SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Go see an attorney ASAP. Check your rights.

Unfortunately, we all know what's going to happen when you confront her. Actually it's quite predictable. She'll drop to her knees and tell you the OM mean nothing to her. You're her true love, bla blah blah,

As stated above. Read no more mr nice guy. Also apply the 180 rule (google it). No pleading. No begging. No please from this point on.

Get your butt in the gym. While the boxers with the middle finger picture is a low blow, it should be a wake up call. Be a better you, for you.

But to be honest. I'll drop her like a bad habit. Wives, potential moms don't go out drinking til 2am. She's just not wife/mom material.

Check your PMs ...

Your life is not a lie, your marriage is. Get rid of the lie. Why would you stay? There is nothing to build on. Don't be a joke to her and her friends. File and have her served

I kept scrolling back, feeling like I was going to vomit. There were probably 500 pictures, going back to our wedding weekend (and before). There are pictures in our honeymoon suite at the hotel where this friend is holding up my underwear and stretching them out (I am little overweight ) while my wife holds up middle finger to them. There are pictures of her with her mouth on a man's erect genitals... we have never taken photos like that. There are several pictures that showed the very graphic ending of a sex act on her face and on her chest.

I don't know what to do. I haven't mentioned to my wife that I saw any of these and I feel very guilty for going through her phone which I know I shouldn't have done. I know if I mention doing that she will get very angry with me and I don't want to do anything that would prevent reconciliation.

Reconciling what exactly, you never had a M ro reconcile for. Your WW undeniably having pornstar sex with other men, with semen all over her, demeaning & refusing sex with you her H doesn't make you as her H just a little bit angry?

But I also feel humiliated and I can hardly look at her and I feel like I don't know what to say to her. I feel like it is just going to go on this way forever

Only if you allow it too. Balls in your court

Her Facebook list is full of pictures with this friend, hiking, drinking beers, wine tasting, etc. I just keep looking at them and staring. He has clicked Like on many photos of my wife and I doing things on Facebook too.

He is her friend who is having sex with her. Wake up your the OM he's getting all the husband treats.

What do I do? I don't really have friends to turn to, and all of our shared friends are really her friends. Obviously I want to stay married but I feel betrayed and humiliated and confused and angry. To think about how he has been using my wife and to have seen the pictures of it. I keep playing them over and over again in my mind. Seeing her do things she doesn't/won't do with me. All the lies about how she doesn't want/need sex.

Why would you want to stay M. It has been only two years since your M and she was fucking some dude before, during and after you were cough, cough married. You are a paycheck financing her sex outings with her FB.

Please help. I feel so down and alone and low. I need to save my marriage.

There is no marriage to save. You need to get your self up off the floor and start looking after yourself & your interests. Lawyer up. Separate finances, cut off her CC. If you can get ahold of her phone again save the texts & pictures for the D. With date stamped you may be able to get an annulment. Again see a lawyer. find out your rights. You have been played from day one and burying your head in the sand will not end with a good result for you.

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 9:42 PM, February 19th (Sunday)]

Sorry you're going through this. But consider yourself lucky. You found this out BEFORE you had kid, owned a lot of stuff together or got in too deep. You're young. You can begin again.

Here's what I would do. See a lawyer to know your rights. HONESTLY and OBJECTIVELY explain the situation to him. He can't give you the best advice if you sugar coat things.

You say she gets drunk and will pass out.

I'd encourage that to try to get access to her phone again. Or look up ways to hack her phone. DO NOT FEEL BADLY FOR DOING THIS! She isn't being fair to you so no need to be fair to her. Get all the pictures an email them to yourself as evidence. If you know the guy or guys she's running around with and they have girlfriends or wives, make sure those women know. Once the jig is up those guys will throw her under the bus. When she tries to deny show her the pics. When she says you betrayed her and violated her trust/privacy, say she violated your trust an you only uncovered her lies.

Make sure her parents know because she will paint you as the bad guy.

Bottom line: broom this chick fast!

Hi brokendreams, I'm so sorry you are here.

