SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In 2009 my wife and I bought a house. We were young and poor at the time and her best friend needed an affordable place to stay so we rented her a room in our new house. This was critical income for us because money was very tight at the time.

Fast forward to late 2010, the roommate and I have grown close and my wife is uncomfortable so she asks me to withdrawal from that friendship. Which I do and we also ask the roommate to move out. By this time I had been promoted and my wife had accepted a new job so we were good financially.

Six months later my wife goes back to her old job. So now we are up to mid-2011. My wife starts texting with a co-worker. A lot. Like we would be on dates and she would stop mid-sentence to respond to his texts. I tell her I feel uncomfortable and, just like she asked me to do with our former roommate, I ask her to break off her friendship with this guy.

She tells me she does but she doesn't. They just stop texting. It goes underground. They are telling each other very personal details and that they love each other.

In June 2012 they start kissing and she starts giving him handjobs. She also becomes pregnant for the first time (by me, I've had the kids tested. They are mine). In Fall 2012 they start performing oral sex on each other. At that same time I find more texts and emails between them and I call her out on the continued relationship. I pack a bag to leave. We have a huge fight. She says they are just friends. I threaten to tell her affair partner's wife but she talks me out of it by saying that she doesn't know what they are capable of and I should just trust her. She's pregnant with my kid so I do.

Does she stop? No. This all continues on until she has our kid in Spring 2013. Then she is home for three months and claims she didn't talk to him. We start couples therapy and she straight up lies when I ask her in therapy if she had had an affair. One complaint she has always had is that we don't have exciting enough sex and we don't communicate enough... I try to up both but she shuts me down.

March of 2014 she gets pregnant again. Still having an affair with the other guy.

December 2014 she gets reprimanded at work for inappropriate behavior at work with the other guy. The next day her doctor tells her her blood pressure is elevated and they have to get the baby out so they induce her.

She takes the new baby to see her affair partner when he is at a church in our neighborhood.

She schedules her exit interview on a day when he is working and they make out at work after her exit interview.

He plans a retirement party and doesn't invite her. She goes out of her way to get an invite from the retiree so that she can see her affair partner and makes out with him at the work party. WITH OUR YOUNGEST DAUGHTER THERE.

I found all this out in December 2016. We have been in therapy. The therapist says I need to forgive and have grace. That infidelity is an addiction and my wife was addicted to this other man and couldn't help herself and that I need to be understanding and sympathetic to that. My wife says the same -- that she wanted to end it but couldn't. That she always loved me.

But I don't want to forgive her. She turned what I thought where the two happiest years of my life into poison. The pictures from that time period, all of them, fill me with sadness and rage.

Who does this? Who starts a physical affair while pregnant? Who carries it on for years and years and years?

Oh. And this is the second time. She cheated on me three months after we started dating too. Again with a co-worker.

Right now I'm burning with rage because talk of penises came up and I asked her if she ever talked about my penis with her affair partner and she said yes. She didn't want to tell me the details.

Turns out, her affair partner's wife had disparged his penis and he was feeling bad. So she said: "that's ok. your penis is nice. it's bigger than my husbands". He didnt even ask her that! She offered it to him.

So I think my rage right now is about how they got their jollies by enjoying disparging me and the other man's wife and hiding from us and talking negatively about us. And that makes me see red and also just want to curl up and die.

I am only still with her for the kids. I am filled with hurt and anger. I feel worthless. My self esteem is shot. My concentration is shot.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Fire the counselor. You're wasting time and money with the crap they are feeding you. She had full control over herself and chose to chase the OM. She slept with him too.

Go to IC for yourself. Pick up a copy of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Codependent No More" because you need to get strong and start living for yourself with or without her. You are doing your kids no favors by staying in a broken marriage where you are not fully present because of how badly she is hurting you. Being from a broken home is better than living in one. She will also do it again because apparently she has zero control or accountability. Next time she might just leave you for the OM. You need to be prepared because you can't R with her and she is at very high risk of repeating her behavior because she does not care about how it affects you. You have enabled her by forgiving her twice already and rugsweeping. It didn't work the first two times and it's not going to work now.

