SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The background:

Together for 13 years, married for 9. No kids. Met in Canada, then lived in Asia for 6 years, New Zealand for 3 and currently back in Asia. Originally followed my job but last two spots were really about optimising both our jobs (so we both gave a little).

Both worked demanding jobs with global roles, both while competing at elite level in sport up until a couple of years ago. Would train together when our seasons intersected and both enjoyed that. Had amazing vacations all over the world, loved travelling together. Never had any 'real' fights at all. Had differing sex drives, mine higher, which was our only real issue (at least to my knowledge). Just this last year or so had decided we would try for a kid, something I had always resisted - I will admit I agreed to it somewhat reluctantly.

Beginning of October, a day after our 9th wedding anniversary (where we had a great night out an amazing restaurant), two days before our vacation, and after breakfast my wife turned to me and said, "I think we should break up". I laughed and said "Fuck off, quit joking." She responded that she wasn't joking and also that she had fucked her ex-boyfriend while she was overseas looking after her father (recovering from some heart issues). Said he had contacted her on FB when he found out she was in town, wanted to show her his new car, and they then agreed to go for a hike. Then the day she was leaving to fly, they got together and shagged. Said it was a one-time thing, it was stupid, etc. She then finished with saying I was her best friend but that she now felt the marriage was a sham and wasn't committed to it.

I have been explicitly clear at all points that fucking someone other than me was a no go. I told her to get out, to which she responded she thought that was what I would say and so had booked a serviced apartment for the month. I went and walked around for a couple of hours and she was gone when I got back. A couple of days later I went on our vacation by myself, though met up with several friends there for week.

She contacted me a couple of days later wanting to talk about our 'feelings about the situation' and what were going to do. I told her I will only discuss what we are going to do with our finances and assets. We met, I provided her an agenda for how the discussion was going to go, and we discussed how we would split our cash, investment and real estate holdings. I told her we can apply for immediate divorce if she admits adultery, otherwise we need to be separated for a year - don't think she liked that option. Also told her I wanted her to get an STD test. She cried a lot, I gritted my teeth so hard I think I cracked a molar. as it's hurt ever since.

She has only told her family we are breaking up, with no details of why, and no one knows anything else. My family and friends all know the whole story and have been very supportive - unfortunately my best friends live in other countries. Conveniently, my parents had a trip booked to visit us and so they've been with me for the past few weeks.

But I feel like my whole life has imploded. The first few weeks I honestly don't think I could believe it. I'd be out training and just start crying. I would actually just laugh to myself about how unreal this all was. I still struggle at times to believe that I am alone.

I also struggle to understand how she could do this to me, to us. I know it doesn't really matter 'why'. She did it, and she knew how I would take that. I'm certain there were things I could have done better in the relationship, but I was kind, loving, generous, incredibly supportive of her in sport and work. She was never good at communicating her feelings, consistent with the rest of her family. So my not knowing this was going down does not imply I'm completely unobservant.

I think I'm transitioning from disbelief to anger, interspersed with epic sadness. I really did think we were always going to be together, I thought she was the love of my life. I thought people in relationships were supposed to discuss their problems and try to work through them - that at least the relationship, and each other, deserved that much respect. I was wrong about her, about our relationship, about our future. And I feel incredibly betrayed, I thought this was a team effort. And that hurts.

I don't know why I'm telling a bunch of people I've never met about this. I suppose it's somewhat because I've read quite a bit on here over the last few days and don't want to feel that I'm just taking without giving. Though what I'm giving other than my sorrow download I can't be certain. Maybe it's because I know she'll be back from her 3 week work trip and I expect there will be contact. And I know that will be very, very hard. Maybe I'm also just writing this so I can see it all in one place instead of swirling about in my head. Thanks for giving me the airtime.

My heart and sympathy goes out to you. I can't give any advice because I'm going through it right now, but this place does have some very nice and helpful people in it. Sorry for all the hurt your feeling right now.

Sounds like she was pretty brutal in telling you this. Believe her.

