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She seems to be in a fog and feels like she has options you or him. Take control she has no options if she wants to save the marriage. Out her out with the family so she can feel the guilt and shame . No contact with OW needs to be priority and you have to read texts to understand why you are here.

She doesn't think she's having an affair. She thinks she is in love with two men and maybe we got married too early and that this dude could be her "soulmate". I'm starting to think she has some undiagnosed mental thing going on seriously.

She told me the other man wants to be with her and she isn't even convinced that I want to be with her judging by me acting distant all of a sudden. She said she is ending their contact and we can work on our marriage. It could be a trap so I'm getting my stuff in order before then. I'm not letting her break my heart anymore since there's nothing left with break. I'm just filled with anger at this point.

There is no chance of her quitting the affair if she is still working with him.

Google divorce laws about alimony in your state. Though many warn about higher alimony if she quits or is fired or one single poster I have ever seen in many years has been able to give an example of it. In my state it for sure doesn't make a difference as judges determines alimonyAND child support on what the spouse has been making previously.

Open your own accounts and close anything you cAn before she runs up any bills.

Remember you can't believe anything she says or trust her out of your sight.

Btw, you should contact her parents if you haven't already.

You should also contact his wife/exwife and get the run down on him. Half the time the divorce story is a lie.

Be cautious because she may try to Hoover you in now - showing affection and trying to have sex with you to try and convince you to change your mind.

Do not have sex with her. If she ended up pregnant it would add a whole other layer of complications.

She doesn't think she's having an affair. She thinks she is in love with two men and maybe we got married too early and that this dude could be her "soulmate".

She told you those words exactly. Stuff like that does not make reconciliation easy and it doesnt make forgiving easy.

I'm starting to think she has some undiagnosed mental thing going on seriously.

Hard to say, child sex abuse and or low self esteem can cause this.

I have read numerous stories on here about the WW being a virgin and the old 7 year itch...the WW thinks they are missing something else and want to find out.

Is this OM older than your wife?

I'm not letting her break my heart anymore since there's nothing left with break.

If there's one thing I learned is it always get's worse and there's always more.

There were so many times I thought "There's no way this could get worse"...then she'd surprise me.

I thought "She's hurt me enough. No more!"...and she found a way.

Until you're out and no contact and licking your wounds (or she's truly remorseful and you're in R ) there will always be more.

So sorry about the new information you have found. I would like to offer a few things for you to plan for. Once she is served, there will be two possible actions she takes.

1. "I'm sad, but I can now be with OM and live in LaLa land!!"

2. "OH SHIT!!! What have I done! I don't want to lose you and will do whatever it takes to keep you." If this is the action she takes, and you want to offer her R, please keep in mind the following things that she HAS to do.

- NC. You and her create a NC letter/email that you make sure he gets. After that, no more contact ever!!!! If he contacts her, she HAS to tell you.

- She must quit her job. There is no way you can R and have any piece of mind if she is seeing him everyday.

- Total TRUTH!!! She has to come clean with everything. Have her write a timeline with every interaction in the detail that you are comfortable with. Somehow, someway she has to understand that we BS's can deal with the A, but the continued lies and TT will kill the M.

- After the timeline, a polygraph. This is a must, and if she has been TTing you will get more truth when you show up for the polygraph. (others on here can give you more info on a poly).

Praying for you!

She thinks she is in love with two men and maybe we got married too early and that this dude could be her "soulmate"...she isn't even convinced that I want to be with her judging by me acting distant all of a sudden.

That's an all too classic invitation for you to do the "Pick Me!" dance while she is doing nothing other than finding ways to take the affair underground. The points to note are:

1. It's "your fault" because you aren't trying hard enough to show her love.

2. This guy is her "soulmate" and you are a mistake.

3. She isn't 100% committed. She isn't quitting her job. She isn't seeing that she is at fault. She isn't even willing to call it an affair. She isn't pursuing IC (individual counseling) for herself -- she just wants to go to MC (marriage counseling) where she can try to claim everything is your fault and get you to agree to her demands.

