SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hang in there C1970,

Your wife is in the affair fog, and yes expose her to friends and family, try and shake her out of this fog! The best way to shake them outta of the fog is to file for divorce..

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You did not drive her to seek other men online or elsewhere.. Be preparing yourself for more to be revealed, you never get it all the first go around. Again , you're responsible for 50% of the marital issues she is 100% responsible for stepping outside of the marriage.

I would plan on seeing an attorney ASAP! That will get her attention!

Good luck Friend! Don't let her know about SI, this is YOUR safe place right now.

CDB

Cody,

Calmly summon your inner strength. Maybe mix it with a little anger. You should be angry that she was not mature enough to come to you and verbalize her marriage issues well before engaging in her affairs. Yes, affairs.

Your goal here should be to move out of infidelity, not to try save the marriage. Maybe the marriage will be saved, and maybe you'll divorce. However, in order to have any chance at saving it, you must be willing to lose it.

Take the next few days off work. Do not tell your, wife. You're probably not in any condition to work anyway. If your boss asks why, be honest. Most are understanding of this situation. Use this time to do the following:

1. Split any money you have in joint accounts, open up a new account at a new bank, place your money there, and switch your paycheck to the new account;

2. Close any joint credit cards, and open one in your name;

3. Research divorce attorneys in your area, and visit a few this week to gain some insight into divorce and block her from using them in the event you do divorce, plus get some paperwork prepared;

4. Prepare and send an exposure letter to your parents, her parents, and your children (if age appropriate) informing them that although your wife hasn't informed you that there are marriage problems until recently, your wife has been having multiple affairs, wants to leave you, and you aren't going to stop her; and

5. Buy her a bus ticket to her AP's hometown, pack her a bag, and take her to the station, and tell her to go.

Right now she is trying to one-up you by telling you she has had multiple affairs, and is going to go to one of them. Call her on it. Drop a nuclear bomb on top of her conventional weaponary she threw at you.

You may balk at doing the above. Look at it this way. If she is truly done and is leaving, then doing the above will have to be done anyway. So, doing these things now will shorten the amount of time you have to experience in infidelity. On the other hand, doing the above may knock her out the fog, or make her rethink her position.

The worst thing you can do right now is nothing. You must start moving yourself out of infidelity. You may reconcile, or you may divorce, but you need to move out of infidelity right now.

Oh, and stop the marriage counseling and retreats. These are useless when your spouse is still actively engaged in the fantasy of the affair.

Well Put Drumstick!

Cody, great advice from drumstick, I would use it as your template for getting out of infidelity.

CDB

Also, don't hint to her that you'll be exposing the affairs to her partner's spouses. You need to do this too - ASAP

Cody , Im sorry , but your wife blaming you is so typical. Waywards not willing to take responsibility and blame the betrayed is so common. Dont buy into it .She made shitty choices, she could have come to you and tell you she was so unhappy that she was ready to throw in the towel, but she didnt. She chose to cheat instead. Yes I would expose her to the kids. I would also find out if any of these men are married and tell their wives . They deserve to know.

Definately time to get the gloves on , see a lawyer asap, cut off finances , etc.

I will be reaching out to a lawyer(s) today if possible, not sure what to do with money yet as ALL of our money is in shared accounts. As far as blaming me that she has been unhappy for so long she did admit that she has told this AP that her marriage wasn't the best and all he did was pray on that to make me sound like the biggest P.O.S. There has been(according to her) no physical contact but who knows, still feel unbelievably horrible that our kids will now live in a broken home because their mother gave up, something that we instill in our children to never do!

Cody,

Split the money in the accounts 50/50. Bank accounts, money markets, and IRAs. If your like most, you have all these with one bank. Do it. Open your own account, or accounts, on your own. Do this today!

Make sure to reach out today to at least one divorce attorney to set up an in person consultation for later this week. Research at least two others today as well, and call them tomorrow to set up consultations.

Do these other things by Tuesday. Your wife dropped a grenade in your lap. Inaction on your part will allow it to explode while handling it. Mitigate the damage you sustain by moving forward on these items today.

While you may be responsible for 50% of the marriage problems before her affairs, your wife is 100% responsible for each and every one of her affairs. Your wife is also responsible for her lack of boundaries, both with telling this last OM she had marriage problems as well as being susceptible as his prey. These are your wife's personal issues, and don't think you need to take on responsibility for them.

