SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This must be one of the most egregious and outrageous examples of a wayward I have read about on this site. And I am a voracious reader.

You are so deeply into the forest of her manipulation, how could you see the trees? Let alone the daylight?

That's what this site is for!! Sit at the feet of the veterans here and listen. And listen good.

I say this with utmost compassion and concern for you!!

My friend, where did you learn what a marriage looks like? You looked in her phone and feel guilty? Since when are secrets *ok*? Her expectation of privacy is ok for the bathroom. Not her phone.

Having said that, please value yourself more than this. Seriously? Flipping your underwear off with the OM holding them?

May I suggest taping a $20 Bill to hers and sending her a photo of it? Evidently, all you are doing is paying her for sex, not love or affection.

Strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 7:03 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Evidently, all you are doing is paying her for sex, not love or affection.

It's been over a year since they've been intimate, so yeah - not even that.

Please listen to the good people here that are looking at what you've posted objectively. This woman does not deserve you.

Hi, welcome to SI. So glad you found us.

Gently, you don't have a marriage to save. Your wife has cheated since day 1, she is more than likely a serial cheater.

What she is doing is abusing you.

Please listen to the good people here. Meet with an attorney asap and run.

Then find a good counselor for you to help you understand how you would allow yourself to be in this abusive relationship. You deserve so much more.

Friend, I know you are probably overwhelmed by all this. Please stay with us here. We want to help you get out of infidelity.

Brokendreams, I am so sorry you find you self here. Being betrayed is a terrible thing, but you came to the right place. I am sure you are still in shock, but you will get some great advice from some seasoned veterans here.

Fortunately you discovered who your wife really is early on. The first thing you have to realize is who your wife is and who you think she is are two different things. You see your wife as your best friend. Who she is is that woman who raised her middle finger at your outstretched undies and had some other mans dick in her mouth before the ink even dried on your marriage license. Is this how a newlywed wife who is supposed to be in the honeymoon phase of the marriage acts?

She doesn't even work and goes out behind your back and gets drunk and disrespects you behind your back? My friend ,you really don't know who your wife is , but believe it or not you have been given a gift of seeing the truth in full view. Use it .

friend

It is incredible that you think of having violated your trust ... if this story is real, you are with a very cruel person, who has been mocked by you for 4 years ... who used you in the worst way ,,, you have become A mat and lower still ....

You only have one option first you look for a lawyer and you make the divorce, then tell her that you have been told who she really is, that you know what she has done and how she has humiliated you ...

But take the advice you get here, run fast from such a parasite and bad person ... greetings and hope you keep updating, I tell you that I think that what she does, consult with a lawyer ......

friend

It is incredible that you think of having violated your trust ... if this story is real, you are with a very cruel person, who has been mocked by you for 4 years ... who used you in the worst way ,,, you have become A mat and lower still ....

You only have one option first you look for a lawyer and you make the divorce, then tell her that you have been told who she really is, that you know what she has done and how she has humiliated you ...

But take the advice you get here, run fast from such a parasite and bad person ... greetings and hope you keep updating, I tell you that I think that what she does, consult with a lawyer ......

Hi Broken,

I am sorry to read what has happened to you, but it is very good that you have found this forum.

Let me ask a few questions, based on the negative feelings I used to have about myself when I was a teenager. Are you shy? Do you feel self-conscious about being overweight? Do you feel like other people may mock you for being overweight? Do you feel that they are right to do that? Do you feel like you are lucky that a girl – any girl – would consider dating, let alone marrying, someone like you? Do you consider that your wife has been very tolerant and made a sacrifice by dating and marrying you?

If so, I know where you are coming from. I used to think that way when I was fifteen, and for a very brief time I considered ending it all. Honestly; I thought that no woman would ever date me, that I was never going to be happy, that I might as well save time and check out right away.