You now see her for who she is not who you thought she was. You've handled it way better than most. It will take awhile for your heart to sync up to your mind.

IMO infidelity never goes away especially in the way she told you. Let her go as fast as possible. I'd file for adultery and get this over with. Make it your decision not hers.

If you don't this could linger for 1-2 years.

No contact except for business or D is your best bet to move on the best.

Marc878,

I do believe her, no matter how much I wish I didn't at times. Unfortunately, I can't unilaterally file for adultery here without hard proof (of which I have none other than her comment that one day), so she will need to agree or we'll need to separate for a year. But divorce is most certainly going to be occur. I want over with as fast as possible. I could never be back with someone who could do this to me, I know I deserve to be treated as I treated her - with respect.

And yes, I am just beginning to realise how long it will take for my heart to sync with my mind.

letdown2016,

Thanks mate, and I'm sorry you're going through this shit storm as well. It will end at some point, we both just have to remember that.

This:

Said he had contacted her on FB when he found out she was in town, wanted to show her his new car, and they then agreed to go for a hike. Then the day she was leaving to fly, they got together and shagged. Said it was a one-time thing, it was stupid, etc.

Does not make sense of this:

She then finished with saying I was her best friend but that she now felt the marriage was a sham and wasn't committed to it.

Thus, I would say this:

Said he had contacted her on FB when he found out she was in town ... it was a one-time thing

is a lie. I think she had more contact with him prior to that, maybe planned ahead of time to meet up with him, then at some point she decided the relationship with other man was solid enough, and that's when you were told "the marriage was a sham." That's how these things go more often than not. Very very rarely are there "coincidences" and "one-offs." Oh, there are a lot of those in the stories from the cheaters, but they almost always wind up being lies.

And consider that (1) he contacted her out of the blue and (2) to tell her he wanted to show his car (?!?!?!?!?) and (3) they hiked (so she really didn't spend much time with the ailing father, did she? She spent most of the time there with him) and (4) they had sex as a "good-bye" fuck as a "one-time thing"?!?!?!? When you read enough cheating stories, you can spot one of these thousands of miles away.

The number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. The number two sign of cheating is behavior - distant, cold, and everything you say or do annoys her.

In retrospect, was she hiding/guarding the phone, her accounts? Changed her passwords? Found you annoying? Yes, one night with the anniversary celebration she was all happied up, but in the windup toward her trip, the month or so before, and during and right after, what was her behavior like? If you could look at her phone records during that time, you could check to see if there is any phone number that is unusually frequent.

Not that it matters much if you are divorcing her.

wk55hn,

Oh there certainly could have been more contact than she said, and more preliminaries on FB than she let on. I have no doubt she minimised what she told me. But she didn't contact him on the phone, at least more than a couple times when she was there, I have all her passwords and her phone and credit cards are all joint (as she is on my employment visa and can't get her own in her name). I still have them. Further, the ex-boyfriend is a 14 hour flight away on a different continent. It was May this year when she cheated on me so there were many months between the act and her telling me.

She was always in a great mood with me, we spent heaps of time together, trained together and didn't have any arguments. Plannned our upcoming trips, went out with friends. All was completely and utterly normal. Her heading to see her father was spur the moment, it was 4 days after he'd had the heart problems. Her oldest and best friend didn't even know until I told her that she had admitted to cheating and had left.

She was with the father all but at least two of the nights she was away (who knows about during the day) as we facetimed every night except those days.

But as you said, it doesn't really matter. She lied, she cheated and she's gone. I love her, I miss her enormously and every day is a real struggle. And there's a lot more still to work through. But that's what I have to do.

RB, sorry for your situation, glad you found us. You seem to have a lot in common with another member, Spaceghost. He gained celebrity status here due to his decisiveness and immediately getting himself out of infidelity. Here is a link to his thread maybe it will help you some.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=552588&AP=361

This looks like an exit affair to me. The cold, casual way she brought up the "break up" and the fact that she didn't really hold anything back, quickly told her family, and had a place to stay lined up. That took a bit of planning and it doesn't jive with the typical bullshit that most cheaters spew. I could be wrong though, I am no expert on this stuff.

