SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Polygraph...'nuf said.

Your story kind of reminds me of mblinks. In his case his WW became obsessed with her cousin... Everyone let it go because they were related... until he found out the truth.

The link is to one of his most resent threads(not the one you want). He is doing well but now writes from the Divorce and Separation forum. You can post to the link below asking him for his original thread "Exercise Buddies" in the JFO forum. I think you will see a lot of similarities between your stories.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=585783&HL=52745

Well, I and my MIL confronted my wife, and I was wrong, there was nothing. My wife gave me evidence to prove it. Now she seems to think that because of the lack of trust, plus our other marriage issues, there is no reason for us to be married anymore.

How can you recover from this? Or can you?

Whether they were being inappropriate or not - this was interfering with your marriage. Like I said earlier - this could be knitting class or golf - if she's doing it so much that it's causing her to neglect her marriage then your concerns are valid.

It sounds like your wife doesn't want to be in the marriage period - and you can't make her work on it - but don't let her blame your mistrust. It was her neglect that led to your mistrust.

How can there be evidence?

Isn't it pretty much logically impossible to prove a negative?

Just curious because I think we're all still extremely skeptical.

Regardless, considering the time and effort she spent in whatever relationship she has with her uncle, it's still an EA.

It's an EA if that relationship negatively affects her intimacy with you and creates an imbalance of attention and affection. If it's draining energy from your marriage it's unhealthy. Do you believe it is (at best) an EA? Does she agree?

It was her neglect that led to your mistrust.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This

[This message edited by findingjoy at 9:52 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

My wife gave me evidence to prove it.

Did she let you read the text exchanges between them?

Ya know, my biggest issue with my WH isn't that he had sex with other woman. No. It's the fact he put So. Much. Effort... into the affairs with them and has NEVER given me half of that.

You have e every right to snoop and be concerned with where your wife's efforts, attention, focus etc. is. Marriage isn't 50/50. It's 100/100. And she needs to understand that your concerns are valid when she was giving another man all of her attention, attention that should have been spent on You!

We then got into a fight about how she felt I was snooping on her

You express anxiety and pain over concerns you have and her reaction is...

A. Being empathetic and loving in her words to you

B. Putting your mind at ease through action (coming home ASAP)

C. Berating you for learning that she is up until 4AM with him

She chose C. It's not only unloving and disrespectful, but it is a continuation of manipulative/controlling behavior on her part.

he even called me to talk. I honestly think he's telling the truth

Oh no.

When I discovered on my cell phone bill that my wife and BFF (a neighbor, father of my kid's friends, husband of my wife's BFF and the family we spent significant time with) had increased their texting to each other to thousands per month over a few months, I sat down and talked with my BFF. Face to face. He looked me in the eyes and told a story of how it wasn't what it appeared to be. I walked away believing that he was telling the truth -- that the quantity just reflected a good friendship, that there was nothing there, that their banter was innocent but the quantity just got carried away, that they'd cut back because they didn't want to cause worry, etc.

What ended up happening was...

1. They knew how they had been caught and figured out other ways of communicating

2. The affair went underground and intensified

3. They successful hid things for 3 more months until my BFF's wife caught them

Back to your situation. Go back to what you KNOW...

1. Their texting/Skype quantity was out of hand

2. Their timing of communication showed a deep level of commitment to each other

3. Your wife's treatment of you corresponded to her time with him (both when she was/wasn't Skyping/texting and when she went no contact with you for her visit)

You KNOW that, at a minimum, their relationship was inappropriate and a full EA.

she's doing some thinking, as am I.

Your only conclusion should be that your wife has been having an EA with her uncle. Even her uncle threw some blame her way indicating that if anyone had feelings it was her. While I don't think that is the whole truth and is a manipulative/gaslighting tactic on his part, it does underscore that your wife is fully at fault here. Her actions have been WAY out of line, she needs to own up to that and she needs to go full NC (no contact) with her uncle if she wants to save the marriage.

The result of her thinking better be right along that line -- that it was inappropriate, that it was an EA, that it was unloving/disrespectful to you and that she needs to take immediate steps to fix things. That means, for starters, she cuts short her visit (or, at an absolute minimum, the uncle goes home NOW) and her uncle does not come to visit at your house. When she gets home, she is fully honest (i.e. seeing ALL of her texts and not finding gaps in them would be a good start), she is transparent (you get access to everything, there is no deleting and no apps that allow hidden communication show up in the coming days/weeks) and then she seeks out help for herself (i.e. an individual counselor).

