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General :
Wife has an innapropriate relationship with her uncle

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wk55hn ( member #44159) posted at 8:19 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

She's having sex with him now.

It happens all the time - not the uncle stuff, but all the rest of it.

Stop sticking your head in the sand. Tell his wife he thinks he is cheating with your wife.

posts: 4790   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2014
id 7803264
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pink carnation ( member #34310) posted at 8:35 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Dear one, know that we are just here supporting you, as we have been there and everywhere. I know it seems brutal, but she couldn't be showing more flags if she were standing there holding one. I remember when I asked the board if my XWH could have been platonic, and he was doing these same things. Everyone gave me these same reactions. At first I was like "they cannot know MY situation"..... but honestly all that changes in these stories is dates, names, times, and very little else.

I am thinking you already know the answer, deep somewhere..... but be kind to yourself. We are here.

2010 was Ddays galore and my INDEPENDENCE! Happily remarried to someone else!

Someone who cannot clearly choose you, is not worth you time or your tears.

Don't pass up on the chance on a do over, when it is handed to you on a silver

posts: 2964   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2011   ·   location: TX
id 7803276
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 wifeloveuncle (original poster new member #57715) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

[This message edited by wifeloveuncle at 11:32 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

posts: 13   ·   registered: Mar. 6th, 2017
id 7803281
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findingjoy ( member #46546) posted at 8:50 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Okayyyy.

1. IF she sees that the relationship with her uncle was/is inappropriate then "snooping" is irrelevant. If she agrees she went too far, then she has no right to be accusatory. You were protecting your marriage, unlike her. Right?

2. IF she sees that the relationship with her uncle was/is inappropriate she has to agree to NC. It is/was an EA (at BEST), meaning unhealthy and she needs a new best friend or counselor to confide in. An EA is an A. And that means NC. She's lived pretty much her whole life without this uncle, she can easily cut him out and be just fine.

I really hope that she agrees with the above. If not, I worry for you.

ETA - if she doesn't see it as inappropriate, but everyone else does (you, mom, sisters), then she's got serious issues with boundaries and understanding what an EA is.

[This message edited by findingjoy at 2:52 PM, March 7th (Tuesday)]

No pm's with male members.
Me: 50
Him: FWH 61
2 previous Ms: 2 adult DD's
Together 11 yrs, M 9 yrs. Dday 01/20/15
2 PA's (one was a 2 yr LTA) Reconciled.

posts: 1913   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 7803291
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Sordid ( member #50143) posted at 9:03 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

One way to clear most of this up is to read the text messages she's sent and received to him.

If she has nothing to hide, she should agree to this. If she refuses "because you're invading her privacy", then she's hiding something. Given the choice between having you read some harmless text messages for 15 minutes and realizing that she was telling the truth, vs. keeping her precious privacy intact and having you suffer and worry for the rest of your life that she had an affair, any decent human being would clearly choose the former. It's not even a contest, it's just so clearly and absolutely the right thing to do. Refusal = cover up.

If you decide to do this, do not tell her on the phone, or she will erase some or all of them if they are incriminating. Ask her face to face when both of you have some time, and do not let her leave the room with her phone at any point before you read the messages, or she'll use that time to delete them.

“One of the cruelest things you can do to another person is pretend you care about them more than you really do.” Douglas Coupland

posts: 225   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2015
id 7803302
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wk55hn ( member #44159) posted at 9:14 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Bullshit. Staying up on the couch, talking all day and night with UNC, tell me one single friend in her entire life, you included, who she ever spent even half that much time and effort?

What did you expect these two cheaters to say? Admit to it?

Ask her to take a polygraph, tell her if she passes you'll drop it. See what she says.

posts: 4790   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2014
id 7803317
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Freeme ( member #31946) posted at 10:31 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

He said he did not see my wife that way, that he was disgusted, he even called me to talk. I honestly think he's telling the truth, and that any feelings in their relationship are one sided with my wife.

Be aware that he might be acting/saying these things to keep you from telling his wife. Did he promise not to have any contact with your WW?

I'd contact his wife regardless and tell her that "something" is going on between these two and see what she has to say. She can either be another set of eyes watching them or tell you that she has already caught them... or that he has had several affairs... You don't know until you talk to her.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WW OR OM YOU ARE GOING TO CONTACT THE OBS. You might want to threaten him with it but it will only backfire... WW and OM will paint you as some controlling, crazy man, and OBS will never get to hear the whole story.