I won't give you any specific advice on what to do, but I'll talk a little about my history first -- hopefully this will help more with how to wrap your head around what you've discovered, and your thinking moving forward.

When I discovered my XWH was cheating on me I thought my life had ended. I was TERRIFIED about what it meant for me. I worked for my WH, we owned a business together. Our identities were linked within our social circles, and the community around out business. If I lost him, I would lose everything and I was so panicked that I turned myself inside out to try to please him, to try to fix the problem.

It turned out that my worst fears came true. I did in fact, lose everything. It was incredibly painful. I tried so hard and yet I could not change who he was. He was a liar, and a cheater, and he didn't want me any more. It was like everything I knew about him was suddenly a lie. I couldn't make sense of it. I thought I knew WHO he was, and yet, I didn't.

He would stay out and screw his mistress(es). He lied in counselling. He changed things in his phone and email to trick me. He set up fake email accounts. He lied to everyone, me, his fuckbudies, our customers, our friends. He accused me of cheating, of lying, of stealing from our business. I was suicidal and profoundly depressed.

It was awful. My doctor was so worried about me that he ordered me to leave, to pack up and get out. He said if I didn't I'd either end up in jail for murder, in the morgue from suicide, or in the hospital from a failed suicide attempt.

I left our house. To retaliate, he fired me, so I lost my job. My situation got worse as I ran out of benefits, couldn't work due to the depression, found and lost part time work, got kicked out of some "free" housing, and ended up homeless, living in an RV, borrowing money to eat. At one point I had $12.57 in my purse and that was it.

But, I recovered. It took a lot of therapy and a really long time. I'm now gainfully employed, living in a place I love, single, and happy.

It would have been so much better if I'd just left from the beginning. I would have been mentally much healthier rather than struggling to cling to a fake life, trying to breathe life into the corpse of our marriage.

But I was afraid. My self esteem was shattered. I was worried I'd lose all my friends, my job, my home, everything, including my husband. I wanted to keep it all together. But I couldn't do it alone and it turned out he was determined to lie and twist things around so it was my fault (it wasn't of course).

I wanted to save the life I had. I was terrified of losing it. It turns out I couldn't save it and trying to only made everything so much worse. If I'd just accepted the new reality I was facing instead of trying to convince myself that I could fix it and make it "like it used to be" - I would have been able to rebuild my life so much faster.

So, back to you. Your wife is a liar and a cheater and she wants the comfort and convenience of having you support her.

But the best thing you can do is face your new reality and try not to convince yourself that what you THOUGHT about your life was in fact the reality of your life. You were tricked. Your wife has defrauded you. Accept the truth of what you have found. It's real. Those photos on her phone are REALLY who she is. Who you thought she is, is NOT REALITY. Adjust your thinking to what is REAL.

Your self confidence is going to take a huge hit, no matter what. First, you've been lied to in some huge and profound ways. Second, the life you thought you had, is GONE. It's like there was a flood and everything got washed away. You can't fix it. It's destroyed. It's a mess. And your wife did this. It's her fault. Don't think you can forgive her, it's not really forgivable.

You can only recover yourself. You can only save yourself. Your wife won't be able to help you. And you can't fix her.

Do not be afraid about what will happen next. See a lawyer, see a therapist, read here in the healing library and post here frequently. Keep writing your story. You can use the forum here as a journal, get your thoughts out, share what happens, and get some feedback. There's a LOT of wisdom here to help you.

Don't grovel. Don't ask her to stay with you. Focus on getting out of infidelity, so you don't end up being a cuckold.

You have a good job and a new life ahead of you. You can do this. It's going to be ugly for a while but you will get through it.

I really primarily was hoping for advice on how to save the marriage, how to reconcile with my wife or how to bring myself back to feeling like a man and a human.

Gently, it takes TWO people to save the marriage and reconcile. And BOTH of those people have to deeply regret what happened and strive to overcome it. We know you are invested in the marriage, the failing is on her side.

