SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I see that you removed your original post and have, more than likely, moved on believing that you are now the betrayer. This makes me very sad for you and your marriage.

If by any chance you see this comment, let me remind you of a few things:

After your wife connected with her uncle your marriage began to suffer because she stopped working with you to improve your marriage. There were several weeks when he was out of contact and suddenly your marriage improved again, then your marriage backslid into dysfunction again when they regained contact.

The sheer number of messages and hours of Skyping were astronomical. This affected your marriage and quality of time your wife spent on your family.

Their behavior was bad enough that your MIL and her sisters were alarmed.

You did nothing wrong in bringing this to light and caring enough about your marriage to do some investigating. I still believe that your wife had an emotional affair, even if her original intentions were innocent.

I doubt you will see this, but if you feel the need to discuss this EA in the future please return to SI. You will be welcome.

No folks, there is nothing there, I was wrong, I involved her mother and sister instead of just approaching her. Thanks for all the advice, but there was nothing there and I betrayed her.

She is using classic techniques used by waywards to blameshift all on you.

You didn't betray her trust by snooping - You were protecting your marriage, something that she was not doing.

You are operating without a full idea of what has really happened. What your wife did with the skyping, texting, and communicating with her "Uncle" isn't what a normal friendship does.

I am a wayward who has cheated multiple times and this doesn't even pass the smell test to me. She is using this as an Exit from your marriage. So she can blame you for it falling apart and you have bought it hook, line and sinker.

Cheaters follow the same script. I blameshifted my wife, I blamed everything but myself. But in the end I had to face the reality that I was the one at fault, not her, not the marriage, not anyone else.

Another thing to consider. Your mother in law, and sister in law, have reason to tell you there's nothing inappropriate going on here.

They are her family. Not you. Blood is thicker than water. This is basically a form of incest. They wouldn't want anyone to know if there is an affair. It would embarrass everyone in the family. They don't know what you would do..if you would tell people. Their instinct is to close ranks and protect the family..Their daughter..Their sister.

You seem to be a very trusting man. You believe the man who is taking your wife's attention from you. You believe her family who have so many reasons to keep this from you. And you believe your wife, who is so clearly lying to you. You've even admitted she's lying in your first post.

I will say I think it's pretty shitty to ask the mods to delete this entire thread. You have many members who have taken their time to help you, and you're basically thumbing your nose at us.

[This message edited by confused615 at 12:16 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

Wondering if this member gave his wife access to this site (huge mistake) and has now deleted all his messages bc she is going bonkers.

If he's shown this to her, or if she's found it somehow...

I think he can expect her to go "off script" for awhile. Just so she can say, "Look, they were all wrong... I didn't x, y, z."

She'll have to jump through a lot of hoops to avoid the script entirely though. I mean the manipulation that was predicted is already happening. The gaslighting. The blaming.

Really, really sucks for OP.

I hope mods don't delete threads.

This makes me so incredibly, INCREDIBLY sad.... we all know this feeling. Boy do we ever.

I feel the wife could have written or "made him" write the last post.

Gah, I am so sad about this.

[This message edited by pink carnation at 12:36 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

I understand it, though. At least I think I do.

My first M was very dysfunctional, but due to my FOO I was terrified of abandonment. I could NOT be divorced. If we had problems, I was absolutely surely to blame because of my depression, or lack of intelligence (yeah) or insecurities etc. I believed it, truly. Besides, I really didn't want my kids to have to go through a divorce. I was desperate to keep that toxic relationship.

We went to MC where the MC gently said to H, "Do you think you might be emotionally abusive to Findingjoy?"

Oh my goodness H got MAD. He was fuming!!! And what did I do? I started backpeddling on everything I had said. I sat there and made apologies for H's behavior. What codependence. I couldn't think for myself and he had me so wrapped up in knots, afraid he'd leave me.

Eventually he did leave me for an 18 year old girl (14 years his junior). And thank God.

I think OP is desperate to keep his M.

He thinks whatever happened wasn't bad enough to call her on it and risk D.

He is buying that it's his fault (so, so sad)

He's doing damage control, backpeddling, just as she wants him to do.

No guys, there is nothing. yes I want to save my marriage but I think it's un-saveable at this point. She read this thread (I didn't share it with her) and is unbelievably hurt. I hurt her, and I think I was wrong. I had concerns with the extent of her relationship with him, but rather than talk to everyone about it I should have told her directly.

Thanks for all the advice, I know you meant well, but it didn't apply in this situation. She's a good hurting person that I just hurt more.

If you didn't share this site with her, how did she find out? It sounds like she's doing a bit of snooping herself huh?

She's lying. Unless she took a polygraph and passed it, there is no proof good enough to believe that this amount of interaction with the man she considers her uncle was appropriate. She is lying to you. She has you thinking you are abusive and controlling. She is the abuser here. If she thinks she is so innocent, then she should post her story here. But she won't, because she knows we see through her bullshit. You are being lied to. The fact that she came looking for your post here on an infidelity website, iS pretty telling.

Holy crap. Have we been played? If not, I'm so sorry for you. It's hard to see what's right in front of your nose.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 1:27 PM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

YOU did NOTHING wrong!

WUL, Confused beat me to this one, I agree double-down...Poly her ass. Anyone who has truly been through this EA to PA can tell you (and go ahead Ms. WUL go for it) she is bullsh*t'g you.