[This message edited by nekonamida at 12:45 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

A few questions:

1) What do you want?

2) Is your wife bending over backwards 150% to make you feel safe in the relationship? Is she truly remorseful or still lying?

3) How did you find out all of this information?

4) Are you or her in individual counseling?

She had a sexual affair during her 2 pregnancies? That is vile. I noticed you preemptively stated that you know they are your kids but I have to insist on asking; did you verify that they are your kids by an independent DNA test?

An affair that has lasted this long, even through 2 pregnancies, it's not going to just stop. It is very likely that unless they face some serious consequences, they'll just lay low for a while and she'll try to lull you to back to sleep with sex and resume the affair once you fall back to sleep.

You need to expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse. NO EXCUSES. Having to face his wife's wrath will get him to throw your wife under the bus. Being dropped like a hot potato does a number on WWs.

I also recommend that you expose to her family. Not in a your daughter's a whore but in a help me fight for the marriage and family. They have a vested interest in wanting to keep the home of their grandkids' home intact.

SHE MUST LEAVE THAT JOB. I actually recommend that you file a complaint with HR. Let her feel the shame of possibly losing her job or at least having to face co-workers knowing that they're talking behind her back.

As for you. I recommend that you work on yourself. I'm sure you feel emasculated and you need to work on building yourself back up. Get your but into a gym. Reconnect with male friends. Marriage and parenthood has a softening affect on us men. You need to work on finding your inner warrior.

Also up your look. (clothes, hair, hygiene, ETC) These last ones may seem shallow but liking what you see when you look in the mirror can help give you a boost. I'm sure that you, like most husbands may have gotten weak in that area.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 12:54 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

tack another question onto the list above. Have you told the OBS yet?

tack another question onto the list above. Have you told the OBS yet?

From my own experience I think this is very important. Once I knew everything I found out there were people I thought were friends who knew what was going on and told me nothing. They didn't think it was their place to say anything. Needless to say I cut all of them out of my life permanently. It's cruel to know something like this and let someone live a lie.

A few questions:

1) What do you want?

2) Is your wife bending over backwards 150% to make you feel safe in the relationship? Is she truly remorseful or still lying?

3) How did you find out all of this information?

4) Are you or her in individual counseling?

1) I want to stop hurting. I want to see my kids every day. Right now, I don't want to forgive her.

2) She is. I have full access to all of her accounts, even her work accounts. She still works for the same place but part-time and in a completely different department. There is absolutely no reason and really no chance for her and the OM to ever see each other. She is super remorseful. As far as I know she is being truthful now -- even when it hurts.

3) Her phone broke and I restored it for her. She complained that notes were missing from the notes app so I restored it again and then went to check the notes... and I saw notes from her therapy sessions about doing compare and contrast between the OM and me. Pro and con lists about the OM and me. And notes about wanting a divorce and to see him again. I confronted her about them and convinced her to spill the beans. I was ready for "I felt for him, we slept together once but I called it off" or something... I wasn't ready for a THREE YEAR affair while pregnant...

4) We were each in individual and couple -- all with the same therapist. I've since dropped out since I don't like the therapist. I should find another therapist but...

She had a sexual affair during her 2 pregnancies? That is vile.

Right? It's one of the things that makes this so hard to forgive.

I noticed you preemptively stated that you know they are your kids but I have to insist on asking; did you verify that they are your kids by an independent DNA test?

Yes. I did the test without her knowledge. I shared the results with her when they came back.

You need to expose the affair to the other betrayed spouse. NO EXCUSES. Having to face his wife's wrath will get him to throw your wife under the bus. Being dropped like a hot potato does a number on WWs.