Infidelity is like a cancer. When you've had years of a healthy relationship vs a few weeks of infidelity, it's like the cancer is in a relatively small area and so the chance is greater that you can recover. (It's not certain, if infidelity is a deal breaker, even a "small" incident can be like inoperable brain cancer.) But in your case, there's is no area chronologically that is cancer-free. From before the honeymoon until now, she's been cheating. There is NO marriage to reconcile. The ONLY option I can see, is to divorce and after some time apart, if you feel she's truly remorseful, possibly try dating again and see where that goes. I wouldn't recommend it in this case but some people have done that.

If my whole adult life has been a lie, what is left of me?

Your whole adult life HASN'T been a lie. Your marriage has been false through no fault of yours. You have been a good husband and provider and because she's a broken human being who thinks it's acceptable to treat people this way, she's victimizing you. IMO, it's like a drug addict that mugs people to get money for a fix. We don't blame the person who was robbed, it was the junkie crime. Same thing here. You want to feel like a man and a human? Dump this toxic marriage.

Please. My heart is aching for you.

If what you write is true you have been abused beyond all reason. Google Stockholm Syndrome. Sorry to say this but you married a party girl. There is nothing to salvage here. Please at least find an IC.

I am probably 20 pounds overweight and shy. I make a lot of money as an engineer

You have options then.You have plenty of resourses available to you to get yourself into shape both physically and mentally.

Stop wasting it all on a gold-digger that's shit at even pretending to be a decent human being. YOU DO DESERVE BETTER.

even if we haven't had sex for so long--every marriage goes through dry spells right?

She shunned you and cheated from the beginning, man.This is not the usual marriage dry spell.

I'm so sorry for what she has been doing to you.

I need help but I also feel so desparate to get more information about what is going on.

You say you make good money, spend some of it on a private detective and get an unbiased account of what is going on. Please don't ask your wife what is going on because you are so desperate to stay married to her that if she said she was under the control of space aliens you would try to believe it.

You seemed more upset with yourself that you VIOLATED her privacy than the fact that she violated your trust, her wedding vows (this she did within hours of saying them) and has lied to you and cheated on you your entire marriage and probably the entire time you dated. I sure she didn't just first decide to cheat on your honeymoon.

You need to get yourself to an attorney and file because this is early enough in your marriage that you can probably split the assets and have no alimony. If you want additional info then hire a PI to get it for you. I personally believe that would be a waste of money because you have already seen the proof. The picture of him holding up your underwear and her giving it the finger truly sums up her feelings for you.

She may be beautiful on the outside but she ugly on the inside where it counts. Just thank your guardian angel for allowing you to find out before you had children or wasted any more time with her. There are plenty of women out there that are truly beautiful inside and will cherish and love you and will be faithful to you. Then you will see what true happiness can be and realize what you would have missed had you stayed with this horrible person. You first need to see an attorney to get rid of this leach who is only with you for the lifestyle you provide. I'm sure she and her friends are constantly laughing at how clueless you have been.

brokendreams94,

You have a bigger problem than an unfaithful wife, namely your complete absence of self-respect.

Please read "No More Mister Nice Guy." It will help you understand what is wrong with your thinking and give you exercises to rebuild your self-esteem.

You can download it here: https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf.

Please do it now.

I have not read all the responses…but those I have read suggest a fairly uniform response --- RUN.

I guess I’d have to agree. Even though I tend toward this suggestion I try to avoid posting it in this forum as the folks who come here are in the midst of a shitstorm and that kind of advice is often not especially helpful. But...I think this is an exception.

holding up my underwear and stretching them out (I am little overweight ) while my wife holds up middle finger to them.

If I interpret this behavior correctly….this is perhaps one of if not the most offensive and demeaning behaviors of a WS that I have seen on this site…and I have been here for over 12 years.

I feel very guilty for going through her phone which I know I shouldn't have done.

No. You shouldn’t feel guilty. When you read enough here you will happen upon the phrase “trust your gut”. I live by that mantra now. You did what you did because of what your gut was telling you. You did absolutely the right thing. No question.

bring myself back to feeling like a man and a human.