I came here by accident, looking for something unrelated 20plus years after D-Day (in fact 25yrs to the date her EA is just beginning with my best friend, I like you saw something wasn't right even in the beginning. Guarded conversations on a land-line phone (People rarely had cell phones in 1992).

Like you I denied, denied, denied...suffered immense doubt, humiliation, blow to self-esteem, and not knowing how to stop it once it blow up into a full blown affair.

She will learn from her mistakes, but it will continue (Mrs. WLU we know, your an addict, not drugs but the actions are the same and you will not stop).

No one comes to post here with the belief they are trying hurt the person trying to get help. I do it in belief; if I could have found a site like this with information that is posted here, it could have saved the harm that happen to myself in the past. That's a pipe dream...none of the existed 25 years ago.

Most like me just had to suck it up and handle it by their selves. You struck a chord, I saw a piece of me in you. The one that so wants to not believe this is happening, that they will shut off the logical side of their brain, and not believe what inner voice is telling them.

It may take a while, but you will catch her. The phone is you answer. Spend the damn money have her polygraphed no matter what she says to you. Let her threaten you with divorce. I reconciled, but that was only after catching her in the middle of the PA, no more denial, no more bullshit from her. My way or Divorce. My original M died that day. I have a new one, and yes same wife.

I hope both of you read it. I hope your future posts are not in Just Found Out; because that forum is just painful to read sometimes.

I have reason to believe that the person deleting the posts isn't OP or that OP is being closely watched. He is completely contradicting what he previously posted.

The original suspicious behavior included this:

My wife started to change the passwords to all her devices, use snapchat more, and was always hiding her phone screen away from me (We have always been open about letting each other on our devices).

He's now claiming that he never spoke with her or confronted her, but instead went to her mother. Originally he posted this:

I straight up asked her what was going on, and she said he's her best friend and they talk about everything. Anytime I say anything about how concerned I am about how much they talk I'm accused of not trusting her and being jealous. And honestly, yes, I am jealous that my wife is spending more time talking to him than me (especially as we have been having our own marital issues that started around the same time she started talking to him). I almost feel like she is having an emotional affair with him (She doesn't think of him in a sexual way but I think that's essentially what is happening). But I can't say anything or she makes me feel like I'm crazy.

He now says he was mistaken but posted this:

I wasn't too worried about it, she was lying to me and saying that she only talked to him for a few minutes once every few days, but then I got our phone bill. Since he came back stateside they have been texting thousands of messages, and hours of phone calls at all hours of the day and night (and yes, I know this is him, it's his number and I've talked to him on this number before).

I was starting to feel that I was losing it, but now I think we are being gaslighted.

Everything about their relationship is wrong. I feel so badly about how they are manipulating you and making you question your perfectly valid feelings. If she divorces you, it is because she wants to continue her relationship with him. Not because you have done anything wrong.

Pretend it is a couple years ago. You connect with a new found family member pretty near your age. You start texting her non-stop. You stay up all night to talk to her. You go away and leave your wife at home--because you want to hang out with your new bff. You even tell your wife you want to move so you can be closer to your new bestie.

Honestly, your wife would have supported that?! She would have said, "I am so happy about your new friend! Yes, let's move!" She would not have been upset, jealous, suspicious, angry . . nothing????

Exactly.

You know the truth and so do we.

Let this play out as it will, but as time goes on--married or divorced--the truth will reveal itself to you. So sorry. She has treated you very badly. Very.

I hope this thread does not disappear! I'm guessing the wife has the husband's SI user name and password?

I feel very sad for the H- I have heard the exact same things from my H and his OW - I'm the controlling crazy one - I've invaded his privacy, nothing is going on, etc. It's hard to deal with when you love your spouse and just want everything back so badly.

I hope the H will tell the OBS immediately and if there is a divorce, have plenty of notes/evidence for the court to get custody of the child!!

Gas lighting of epic proportions. Good luck to you.

I have reason to believe that the person deleting the posts isn't OP or that OP is being closely watched. He is completely contradicting what he previously posted.

Thanks pambear for pasting his posts together. His latest posts weren't jiving with my recollection of his initial confrontation.

Whether he caved under incredible manipulation or someone else is posting with his account, it is sad to see him abused.

WLU, you will always have our support to help you move out of infidelity.

You should never have to compete with another man for your wife's attention.

Folks, no more please. this is OP, my wife has read this thread, it has destroyed her, there is no affair, I handled this all wrongly and I will be pursuing counseling for myself and my wife will be pursuing IC.

DO NOT REPLY PLEASE!

MODS PLEASE DELETE!

creating this thread was a mistake, and having my wife be able to find it was a mistake.

People are responding because you're refusing to answer what proof she gave you that showed this isn't an affair. If you could just tell us, the speculation would stop.

Also...your first post you said you confronted her about the uncle and all the time she was spending talking to him...but later you said she's hurt that you didn't come to her first.

Inconsistent comments, to say the least.

This thread has destroyed her??

Yet her choosing to devote so much time to this other man..And her saying she wants a break from your marriage..didn't destroy you?

Of course it did. But it seems she is only concerned about her feelings not yours.

Really...this OP and his wayward wife remind me of another member,dazedandconfused..or was it dazedandlost?..that started out saying he was to blame for his wife's one time affair...then his wife read the comments and claimed we were abusing her...but with our support..He kept pushing for the truth..only to find out it was several other men. But she too,felt so hurt. Right. Because we could see through her lies and bullshit.