She knows. Infact, she knew way back in 2012 and didn't tell me. She has basically told me she's not interested in talking about it anymore. I could have stopped it in 2012 if she had told me... or if I had not listened to my wife and had reached out to the OMW.

The OMW had an affair. They are high school sweethearts and had only ever been with each other. The OM has only ever kissed my wife and his wife...

I actually recommend that you file a complaint with HR. Let her feel the shame of possibly losing her job or at least having to face co-workers knowing that they're talking behind her back.

I want to do this. You really think it's a good idea? My wife is in a different department now... I'm not sure how much (if any) blow back she would get but he might get some. If anything else I might stop him from doing this again with someone else's wife. Moreover, they work for a county organization so they were using tax payer supported resources to carry out their affair...

As for you. I recommend that you work on yourself. I'm sure you feel emasculated and you need to work on building yourself back up. Get your but into a gym. Reconnect with male friends. Marriage and parenthood has a softening affect on us men. You need to work on finding your inner warrior.

Also up your look. (clothes, hair, hygiene, ETC) These last ones may seem shallow but liking what you see when you look in the mirror can help give you a boost. I'm sure that you, like most husbands may have gotten weak in that area.

I am all over this. I even signed up for some dating sites just to see what was out there... I'm not getting much attention but I'm not really trying. Some attention would probably help though... but I am trying not to have a revenge affair. Pretty easy right now when nobody pays me any attention... but maybe the new muscles and wardrobe will help with that in the long term...

Thank you!

tack another question onto the list above. Have you told the OBS yet?

As I said above... she knew before me. Way back in 2012. She didn't tell me. She may not know the extent or that it carried on for another 2.5 years after she found out...

Should I reach out to her?

Absolutely reach out to her and tell her what you know. I agree with the others about your counselor, find someone more helpful. But in reality you need to find an ic to figure out what is broken inside your wife to cause her to do that. Marriage counseling at this point is a waste of time. It's not an addiction . These are choices that she made of her own free will. Over and over again. You shouldn't forgive her if she isn't remorseful. She might be sorry ,but that's it. She's a serial cheater .

[This message edited by 1survivor at 1:52 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

"Turns out, her affair partner's wife had disparged his penis and he was feeling bad. So she said: "that's ok. your penis is nice. it's bigger than my husbands". He didnt even ask her that! She offered it to him."

She is sugar coating. It's probably much worse than this. If you really need to know the nitty gritty then it's going to be tough. Recovering old text messages often reveals the true nature of their chat and intimacy.

1) I want to stop hurting. I want to see my kids every day. Right now, I don't want to forgive her.

Ok. That reads to me like you're ambivalent about whether to D or R -- is that right?

As far as I know she is being truthful now -- even when it hurts.

It would appear so from what you've written, and it sounds like you have other examples. It hurts what she said about your penis, but the fact that she told you rather than lying does say something. Could say a lot, actually.

I agree about the MC, glad you left. And I also agree you need to find a good therapist just for you.

Who does this? Who starts a physical affair while pregnant? Who carries it on for years and years and years?

I know someone who did.

My wife. Four-year long term affair. She was 4-months pregnant with our youngest son at the time.

I was starting to think she was her own infidelity phenomenon, but it appears my wife is not alone in this atrocity. Conversely, I don't know what this says about married dudes who get fired up about sleeping with someone else's pregnant wife. You probably should make sure his wife knows the affair went on longer than 2012.

Sorry to see you in this unique circle of Hell with me.

Don't sweat the forgiveness thing, that's only something to consider if your wife is getting help finding out why she did what she did. And if she is willing to do the work to help heal your marriage.

A lot of help here at SI. Keep reading, keep posting.

"I am all over this. I even signed up for some dating sites just to see what was out there... I'm not getting much attention but I'm not really trying. Some attention would probably help though... but I am trying not to have a revenge affair. Pretty easy right now when nobody pays me any attention... but maybe the new muscles and wardrobe will help with that in the long term..."