Yeah…you do this by slinging her off. From Day One she has abused and disrespected you. She does not deserve your respect.

You have no idea how my mind is just spinning

Indeed we do…in spades. You are getting a lot of advice. Most of it appears to lean in one direction. However, as they say here: Take what works for you and discard the rest. Only you can know what the best solution is.

And lastly….

As an engineer

I too am an engineer. And I was appalled at how my training and vocation eluded me during the height of the shitstorm. I am, if nothing, logical and pragmatic and both of those attributes failed me miserably -- as they appear to be for you.

In the end, I suppose I would ask you: are you capable of loving someone who would, intentionally and willfully, do these things to you – knowing that they would hurt you? Are you willing to give this person another “chance”…which is to say: Another opportunity to fuck you over yet again??

Ok…wait…one last thing. And I keep going back to this (bolded for emphasis):

There are pictures in our honeymoon suite at the hotel where this friend is holding up my underwear and stretching them out (I am little overweight ) while my wife holds up middle finger to them.

ON…..YOUR.….HONEYMOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Really ?!?!?!?

This says it all. Everything…abso-fucking-lutely says EVERYTHING you need to know.

Just sayin’

They say hindsight is 20/20, right?

And sometimes I ask myself what I would have done differently when I found out.

I found out by reading my XW's phone. She held on to it like it was welded to her hand, but one night, while we were visiting relatives (mine) for Thanksgiving, in Michigan, she left it charging in a different room than she was in and I saw it and pushed in the passcode and read a lot of emails between her and OM1. BAM.

We talked that night for a long time and then we went on with our lives in front of everyone like everything was fine.

In hindsight, I wish I would have sent her back to Minnesota that very night. "Here are the keys to the car. You pack your stuff and go. I'll bring our son back to MN in a few days. I"ll figure out how to get back. Don't worry about it."

But I didn't do that because I wanted to save my marriage.

And then about two months later, I found out about OM2. And I wish I would have packed her stuff and put it on the front porch for when she got back from a four hour time at his house. (I know because I had put a GPS tracker on her truck.) - I knew where she was that night. (I didn't know it was a different guy- )- but I wish I would have packed her stuff up and put it on the porch. She didn't have a key to the house. We hid one on the porch. I could have just brought it inside and she couldn't have gotten into the house. But again, I was worried I would lose my marriage.

That marriage was already gone. Neither one of us had the guts to call it.

If you do decide to confront her, BE STRONG. Allow yourself to be pissed. You haven't done anything wrong. There is nothing she should get pissed about. (but she will get pissed because that's what they do. - her world will spin upside down and she'll probably lash out.)

I was adamant I was going to do everything my own way to try to save my marriage. So many people on here gave me good advice that I wasn't capable of doing at that time. The plus side for me now, is that I can say I did EVERYTHING I could to save my marriage. But like has been said here before, if she doesn't want it, then it's not going to work. Right now, she doesn't show that she wants it.

Man I'm really sorry. I remember that "hair on fire" anxiety buzz that you're probably going through. It sucks. We've been there and we feel for you.

If my whole adult life has been a lie, what is left of me?

At the risk of sounding harsh, maybe you're being a tad bit over dramatic.

Think about the process of two people coupling up. They could meet in a bar, at a job they just joined a myriad of reasons, but it's random. You meet one person, one single human being who didn't have the respect for you to stop cheating over the course of your marriage.

Life is learning from the sum of your experiences, this maybe harsh but maybe this is a lesson you need to learn because you say your wife is your best friend

she often would take off and drink with her friends while I stayed behind.

I don't feel like she cares as much about me.

this friend is holding up my underwear and stretching them out (I am little overweight ) while my wife holds up middle finger to them.

Sorry boss but this doesn't sound like a wife let alone a friend.

she will get very angry with me and I don't want to do anything that would prevent reconciliation.

Why exactly do you want to reconcile with someone who seems to take pleasure in humiliating you in front of her lover, they are literally both laughing at you. Do you even know why you want to reconcile?

Dude its' better to be alone than to go through this torture. She's just a human being, plenty of other women out there who won't disrespect you.

