SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Alchemy. I know filing for D would shake her out of the "affair fog" my thinking is (not sure if this is right or wrong) but I want the kids to know who is to blame for this. I feel if I file they will blame me. I do need some advice though, if I do contact the two AP's will they get in touch with my WS and tell them that I contacted them?

First of all, you need to tell your children -- in an age appropriate way -- what is going on. The purpose is not to avoid or place blame, but to be straight with your kids so that they know that they can trust you.

Second, if your goal is to keep your family together, you should be doing whatever you can do to end your WW's infidelities if possible and, if not, to force her to choose between infidelity and her marriage. The longer you let her get away with disrespecting you, her family and herself, the harder is becomes for her to admit that she's done something wrong and try to fix it.

I don't think it a good idea to contact her APs. There is no reason to think that they will listen to you and it will make you look weak in your WW's eyes.

There's no way to know for sure what is the best wat to deal with a cheating spouse but, having read many hundreds of stories like your over many years, I can tell you that men who demonstrate strength and determination usually end up in a better place. There are different ways to do this. What is important is that your WW knows where you are coming from and believes that you will do what you say.

Continuing to wish you the best.

Alchemy, She has broke of all contact, she has been very open to letting me see her phone and wherever else she could communicate from. That being said, she told me tat it doesn't change her mind how she feels about us as a couple. I don't expect her to all of a sudden feel love in our relationship overnight, these AP's where filling her head with so much negativity about me and our marriage that I'm sure is still fresh in her mind. I am doing all I can to better myself! Doing the xtra stuff around the house, working out, reconnecting with our daughter that I believe my WS is becoming jealous of. WS has shown in the past couple days something that had been nonexistent from her since she told me she wants out, the other night while lying in bed she became very aroused and initiated passionate love making, the next day when I got home from work WS approached me with a passionate hug and kiss asking me how my day was. Not sure what that means, but I believe there is still love in her heart for me and our marriage, just needs time.

Or...she feels you are detaching from her infidelity and preparing to move on, so she's going to try and keep you in the position of Mr. Plan B for a while longer until that douche fairy 3000 miles away finally buys her a ticket to fly her out to meet him so that the "twin flames" can finally meet. Yeah, it's happened here before. Did you go get an STD panel done BTW? Has she? You sure there isn't someone "local" she's been seeing?

Doing the xtra stuff around the house

Why? Just do enough to take of yourself and your kids. Let her wash her laundry, cook her own meals. Otherwise she'll just think that next time "cody just doesn't help me or understand me again" she'll think the way she fixes that is to go start up another EA again, "because it worked last time."

Alchemy, She has broke of all contact, she has been very open to letting me see her phone and wherever else she could communicate from. That being said, she told me tat it doesn't change her mind how she feels about us as a couple. I don't expect her to all of a sudden feel love in our relationship overnight, these AP's where filling her head with so much negativity about me and our marriage that I'm sure is still fresh in her mind. I am doing all I can to better myself! Doing the xtra stuff around the house, working out, reconnecting with our daughter that I believe my WS is becoming jealous of. WS has shown in the past couple days something that had been nonexistent from her since she told me she wants out, the other night while lying in bed she became very aroused and initiated passionate love making, the next day when I got home from work WS approached me with a passionate hug and kiss asking me how my day was. Not sure what that means, but I believe there is still love in her heart for me and our marriage, just needs time.

I agree with Jduff. Your WW is using a classic control technique -- alternating between saying she thinks she wants a D while giving you signs that she wants to R. This keeps you immobilized because your so hopeful that she will decide to R that you are afraid to do anything to piss her off.

The solution to this is to give her a very short period of time to decide if she wants to try to R or not and, if she fails to chose R, to file for D. If she is leaning toward R, seeing the chance slipping away may be what she needs to get her to recommit to her marriage. If instead she says that your filing for D killed the marriage, you can pretty much assume that this was an exit affair and she just wanted to be able to blame you for the marriage ending.

By letting her string you along, you are just playing the "pick me" game and there's no better way to lose her respect and end any chance for R than to allow her to disrespect you for an extended period of time.

Like I said before, no one can tell you what is the best thing to do. But I can tell you that the strategy you are employing right now usually fails.