It is also your wife's problem that she failed to speak up and communicate to you her issues with your marriage before having affairs to try and solve the issues. You are not a mind reader, and cannot be expected to know what she thinks and feels at all times. She is responsible for telling you her marriage issues with you, and remaining faithful to her vows and giving you a reasonable amount of time to resolve them.

She is also responsible for breaking up your home, if it comes to that. She was the one that failed the above, and rather than looking at herself, or working with you to resolve issues within your control, decided to break up the marriage. So, while you may feel some guilt for your children living in a broken home,, turn it into some controlled anger. Then, utilize this controlled anger to calmly be the leader for your children that they need.

Start moving out of infidelity today.

Cody , your wife rewrote the marital history and when the OM heard it he obviously exploited it. Same thing happened to my wife. My wife opened the door gladly for the OM. That is 100 percent her fault. Since the OM was looking to get laid he wanted to trash you and become your replacement, even if it was temporary. Don't beat yourself up over it. None of us are perfect and your wife had no business talking to someone who could be your replacement.

More than likely he made her feel good , she justified continued ego strokes by telling him your marriage wasn't good. He helped her rewrite marital history and they were off and running. Nothing other than typical cheater behavior. Someone with boundaries would have gone to their spouse and told them they weren't happy. But she didn't feel she owed it to you with that sense of entitlement she had.

Expose,seek a lawyer and split the finances as soon as you can. The only thing you can do is turn her fantasy into a reality.

Cody1970,

So sorry you are here.

In cases like yours, emotional strength, determination and consistency are your greatest assets because they reflect male virulence and are most likely to win back your WW's affection. Conversely, apologizing, crying and begging will drive her away.

Tell her what are your conditions to avoid D and, if she refuses, file immediately, commence the 180 and focus all of your attention on becoming a better man and father.

She will either realize what she is losing and come back, or she will prove that she is not the kind of woman you should devote yourself to.

Wishing you the best.

D-Day 3/26/17. Had a small breakthrough after she finally came clean on everything, thankfully there was no PA. She was unbelievably remorseful and gave me proof that she cut off all contact with EA, I do believe her but will take time to build trust again. I am seeing a lawyer today to just get information and know my rights. WS and I had a good talk last night and she is willing to work on us as she realized how this could effect our children. I honestly think that never crossed her mind while the EA was occurring. One day at a time is all I've ever wanted!

If any of these men were local,she met up with at least one.

Schedule a polygraph test. Then tell her she has to take it as a requirement for reconciliation. And follow through.

D-Day 3/26/17. Had a small breakthrough after she finally came clean on everything, thankfully there was no PA. She was unbelievably remorseful and gave me proof that she cut off all contact with EA, I do believe her but will take time to build trust again. I am seeing a lawyer today to just get information and know my rights. WS and I had a good talk last night and she is willing to work on us as she realized how this could effect our children. I honestly think that never crossed her mind while the EA was occurring. One day at a time is all I've ever wanted!

I'm happy to hear that things are looking up but you should want a lot more than one day at a time, including:

1) complete transparency;

2) all your questions answered truthfully and completely;

3) her getting IC to figure out how to fix her poor boundary issues;

4) regular expressions of regret and demonstrations of remorse.

Don't rug sweep this and don't think that your marriage is fixed just because she says she's sorry and that she won't do it again. Pay more attention to what she does than what she says and be alert to signs that she is repeating her bad behavior.

I also suggest you read "The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011" by Athol Kay (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004W0IRQ8?tag=viglink21103-20) ["a simple, effective plan for men to create sexually exciting marriages for themselves and their wives."]

Good luck.

Let the roller coaster ride begin. I went to the attorney yesterday even though my WS wants to work on the marriage she felt it would be a good idea to at least get the information so I did. After talking to the lawyer I quickly came to the conclusion that this should be the very last option both for financial and emotional (kids) reasons. I also saw a therapist to address my issues, needed to talk to someone as I'm feeling depressed with no one to talk to. My WS actually was impressed that I did see one. I did have a hard time last night because all I could think about is if she broke off all connections with the multiple guys she was sexting, she said she did and to move forward I need to trust her but I can't. Is this normal and should I ask her again??

