SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Manualgtr,

I should also add that I understand the first days of dealing with this horrible moment in life can be be very overwhelming.

The mountain of advice you are getting in this forum is being thrown at you because how you attack this situation early on can make a difference in how long it takes to heal from this.

Whether you ultimately decide to divorce or reconcile will also depend on how you get a handle on this stuff now. You will get through this.

Find out the truth. Get out of infidelity - get her to NC with the other guy, tell her work place and as noted before, lawyer lining up divorce papers is all a part of getting your world in order.

I am going to be meeting with a lawyer in the next few days with a separation agreement in order and have her possibly served.

I don't understand why a separation, how is that an advantage to you?

She gets all the perks of being separated, having an affair and still being married to you. You have zero advantages.

What do you think a separation is going to solve or accomplish.

Have you closed all joint accounts yet, if not, you need to. All bills she racks up now...or the OM racks up now through your wife, you are responsible for.

Who is leaving the home during a separation, will you have to leave? I she leaves, where is she going to live?

I don't want to divorce

Guess what? Neither did 99.9% of the people who first showed up here after discovering their spouse was cheating on them. Otherwise, most of the threads in this forum would be:

"Hey everyone. I Just found out my wife/husband/SO is having an affair. I'm divorcing him/her. Man, this sucks."

It's okay not to want to divorce. But what would have to happen for you to change your mind? Full sex? If she tells you she's sleeping with him but refuses to stop? Would that be okay? Where do you draw the line?

What's not okay is you not recognizing that filing divorce is a tool. If you file and you end up reconciling, you can always stop the proceedings. Or, if you find out it's a full blown affair, you can go through with it. Use whatever tools you have at your disposal and the divorce option is a key one. Ignore it at your peril.

One other thing. Taking action and laying out consequences for the WS is IMO the most important factor in stopping an affair. I've seen it over and over again. Good you moved to the other bedroom. Good you are detaching. Good you are seeing a lawyer. Not good that you are filing for a separation agreement since there are absolutely zero consequences for her. Not good that she still works with the guy.

Right now, I haven't seen any consequences for her for still having a boyfriend while being married to you? So what exactly is her incentive to stop? You already know yet nothing has happened. Look, I'm not trying to be harsh with you, but consider this a splash of cold water. We've been there. We know how completely mind blowing this whole thing is. But if you don't stay strong and decisive, your marriage will be over whether you want it to be or not. A famous saying here is "You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to save it."

Sending strength.

I've only read you replies and not what others have written to you but wanted to add my two cents. first off you are doing really well for someone that just had their first DD.

- You need to read the emails. Is she trashing you and the marriage? Is she sending nude pics? Are they sexting? Are they setting up meetings? Have your sister read them and you ask those type questions... ease yourself into it if you must. You need to know what you are planning to forgive. There is a reason she went CRAZY when you took her phone... She isn't protecting YOU she's protecting herself and OM.

- Also, by not reading the emails you don't really understand why N/C and quitting is so important.

- I get your point about asking her to quit but since you both get around the same pay and have only been married for 7 years... I don't think SS would be an option. Make sure you talk to your lawyer about this. In truth if you and your wife want this marriage to work they can't be at the same office. Outing them at work would make this happen quickly.

I don't think your wife "gets it". She is treating you like her gf talking about her bf and how confused she is but still wants to be BFF's.

I see hope for you guys making it to Reconcile but you need to hit her hard (not physically) with -

- Divorce or separation papers

- Don't give her hugs or kisses when she is sad, confused.

- Don't let her "gossip" about how hard this is on her and how confused she is. Tell her to get IC.

- Don't agree to MC until she is N/C with OM

- Don't chat about your future.

- Don't give her any hope that you will be sticking around as a friend if she chooses OM.

Have you give her the go ahead and be with OM if that is what you want but you will not do that as my wife speech yet? You need to let her know that you are not going to wait around for her to become less confused and that everyday you become less attracted to the person she has become.

Do a HARD 180. Her small talk, her flirting with you, the signs of the old her you are seeing... that is her reacting to her Plan B slipping away and trying to get it back. Don't take her back until she agrees to your list of requirements. NC, transparency...

You've go this... just don't let it go on too long.

ManualGTR:

Others have said it, and it bears repeating:

What is your deal breaker?

Is it a PA?

You really need to dig into the text messages, or have another (one poster suggested your sister; sound idea) do so for you.

Avoiding those messages while your wife gives you trickle truth is like slowly taking off a band aid. You would be better put to rip it off as opposed to peel and wait.

As for their relationship...she is emotionally invested enough in this OM to risk losing the marriage. Even if it did not go physical, she is emotionally invested in him.

One last note. Remember that her not being able to choose is in fact a choice.

Take care, brother.

