SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife of 20 years informed me last week that she is not sure she wants to continue on with our marriage, I was blindsided. I am by no means perfect but there has been no infidelity between us(that I know of) , just not as passionate as it used to be raising 3 kids and trying to live the dream. I just became aware that she is having an emotional affair i.e... text messages, pictures, sexting I'm sure there has been phone conversations as well. The person lives 3 thousand miles away. I love my wife! I do not want to destroy our children, how do I confront her on this? We have been to a marriage retreat and will have follow ups starting this weekend but I'm concerned that this is blocking her from actually seeing the damage it would cause. We are both very close with our children, it would be beyond devastating to them! Please, any advice. She is a great person so be nice.

Welcome. Sorry you're here.

She is a great person so be nice.

First things first - it's time for you to recognize that the person you've known all these years isn't who she is NOW. How do you know? Because the above is untrue.

"Nice" people don't have affairs and threaten the family structure. "Nice" people have boundaries and don't allow a third wheel into their marriage. Begin your healing by recognizing that your wife no longer gets the kid-glove treatment, which includes getting any benefit of the doubt. Whether she sleeps with another guy or has been involved in a long distance EA... she is still nothing more than a run-of-the-mill cheater. Call it what it is.

Cheaters have a lot in common - but the most obvious are a lack of personal boundaries and morals. This is THEIR problem, not yours. You in no way caused this and you, alone, cannot fix it. Your wife needs to recognize that it is SHE who needs help and it is SHE who needs to repair the hurt she's caused. As we often say, you are responsible for 50% of the marriage - she is responsible for 100% of the affair.

So... force her hand. Make her choose. Let her know that she's free to continue messaging or texting or sexting anyone she chooses - but not as your wife. Read about the 180 in the top left corner of this page. If you're supporting her - paying for her phone, internet, etc. - stop. Don't enable poor behavior.

See an attorney. Know your rights. You will be in a far more favorable position if you know all the possible outcomes.

Lastly, you need strength. Don't beg her to stop or play "pick me." Being nice just makes you look weak and you will never forgive yourself (trust me). Instead, be calm and show resolve. She ends it immediately (and there are plenty of threads here that can give you instruction on how to do this) and takes the steps necessary to heal what she has done - or the marriage is over.

Lastly, no one wants their kids to be a product of divorce. But remember that it's far better that they see in you a man who will not be treated like crap. A man who will stand up for himself. Kids are much better off in a divorced setting that is happy than a married one that's miserable.

You need to be strong, my friend.

How long has this been going on? How did they meet?

And what makes you so positive that it has not been physical? Although, the EA could be worse. My husband cheated with women from Oregon, Iowa, and Florida. We live in Pennsylvania, and they came to him.

Does it make sense that she's willing to destroy everything for someone she's never even kissed? Think about that.

[This message edited by mharris at 11:35 AM, March 24th (Friday)]

I'm sorry that you are here.

Please, any advice.

First step: Take care of yourself. Eat. Drink water. Don't drink alcohol. Sleep. Exercise. This is a very rough time and it will be much worse if you do not take care of yourself. Eating is particularly important... many people are unable to eat for days (it's referred to as the infidelity diet). Do not be afraid to go see a doctor, especially if you have mental health issues (e.g., depression) or you are having trouble sleeping. Unless you are CERTAIN that there is no PA, get tested for STDs too.

Second step: Recognize that your wife is a liar. She has hidden this affair from you for some time. It almost certainly goes a lot deeper than you think that it does now. Almost all wayward spouses do similar things. Mostly, though, waywards lie... then lie about lying. After that, they lie some more.

Third step: Go to the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner of this site (yellow box) and start educating yourself.

Fourth step: Get yourself into see a therapist to help manage yourself. You can probably ignore marriage counseling for now; I say this because most people in your position immediately want to see a marriage counselor -- it's too soon.

Fifth step: Keep this discussion going. Update us. Listen to our advice. Ask questions. Unfortunately, you are about to embark on the world's worst roller coaster ride... but most/all of us have been on it and we are here to help.

She is a great person so be nice.

She was once a great person, perhaps. She has not been a great person, lately, if she has been having an EA.

Do not despair. Reconciliation is possible if both partners want to reconcile and both are willing to work at it. A lot of wayward spouses think that they are in love while they are in an affair, but then they have an epiphany and they want to go back.

And what makes you so positive that it has not been physical? Although, the EA could be worse. My husband cheated with women from Oregon, Iowa, and Florida. We live in Pennsylvania, and they came to him.

I agree with the comment. Don't be so sure.

My wife's AP lives in Virginia.... we live nowhere near there. They have had sex twice, that I know, since we got married. Once in Texas and once in our house when he traveled here, while I was traveling for work.