Given what you've written about her so far, I'm betting that you'll get something different. She and your uncle will realize that they've been caught through phone records and the eyes around them during the visit. They'll come up with a storyline to minimize/excuse their closeness and, very possibly, to make you look jealous, manipulative, controlling and paranoid. Something along the lines of "my husband and I haven't been getting along so well because he is _______ and my uncle has been a confidant and help in encouraging me to find ways to fix our marriage" would be a common tactic. They'll also sort out ways to hide their communication -- anything like WhatsApp, Facebook Messenger, etc. can serve the purpose or, at a more advanced level , she could get a burner phone. Then they will be on their best behavior when they are around your mom or anyone else and will find ways to withdraw away from others to get time alone. They may even try to press forward with his visit to your house. Once they are apart again, your wife will make sure that communications you can detect are limited or even non-existent.

Don't accept anything less than the love and respect you deserve. Don't allow her to make excuses. Don't tolerate her trying to twist the story into "You're snooping" or "You are being controlling". Don't let her shift blame with anything like "Our marriage sucks because you _______, so I went elsewhere for attention. It's ultimately your fault." And certainly don't accept her "thinking" all the way into the weekend while her uncle continues to be there (or even extending into next week with him visiting you). She needs to she the seriousness of what she has done quickly as any other move is just a manipulation on her part to extend the affair.

Lots of things still aren't right. I am not sure what was shown to you as evidence. But, here is the textbook behavior we talked about. The "trust and blameshift". Please know it isn't you. All you did was try to trust just like we all did.

I am sorry, but I am promising you there is more truth to be added to your life, in short order.

Loads if support to you!

I agree, there is more to this story. Your gut was screaming, hence you found us.

Did she give you access to her emails, phone messages, texts, etc?

Do you honestly believe she would admit to an affair to either you or your MIL? Hell, my husband wouldn't admit to it when I showed him the disgusting emails I found proving he had an affair.

Please understand. Cheaters lie. They will also lie when you have indisputable proof.

Your wife is spending time/devoting way too much energy into a man who is not her husband. Red flags flying all over the place.

My wife gave me evidence to prove it.

So all the hours on Skype and thousands of texts weren't real? Whatever "evidence" she has given you was handpicked and diverts your attention from hard facts that she can't deny.

Now she seems to think that because of the lack of trust, plus our other marriage issues...

Yeah. It's all "your fault." That's blame shifting on her part. It's yet another attempt to manipulate/control you.

For example, let's talk about trust for a second and how it's "your problem." She has been spending all her time/energy on another man. She got up for a couple hours EVERY night to talk with him. She changed her passwords, starting using Snapchat to hide communication and would hide her phone from you. She went to visit her mom and *amazingly* her uncle is spending all of his time there. She even told you that she wanted no contact during her visit. Who would trust a spouse given those circumstances?

...there is no reason for us to be married anymore.

There is the storyline that your wife and uncle came up with. She gets to tell her mom and sisters that you can't trust and that you are controlling, so it isn't her fault. Her time with her uncle was just a result of being with you -- a paranoid, controlling husband -- as she needed someone to talk to who would listen. It's a typical unremorseful cheater tactic -- try to convincingly lie and blameshift to other people in order to gain some supporters so that the affair can continue and be justified.

She has made her decision. She has chosen to treat you with disrespect as she tries to manipulate you and her family. In likelihood, she is probably hoping that you give in and back down so that she can continue to hold onto you to provide for and support her while she can continue the affair with her uncle.

Don't do what many betrayed spouses do -- the Pick Me! dance. It is backing off due to the accusations and trying to figure out ways to "nice" the wayward spouse back into the marriage. It never works. For your own health and sanity, you need to insist that you will be treated with love and respect and won't tolerate anything less. It is also your only shot at saving the marriage.

My suggestions are...