It is all an attempt to fencesit. Don't allow it. Your non-negotiable requirements are:

- NC (no contact) and that includes finding a different job

- Honesty. Admitting it was an affair is a starting point, but she needs to tell the truth about everything. No blameshifting, manipulation or control.

- Transparency. You get access to everything. There are no secret accounts. Deleting isn't allowed.

- IC. She's broken and needs to want to figure out why that is.

Anything short of that and she isn't reconcilation material.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 11:44 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

this dude could be her "soulmate". I'm starting to think she has some undiagnosed mental thing going on seriously

They always think it's a "soulmate" thing. And because she is in la la fantasy land it does seem like she has some mental issue (to us BS)...but more often than not it's the affair itself that makes them seem crazy. Granted there could be some underlying personality flaw that would make her engage in the affair...but you are better served not trying to pick her brain apart as it will make YOU nuts.

and she isn't even convinced that I want to be with her

blameshifting/justification/mental gymnastics...right out of the cheater script

judging by me acting distant all of a sudden.

I guess her affair is supposed to make you feel all warm & fuzzy

She said she is ending their contact and we can work on our marriage

They still work together...no contact is a farce. And "working on the marriage" to me, has always been a statement devoid of any remorse, or love, or anything that shows the BS they are loved & coveted by the WS.

Don't feel bad about filing for divorce. It wasn't your decision, it was hers.

You are just doing what she forced you to do

Maybe they really are soulmates. You never know. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to get in the way of true love.

True too, maybe she got married too soon. In that case, would she be sowing her wild oats or would she be stepping into "Mom" mode with OM's 2 kids? A lot of interesting possibilities.

Too bad you are not helping her. If you loved her, you would compete against other man. She has thrown down the gauntlet. She is wondering if you love her.

Personally, what I would do is let other man have her full time, and you can be the man on the side. Let him put up with all her bullshit. After she is with you can every day, she can go back to OM and he can deal with her attention deficit.

[This message edited by wk55hn at 12:41 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry...it just sucks.

I'm going to put my .02 out there and you can take it or leave it.

I would like to believe there aren't too many inherently bad or mean people. Our circumstances and life story lead us in places sometimes we don't even recognize.

I am a BS and first and foremost; you must take care of you. You will be in no position to understand your WW for a long while yet and even if there is something to understand; it still does not in any way, shape, or form excuse her poor, poor decisions.

I watched this play out in my sister's M. She also married young and her love language is affection. Well, that wasn't her H's. But instead of TELLING him, she convinced herself he didn't care about her and started to look for attention elsewhere. We, her family, didn't know all of this at the time but when we realized where she was heading - we begged and pleaded with her to see the truth of what she was doing but as everyone has already mentioned; once they get in "la la land"...they are no longer themselves. We couldn't get through to her and she DESTROYED her life and M only to realize after the fact what she had done when she came out of the fog.

I guess my point is...she did come out of the fog and recognized truth for what is was.

I understand people's advice about not giving her anything and being strong and steeling yourself against her....I'm just not sure if it's the right advice. Don't be a doormat obviously but you also don't have to cut her out until you are sure she is not actually interested in R especially since you do love her.

Put things in place for her to do as others have suggested (no contact with OM, she needs to TALK and tell you whatever you want to know, and get yourselves both to an IC). Please, if you have a trusted friend or couple that you could talk to...tell them. Together if possible.

I guess above all....be honest. You do care - so don't pretend you don't. Be careful with what you say (an IC will help!) but talking instead of ignoring can be very effective.

See it over and over from the threads that WWs post on LS. They will pine for YEARS for a guy they had a short affair with. I'm talking married mothers in marriages over 10 years justifying their actions. Questioning having married to early. Basically wishing their own kids away. But then in another breath they believe they're good mothers.

Sometimes its just a EA that she throws her marriage away for. Read of a woman married for 16 years with 4 kids that had a EA with some light kissing. She broke it off out of guilt because he was having a baby. Classy guy huh? The MM reached out to her a year later and rocked her world. All the posters told her to not respond. She stopped posting for 2 months then comes back announcing that they're both blowing up their marriages to be together.