It was bullsh*t. Just not true. Since then, I have been told by a few women that I am ‘good looking’. This is not bragging. It is the opposite. I was really surprised when a woman, and then a few women, said that. Me???? Good looking???? Get out of here….I’m a joke. Frankly, I still cannot see it. But it has happened a few times, so I know it was not just one woman being kind or charitable. I know I am not super handsome, not a movie star, but I seem to be basically OK to date, and I can work with that. But as I received these messages, I was genuinely surprised, because I had written myself off as far as attracting the opposite sex was concerned. I was a lost cause…Or maybe I wasn’t.

The point of me writing this is that I hear so much of my ‘old’ self when I read what you have written. I think I know where you are coming from. You are giving your wife some kind of undeserved credit for dating you and marrying you. And she has behaved very badly. But you kind of understand that, don’t you, because you feel she has good reason to do what she has done.

Wrong!!!!!

What she has done stinks. You deserve the same level of respect as Tom Cruz and George Clooney. It is not up to you to ‘save’ the marriage, she has already smashed it to pieces. What you have to do is get away and find yourself a decent woman who likes you for who you are, and who actually understands what the marriage ceremony is about. It is not about spending time with other men, it is not about fluid-covered photos, it is not about betraying the trust of a good man who is guilty of nothing more than loving a woman.

You really should not have been treated this way; you do not deserve it. No-one does. Think about that.

she does not have a job and plans to stay at home when we have children...

DO NOT get her pregnant! She is not parent material.

What you found shows that she has ZERO love and respect for you. ZERO.

Do not stay with her and be a cuckold because you have low self esteem. I cannot imagine anyone recommending you try and save a marriage that has been a sham from day one.

Stand up for yourself. You must start to respect yourself.

IMO you should file for divorce ASAP. You have only been married 2 years so alimony should not be a major issue. Let her lover support her cheating ass. Staying with her will chip away at your soul.

Get free of this. Hit the gym, cut the carbs. Build some confidence. You will be surprised how many decent women are out there.

First, care, hugs, and strength brother, it is a tough situation you are in, and you came to the right place, we are here for you and you are not alone, stay here.

Reading your story , what she did far exceeds betrayal, it is high treason. She is not and likely never was your friend and what she did to you scared the hell out of me and yes you should be scared too.

You are in serious danger pal, she already is slowly killing you by negatively affecting your mental health and not meeting your human needs, made you almost blind with those photos,

and one day she will kill you while you are asleep and then she will go partying with your money and her lover after burying you in the backyard. DANGER DANGER DANGER

Do not tell her that you know, go see a lawyer and disappear to a hotel until you have her evicted. I know you want to save your marriage and kids - his not yours!- but she is not who you thought she is (a demon).

Sorry for these words, but please save yourself, GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT you have been warned.

Now, what will you do?

Hey Broken-

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. What you're dealing with sucks. No doubt.

You've gotten a lot of advice about what you should do.

The first time I posted my story here on SI in the JFO forum, I got a lot of advice and read a lot of things I wasn't ready to read. It was like stepping on a rake and getting thwacked in between the eyes. I remember thinking, "no! you don't understand!- my situation is not like that!"

I wanted so badly to fight for my marriage. I didn't want to lose her. I am older than she is. And she is gorgeous. I thought when I married her, that I had the best luck in the world. Because I'm not young, rich, or pretty, and she chose me! What a lucky man.

So when I found out about her first affair, I was devastated. And afraid that I would lose her. I "needed" her. Who else would want me? And I had invested so much into our relationship. I liked having someone to share my jokes with, and someone to come home to that cared about how my days was, and someone I could love and support in return. But she decided to give her best self to another man. She cut me off sexually about a year before I found out about him.

I thought we were working on it. Then I found out about guy number 2. And I was STILL willing to try to make it work. She moved out shortly thereafter. And then she went to Vegas with #2 for four days. Then finally, about two months after that, she finally said she didn't want to work on our marriage and wanted to get divorced. By that time, I was pretty much ready. The thing I finally figured out was that she never wanted to work on our marriage. Our divorce was final in September. About nine months after Dday.

