SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

BTW...you can always expose the affair to her place of employment later if you do D.

Actions have consequences, don't spare her from them if at all possible.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 3:59 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

^^^^ very true dont show all your hand at once make a plain and stick to it

She's acting like a completely different person and it's hard for me to believe this is who she really was all these years, I just don't see it.

This is very common, many times on here you will read stories that their wives act like they have been abducted by aliens or on drugs...very common.

She is flaunting this in your face, which is damn cruel. She loves you, wants to be with you all the while she is lying to your face about what she is doing.

Gather all the information you can now.

When do you think they get together in private...like after work. Have her followed after work. Is she late home from work recently with different excuses?

You don't sound stupid at all. In fact, you sound very smart. Despite reeling from discovering your wife's affair and her personality change, you are:

(a) planning to see a lawyer to discuss what your rights and obligations would be if you go the divorce route (which is a very viable option since your wife is not showing any remorse); and

(b) not having sex with your wife to avoid a pregnancy that would be very problematic or contracting a disease from your wife.

Those are the actions of a smart man. It's small comfort, but you are doing really well.

I'm glad your sister is being supportive. My family rallied around me and has been a huge help. I know the feeling of humiliation when you realize that your spouse has been carrying on with someone else - it's a huge slap in the face and so disrespectul.

Since your wife won't give up her fantasy, focus on yourself. How are you doing physically? Are you able to eat? Sleep? Function at work?

I may sound stupid, I just don't know if I want to divorce her right now but I am going to meet with a lawyer since I can't keep watching this happen in front of me. She's acting like a completely different person and it's hard for me to believe this is who she really was all these years, I just don't see it.

No rush to decide anything now, other than take care of you.

One of my favorite bits of advice here is take what you need and leave the rest.

All of the folks here are just looking to get you out of infidelity first and then you can get your bearings. No rush to decide anything, but if you get an attorney lined up and papers in her hand, she will understand you're serious.

The cognitive dissonance or the 'fog' your wife is in doesn't have her thinking clear right now. She is addicted to whatever attention she is getting outside of your home.

Stay or go, those final outcomes can only get going once she ends whatever the hell is going on. But the only way to NC is to get her or him out of that workplace.

[This message edited by Oldwounds at 4:10 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

I am doing better now, I was barely able to eat and get up in the morning when I found out. My appetite was completely gone for the first week and it is still not fully back. This is my wife, my life partner, my best friend. Have known each other since we were teenagers, the woman who just a few months ago told me she couldn't wait for us to start having kids. She has never loved anyone else in her life more than she's loved me.

Guess she was just trying to overcome her guilt, I don't know what I would do if I found out they've been having sex. She hasn't had any suspicious behavior with her leaving the home at random times and such. i'm probably just naive and don't want to believe it. She is promising me on everything that they haven't done it but that they have flirted over texts.

She is promising me on everything that they haven't done it but that they have flirted over texts.

But yet she doesn't want to let go of that relationship?

Its time to tell her that you refuse to share her with anyone...it needs to be him or you, no compromise here.

Kick her ass off the fence and don't worry where she lands.

Either way, you will be better off than where you are right now.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 4:41 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

She is seeing this guy every day. They're probably sneaking off for lunch several times a week. The most common thing is to sneak off to a nearby park.

It starts off with talking, progresses to kissing, then to quickies or more likely BJs. I know, there's no way your snow flake would do that. Read the threads. This is so common.

If you're going to try to salvage this, she MUST LEAVE that job. Work place affairs are hard to uncover because they can communicate in person and through company IM or email. The 2 of them think no one notices. They leave in separate cars but their team members see the body language.

She says she loves you but her actions say other wise. She wants you around for a bit to see if she can make the jump to the new branch.

If this guy is really divorced and really into her, he will take her. If you had kids, I would think your chances of fighting off this theft would be better because most men are not looking to take on another man's kids but with no kids in the picture, a low partner count woman to a divorced man can be appealing.

Whether it is a PA?

For the second time, what does your gut say?

I don't know what I would do if I found out they've been having sex. She hasn't had any suspicious behavior with her leaving the home at random times and such. i'm probably just naive and don't want to believe it. She is promising me on everything that they haven't done it but that they have flirted over texts.

You need to prepare yourself for some real truths. She is with this guy every day plus what you have seen on the texts. Yes, there is at the very least a 50/50 chance they have had sex.

Number 1, you must not lose your temper when you find out the real truths.

What are you doing to find out about this guy, if he is married.

Ask your wife is she is willing to take a polygraph test and see how she reacts to that.

Do you have full access to her phone???

so no kids, her affair out of nowhere, her raging and my question is exactly what is your line in the sand ? Are you trying to discover more before making a decision ?

Hey brother...

Your story is very similar to that of many men on here. And although there is a good chance the affair has gone physical, that's not necessarily the case yet. However, if your WW moves out, or you move out, it is a 100% guarantee.

I hope you understand the affair has nothing to do with you. She didn't make these choices because you weren't meeting her emotional needs. She did this because she is using the external validation as a way to medicate her own insecurities about herself. These insecurities put up barriers that prevent enriching connections and coupled with a lack of boundaries leads to the inappropriate behaviour that develops. And of course, since this behaviour conflicts with the vision she wants to have of herself, she has to justify what she has done, lie, and deceive so that her guilt feels less black.