Do not confront, if you can get into her phone again send yourself those pictures and out them somewhere as evidence then just see a lawyer, get a divorce and run from this cruel woman as fast as you can. Sure it will hurt but man it's better than tying yourself to this drama and pain for years to come.

She's not worth it.

Sweetie it's obvious that you have low self-esteem so working with an IC would be really good for you. I see that someone has also mentioned the book "No More Mr Nice Guy", this, IMO, is also a must for you. I'm going to treat you like a good friend and address some things in your posts that need challenging, and just like a friend would, I'm going to take a no holes barred approach.

I am not the most attractive man, I am probably 20 pounds overweight and shy.

So what? 9kgs is nothing and being shy certainly doesn't make you unattractive. This has nothing to do with your looks or how outgoing you are. Your looks can easily change they are nothing but a shell, its who you are as a person that matters most.

I make a lot of money as an engineer and my family had enough money to pay for a down payment on a house for us as a wedding present.

So, when I said she was with you for financial stability I was spot on. The woman you married is using you.

She is beautiful and the life of the party

Once again, looks are only skin deep. To truly determine whether she is in fact a beautiful person we should examine her character:

1. She's a cheat (this one's obvious)

2. She's a liar (omitting the truth is still lying)

3. She's disrespectful towards you (the honeymoon suite!)

4. She's not intimate with you (that's a big sign that she doesn't love you)

5. She's lazy (if she's got time to lay on her back she can get off her arse and get a job)

6. She's using you (you are a credit line to her, I bet you're even paying for the phone)

7. She's friends with low life characters (they all know what's going on and none of them have the decency to tell you, not even anonymously)

Clearly, she's not beautiful, and she's no friend to you.

every marriage goes through dry spells right?

A year is not a dry spell, sounds more like the Sahara to me, and as you know, you're the only one who has been missing out.

A few of you have said: "your marriage has been a lie." We are talking about my life for years. It is so hard to come to terms with that maybe being true.

Yes, it's hard and painful, but the truth nonetheless. We've all had the same realisation at some point that our marriages were not what we thought. But here's the thing, and this should appeal to you, the road out of infidelity is the same, whether you're divorcing or reconciling, but I'm jumping ahead of the game, you haven't even clarified if you want the infidelity to stop. Maybe you're fine being in a sexless, loveless marriage and your wife having a boyfriend?

Can you accept this as a new normal going forward?

She is not your best friend. A best friend does not treat you in the way you have described. You should not be worried at this point that she does not have a job that should be your least concern. You need to be concerned about you. Neither should you be worried about how she will react regarding how you found the evidence of her infidelities. This marriage is beyond repair and you need to consult with a divorce lawyer ASAP on how to proceed and how to protect your finances. You need to confront her about what you have found, and you to get a back up of the photos as much as is possible if you don't she'll delete them and say you have no proof to back up your accusations.

She really has not been acting strange at home, and so maybe there's just more to it.

Not trying to pile on but she probably hasn't been acting strange because what she's doing is nothing new for her. This might be a shock to you but I think you need to resign yourself to the fact that this behavior could have been going on far longer than you know, even before the marriage.

Like someone else said read No More Mr.Nice Guy which you can download for free as a PDF. Just google it.

And while many marriages have dry spells, most don't start barely a year into the marriage. We're talking several years down the road. Also she's not the one having a dry spell, you are. She's getting her physical needs met all on her own, it just doesn't involve you.

As others have said, it sounds like your wife is using you for a paycheck and not much else. You have the woman you thought your wife was on too high of a pedestal by far and yourself on too low of one.

While I'm not one to knock reconciliation right off the start I have to agree with what others have said. You need to get out of this marriage. You never really had one. You're only two years in, it doesn't sound like you have kids but if so that wouldn't change my opinion, you haven't been intimate with your wife for a year, and as far as you know she's been cheating your entire marriage (and I wouldn't be surprised if before that).

You have no foundation to rebuild your marriage on. You never had one.

