SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I make a lot of money as an engineer and my family had enough money to pay for a down payment on a house for us as a wedding present. She is beautiful and the life of the party

Like you, I started out life as an engineer and was paid well above what most of my college classmates received. My wife was also the beautiful/life of the party type. Another similarity is that I discovered that my wife was cheating on me about 2 years into marriage. It was horrific. I desperately wanted to hold onto her and, in hindsight, I can clearly see it was fear (afraid of being viewed as a failure, afraid of being alone, afraid of "losing" someone so attractive, etc.). I chose to "save the marriage" and I went down the path of "forgive/forget." It didn't work. Over the course of a couple decades of marriage, my wife ended up having several affairs all with men who I knew and who she proclaimed were "just friends", "like a brother", etc.

During the weeks after DDay (discovery day) as we tried to work through things, she said something that is still burned into my brain -- "Do you think it is OK to have one person for family and another for fun?" I should have paid more attention because that is exactly what she continued to live out. I was the rock solid, dependable person who provided for her, financed nice vacations, allowed her to live in nice homes, etc. However, when it came to "fun", it was other men that she was always chasing.

While your wife didn't verbally say the same words to you, her actions have and much, much worse. She is using you to provide her with all the material benefits she wants. She goes out as she pleases and spends your money. She doesn't work because she doesn't want to (because it would impede her "free" time) and she has planted the idea that she will be the stay at home mom when kids come along. She isn't being intimate with you not because it is a "dry spell", but because she is getting it elsewhere. She is using you. Even worse, her actions are incredibly abusive.

Do not repeat the mistakes I made by not waking up to who your wife really is. She only wants you for your money. I'd suggest...

1. Your wife and marriage is beyond repair given what she has done. She has been manipulating, controlling and abusing you for years and that is exactly what she will continue to do if you give her the chance. See an attorney and protect yourself.

2. Being shy and having low self-esteem is a challenge, but it really takes a hit through being betrayed. The truth is that you are intelligent, loving, hard working, valuable and worthwhile. You need to heal from what you've been through and come to a place where you begin to see that you deserve better than her. Please find a good IC who is trained in trauma, infidelity and codependency to help you to heal.

3. As other have mentioned, take a look at the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". You are being far too nice to your wife when the reality is that she is using and abusing you. Being able to see this pattern is going to be key to moving forward.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 4:42 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

HOW!!! He said in his original post they haven't had sex in a year.

It's not uncommon, especially when the WS is a female, after being confronted to try to throw sex at the BS to placate them or to get pregnant in order to keep the marriage going. Especially in the OP's case where he's been denied sex for a year. Suddenly diving back into it could really mess with his head.

I remember a really bad case on another site where the BS was denied sex, being cheated on by his WW, but the minute he confronted and started talking divorce his WW started throwing sex at him like a porn star and he ate it up, figured his marriage was completely recovered, and everything else went out the window as far as he was concerned.

Not necessarily saying OP's wife will do this, but if she does he needs to be prepared to turn her down.

I would like to share what goes on in my marriage so you can compare and decide what you want.

First my husband is about 40 pounds overweight. He isn't what you would traditionally call handsome although I think he is!

I live in a very nice home, drive a brand new car, spend money how I choose without any questions from him. I too don't work. What does he get in return?

A wife who is home EVERY night with a hot meal waiting on him. Because he works so many hours and gets home late the remote is his when he comes home lol. The house is clean and the laundry is done. He does nothing around the house, including yard work because that's all my job since he is busy making the money to support our lifestyle.

The only one here who says no to sex is him if he's too tired :)

He plans date nights and I dress up in heels, hair and make done and he makes me feel like a million bucks.

We work as a team.

Wouldn't you like a wife like that?

You can have one if you get rid of the leech you are married to.

There are tons of women who would love a husband like you, trust me on this.

^^^^

There are tons of women who would love a husband like you, trust me on this.

Ditto.

brokendreams24: I am so sorry you found yourself here and your story really made me feel horrible. One year without sex with your wife and that she has been doing all the stuff you wrote down tells a lot. How can one not have sex with his/her partner for a year and keep rejecting the partner? There is something big wrong here. I often refrain from expressing strong opinions but I wonder if your wife is fit for R? You need to talk to her and fully confront her - if she gets defensive and thinks nothing is wrong with what she did, just walk away. What should be your happiest times with the love of your life have been s..ed on. In my opinion, your wife is not a mature woman and is neither fit for a monogamous marriage nor R in a marriage. Please listen to what others have to say as there are some very experienced people here and I suggest IC. I wish you a lot of strength and patience and posting here is indeed a good way venting your emotions out.

I have read so many sad stories on here but this takes the biscuit.

BD, you deserve so much more than this. You are young, and seem thoughtful, giving, kind and intelligent. This is a gift in disguise, although it might not seem it at the moment. You have a chance to change your life and go forward to have a relationship with someone who actually likes and loves you, who wants to be with you, not out to the small hours half the week. To be with someone who is attracted to you and wants to have sex with you. That could be your life, not this half life with someone who doesn't appreciate you, want you or respect you. You deserve to have all these things.

The only thing standing on your own way is your own low self-esteem, and this is something you can work on. I think IC is absolutely vital for you. Please don't think so little of yourself that you think that this marriage is the best that you can have. It isn't.

I wish I were as eloquent as have the posters on here. But I've never seen a post with such a unanimous response and I can only add my voice to it. Run. Grab this chance with both hands and run.

This is so bad that I must say it seems not real.

Noone can this be dumb! Sorry, but its true.

Your story is that you know your wife is fucking other people, has essentially cut you off from sex, uses you for your engineering based income, you got a down payment as a present from your parents, you are ugly and fat and she is gorgeous and you are lucky to have her even if she is fucking other men. Have I got this right ?