Please do this.

posts: 2807   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 7803383
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MadOldBat ( member #44146) posted at 10:35 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Have you googled GSA?

Your WS's feelings and confusion s are so common given the situation, that it actually has a name and definition.

Knowledge is power.

You may or may not be able to retake the initiative, once you have educated yourself as to the parameters of this type of affair.

. Stay strong, MOB

Keeping my chin(s) up whilst getting divorced.

posts: 3990   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2014   ·   location: In House Separation.
id 7803387
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pink carnation ( member #34310) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I still feel like these people may be gaslighting. I hope not, but the behavior is there. Thousands of texts about WHAT in the world?????? The facts and words do not match.

2010 was Ddays galore and my INDEPENDENCE! Happily remarried to someone else!

Someone who cannot clearly choose you, is not worth you time or your tears.

Don't pass up on the chance on a do over, when it is handed to you on a silver

posts: 2964   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2011   ·   location: TX
id 7803392
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findingjoy ( member #46546) posted at 10:48 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

PinkCarnation,

Oh, I do, too.

She *may admit that the "friendship" made others uncomfortable, but I doubt she will freely admit that it was actually inappropriate. If she did, she'd have to admit it was an EA (probable PA). I don't see that happening.

And that's why she'll probably get her back up, harp on being embarassed because he "snooped" and complain again about him being controlling.

And that is why I really don't think she'll agree to NC. If she does, the OP should back off and take his investigation underground, because it's likely she took the A underground.

No pm's with male members.
Me: 50
Him: FWH 61
2 previous Ms: 2 adult DD's
Together 11 yrs, M 9 yrs. Dday 01/20/15
2 PA's (one was a 2 yr LTA) Reconciled.

posts: 1913   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 7803397
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pink carnation ( member #34310) posted at 11:26 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Now begins the "I feel controlled and you should trust me, quelle horreur"..... that is the next move from the manipulative side of things. IMHO

I feel for you.

2010 was Ddays galore and my INDEPENDENCE! Happily remarried to someone else!

Someone who cannot clearly choose you, is not worth you time or your tears.

Don't pass up on the chance on a do over, when it is handed to you on a silver

posts: 2964   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2011   ·   location: TX
id 7803431
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Phantasmagoria ( member #49567) posted at 11:37 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

They're both lying. Have experienced it. Have seen it here hundreds of times. It's only a matter of time when, not if, you'll be sure. Then the blaming will start, the MIL will likely switch sides, see you as the cause of her daughters suddenly announced years of unhappiness that nobody knew about, because it isn't true!

I'm not being cynical, it's just the same script that plays out here time and time again. Groundhog Day: The WW sequel!

Keep coming back here, the folks here at SI are the best counselling aid you will find anywhere. Don't tell your WW or her half-Uncle/half-boyfriend about this site...it is your safe place.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2015
id 7803443
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AffairofPast ( member #55530) posted at 11:47 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

Look there is a reason you decided to post here. Your story has modern similarities. 25 years ago, so no social media or cell phones, and replace "uncle" with best friend and viola.

Like me you are in serious denial. You don't want to see what your gut is telling you something is wrong.

Your wife is gaslighting you, making you think you are going crazy, creating doubt. Blameshifting "You're the one who is jealous and controlling. Has she accused you of "just being insecure" yet?

This is cheater's manipulation to create doubt. Because deep down that inner voice is screaming to you "SOMETHING IS WRONG", and you're refusing to listen.

Your wife is in dangerous territory. It was not a coincidence that he just showed up, this was planned.

Really, which relatives stayed up to 4am???? Which sister fiiinnnaallly went to bed at 2 ish am, so they could talk alone together on the sofa.

Not trying to make you mad here, just wake you up. I am not going to say it involves non-recoverable sex, but I would give it 100% probability for kissing, and 85% close touching if you're lucky. Just saying, if the last person went to bed as late as 3am, it leaves an hour. A lot can happen in an hour.

People here have pointed out enough red flags; and deep down you know the red flags are true. 100% certainty EA.

If you flounder in denial, the potential for PA (if it is not too late already) seriously goes up as long as they have 1-on-1 alone time. Who else went shooting with them, is this an opportunity to go to a remote location, just the two of them?