It would also takes YEARS to recover a marriage after what she's done and from how you describe her, I doubt your wife would have much interest anyway.

Some therapy for yourself might not be such a bad idea. It's not a good sign that you discover your wife has been cheating on you with a friend your entire marriage, you've seen photos of her in the act, and the thought of ending things didn't even cross your mind until you saw people suggesting it here???

I have to disagree with whoever said your wife would fall to her knees begging you for forgiveness if you confronted her. For one you sound outright scared of confrontation because of how angry SHE might be at YOU. Second, despite the fact that you're the breadwinner, it sounds like she wears the pants in the relationship. I don't know many men who would tolerate their wife just going out all night without giving them any details and not asking many questions. That's beyond inappropriate and disrespectful. I'm surprised you didn't find that suspicious to begin with but now you KNOW what she's doing.

Now I personally think confrontation is WAAAYYY overrated. I've always felt the best strategy is to have them served with divorce papers or file and give them to the spouse and tell him/her to get a lawyer. When she asks why, tell her "I know about you and "whoever". You don't need to say how you know, just that you know and leave it at that. And if she tries denying it, then you know she's lying.

Sorry you're here but as a gentle 2x4, now is really the time to man up. Especially read the advice from others who have been in your situation.

Oh and also, if you DO confront, DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

[This message edited by JS84 at 1:10 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

I feel like I need to talk to her about what is going on, in case there's a story here. She really has not been acting strange at home, and so maybe there's just more to it.

There IS a story here . . . but do not expect it to be the one you believe you signed up for when you married this woman. You appear to be the "sugar daddy" for your wife to keep up her unfaithful lifestyle while you work to pay for it. You are in an open marriage. Your wife is using you. Yes, there is a story here: I suggest you let her tell that story to your lawyer.

I would have divorce papers on the kitchen counter waiting for her where she gets home from one of her nights out with "friends."

And as for her not acting strange at home . . . what is not strange about lying, with-holding sex, and constant acts of infidelity? What is normal about the photos on her phone?

And I agree with others . . . do not get this woman pregnant!

[This message edited by OneInTheSame at 1:36 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

And I agree with others . . . do not get this woman pregnant!

HOW!!! He said in his original post they haven't had sex in a year. Brokendreams, if she starts trying to have sex with you, then you will know she is pregnant by one of her other men.

Of course, she is with another man tonight. You should have taken an Uber to prove it to yourself if that's what you needed, but it is an obvious fact. Go get a good lawyer and file for divorce. It is the only rational option at this point.

BrokenDreams... people have posted a lot of advice but before I chip in I just want to send some big manly hugs your way. We've all been in some version of the same situation and it sucks way more than you expect it to than when affairs are just an abstract concept that happen to other people or in movies.

People have said a lot of things that must be hard for you to hear, and maybe you're not strong enough to handle all this right now. That's absolutely fine though! When my Wayward Girlfriend (together 9 years before you think it wasn't serious because we weren't married) was cheating on me I suspected but doubted my instincts that something was going on, and I was in the middle of a deep depression that I thought was making me paranoid about her behaviour. I know that if I'd discovered the truth at that point I wouldn't have been able to handle it.

When I did discover the truth by accident one morning I'd been on antidepressants for a few months and had become a little stronger emotionally thanks to a few new and rekindled friendships - though I still had a lot of work to do which is ongoing even now.

So I get it. Really honestly I do. Which is why all I'm going to suggest you do right now is look into counselling for yourself. You say you earn a decent salary so hopefully this won't break the bank. You don't even have to call anyone up right away, just google around and research a few, then call later in the week.

If you're able, you should try and back up the images from your wife's phone. If and when you do confront her about them she may try and pretend they don't exist, she might have already deleted them, she might pretend they were from before you got together. You will need them to keep you sane (as perverse as that sounds). if she has messages from him you should also try to back them up too.

Look after yourself man. Try to eat well, drink water and at least get some protein shakes in if you're not up to preparing meals. You're clearly a sensitive and intelligent guy with a good job, you've got a lot going for you and you can make it through this.