Well i guess you all told me so! WW saw a therapist today and I'm sure lied about what she is doing, she also has now talked to a lawyer that she lied to me about. Then as she was away for a couple hours with our daughter WW didn't logout of a social media messenger and I witnessed her juggling two different guys, one was original AP and the other a new guy that got very raunchy and to the point she wanted to know if he would be on our area traveling for business so they can hook up. The original AP chat wasn't sexual just a lot of I love you's and missed you almost sound like a couple teenagers. She also told him that she saw the lawyer and therapist today and she feels more comfortable moving forward with divorce and how she thinks she'll get to keep the house and get custody of our kids. Of course as these chat sessions were going on I screen shot the entire chat and sent to a work account. Is it wrong for me to not even care anymore? I hate the fact she has done this to us(me) she has told her friends that she has felt different about me lately as she feels I have made a complete turnaround and then I saw the fucking chat tonight. I know Alchemy will tell me to file for divorce pronto and maybe I need to to save face! I'm just so angry that I almost can't contain myself, I am doing my best to hold it together for my kids as I'm so afraid of losing them to!!!! I know you'll all say that I had nothing to do with what WW is doing but I can't help but blame myself, thank god for my therapist, she is keeping me sane. Guess we need another DDay, even more confused..... Cody

Cody...sorry about you situation. I confronted my WW at her job as secretary to a major bank president. The OM was the brother of a co-worker.

She was furious I chose her work desk as the place of confrontation...she had to maintain composure...so she leaned over and wispered to me..yep..i'm f**king XYZ's brother..what are you going to do about it.

I rose from my chair..went directly to my lawyer and filed for the D..she was served that afternoon in front of her entire staff and boss.

It jolted the hell out of her...i gained my esteem and ultimately control of my situation..we have reconciled...

We all know that your WW is in a fantasy world. She has three guys fighting over her. It doesn't matter to her that she has never been face to face with two of the guys... We know they could be married/convicts/perverts/trolls... that what ever they are they are not worth throwing your life/family away for. The problem is that WW doesn't know this and with you bending over backward to please her... she isn't going to get that douse of reality. She doesn't have to question her judgement and future because EVERYONE WANTS and LOVES HER.

Before you confront again talk to your lawyer. Find out how much you can take out of the accounts. Are you the main breadwinner? Can you separate bills? Find out what you should be documenting as far as custody. What you can do to improve your chances of custody. Get your ducks in a row before you confront or this will turn into the last few confrontations....She doesn't believe you would ever divorce her so she can promise what she likes and keep doing what she is doing. Consider doing the confrontation in MC.

After you confront you need to do a hard 180. The 180 will give you a clear picture of what your wife has become. It will also give her an idea of what not having you around/ wanting her/ fighting for her is like. You need to focus on you and the kids. Plan outings for just you and the kids.

Yes you should file but if you are not ready it's not going to go well. Not everyone can do the shock approach. Do a hard 180 until you are ready.

As far as outing the emails to both of the OM... in theory they would both dump her but... What will really happen is they wont believe you. If either of them are married I'm sure the OBS would believe you.

[This message edited by Freeme at 11:09 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Cody, you need to act now, while she's in la la land from the affairs. You can probably get this to work in your favor. Don't let it drag on too long.

You were way too passive throughout this whole thing so what happened to you is almost a guarantee. You needed anger, shock, and awe. Instead you let her drive the whole thing and this is where that usually ends up.

It may still be fixable, if that is what you want. Take back the power. Be firm. Put yourself first. Don't take even one more lie from her without calling her a LIAR. File for D. Have her served. It doesn't mean you'll go through with it but it may snap her out of her fog. If it doesn't then the whole thing was going there anyway so you just got the ball rolling and you have evidence of her cheating to use as a bargaining chip. She gets the house and the kids? No f'ing way. Cheaters move out, not BS's. Kids? 50/50, nothing less.

Be strong right now or you're dead in the water.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 12:19 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Everyone is spot on. Lawyer up first to protect your kids and yourself . Expose her to as many people as ou can, parents, in laws, friends,etc. Most of all if these POS OMs have a significant other find out how to reach them and let them know what is going on. I would be willing to bet the guy looking for the out of town hookup is married.

Sending you strength.

