all usually think it all is about them, and they are so far gone down the rabbit hole they cannot see the destruction they themselves have caused, they are only moving along with those "feel good" juices that are false, but like a drug they can't seem to stop doing.

We all hear you, you are not alone.

You don't tell the obs simply because it's "worth it" to you. You tell her because she deserves to know the truth about her marriage,every but as much as you do.

You have a forum full of people,of betrayed spouses,here helping you,even though they're in pain....And you won't tell the obs...the one betrayed spouse YOU can help..because it's not worth it to you?

In the time I've been here, many private investigators have found the obs's information for a BS. Sure...something bad could happen...but that wouldn't make you liable for anything. Informing someone of the truth isn't a criminal offence. If something bad happens,it's the responsibility of whoever did wrong. If a person commits a crime, it is that person's fault. Period.

Not telling her makes you an accomplice in the affair. It also makes you the other man's new best friend. He will think he really hit the jackpot when he decided to fuck your wife. Not only does he get laid, her husband helps them hide it.

You tell because it's the right thing to do.

And you don't need a PI to find his wife.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:41 AM, December 2nd (Friday)]

I know I've said this before but I know divorce is my only option now. I don't know why I'm so devoted to her. She doesn't love me, doesn't do anything for me I can't believe I haven't seen how she is so selfish. I found out this morning she doesn't even walk the kids to the bus stop. She makes my 7 and 9 y.o. Go themselves. Wtf

Read up on codependency. You are probably seeing her for who she is for the first time. Love is blind.

Take her down off the pedestal you've put her on.

Your reality will make you stronger and you're going to need it.

Your life and future should not depend on her.

Have you told the other betrayed spouse yet? IMO you have a moral obligation to do so. Also it will stop the affair.

I thing she met him again after a work party this week and my GPS tracking on her in the parking deck for 30 minutes after she left the party. Came home chewing gum and the front passenger seat way way back. Her make eye make up was a little messed up too.

You should tell her to find somewhere else to sleep but not in your bed. Do not move out of your room. Take of your wedding ring. Your actions mean more than words.

Go your own way. As far as waiting until after the holidays that's always a good excuse to do nothing. Reality is best sooner than later.

Most stay paralyzed by fear for some time and wait for the wayward to decide their fate. Do you really want a cheating liar to decide your fate? Taking charge of your life is the best thing you can do. If not they will walk all over you.

Good luck

Have you checked to se if OMW is on Facebook?

your pi is full of it.

i did close personal protection (very high end bodyguard)for almost 2 decades. most of my friends are in the security field in one way or another ranging from PI to the FBI hostage rescue team. my point is that i know LOTS of people in the field.

this claim about the phone number is stupid. the reason he doesnt want to do it is that this side of their business is very low income for them so many no longer do it. hes dealing with economics. the phone software they use to scan for numbers and find matches is slow, costs a bit, and nets them very little in the terms of returns. what the PI is really saying is that its not worth his time and trouble to do this because he wont get much money from doing this and he might get blowback. so he doesnt want to get involved.

I tried online services got what was old email addresses and numbers. No social media on her only her adult kids from s previous marriage.