I know this is incredibly painful. I have been there. It may not seem evident now, but the fact you don't have kids with her is a true blessing. You can rid yourself completely of this cheating woman with no lingering ties. You truly can have a fresh start in life. Count your blessings there amigo.

You can try to work through this mess somehow. I'm in the midst of doing this myself. There are some things I've come to realize. It honestly never completely "goes away". There are constant nagging reminders - mind movies, triggers, and simply wondering wtf. There is no going back to "before". Reconciliation is incredibly hard and the end result is questionable. Again, this is in my opinion.

Oh, and be careful with the anger. It can consume you if you let it. Seek anger management counseling or speak with your doctor if you feel like it's having a profound impact on your life.

I agree with stayedforthekids. It definitely sounds like an exit A. Very few WS admit the A because of guilt. My guess is that she's had more contact with him online since seeing him in May and that is why she doesn't love you and isn't committed anymore. She may have intentionally kept contact off of her phone so that you would buy her story of it being a one-time thing without further contact.

Be thankful you didn't have kids with her. Now untangling your lives won't be as hard as it could have been. You will be baggage free when you start looking for a faithful woman.

RB - You are doing great. You have the correct mindset in dealing with your WW.

She wanted her fun and now she gets to feel the consequences. The sad part is that they don't understand and I don't know if they ever will understand how much their actions affected us.

Talk to a lawyer and figure out what your options are. Take care of yourself.

I want to echo what Stayed said. You are one of the lucky ones, with no kids. She has given you a gift by showing you who she can be before you got kids involved. Now you can move on and make a new life for yourself.

It is going to hurt and take some getting use to, but you will be ok and you will heal quicker than the betrayed partners who get stuck trying to nice their spouses back.

You are doing great. Keep it up.

Best of luck to you.

I'm not in your type of position, though if I were I would hope I could be as solid as you are right now!

Don't try to nice her back, it won't work...she has made her decision already so the best thing you can do is continue your course with legal counsel and D.

Please make sure you get yourself tested for STDs (and again in 6 months) even if she relents and gets tested...and be sure NOT to sleep with her again no matter what (pregnancy trap?).

Keep your head up and take care of yourself first, and be on guard with her in everything.

I do appreciate that I have it 'easy' compared to some on here. No kids certainly makes it cleaner. Though kinda funny, she went on fertility meds a month after she got back from banging her ex. And I went and had my swimmers tested to check their strength (not bad, a few were bewildered apparently). She is nearly 40 and I'm mid-40s so thought this was prob our last good chance for a sprog. Luckily the 10k of drugs didn't work!!

I also have it 'easy' in that she seems to want to move on. I know it will be very hard if she has a change of heart (if she can find her heart) and decides she wants to come back. I'm not doing that, no way, but I know it would be brutal to deal with.

I'm also lucky that I went through a bad breakup with a long-time girlfriend about 15 years ago (who also cheated on me). Did everything wrong, tried to 'nice' her back, the pick me dance bullshit, etc. It really screwed me up and I spent a few months with a therapist learning to look after me again, learn my real value. I learned a lot from that, about setting boundaries and communicating clearly my needs and wants. And not taking shit. That's given me some clarity of direction with respect to her actions and how I should respond. I clearly didn't learn enough about choosing a good partner though!!!

But it's damn hard. I tend to finish many of my training sessions with a few tears right now.

I also have it 'easy' in that she seems to want to move on. I know it will be very hard if she has a change of heart

First off I want you to know that I'm not trying to change your mind. Given that, I suspect she was unable to live with the guilt, especially with the fertility ritual, and decided to tell you about the affair knowing that there wouldn't be a second chance. In other words, she is making this as easy on you as she can. She's still a cheater, but somewhere down deep she has some respect and love for you. I don't know where you go with that other than maybe hate her for the affair, but in time forgive her because she was honest and knew she wronged you.