[This message edited by 1survivor at 11:49 AM, April 6th (Thursday)]

er night while lying in bed she became very aroused and initiated passionate love making, the next day when I got home from work WS approached me with a passionate hug and kiss asking me how my day was.

arousal from her sexting. My friend this is someone who is worse than in a fog, but very cunning scheming enemy preparing to destroy you physically and mentally, while shamelessly love bombing you. Do not fall for her wiles. Sleep separate if you feel emotional after sex. Otherwise it is OK. Make the POSes know each other without telling your enemy wife. This will give her jolt. Also let the kids know and get them on your side, Kids will not like her having contacts with multiple men.

It is kind of a surprise. that she told you before she got the ball roling

[This message edited by goalong at 9:23 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

I sent messages to the two separate AP's this morning after doing some digging and finding their wife and kids on Facebook. One guy instantly pleaded with me to not contact his wife and kids, he assured me that he will break all contact with WW. I told him I have proof of the sex chat and I will expose to his wife if it doesn't stop immediately! The original AP got a real good message exposing WW that she was chatting with him and another guy at same time. Never heard back from him but I'm sure he said something to WW, she currently looks both stressed and pissed at the same time, wondering if she'll say something? Don't really care, I actually feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders because I have finally come to the point that if she wants to R it's all on her but I am very prepared to file next week!

You really should tell the first AP's wife, she deserves to know who she is married to.

That is the right thing to do.

Expose to the APs spouses, right away, without warning your wife.

So the APs' wives can't trust them but you can trust them to not snacking on your wife? Really? Expose to both of their wives. Quit playing patty cake.

Further, download a divorce packet for your state and make sure your wife sees it. If you can't download it you should be able to get one at the county court house.. Time to toughen up or just call it quits. Looks like this might be the online version of an exit affair.

[This message edited by Chappie at 10:08 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

I witnessed her juggling two different guys, one was original AP and the other a new guy that got very raunchy and to the point she wanted to know if he would be on our area traveling for business so they can hook up.

You need to re-consider the fact she may have very well have hooked up with others. Sorry

My man Cody

All you are doing is delaying the inevitable

Well I guess you all told me so!

Yes we have. Can you remove these two men from contacting your WW - Maybe. However your WW will just go out and find another man or two or three to play with and you will continue to have the same situation albeit with different men.

She is already ahead one step ahead of you:

She also told him that she saw the lawyer and therapist today and she feels more comfortable moving forward with divorce and how she thinks she'll get to keep the house and get custody of our kids.

For your sake you need to lawyer up yourself & file for D.

Your WW is never going to change cause she enjoys what she is doing. Period.

Sending strength my man

[This message edited by notanotherchance at 10:22 PM, April 6th (Thursday)]

Chappie is correct. Dont bother telling the AP. These are liars and cheaters. After Dday I sent a text to my wifes AP not to have contact with my wife or I will tell his wife. He said he would. I found out from my wife he sent her a letter to her work and tried to send her frowers after that.

A few weeks after that I finally called his wife and blew up his world. Then it finally stopped . Contacting the AP means nothing, contacting the APs wife is what you need to do. It will more than likely stop the affair because he will be too busy cleaning up his mess. Besides , she deserves to know who shes married to.

I sent messages to the two separate AP's this morning after doing some digging and finding their wife and kids on Facebook.

Why oh, why did you not contact the AP's wife's first? From the message above it sounds like they are both married. You think you have the power and the upper hand with the ability to expose them but really you are just playing their buddy doing them a favor by not exposing them. They are now able to manipulate things lie about who you are and what you found out to their wives. "There is this crazy guy that's mad at me. He might try send you some fake texts. Ignore him if he tries to contact you...he is dangerous."

Why are you playing their game protecting them?

[This message edited by Freeme at 6:25 AM, April 7th (Friday)]

i haven't been to this site in a few weeks, nothing has really changed for me as my wife will be filing for divorce next week! She has broke off contact with the EA on advice from her lawyer and therapist. I told her the other night that I can't be in a marriage with three people and she called the lawyer the next day. Now I know I can't force her or attempt to change her mind as she states this has been building for years, fine if she wants out she can go, but I can't or will not give up on us as she is so easily willing to do. With that, I have 6 to 7 months to show her, not tell her or beg her to reconsider, as of this morning I am following the 180? How do I do this without coming across as an asshole? I am trying to be as nice and cordial as I can but the anger inside is kiling me, I am now working out which helps and for the lack of eating I am now down 35 pounds in 5 weeks but I actually feel really good about myself where people including other women are starting to take notice. So my question is, do I just follow the 180? Is there any other advice to go from here??? Thanks