From what I can gather this has been very short in time, maybe a month or two, not 100% sure. I'm fairly certain that she hasn't traveled but there is the possibility that he traveled to her. They met through social media, that's where I discovered this. She says that she has been unhappy for years but never brought it up, lack of actually knowing how to communicate would be a culprit, but that is correctable. I believe she has convinced herself that this new person will provide everything opposite of what she considers my bad qualities.

Have you seen any evidence of proof of the beginning of the affair? I would start there, if you haven't already.

And how did they meet? I assume that has been eliminated?

Here's the thing. We BS never get the truth on dday. Never. They lie, deny, and minimize the relationship between them, in order to protect themselves. And we BS so desperately need to believe that what they are telling us is true, that we think that our spouse is the one cheater who is different. Our cheating spouse is the one who really did just kiss, or went to a hotel room, but just cuddled.

The WS always says they were unhappy for years, but never said anything. Right. Pick a thread, any thread in Just Found Out. They all say this! It's not about you. It's about her being weak.

I would stress to you to act like everything is normal and dig for information. You might not know everything. And she could still be communicating with him, just via other methods. I know my husband had secret texting app on his phone that didn't show up on the phone bill. And he also communicated through the messaging system on LinkedIn and somehow on an onlime game.

Ya gotta love it when they start re-writing history in order to fit their little agenda, don't you?

And if she was 'unhappy for years,' why did she never approach you to try to make things better? Why did you not know how miserable she apparently was for all those years? She must have hidden it OH SO well.

She sounds like every other fool who gets caught up in these fantasy online 'romances' and they're suddenly rewriting history and claiming they've been in marriage 'hell' for years and are now questioning whether they should stay.

And all this drama based on a month or two of chatting with some lonely loser supposedly 3000 miles away whose going to offer her Shangri-La, is that it? Pardon me while I laugh.

She more than likely has connected with some married liar pretending to be single or divorced, desperate for a cheap thrill so he's promising her the moon - when in reality, there he sits in his skivvies furiously typing away into the chat box with your wife about their happily ever after while his wife puts their kids to bed and wonders why her husband is so damned attached to that laptop lately. If I had a nickel for every time that particular scenario has played out, I'd own Bimini.

You can call her a 'great' person all you want. But 'great' people don't do this crap behind your back then rewrite your marital history in order to justify their possible leaving for some internet FANTASY. And that's what he is.

I'd LOVE to be a fly on HIS wall and watch his reaction if she were to tell him she was leaving you and would be showing up on his doorstep with all her bags in a week. I'd pay to see how he'd try to squirm out of THAT one. It's one thing to fantasize about all that crap into a chat box because it's not like you're being called on to actually provide it. It's quite another when the person you've been fantasizing with wants to make it a reality and is talking about showing up on your doorstep to claim that fantasy life. That's quite the icy cold bucket of reality there, ain't it?

She's in la-la land.

You need to get strong and stop doing the 'pick me!' dance. You don't let HER decide your future because she's still trying to figure out if Prince Charming is a better fit for her than you. You're not some used car sitting on a lot while she decides between you and the other shiny model at the other dealership.

NEVER settle for that disrespect.

[This message edited by NoMercy at 12:33 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

Then I guess I need to man up and confront her with evidence, btw, I found out on the shared family tablet, our children could have easily seen the evidences of her EA. I need to tell her to stop it immediately!

Then I guess I need to man up and confront her with evidence, btw, I found out on the shared family tablet, our children could have easily seen the evidences of her EA. I need to tell her to stop it immediately!

Yes, definitely take charge of this situation and your family. This is no time to be passive, weak, crying, etc. That'll only make you look even weaker to your WW and her AP look stronger. You have to be strong, in control of your emotions, and very firm on your boundaries and what you will and will NOT tolerate.

Edit: forgot to add, she is not a great person or she wouldn't be doing this. Take your love blinders off.

[This message edited by CincyKid at 1:17 PM, March 24th (Friday)]

I would expose her to everyone, too. I kept my husband's dirty secret for 2.5 years. He was Father of the Year, practically. If she is willing to destroy your and your kids lives for someone she has never met, then expose. The world needs to know. That is the fastest way to kill it.

Just tell her she is free to go be with him and she has to leave now.

Meanwhile definitely download the how to help your spouse booklet and give it to her.

It sounds harsh to say go....but infidelity sucks. EA is infidelity. It's just as bad as physical. But it's harder for the WS to see it's just as bad. In their heads they haven't stepped over this line..

The EA definitely increases seeing you in a negative way. They have someone who is egging on what they dislike. They have to make you into a bad person so they don't feel bad about talking about you.