Please do not rush out to date. It usually doesn't work in the self-esteem department and it may make future D proceedings more difficult. If you can focus on yourself in other ways.

Take care of yourself!

You should definitely follow up with the other BS to compare notes. I'm sure she would be angry if she knew that he continued the affair for a few more years.

Also you should definitely blow shit up at the job. Getting them fired for adultery would bring some repercussions that they sorely need to feel.

Besides she needs to leave that job. You don't want her around the environment that will keep things on her mind. The breakroom: where he first touch my hand. The parking lot where we used to talk and sneak a smooch after work and on our lunch break, ETC... Also they could still reach out to each other via company IM.

You need to recover the text from her phone. Dr Phone, about 140$ , is an excellent tool that MANY on SI have used to get the facts.

Did you tell her parents? Nothing like facing dad's look of disappointment to bring things home even further.

The fact that she's been playing nice for the past 3 months is not enough for you to put your guard down. She's been with this guy for almost half of your marriage and all of that "LOVE" that she feels for him and the COUNTLESS times they've had "relations" makes it very likely that she will want to go back to him.

From what you've revealed of her actions, it's only that OM doesn't want to leave his marriage with his kids to be with an adulterous woman with another man's kids that she's still with you.

Scheming to go to a party to throw herself at OM, with your daughter is outrageous. To be honest, those are actions of a woman that thinks that OM is the father of the daughter. Maybe another DNA test done in front of your WW is due.

BTW: How has your sex life and affection level been during the affair and since? Were you being served cold duty sex with UN-passionate pecking type of kisses? From what you've revealed she probably felt like she was more his girl than yours. In cases like that, WWs don't want to cheat on their real man.

Absolutely No dating. You're not emotionally ready and besides you're married. Get your shit together first. If you decide to divorce, that's a different story but if you're trying to R, don't compound issues by having an revenge affair.

[This message edited by Jsmart at 4:43 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

I personally don't think that I would involve work. If you don't stay together, it could hurt you if she loses her job due to this bullshit. If you are thinking D, wait until after D to blow it up at work. Definitely get what you can from OBS.

My husband had 2 LTA. It is extremely hard to get over this. Most likely, she loved him. Maybe still does. You're going to always worry about them reconnecting. Women don't have sex with someone for years without feelings. Ask my husband's LTA. It is impossible for them to get over the A and move on. Maybe your wife can.

I agree with JSmart's very last sentence in his post above mine..

I wouldn't want to grow to like somebody romantically only to find out that his life was a hot mess..

Remove yourself legally and emotionally from one partner first...So your new prospective parter doesn't have to constantly hear about and deal with the ghosts and loose ends of your past life..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 6:18 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

Fire the counselor. Your story is so ugly I feel dirty just reading it. Who says you can't be the custodial parent? And even if you aren't you should get 50/50 so that part isn't as bad as you fear. And fear is your real enemy right now. You are desperate to get back the life you thought you had and are very vulnerable emotionally. Stay away from your wife physically. No sex. Limit contact as much as possible and try to keep it about logistical stuff regarding the kids. Don't give her more opportunity to gas-light and manipulate you.

I don't think you will ever feel right about your marriage or your wife so you should start preparing for divorce. See a lawyer and get yourself educated regarding your rights as a father.

And, really, don't ever see that counselor again. In fact you should report him/her to your state oversight board.

Aslan

There is a drop of merit in what your MC is saying, only it would apply if you two were working on a marriage. I think at best you two are trying to find ways to tolerate each other…

There is one major question not being asked:

Why are you working at reconciliation with your wife?

Is it because you want to keep the family-unit together?

Is it because you want this marriage?

Or is it because you don’t know what else to do?

[This message edited by Bigger at 7:18 PM, March 23rd (Thursday)]

When you contact the OMW makes sure she knows that you are contacting her because they are *currently* having an affair.

Rest assured it's underground right now and even perhaps set on ice, but if you don't take steps like this then it'll just continue on.