I can tell you with confidence, replace your three characters with mine, and I know the outcome, mine went from EA to PA in 2mo. - it started with talking.

I stayed in denial "She won't do that", he's my best friend", yeah I too did not follow my instincts and trust my gut.

You may be borderline too late, but I can tell you sit back, don't follow any of the advice of people who have been through this; and you won't like the result.

I haven't finished reading the thread, but if/when she comes back watch for:

She has become cold and distant

She is thinking of a separation to clear her head

She is more argumentative over small things

She tells you all the M problems have been going on for a long time.

If you see radical change, the PA has started. Remember half uncle, not a "real relative". People who become "in love", can rationalize the irrational.

The faster you attack this, the better off you are. I did not have anyone to talk to 25 years ago, I made all of your mistakes and more. The only thing that save me and the M, when I said with conviction "No More". It still didn't stop the pain. Knowing what I know now; telling myself what I know then, I could have stopped/minimized the damage.

posts: 116   ·   registered: Oct. 8th, 2016   ·   location: Southwest USA
id 7803451
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findingjoy ( member #46546) posted at 11:53 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2017

I just wanted to point you to another thread so you can see how this plays out when the WS rewrites marital history and says they were never happy.

It's right out of the Cheater's Handbook, it's so common:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=601198

No pm's with male members.
Me: 50
Him: FWH 61
2 previous Ms: 2 adult DD's
Together 11 yrs, M 9 yrs. Dday 01/20/15
2 PA's (one was a 2 yr LTA) Reconciled.

posts: 1913   ·   registered: Jan. 28th, 2015
id 7803457
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pink carnation ( member #34310) posted at 3:31 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

Findingjoy, I was just about to say "marital history rewrite" is also a next popular step. Ugh...

2010 was Ddays galore and my INDEPENDENCE! Happily remarried to someone else!

Someone who cannot clearly choose you, is not worth you time or your tears.

Don't pass up on the chance on a do over, when it is handed to you on a silver

posts: 2964   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2011   ·   location: TX
id 7803623
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sassylee ( member #45766) posted at 5:31 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

If the uncle is truly shocked by this train of thought - that his relationship with your wife is straining your marriage, then HE will implement no contact. Wouldn't you? If you found out a blood relative was putting her relationship in Jeoprady by texting you - wouldn't you cool off the contact? If your relatives thought you were having an affair with your niece, wouldn't you put as much distance between the two of you as possible?

Your wife said she would choose you. So now - make her choose. Her emotional connection (in the best light) was interfering with your marriage. It was toxic to your relationship - so it is reasonable to ask your wife to distance herself from him...

My R(eformed)WH had a 5 month EA in 2012
In my 7th year of R
“LOVE is a commitment, not an emotion. It is a conscious act of a covenant of unconditional love. It is a mindset and a thought process.” - BigHeart2018’s Professor

posts: 11459   ·   registered: Nov. 29th, 2014   ·   location: 🇨🇦
id 7803682
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trojan007 ( member #36960) posted at 6:58 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

Oh my God how could someone be that clueless oh my God

posts: 112   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2012   ·   location: Valencia, CA 91355
id 7803698
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pink carnation ( member #34310) posted at 7:27 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

I am shocked he was "shocked". That is not an insult to you, but to the half/uncle....

2010 was Ddays galore and my INDEPENDENCE! Happily remarried to someone else!

Someone who cannot clearly choose you, is not worth you time or your tears.

Don't pass up on the chance on a do over, when it is handed to you on a silver

posts: 2964   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2011   ·   location: TX
id 7803705
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nme1 ( member #44360) posted at 9:43 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

I'm with wk, bullshit.

What does his wife say? Does she know that he's been spending all hours chatting to your wife?

Me: BS
Him: WS
M 16 yrs 2 x DS
D-Day 6th March 2014

posts: 1361   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2014   ·   location: Australia
id 7803727
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JS84 ( member #48148) posted at 10:10 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2017

I think they're both gas lighting the hell out of everyone. No one's mind wants to go to incest but it does happen. I've read more than enough stories about long lost relatives meeting and falling for each other. Not sure if it's a case of it here but google "Genetic Sexual Attraction" and do some reading to see if there's a similar pattern.

And I agree you should really try to get a hold of the Uncle's wife and compare notes. I'm sure she knows something is off as well.

posts: 443   ·   registered: Jun. 6th, 2015
id 7803731
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