You will likely look back and see your interactions with wife have gotten worse as EA progressed

Days before I discovered the EA I was sitting alone thinking the situation had gotten so bad that it was time to call it quits. Ofcourse day or so later I knew why it hadn't gotten so bad.

I am still with my husband who had a short EA but -- almost two years out the trust is still damaged.

He didn't see the damage it caused. How couldl thousands of text messages cause so much trouble?

He is just now starting to see the scope of the damage. I don't think he will ever understand fully.

What I am working on now personally -- is realizing that the trust he broke has severely damaged how I view and interact with everyone. It's hard to trust anyone when the person closest to you stabs your heart.

If you need any links to lit on how/why EAs as bad I can send some

Regards

MY

Hi, welcome to SI. So glad you found us, so sorry you are now a member of the infidelity club.

My husband had an EA with a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles away. Then it got physical...just once before I found out. Where there's a will, there's a way.

As a matter of fact, the OW flew to one of my husband's meetings just to get a glimpse of him for a couple of hours, and had she not been pregnant with her husband's child at the time, I'm certain they would have had a PA then.

Never underestimate a cheater. They lie, deny, minimize, blameshift, justify. Just be cautious as I cannot recall one situation here since I joined 8 years ago where the betrayed spouse received the entire truth. It could take weeks or months, sometimes even years.

Cody1970, I am going to be as gentle as possible on you. You do not have a good wife, you HAD a good wife. That relationship you once had is gone. A Good wife doesn't carry on a pseudo-sexual affair with a man 3000 miles away.

What has been said about your first steps is 100% true. This is something that your wife needs to own. If she can't own it, there is no more relationship. The spousal relationship must be built on trust and affection. Her affection has been directed outside of the marriage, which has obliterated the trust.

This is NOT your fault. I repeat, this is NOT your fault. She will try to shift blame onto you. You did not break Your marriage vows. She CHOSE to break hers. She may tell you that she didn't make a conscious choice...yes she did. Every time she had contact with him, it was a conscious decision. She may not have asked herself "should I have an affair today?" But every action that she did was chosen.

To confront her, you need to make sure that you can be as calm as possible (it will be an emotionally volatile situation, so don't do anything to exacerbate it). Be direct. Do not let her make any excuses. She either gets to make a full confession or she leaves. There are no other options that are good. Do not let her off the hook and do not take any of the blame on yourself. While there may have been issues in the relationship before the EA that you have co tributed to, the EA is all on her.

Print or email the proof of the affair somewhere safe with a password that is not typical.

Since she is engaging in the affair the marriage retreat is not helpful. Until she is remorseful you cannot recover.

She will probably start some nonsense that in her she is divorced. It doesn't matter. She is acting in a deceptive manner, by doing the follow-up s so she can say she did everything she could.

Do not tell her your source of evidence.

Thanks to everyone that have responded, your words are actually comforting me to sleep a little better at night! I have saved the evidence in a secure location that I will use if necessary. As far as the follow up sessions I completely agree, we will not be able to move forward until she admits to her wrong doing, I know that now, what I am doing is taking everything that she said I need to be better at, which I agree with her on that at least and am using that as fuel to come out on top no matter what!

Cody1970 I just wanted to send my support. I am going through something similar and just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.

My WH confessed in January to a long distance (on two different continents), but also long term emotional affair with his high school girlfriend. He ABSOLUTELY blindsighted me as he had been a dedicated father and family man. But nonetheless he walked out the next day and is planning a life with the OW (although they still can't figure out how it will work....probably due to the crazy logistics) and has no interest in R. I still can't wrap my head around why he would leave his beautiful life where things were good in our home to follow a pipe dream of being with the OW from 20 years ago in his life.

I am so sorry that it is happening to you, too. It is so unfair and painful.

I'm sorry you find yourself here. You are getting good advice.

First off, so your wife was unhappy for years and didn't tell you? How did she expect you guys to fix it? So now after 20 years she decides instead of trying to fix it that she just wants to cut and run? My guess is the rewriting of marital history has taken place because she did not have good boundaries, met someone on social media that stroked her ego and is in fantasyland.

Is this person married? If so find a way to contact her and inform her of what's going on. Don't tell your wife this or she will tip him off. Don't assume they haven't hooked up. Read my story . There are some similarities.

Also when you confront her, don't tell her what you know,just that you know everything. Otherwise she will only confess to what you know. Don't reveal your sources. Good luck and keep posting.

1survivor, Not sure if this person is married or not, my guess is yes. I know his name, where he lives and works of course if any of it is true. I have screen shot evidence that my wife can't lie her way out of. I believe tonight is d day! We are going to a follow up session for the retreat we went on last weekend, I know that today will not be productive as she is still thinking about her life with the EA.