I manned up and read the texts. There are future plans to meet up in hotels and parking lots with sexting and nude photos exchanged. So the first three months they just talked a lot everyday and they confided in each other. She told him a week ago she couldn't wait to consummate their love. I think they've had sex since that week. The last month their convos basically consisted of sexting with I love you's exchanged. I don't believe she loves him, but I'm filing 100% not gonna let my wife basically have a boyfriend. Also talk about me, nothing bad just her saying I don't show her enough atttenrion and she thinks I don't love her as much, fuck her. He's also telling her to leave me so they could be together but she seems hesitstant.

I am meeting with a lawyer tommorrow to file for divorce then I will proceed to secure the accounts.

Sorry, brother. Reading that sort of junk is never easy.

You have a sound plan; now execute.

Sorry you had to read that...we know it must have been one of the toughest things you've ever done.

...but goddamn good for you for both manning up and deciding to take swift and decisive action!! You are miles ahead of the game brother !!! You are doing all the right things !!

I don't show her enough attention

They all say that bullshit. Don't believe it. Is there some magical quota of attention that is required for her to not screw other men? None of this is your fault. Fucking zero of it. Don't accept for one second that however much attention you did or didn't give her is somehow related to her infidelity. Were you a perfect husband in every way? Doubt it. Was she a perfect wife in every way? Doubt it. That's what real marriages are like. Its a partnership of strengths and weaknesses. There will be good years. There will be tough years. Good years are easy. Tough years test the vows and most cheaters can't handle tough years. They're weak.

This is the grown up adult world. Not fairytale land where princesses get showered with affection 24 hours a day. Fuck. That. Selfish. Bullshit.

[This message edited by Chance819 at 9:59 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

I'm so sorry that we were right. Was hoping that for once the consensus was wrong.

There's no way a husband of 7 years can show enough love and affection to compete with an adulterous affair. The whole sneaking around makes it like an addiction to hard drugs. The spouse always falls short. The rewriting of marital history is par for the course.

You should still blow up their world by reporting to HR. I would also confront POS in person off company grounds. For sure expose family and friends before she makes it about your coldness and controlling ways.

Have her served at work. It really rocks their world. Seen it a few times with my own eyes. Woman that were playing there husband out acting like they no longer cared about husband, turn into histerically crying fools. Mgr sent them home to recover.

Now you need to selfishly focus on rebuilding yourself. Eat well and hit the gym HARD. Also you need family and friends. Don't let shame prevent you from getting the support you need. You did nothing wrong.

Also talk about me, nothing bad just her saying I don't show her enough atttenrion and she thinks I don't love her as much, fuck her. He's also telling her to leave me so they could be together but she seems hesitstant.

The not paying attention to her is a lie. It is a lie she will tell everyone that will listen to her to make herself feel better about doing what she knows is wrong. It is her way of rationalizing wrongs into rights and I think most of us here has heard that excuse before.

Save ALL of those texts, print them out, you never know when you will need them, especially the motel plans and the consummate our love.

Have her served at work, if nothing else, that shock factor could wake her up.

Otherwise your wife will find out that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, expect that grass is fake grass, phony grass, Astroturf.

Did you ever find out for sure if this OM is married or actually divorced.

I think at this point, filing for a divorce is your only course of action. Do not have sex with her, do not argue with her, and do not tell her of your meetings with a lawyer.

You should still blow up their world by reporting to HR. I would also confront POS in person off company grounds.

I would not make waves with HR or work, her working will help during his divorce, if she loses her job, it could cost Manualgtr more.

And blowing up the affair does not mean the affair will end. Her quitting this job does not mean the affair will end.

I would NOT report them to their employer...at this time...otherwise you may be on the hook for spousal support if you do get divorced.

Of course once things are settled after a divorce, then it could be reported.

From Chance819: Is there some magical quota of attention that is required for her to not screw other men?

No matter how many times I see variations of this quote, it never gets old.

Read this, ManualGTR. Then reread it. Then read it one more time.

Blameshifting is the mechanism by which a wayward justifies the affair in their mind. Don't buy into that bullshit.

[This message edited by farsidejunky at 10:20 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

Manual

Great advice so far (mostly…) so what I suggest is only filling in on some of the issues.

IMHO the very KEY to surviving infidelity is to be realistic. You can’t fight what you don’t know. You can’t control what you don’t understand. Even then you can only control what you can control. You can’t remove what you can’t see. You – and ONLY you – can decide what you want and what you are willing to accept.

I find some of your comments indicate you aren’t being realistic…

That’s OK. That’s normal so fresh from d-day BUT that’s why you have us. It’s our job to make you wake up and see reality.

Like your need to gather and keep evidence.

No. You don’t need “evidence”. What you need is assurance that you know about as much truth as you need. To reconcile you need 100% truth. To divorce you need enough for you to base your decision on. You don’t need “evidence” as if you need to present your case to others. Either your wife admits to an affair and you reconcile, or she doesn’t and – since you know she’s cheating – you decide to divorce.