The other thing to understand is that you cannot control her choices. And if you try to play her games you'll lose as it is an ever changing set of criteria specifically constructed to end in a no-win scenario. Unless your WW is willing to do the necessary introspection to understand what she did, why she did it, and why it is wrong, and how to have a healthy relationship built on mutual and self respect, your marriage will not get better. You can't do her part for her. Instead you have to focus on what you can control and set up boundaries to protect yourself. If you are in a situation passively enduring abuse, then you need to make a change to protect your wellbeing. There is no easy way out of this and for change to happen, change must be made. It can sure as hell be scary, but risk is the only way out. Your end-goal through all of this is to guide yourself to a better future, regardless of what your WW chooses to do, regardless of what the final outcome is. You deserve your own self respect.

Respect yourself. Understand that you have rights.

Understand that you are the only person that you can ever count on to do this.

If your WW won't, then you must. And you must be willing to walk away if this continues.

Talk to an attorney and ensure that you are educated and will be able to legally protect yourself, regardless of what happens.

Take care of yourself, monitor your health, get involved with your life and rebuild yourself independently.

Realise that you don't have to win your WW back. She's the fuckup. You don't want that person back. You want a partner that you can trust to contribute to the marriage. She has to win *you* back.

Read up on the 180 for a toolkit on how to do this.

Cut through the bullshit and let her deal with the consequences of her actions.

Read through the Tactical Primer on how to do this.

Refuse to live with infidelity

At all *perceived" costs and despite all *perceived* fears or else you risk yourself

Keep faith in yourself and be true to who you are and to what you stand for

Because the single toughest thing about this whole damned situation...?

Is you.

[This message edited by SerJR at 5:57 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

Buy a voice-activated recorder. Put it in her car. Within a week, you will hear the sad truth.

I have the texts recovered but too afraid to look at them. She said it will just hurt me more than I already have been.

Likely you will find the truth here, too. Depending on how long ago it was.

But the voice-activated recorder gives you her voice, it has more impact.

Then maybe you can work up some anger.

You are in limbo hell. And the way you've been handling so far, you will be there a while.

I know it hurts. Your marriage has cancer. Don't you want to hear how bad? How can it be healed if you don't even know the prognosis?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 6:39 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

I bet they are having sex. I'm sorry I know it hurts badly! I've had more DDays than I care to admit. But she is considering ruining her marriage over some flirting with a coworker? Not buying it. It doesn't matter how much she swears they haven't had sex. Cheaters lie. End of story. She already has proven she can do things you never thought she was capable of. I am sorry you are here but you have to take drastic action.do the 180, it's your only hope if you don't leave the house. Many lawyers will tell you never to leave the shared home, as it may give her an upper hand for getting the house in a divorce, if it comes to that.

I think you need to scare the shit out of her. Stay with a buddy for a couple of weeks and don't tell her. Go out with your friends and give her no explanation. Don't cry around he, don't show any emotion, don't beg and plead with her and ask her why she is hurting you so, don't do any of that!

The beauty is you are young! And you have no kids together! Makes it easier should you decide to move on and find a woman who won't real your heart.

Good luck! Trust me, I know exactly what you are going through. It's painful as hell.

I think they are having sex too. I went out to run some errands and didn't tell here where I was going. Came back and she made my favorite meal but I just ate and didn't speak to her while she was sitting across from me at the table. Again asking me questions about future events and vacations and how my day was do I like the food.

Good, keep at the 180, stay detached so she doesn't have as much chance to hurt you more.

This in turn will give her a taste of life without you, though I would try to avoid meals with her too if possible.

It sucks to be here but we all went thru this stuff.

Regarding alimony, my x worked part time at a school, I have my own business. She asked for spousal support. The arbitrator said to her that she has a teaching certification and an MBA along with 20 solid years of work history, she will have no problem supporting herself in the future. No judge would sign off on that

With equal incomes there's no reason for one to pay the other. This is in CA your state may be different-

PS-She is not protecting you from the messages, she is protecting herself and OM. They are the truth and will hurt alot, but once they are out there they will lose their magic power.

PSS - Get out there in the GTR and clear your head

Good luck and stay strong.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 8:00 PM, January 10th (Tuesday)]

The trying to act like everything is normal is a mind game to get you to doubt yourself. In her fogged up mind, what she's doing is not that bad because you're in the dark. So since you don't know, she hasn't hurt you.

When people are in the adultery fog, they're in an alternate reality. It's her and her new soul mate against the world. I would bet that quite a few of the co-workers suspect them but in their mind, they're keeping it a secret.

What makes it sad for you is that you guys were high school sweet hearts. Were you each others first? It really sad that she would throw away all the history you have for a divorced guy she barely knows.

We recently had a WW that posted in that section who were high school sweet hearts, were each others first and married and had 2 sons at young age. She through that away a 16 years because she wanted to experience other men, so she bangs her fitness instructor for 2 years. Talk about sad.

He snapped her out of her fog with decisive ACTION. Exposed to her family. Packed her bags and dropped them off at her parents.

I mention this because it is ONLY bold actions that get results. Consistently BHs that try to nice and play the pick me game are CRUSHED.

Came back and she made my favorite meal but I just ate and didn't speak to her while she was sitting across from me at the table. Again asking me questions about future events and vacations and how my day was do I like the food.

That is common, and it is called compartmentalization most times.

Sooner than later, you must tell her you refuse to live like this, with lies and in an open marriage.