1. Expose the affair fully. Call her mom and sisters if you think they would be of any help. Simply say, "Your daughter/sister has spent hours upon hours Skyping, texting and Snapchatting with her uncle. That includes getting her getting up in the middle of the night, every night while he was overseas and a non-stop flow of 24x7 communications since he has come back to the States. She has been investing so much time that she basically ignores me. She specifically told me not to contact her this week while she has been with her mom and her uncle has been there non-stop as they spend practically all their time together. Her response to my concerns is that I'm snooping, I'm controlling, I don't trust her enough and now that we shouldn't be married. I won't accept the blame for her inappropriate behavior or relationship with her uncle. I wanted you to be aware of the full situation as I know you care about your daughter/sister and our marriage."

2. Prepare yourself. Your wife has gone on the offensive and her past actions demonstrate that she is very good at manipulating you. The book "In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People" might be a good start to help you see what she is doing and how to better handle it.

3. Protect yourself. Your wife's words that she would choose you over her uncle have just been demonstrated to be a lie. She just chose him. Go see an attorney, get educated on your rights and what you can/can't do about the situation. Then show her, through action, that you aren't going to accept an ongoing affair -- file for divorce. That doesn't mean that you are going to end up divorced -- you can choose to slow down the process or even end it should your wife stop the affair and quit blaming you for everything -- it just means that you are going to demonstrate that you are through with accepting her manipulation, control, disrespect and ongoing affair.

[This message edited by Crushed7 at 10:47 AM, March 8th (Wednesday)]

If she thinks she doesn't want to be married, call her on it.

Get a lawyer, know your rights and file for D...then watch her freak out because you just took control back.

BTW, if I were in your shoes, I would make her phone "disappear" and then go through it with some recovery software.

I'd bet there would be some interesting exchanges there.

No folks, there is nothing there, I was wrong, I involved her mother and sister instead of just approaching her. Thanks for all the advice, but there was nothing there and I betrayed her.

You did not betray her at all...she gave you clear reason to suspect something instead of being open and honest.

I think you're being manipulated, even if there was "nothing" there.

She was still hiding that "nothing" from you, wasn't she?

You've gotten solid advice here. You know in your gut that something doesn't add up. Please don't bury your head in the sand. I did for so long, that I truly regret not acting sooner. If you don't act now, you will look back and regret it for the rest of your life.

Even if it's just an EA, she can't be trusted. Do you want to live life like that?

My wife pulled the same crap about privacy with me. It's all a sham. She said I was too controlling. I never controlled anything with her. It was all her way to throw me off the path. Cheaters blameshift. This is not the woman you married. This is a new selfish being.

You need to protect yourself in this. File for D first. It may or may not knock her off of her fence. That's not the reason you are doing it though. You do it for peace of mind. Your anxiety is probably through the roof. You need to be able to think clearly.

Let me let you in on a little secret. When they say they want to separate to think clearly, you can translate that as, i want to be able to screw the UNCLE <ew> at will with no consequences. After all, you're on a break.

Wow, she's GOOD.

Please tell us what proof she provided.

there was nothing there

So she didn't get up every night while he was deployed to talk? The cell phone bill didn't show thousands of texts throughout the day? She didn't keep her phone glued to her and wasn't using Snapchat to communicate? Her uncle didn't spend all his time with her at her mom's house and wasn't going to come stay at your house next where he could spend more time with her while you accepted it?

I betrayed her

She is a master at manipulation for sure. She is emotionally and psychologically abusing you.

Sooner or later you'll see things that will help you realize the extent of what she is doing. Looking for it, doing some reading and even finding a good individual counselor could all be ways for you to help yourself out.

Oh no! We have been here. We will be here. You are not alone. Dear me, I hate to see you suffer this way.

Why are you deleting your posts?

I don't understand how she proved she's not cheating? Because she told her mom and sister she wasn't.

Man, you can stick your head in the sand if you want. And you can allow her to convince everyone that the amount of interaction she had with this man was appropriate. You can even allow her to blame you for everything. That doesn't make it true.

Did she show texts? Those can be deleted..And saved...to make it look innocent.

She's lying. You can determine we..those of us who have been here supporting and advising you...are just bitter and vindictive..And because we were cheated on, we think everyone is cheating,or cheated on. That doesn't make it true.

You will be sorry. Because one day you will find irrefutable evidence of the affair..And somehow she will twist it around to being your fault.