Don't wait too long to confront. If she hasn't met him in person, that is coming soon.

When you confront, tell her you want to improve the marriage and ask her to commit to that. You love her and want a good marriage. You want her to be happy and you are fixing your faults.

If she still wants to be with the other man after that, tell her that the other man has had a huge advantage, he has been on his best behavior, he has been fighting against you, but you have not been able to fight back, so both him and you have been comparing to you, but you have been unaware. All of the relationship with the other man is not reality-based - no kids, no chores, no finances, no aging parents or extended relatives - for her and other man, it has just been sexting and I love you's, all passion and no reality, as opposed to you, with three kids, you are starved for passion for a good reason - lack of time - working full time, dealing with kids, chores, finances, etc.

Tell her if she wants to be with other man, after you speak your mind, then tell her to go be with him. Ask her for his phone number, tell her you will call him yourself and let him know she's coming, bag and baggage, and you are going to move on and grieve your loss, and then eventually hopefully find another woman who will not cheat and lie secretly behind your back. You, too, will find a new great love. A win-win. Good bye and good riddance. The kids stay here with you. Her actions cannot be undone. If she comes crawling back later, maybe you will take her back, maybe you won't, you can't say. You thought cheating would be a dealbreaker but it wasn't, and you think her leaving to be with him, refusing to end contact will be a dealbreaker, but you will take it a day at a time.

Tell her you will move forward, though, and you will respect yourself as a husband and as a father and as a man.

Now think about what you want. Do you want a wife who grudgingly stays with you out obligation or fear of unknown with other man?

Also, though, if you love your wife, treat her like an adult. And if she is acting childish, help her see what she is doing and where she stands. Grown adults can be gullible, can be wishful thinkers; grown adults purchase pills on informercials in the middle of the night thinking taking a pill will make them lose weight, or if they buy this real estate course, they will become millionaires. Because cheating is such a predictable behavior, and I have read it for so long, I can tell you that your wife is like those people.

Is the other man married? Is he a real person? Does he have a job? How much does she really know about him? I, and many others here, have seen that other men lie. Over sex. Would you believe that a guy would cheat and manipulate to get sex? Apparently there are quite of few cheating wives who don't know that. Or think they are little special unique snowflakes, so it is not happening to them.

And on that point, there also are many betrayed spouses who also think they are special little snowflakes, that their cheaters are better than those other cheaters who are populated in the other threads here. Yes, the cheater in that other thread is a terrible person, but my little cheater, mine is really a great person!!! I can tell you from my point of view, I see no evidence that your wife is any different than mine or any other cheaters here. Your wife maybe didn't have sex, not physical YET, but she would if she had the opportunity. Just luck. There is a lot of luck involved in this. A lot is beyond outside your control. You can control yourself. If you're trying to control your wife, step aside, you're down the wrong path.

As you look at this whole shit sandwich you are starting to take a bite of, know a few truisms. Watch her actions, not so much her words. If the words and actions conflict, believe the actions and ignore the words. If she says she wants to be with you and work on the marriage, but then she stays in contact with him, then believe that action.

She will minimize. She will flat out lie. She will blame you. She will rationalize. It really is extremely simple. You both vowed, she broke them. Does she want to make amends?

What should you ask for?

1, she ends contact from him now and forever;

1a, she makes an effort to show you that she is ending the contact, she gives you evidence she has done it, either lets you hear it, or see the texts, she offers up all her accounts and devices, passwords, and says you can look whenever you want because she no longer has any secrets. (Should spouses have secrets between each other? What is the difference between privacy and secrecy? If there is privacy between spouses, what should it be? Would privacy be in an email or text or social media?) She blocks him, changes her phone number, deletes his contacts, terminates her social media accounts - these are other things she can show that she truly wants to end contact with other man.

2, she tells you the full truth. She shows you information about other man, answers your questions, and the story she tells makes sense.

3, she engages back in the marriage (as do you).

The number one sign of cheating is hiding/guarding the phone. The number two sign is the cheater's behavior, everything you say or do annoys her, she is short with you, distant with you, cold with you, not affectionate. Once caught, it is easy for the cheater to get around and stop hiding/guarding the phone and still cheat, but changing the behavior is difficult for any length of time.

Is the other man married?

Who knows besides you and her and other man? Any of her friends or families know?

We'll just confronted wife, she tried to lie but I hit her with proof and she buckled. She then said she was chatting with multiple guys online and has shared sexual pics and videos with the AP's. She said there is only one that she really likes and will not end. She wants out, apperantly I drove her to this. I told her to end the contact or I will tell our kids. I feel even more hopeless now.