DDay3/26/17

She betrayed your trust , so it's going to take quite a while for her to build that back up. She needs to prepare to work really hard to prove to you that she's a safe partner. This is why she needs to be transparent with all facets of her life. No more blind trust. So yes, what you are feeling is normal.

... she said ... I need to trust her ...

I second everything that 1survivor just said and would add that it is highly inappropriate for her to tell you to trust her.

Quite the contrary, you should do whatever you need to do to confirm from time to time that she is no longer having any inappropriate liaisons.

... she said ... I need to trust her

Alchemy, I need to be able to trust her, those were my words not hers. At this stage she doesn't get to call any shots, I realize that I can only take responsibility for 50% of how we got to this point in our marriage where she has to take 100% for having her EA. I believe she is starting to see what her actions could have or still could do to our family as friends of hers are actually encouraging her to reconcile and not run to divorce, even her closest of friends and her sister. Tomorrow's a new day, got to open my eyes to see it! Thanks again to everyone for replying, I need the interaction to help me through the day.

Well..yeah. We all want to be able to trust our spouse. So I get why you feel you need to trust her.

However, she has shown you she is capable of great deception.

Trusting her at this point is not very smart...And not possible.

Burying your head in the sand isn't going to help either.

You don't just move on from infidelity. Reconciliation is a process. It takes years. And a lot of work on from the WS.

What is she doing to make you feel safe?

She should,at minimum, be doing...

Full transparency. You get full access to everything. Cell,email,Facebook,etc. Passwords included.

She goes to IC to figure out why she did this.

Std testing.

Polygraph.

She goes NC with and friends who knew what she was doing,but didn't tell you. They are not friends of the marriage.

She deletes nothing.

She is accountable for her time when away from you.

She answers all of your questions,without blame,anger, and defensiveness.

She understands this will take years to heal from.

She is proactive in finding her "why's" And in healing the enormous amount of damage she's caused.

She owns her shit. She didn't do this because of anything you did or didn't do.

And anything else you need to feel safe.

I also saw a therapist to address my issues, needed to talk to someone as I'm feeling depressed with no one to talk to. My WS actually was impressed that I did see one.

Has your WS made an appointment to see a therapist as well? She needs to asap.

Alchemy, I need to be able to trust her, those were my words not hers. At this stage she doesn't get to call any shots, I realize that I can only take responsibility for 50% of how we got to this point in our marriage where she has to take 100% for having her EA.

Cody,

As far as your needing to be able to trust her, three thoughts:

1) I agree that there needs to be some minimum level of trust for a marriage to work, but that doesn't mean that, at any given time or despite what one's partner does, one should trust ones partner. Instead ...

2) Trust has to be earned. Right now, your WW's trust account is overdrawn, so there is quite a way to go before you should have any trust in her at all.

3) One should never trust one's spouse blindly. Even in the best of marriages, each partner should be attuned to signs of trouble in the relationship, especially signs that one's partner may have crossed relationship boundaries.

I believe she is starting to see what her actions could have or still could do to our family as friends of hers are actually encouraging her to reconcile and not run to divorce, even her closest of friends and her sister. Tomorrow's a new day, got to open my eyes to see it! Thanks again to everyone for replying, I need the interaction to help me through the day.

Based on what you've told us recently, I'm a little surprised to read that you only "believe she is starting to see what her actions could have or still could do to our family." I had understood that she has shown remorse and a sincere desire to R. From this most recent statement, it sounds like she's still on the fence somewhat about her desire to save her marriage. Do I understand that right?

This is important because the advice you need depends upon where your WW is at in the R process (rejecting it, thinking about it, showing signs of wanting it, saying she wants it or demonstrating with her actions that she wants it).

Alchemy, I'm not the best at relaying what's in my head to the keyboard, let me try to react to some of your questions/statements. I am not rushing trying to trust my wife, for us to move forward I will need to at some time begin to trust her, that I know will not happen over night, she will need to display on a daily bases that she can be trusted, for me it is nowhere close. As far as her remorse, she has told me that she was sorry for what she did and how that hurt me, she has said that it doesn't change her feelings as to how she was unhappy in our marriage but she said that she is willing to try to work it out.