I say all this to demonstrate that once a WW is fogged up, it is VERY hard to snap her back to reality. Most times the OM is a step down from their husband. They understand logically that they're making a mistake but they can't help themselves.

Kids stability and forcing the BH to be a part time dad. Don't care. I must follow my heart.

I don't think they are soul mates. I think we are as dumb as that sounds with the current situation were in. She has completely destroyed my view on "love and marriage" and now I can't even stand to look at her. I've held her more times while she was crying than I can count. She tore her ACL from dancing and I did so much for her during that time and she seemed to appreciate it so much. We have had countless hours of sex and our bedroom wasn't even dead before this, 2-3 times a week we would have sex.

@wk55hn

I don't know what you're implying. I do love my wife but what the hell am I supposed to do? Literally dance and scream pick me pick me? I would never put her through this kind of thing because I actually care deeply about her. The other guy is a downgrade from me for sure, but it's still fucking hard with my ego. There is only so much I can do for her at the moment. She's stupid for doing this to someone who would have literally died for her.

One of her best friends actually informed me that she was having this affair after she confessed because "she couldn't keep the secret anymore and she's sorry". The whole workplace probably knows and I look like a joke. The wife doesn't know her friend contacted me but her friend said if I told my wife she contacted me she wouldn't blame me and was apologizing.

[This message edited by manualgtr at 1:32 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

So has she confirmed that sex from last week based on what you read?

A woman in the fog loses her mind. To send nude pics to a guy she's known a few months is crazy in this day and age. Her pics could end up in porn sites.

I agree with poster above with letting her know of the love you have for her. Doesn't mean to stop march toward filling d. But don't let us know you would die for her but not let her know. Nothing weak about letting her know what she threw away.

Wow! I'm sorry you had to read those messages but I'm glad you did. You have found your anger and are no longer waiting for her to "come out of the fog". Does she know you have read the messages?

Anyway, you are doing great even if you feel like hell. I think she is starting to understand what she has done... now she needs to know what it will take for you to consider "working on the marriage".

Think about what she would need to do to help you heal. The following should be on my list.

- NC letter to OM that you READ before she sends.

- Find a new job.

- Full transparency (access to phone, computer..)

- IC - to figure out why she did it.

- Read How to help your spouse heal from the Affair type book and discuss.

- Write a timeline when they would meet and what they did...who knew about the Affair? who encouraged it...

- Realize that having a baby is on hold for a few years.

She thinks that since she has "chosen" you things will get back to normal... except you might give her more attention. She needs to understand the huge amount of damage she has done to her marriage. I'd be ready with the list. If she refuses be prepared to do the 180.

This is not going to make her run to OM. He is newly divorced (?) with two small kids and an ExWife.

@wk55hn

I don't know what you're implying. I do love my wife but what the hell am I supposed to do? Literally dance and scream pick me pick me?

Pretty sure wk55 was being sarcastic

WK was being facetious.

Though I would wonder what the look on her face would be like if you told her 'let's divorce' and then I can be your side piece without owning any responsibility or obligations to you. She would freak because she accepts that from the other douche, therefore, her hypocrisy.

That's the point he was making. It's a great line because it shows the lunatic behavior of waywards.

[This message edited by Western at 2:09 PM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

So sorry you find yourself here; however, you will get lots of good advice and some advice you don't want - take it all for whatever works best for you and leave the rest alone. I'm fairly new to this as well, so I only know a few things to offer you at this time. Read/implement the 180 now, it will make your WW "shit or get off the pot" so to speak. Read the texts - if you don't (or worse, delete them) you WILL regret it. Some time from now, you will want to read them and if you can't it will drive you crazy not knowing what was said.

If your WW "loves" you and doesn't want a D, then tell her she MUST implement NC now. Get yourself an IC her into IC to help you both understand what is happening. Communicate, talk, talk, talk and talk some more.

I wish you peace while you work through (probably) the most difficult thing you will ever have to deal with in your M.