Your fear of reading those texts…

What has happened has happened. Turning a blind eye won’t change it. Knowing the extent of their relationship will help you on your path. It can save your marriage, or it can help you in accepting it’s over. Just remember that whatever she puts in those texts is written in infidelity-euphoria.

The contents of the texts might make you incapable of reconciliation, but IMHO you can only reconcile from the truth. If she can minimize the affair and what has happened in any way, then she’s rug-sweeping and that in turn will make reconciliation impossible.

About not wanting to expose at the workplace because she might be fired and therefore you possibly pay alimony if you divorce BUT you don’t want to divorce…

Friend – This doesn’t make sense…

Let’s look at three issues that matter here:

If your wife is his direct supervisor or manager or can impact his direct supervisor or manager or can be seen as having personal impact on his career and actions, then there is a high risk she will be in trouble. If he is her direct supervisor or manager…. Then HE can be in deep trouble. Very low chance of her being fired since that could open the company up to sexual-harassment and wrongful dismissal.

If the company has no clear policy on personal relationships, then they won’t meddle in a relationship if (a) there is no conflict of interest (like the direct supervisor issue) and (b) company resources and funds are not being used.

Sending an occasional e-mail, sharing lunch and taking coffee-breaks together are not excessive use of company resources. If they charged expenses to the company, took time-off to have nooky in the conference-room, disappeared for 2 hours in a company-car with no apparent reason… That would be misuse and a firing excuse.

It they are in comparable jobs at comparable levels and the affair hasn’t impacted their work then the HR department wouldn’t give a cahoots for their affair. Even if there is some form of infringement on a company policy then chances are one or both are pulled aside and given an informal warning. The risk of being fired is very very low.

Even IF she got fired then divorce takes time. Yes, you might pay support, but it’s also very likely she will be in another job. Being fired from one job does not make you totally unemployable.

Look at it this way: You are refusing to use one of your most powerful weapons to end the affair (exposure) because you are afraid it MIGHT get her fired (unlikely) and then – IF you divorce and she hasn’t been re-employed in the 6-12 month process D takes you MIGHT be forced to pay spousal support to someone that is fully capable of working full-time anyway… That’s a lot of ifs and buts and very low risk compared to the pay-off.

Manual – Use the weapons we hand you.

I forgot to mention last night before I read the texts she told me she was going to stop talking to the other guy since it's not fair to me and our marriage but it's going to be hard on her, yeah too fucking late. I'll make it easier by filing for divorce. I did want to have sex with her one last time more like a hate-fuck but I stopped myself. Maybe she will snap out of this, I'm still getting her served 100%. Also the other man is divorced and has two kids from my digging.

All this talk about hitting the gym, I've hit the gym many times in my life and have been going often the last two years. The wife would often go with me. I'm never getting married again and I hope future partners will understand that. This is the worst pain I've ever felt in my life. I love her but I'm done, only chance of reconciliation is if she gives 150% and does everything in power.

manualgtr,

So very sorry you had to read your wife's text. I know that had to be so very hard for you.

(((sadly)) But at least now you know what you are facing and you know your WW continued to lie and minimize her affair.

If you can refrain from sharing your plan with her I would. See an attorney, get your ducks in a row first.

Look up the 180 in the Healing Library and start to detach.

When you serve her with D papers she may wake up, she may not, but at least you will have demonstrated that you are no longer believing her lies or putting up with her affair or her unremorseful behavior.

Take care of you. We are proud of you.

[This message edited by 1Faith at 10:33 AM, January 11th (Wednesday)]

Of all the advice that you have received you have put it into action very very well. Being decisive helps, the worst is flopping all around. She did this to you, and it's on you to do the bare minimum to dig out of this hole.

So you re decisive, file for divorce. If she really wants to fight then that is her right to do so, it's a free country.

You need to file at this point if just to protect yourself financially and legally.

I forgot to mention last night before I read the texts she told me she was going to stop talking to the other guy since it's not fair to me and our marriage but it's going to be hard on her, yeah too fucking late.

That could be because they're taking a break , he dumped her, or she's taking it further under ground with a burner phone.

Does she know you read everything? If so, what does she have to say for herself?

We know you're hurting. Be clear headed with your actions. I'm reading anger in your words which is much better than despair. You want to get to indifference but it will take time.

She chose to destroy her long term marriage to the man who took her virginity and married her and only to get with a divorced dad. How stupid.

I forgot to mention last night before I read the texts she told me she was going to stop talking to the other guy since it's not fair to me and our marriage but it's going to be hard on her

Makes you wonder what made her say she was stopping talking to him and oddly she said stop talking to him instead of stopping the affair.

Did she say why it would be so hard for her?

How much older is this OM than your wife?