Blah blah blah. I guess all that is to say that I understand wanting to make it work. Both because I really did love my wife. And I didn't want to be alone. And I understand the feeling of, "They don't understand! They don't know our dynamics!"

And I'm not here to tell you what you should do or shouldn't do. You've got to play this out the best way you can for your integrity and sense of wellbeing. But I would like to ask you, if it were your best friend, or your brother, or you cousin, and they told you:

1- She's been cheating since the honeymoon.

2- She's been talking shit since the honeymoon.

3- She's been giving herself sexually to someone else while not ever giving herself to her husband.

4- She doesn't seem to be all that close.

And then-

5- You are supporting her financially

6- You've only been married two years and you're already in this situation.

What would it look like to you?

These are really hard things. And they cut your guts and fry your brains and you can't sleep and you lose weight and you wonder what color the sky really is. I know.

Someone early on said that your M can only be saved if both of you want it. Does she want it?

Actions speak louder than words. What do her actions say?

Take care of yourself. If you can, don't worry about her for one day. Just take care of yourself. Be completely selfish for one day. Get what you need. Look at what gives you life and do those things. I'll tell you what, exercise saved me. I live near a lake and I walked around that lake so many times. 3:00am in a blizzard. I didn't care. Getting those endorphins moving around your body really really helps.

And know that we are here with you. If you're anything like me, (and I think you are)- you are really freaked out by the things you are reading on here. I will tell you that you don't have to seek a divorce. But you might want to start trying to make that idea so scary. I'm guessing you're young in your 20's because you said you've been married for two years and you met in college. You have a lot of life left.

Oh and last- maybe someone already said this- but what do YOU want an ideal marriage to look like? What's ok in a marriage and what isn't? You get to have a say in this. You deserve it.

Good luck. We're here. We'll support you.

See if you can get a psychologist to help you through this. Psychologists deal with stuff like this all the time, and the psychologist should be able to give you some options. You can look up online for "therapists, psychologists, counseling" and the name of your city. Then call up Tuesday morning and ask for an appointment. Post again if you need help to figure out which one is best or if you need help making the appointment.

Broken, please tell me there are no children in this marriage...

I'm sorry to be so blunt but what you have in your hands is a gold digger! She's using you. Start by blocking her CC and find out what her reaction will be to that. Have you checked the statements? Check what have you've been paying for!

I have sons in their early 20s, and since your parents are deceased, I am going to tell you what I would tell my sons if they confided something like this to me.

You do not need to save your marriage. You need to save yourself. There is something very, very wrong with your wife. You have made her your family and your best friend, but she is not worthy of you. She is bringing zero to the table, and her extra-curricular activities are reprehensible.

You need to see two different professionals: a lawyer, and a counselor. The lawyer is for obvious reasons. Do not tell your wife about this. You need to know your rights and get your finances separated before she runs up credit card bills, which she will do if she thinks you are on to her.

The counselor is for you to deal with your issues. Grief, feeling alone, trauma from what happened with your wife, low self-esteem. Take some time to learn about relationships and marriage. Develop a picture of who you want to be and what you want. Pursue hobbies, learn new things, and make new friends through these activities - positive, constructive, male friends. Take your time. You are very young and your brain isn't even fully developed until you are 25-27.

You are the prize here. A faithful, thoughtful, generous, educated and hard-working man has a lot of value. You deserve to build your family with a woman with the same qualities. ACCEPT NO LESS. This woman you are with is very badly broken, likely beyond repair.

I just logged on here and saw so many replies. Thank you, thought I am so overwhelmed. I really primarily was hoping for advice on how to save the marriage, how to reconcile with my wife or how to bring myself back to feeling like a man and a human.

You have no idea how my mind is just spinning, it is as if I can't think straight. She was just home for the last two hours and I really felt dizzy almost how she can be doing all these normal things like open a bottle of wine, play on her phone, and KNOW all these things are on her phone?

I guess I am surprised so many of you have suggested leaving without trying to fix things. That is a lot to consider, I really haven't allowed myself to go there in my head.