Deserta,

Thanks for your note, and don't worry...I'm not changing my mind. I do think she feels guilt over it, and I agree she may be trying to make it 'easy' on me. I certainly hate her for cheating, and the inability to respect me enough to discuss her perceived issues with the marriage prior to cheating...ok, and for continuing to live and feign love for me after cheating. I don't think she is the devil incarnate, but she is definitely fucked up in terms of what she wants and how an adult should treat her spouse.

She is nearly 40

Something about that milestone if hitting "40", mix in poor health of a family member to get her thinking about mortality...

Man, I tell you that mid-life for some is like a last gasp of "youth's" final days. Desperation sets in and they stare into today's version of the "vanity mirror" called facebook, looking for something, anything, that can enable them to preserve whatever is left of their younger self. I think wk55hn is closer to the truth that this "one time thing" was a LOT longer than she wants to explain. I'm guessing here that your STBXW hooking up with the exBF of the past was an attempt to "time-travel" back to that era to see where things might have gone. Some folks can't simply just run that scenario through their head. They need to act it out in full. Imagine what some of these folks need to "act out" if the scenario wasn't with just "past loves". She said the douche bag had a new car, right? Was it a Delorean with a flux capacitor and a Mr. Fusion Home Energy Reactor installed in the back? Well, she can't unfuck that goat and get Back to the Future with you anymore!

All kidding aside, RickyBobby, I gotta hand it to you for sticking to your principals. You learned much from your first experience with infidelity and have employed the lessons learned in now your second experience with it. You are so much further on your path out of infidelity than most of us were on our initial Dday that your decisiveness and quick action has allowed you to avoid the prolonged mental abuse of the "pick me dance". Limbo is absolute hell. With respect to the pain of betrayal and having to deal with it, process it, and move on I don't think you have it easier than anyone else here. If there is anything 'easier' about your situation is that like you said you have been down this road before. You know what is to come in your path of healing. You already of that map to get out of infidelity. I strongly agree you are very fortunate that because there are no children involved you do not have to deal with that pain as well.

I'm also lucky that I went through a bad breakup with a long-time girlfriend about 15 years ago (who also cheated on me).

I'm assuming here that she was intimately very well aware of this in your past, correct? That's quite the special little "fuck you" to a betrayed spouse. Can anyone imagine what it be like if a person was viciously attacked by a dog in his/her past and suffered deep trauma from it, then 10 years into the marriage their knowing spouse surprises them with a fucking full grown spike collared rottweiler for Christmas? Insensitive! Times a million!

I clearly didn't learn enough about choosing a good partner though!!!

Well, if you have not read it already google up No More Mr. Nice guy. There's a free pdf document floating out there somewhere, or just buy the book. Even though you've done the work with your therapist in the past to reclaim yourself there might be something in that book that you can identify with that wasn't covered. That book has helped a LOT of men here recognize the self destructive behaviors we unkowningly employed and how some of that can be a beacon to attract broken ass people into our lives then it's rinse, recycle, repeat. Fixing your "picker" needs to be a real priority, expecially now. Mid-40s dudes, especially ones that are or get in shape, become high in demand in the dating scene. This is one of the pleasant (or scary) surprises many of us fellas around our 40s run into. Generally, your problem won't be finding dates, but filtering out the broken. For starters, like you mentioned -

She was never good at communicating her feelings, consistent with the rest of her family.

That is now one of your red flags to inivestigate in a future partner. Don't ignore that one.

But to go back to a question in your initial post -

I don't know why I'm telling a bunch of people I've never met about this.

It is somewhat cathartic to get your story out there, isn't it? I think another reason is you want to know if what you are doing and how you are going about this is right. Speaking for myself, I think you are not only correct in your decision to move on but also got your plan on doing so is well executed. Whatever the reasons I do want to thank you for posting your story for others to read and to learn from your experience. Believe me when I say that is certainly a large contribution to this site. As many different stories of infidelity that is shared here, there are some commonalities in all of them, yet there are specific scenarios and circumstances that many can identify with. There is a member or more that is now reading or have read your story and can not only identify with it but knows they are not alone in their own ordeal.