You see now how if this is real it seems too bad to be true and if it is not real, you haven't done a good job of concocting this.

You know what you have to do. Thats all you'll hear from me on this but I am sure others will want to "continue to offer you advice and support".

To add,

This all must be very overwhelming for you, the discovery itself and all the good advice you are receiving, no wonder your head is spinning.

All here know from similar experiences what you are going through, and all are here for you.

Now, if you are afraid or uncertain of how to act, you can just start with silently - not letting her know anything - consulting a lawyer and an individual counselor to talk about this situation.

No harm is done if you just silently start sharing with a lawyer and a counselor what is going on, and at the same time gathering information that may be of use to you, is that not the case?

If you agree, then please do so, it may help you. Also, please share your thoughts and situation with us, so we can offer help. Good luck.

A psychologist will be able to help you.

brokendreams94,

First, I'm sorry that you are here but as so many others have said you have found a great place for advice and support.

On 1/6/17 I found out that my WW of 10yrs had an A. We have two amazing kids, twins 7yrs old.

It hurts so much to think that maybe we won't get to have children together now.

Kids don't make a marriage easier, they make it infinitely harder, your focus shift from each other to the kids and you have to work even hard to maintain your connectivity to your spouse. Kids only put a spotlight on issues you are already struggling with and make D even harder.

You cannot control your WW but you can control yourself. A few weeks ago I was recommended the book Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. and it may be helpful to you also. Since you and I sound similar; 20lbs overweight, financially successful, I manage a large team of engineers, and I'm a provider (i.e., we find pleasure from supporting/giving to others). This book helped me realize that I need to focus on myself, create my identity, create that man I want to be. Honestly, I've been working out for over a month now and have gone down at least one belt size. I'm also getting IC, I never thought I would need a counselor, but hell man we have never had to deal with shit like this. Take the first step and get yourself some support. Find what makes you happy independent of your WW. You cannot look to her for happiness, expect nothing from her. Expect everything from yourself, you are a man, mold yourself into the man you want to be.

This isn't going to be easy, I have up and down days. Find a release for the pain, cry, get angry, punch a punching bag, anything to get the release you need. Life is hard, but you have to keep moving forward. Continue to seek support and advice, hell I do, and it helps knowing others are out there supporting you. You are not alone in this.

The worst thing you can do now is not take action. Protect yourself.

Life is not about what could be or what could have been, it's about what you make it, one day at a time.

Am I the only one on here that thinks this whole post of brokendreams94 is a totally made up and complete BS, at first I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, but with only three post from him so far, and an awful lot of posts from the good people who make up this site offering advice and comfort, I started to be distrustful of its validity, so I copied and pasted all three of his posts into one place and then read through them again and again without reading any of the reply’s, and for me the whole thing just does not ring true or gel together right, so can I suggest some or all of you who have replied to him do the same before forming an opinion and decision, to either come down on me saying I’m wrong or if you agree with what I think.

I might fall foul of the admin here but there again they might think the same as I

Regards bje49

I think I'd prefer to err on the side of caution and offer support to someone with a bogus story vs further attacking someone who is already traumatized.

And sadly, it's not like I can say "No, there's no way a Wayward would be that cruel." I've seen stories of even crueler behavior.

My heart just breaks for you. The abuse is astounding. You did not deserve any of it.

I am the BS of a man that cheated on me since we were engaged. He continued for nearly all of our almost two decade relationship. I know this is not what you want to hear, but

RUN!!! Run as fast as you can. Run and don't look back. Run before you have assets to worry about. Run before you have children and have to worry about splitting their home. Run before the prime of your life is gone. Run before your looks start to fade. Run before you have decades of heartbreak behind you. Run before you've got years of your life that were being manipulated. Run before you have to look back and realize you were never valued, loved, appreciated. Run before you get a variety of STDs. And it does happen. I got 3, that's how I found out.

Run to an opportunity for a real relationship. One where your love and care are reciprocated. One where loyalty and respect are mutual. You deserve it.

I have a pretty good BS meter and it has been going up to 11 with this story.

I think we should always err on the side of caution, but no man calls being cut off 1 year into marriage for an ENTIRE YEAR a dry spell.

Also completely doubt that the WW would do these acts in the honeymoon suite. Why wouldn't she go to his room?

The middle finger to his underwear? Ridiculous.

The odds that a person in their early 20s would have both parents deceased is also quite low.

Like I said, I think it's best to err on the side of caution but this is completely unbelievable.

Just my opinion.

[This message edited by Mark6 at 11:13 AM, February 20th (Monday)]

Yeah,I too thought it fake. Troll

brokendreams - wk55 is right. If your story is true, we won't be able to help you much here. For you to be willing to take this kind of abuse from your wife speaks to a level of self-esteem that can't be fixed by the people here. You need to find a psychologist that can help you. I really hope you take *that* advice.

good luck friend.

Well she keeps her Touch ID enabled at all times and uses a passcode ,then falls asleep and it's mysteriously unlocked? Hmmm . Only way it is unlocked is if he caught it before it goes into sleep mode which is only a few minutes after she last touched it.

BD94, You deserve better than she is offering.

Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would not confront her. I would simply get to my attorney and find out the easy and cheap way to divorce her

Strength

T/J IMO, let the mods do their work.

I thought I also smelled a troll. Apologies if that is not the case.

I have a pretty good BS meter and it has been going up to 11 with this story.

That thought hit me this morning, too. And I'm one that usually believes the best about a person. To a fault.

I hope I'm wrong because it's kind of a shitty thing to do. What does does someone get out of doing this?