@Minnesota, that is very much how I feel. I am not the most attractive man, I am probably 20 pounds overweight and shy. I make a lot of money as an engineer and my family had enough money to pay for a down payment on a house for us as a wedding present. She is beautiful and the life of the party and I did think (do think?) of myself as so lucky to have had her, even if we haven't had sex for so long--every marriage goes through dry spells right?

She just left for the night I asked her where she was going and she said out with friends. I asked which friends and she said just my friends. I asked where she was going and she said I don't know yet babe. I asked if she wanted me to come along and she said "you've got work tomorrow babe, i might be out late, why don't you stay home."

So now my heart is pumping and I am thinking could she be meeting HIM? I had to resist to get in my car and follow her Uber. I am sweating and my mind just keeps coming back to the picture of his stickyness on her and them laughing at my underwear and then I cry but then it is like I'm frozen.

With all you have said, I feel frozen in even what my next step is. I feel like I need to talk to her about what is going on, in case there's a story here. She really has not been acting strange at home, and so maybe there's just more to it. Going to a therapist or someone seems good but I feel too dizzy to even know where to start on that.

A few of you have said: "your marriage has been a lie." We are talking about my life for years. It is so hard to come to terms with that maybe being true. I need help but I also feel so desparate to get more information about what is going on.

If my whole adult life has been a lie, what is left of me?

I would see a lawyer first, before you confront her. I am shocked to hear about this young married woman with a college degree who is not working and goes out partying with friends without her husband. You are financing a single lifestyle for her, yet you have none of the benefits of a wife.

What is left of you is, you. Know your worth, young man. You are a whole person with gifts and talents. This is why you need to see a counselor after you see a lawyer.

If you were my son, I'd be on my way, and it would not be pretty for your wife. She and her bags would be on this "friend's" doorstep within an hour, and her phone, credit cards, automobile and ATM card would all be disabled. Do you have a male relative you are close to, an uncle or grandfather, that you can talk to about this?

I really primarily was hoping for advice on how to save the marriage, how to reconcile with my wife or how to bring myself back to feeling like a man and a human.

Friend, I am one that generally likes to see couples work things out, I have taken my own wife back three times, YES 3 TIMES, but I'm also one to tell the truth as I see it...there is nothing to save here, not even enough to try.

You are young, well employed and will make a fine husband for a woman that is worthy of you...she is not in any way.

You need to end this ASAP so that she cannot take any more from you when you eventually split, because you will, it is inevitable.

Do it on your terms, not hers.

You need to find someone you trust that is phone and tech savvy that can get in her phone and backup or copy everything over.

If you can catch her unaware and get into her phone again, quickly remove the passcode and get it out of your house to this trusted third party, letting (or making) her believe she lost her phone. (keeping it for evidence)

Then file for divorce an get her out of your life.

[This message edited by OrdinaryDude at 9:15 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

I am sorry to hear your story. I want to add my strong strong feelings to the chorus here that you 100 million percent need to divorce. Your marriage has been a total fraud, through no fault of your own. You sound like a good man and you absolutely deserve, and will find, better. You are at the beginning of your life my friend.

My XWW and I likewise went to top undergrad and I went to one of the country's top law schools and have done very well financially. I was defrauded for probably 10 years in the very same way. She would go out with "friends" several nights a week and claimed she needed the time to herself because we have a special needs son. Several of her friends in fact covered for her and I was fooled because I trusted her.

So I've been there. I'm sorry to tell you but I think there is probably more than one affair going on here. This is how she lives her life, and has since even before your wedding day.

She is not who you thought she was and it will never change. If you stay together she will as sure as the day is long continue to cheat agin and again.

I am very sorry to be so blunt but I feel like you need to wake yourself from all of this and GET OUT right away. There is frankly nothing to discuss with your wife because there is no excuse for any of it. None.

You will get a ton of support here so you are not alone. I hope you go see a lawyer tomorrow and file for divorce and move on. And I hope you use the support you will surely get here to move on to many wonderful things in life that await you once you make the decision to move on with your life.

Best wishes to you!