I also have it 'easy' in that she seems to want to move on. I know it will be very hard if she has a change of heart (if she can find her heart) and decides she wants to come back. I'm not doing that, no way, but I know it would be brutal to deal with.

I agree that it will be brutal. That old saying "You don't know what you had until it is gone." will be ever so highlighted, bolded, underined, and italicised in her mind when she realizes all the good you brought into her life is no more, and her new Marty McFucktard doesn't even come close to measuring up to you. I think a lot of these "walk away wives" who execute these exit affairs for something they perceive is "better" will rarely openly admit to how their new life has come so short of expectations in the end if that was the case. You should make yourself very scarce when that realizes the gravity of her choices.

Thanks for the note Jduff. I have read No More Mr. Nice Guy and not much of it resonates with me, though it would have with the me 15 years ago. But it's still good advice to remind myself of the key points and, most importantly, to remind myself to keep asking myself 'why'. Why do I feel this way? Why do I do this or that? I find the self-inquiry aspect was my biggest learning before and the one I need to continue to apply in my life.

Funny, many of the aspects in that book would apply much better to her than I! I thought about sending it to her, but then decided that's someone else's problem now.

However, I agree the poor communication of feelings is a red flag and one I need pay attention to. My wife is almost the polar-opposite of past girlfriends in all ways, however the comms issue may be the one consistency. I intend to have a good, long time to work on my 'picker' before I enter another serious relationship!

I also agree that the mid-life, approaching 40, was likely a contributing factor to what she has done. And agree that the cheating was a real 'fuck you' given the discussions we had had. Fuck her.

Hoping to meet with the lawyer today or tomorrow. Not much they can advise me on other than I want them to draft an agreement that won't allow her to come after me in one of the other countries in which we have assets and ties. I'm trying to keep everything amicable but she doesn't seem to be doing anything to progress this so I'm forcing the issue.

Sorry you're going through this.

I also am not trying to change your mind. You are handling this nightmare really admirably. I do agree with Deserta's thoughts above that the confession was perhaps borne out of guilt.

She had months to let the memory of her actions settle - they weren't shocking to her anymore. She knew about your past relationship, so likely would assume it would be over once you found out. Perhaps the coldness in her delivery was from it all feeling surreal herself...I don't know.

Crap.

tryingmybest2011,

Thanks for your note - and you won't change my mind :-) I never would have found out if she hadn't told me - he's a 14 hour flight away on a different continent. I do agree she probably has guilt about it and the time for her to get used to it is what allowed her to be so straight forward and mercenary about it. I know she's not a monster (though she is a reasonable facsimile thereof).

But it so weird that she's not part of my life anymore. The strangest things set me off, bring forth a memory that has tastes, smells and feelings. A hair trigger that can be triggered by the most mundane things.

I put a great deal of effort into NOT allowing my brain to think about what she did with him, what she is doing now. That's energy I need to devote to myself and not to someone who wasn't worth me and certainly isn't worth me.

Just keeping on keeping on. Just booked 3 days of cat skiing with friends and 7 days at the ski resort with my parents and my brother. Need to make some new memories.

Bit of an update.

My mother sent my wife a brief email saying she doesn't understand what is going on, that my wife has really hurt me and our family, but acknowledging that this is between my wife and I. She concluded the note by stating she hopes my wife "finds the happiness" she is looking for. My mother showed this to me after she sent it.

So last night my wife responded to my mother saying that she knows she has hurt everyone, she is very sorry and that she knows she "doesn't deserve RickyBobby's love, respect or trust" (from memory, I don't have the email but my mother showed me). That same sentiment was repeated a couple times in the note. I haven't had any communications with her in 2+ weeks so at least she's not trying to apologise to me.

So this may fit with what some here have said, that she at least realises she screwed up and feels some guilt about it. Who knows. Doesn't excuse it and the way she dealt with our marriage in any way though. Nothing has changed, see my lawyer on Monday.

(I have to laugh when I replace my name with RickyBobby :-)