SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

From reading I've gathered that it is normal to want details about the affair... but is it normal to want every last piece of info? Even down to the disgusting graphics of it all? My mind races and I want to know EVERYTHING. Positions, what they said during sex, who put on condoms, etc. I feel like I'm going crazy..

It is normal, I was the same, and got every detail as you describe. Does it help or hurt, both. Both have difficult parts to deal with. Knowing, well, you hear brutally hard things, not knowing, your mind creates what happened. No win situation in my books.

It is very normal. We try to wrap out heads around it and feel the need for details to know what it is/was. It just means you have questions that need to be answered. Without answers, your mind will make up the rest.

I am going through the exact same thing! Needing to know and hating it at the same time!

Then I put the details together and when I close my eyes these horrible, vile sex tapes of my husband and another woman go through my eyes. I can't sleep till I take a sleeping pill.

But I may be the weirdest person of all on here because after I ask him the details, which he is so ashamed to speak...I play the whole gross scene back for him in words. I want to torment him with what I am being tormented with and I want him to feel the full force of shame by hearing his wife actually speak the minute details OUT LOUD of what he did. Probably not the best idea for someone who wants to reconcile, but I am in full force mode of "Hell hath no fury like a woman Scorned".

You are going to SUFFER now buddy!

Some of us have to and others don't. I was a need to know. In ways it hurt me badly but I couldn't move forward without knowing the extent of the damage. Yet in some aspects, it helped me recover. Knowing he treated her badly and there sex was very selfish on his part and she appears to have a sex addiction.

Make the decision carefully - you can't unknow something.

What you are feeling is normal.

It is important for healing that you & WS tell the same story of your history.

Don't know your story but you have to have all of the facts in order to decide whether to R or D.

Sending you strength.

...is it normal to want every last piece of info?

For some people it is. If you ask for details, I'll wager you're going to want to ask the same questions multiple times.

The questions serve a number of healthy purposes.

First, every honest answer builds trust; every dishonest answer destroys more trust. This helps you decide if you want to R or not.

Second, every honest answer helps the WS take responsibility for what she did, and taking responsibility is required for the WS to heal.

Third, every honest answer helps you think you understand a little bit more. Personally, I don't think I'll ever understand, but it was comforting to think I did before I learned that will never happen.

Fourth, asking multiple times is a check on your WS's honesty. Also, asking similar questions gives you more of a 3 dimensional view of the A(s).

BTW, if you fear an answer, I recommend asking the question - I want to get the bad news out on the table ASAP. I figure the pain will be less the earlier I learn of the crap.

Also BTW, you will eventually run out of questions ... well, at least the Qs will become very rare ... I still ask a Q occasionally, 6+ years out, and I like knowing my W will give me an honest answer.

[This message edited by sisoon at 3:21 PM, March 26th (Sunday)]

Yes it is normal for many of us - but then just about anything comes under the title of "normal" where betrayal is concerned.

I wanted to know everything from where to did she swallow or spit. * What you want to know will partly depend on how you are wired.

Our WSs have had this whole other life that has been hidden from us. Knowing anything we need to shows that they willing to do what we BS ask even when it is shameful and disgusting for them to own their actions. That is probably why TT and saying they can't remember does such damage - it is still them putting themselves first.

There is no such thing as too much information. I ask questions and then more questions. I like details. Also, it was easy to trip him up because I remembered everything he told me and the details is where he got lost.

I never asked either of my serial cheaters for the dirty details. Then again, they would have only lied anyway so it would have been pointless.

I actually didn't care about the details at all. I honestly didn't.

I think the best litmus test when seeking details is to first ask yourself if knowing the answers will help your healing. You can't unring a bell. Once you know something, you can't not know it.

New information does create new triggers. There's no way around that. Lack of information will often result in less trust though, as the mind fills in the blanks.

It's up to you to weigh which is worse. Say, for example, that you suspect the WS took the AP to your favorite restaurant. Do you want to know and be triggered by the mere sight of the place, or do you want to not know and wonder every time you eat there whether your WS is silently revisiting his/her experience with the AP? It's entirely your call and you make it by choosing what's most comfortable for you.

Kaygem.....

This is exactly where I am at. Right now I am making him suffer with my words. However what I am finding is that not only am I making him suffer, but I'm making myself suffer right along with him. I've said some pretty mean shit to him in the last two months. I meant every word, but looking back on some of the things I've said....I do wish I could take some

Of them back and keep them to myself. That's the thing with words tho. Once u say them you can't unsay them. His suffering brings me no worry. But I'm torturing myself. It's so hard to stop tho

Were any of you concerned that rehashing the details would turn your WS on or make them think of doing it again?

I too had this urgency to know all the details. The closest I came was knowing the place, the A-HOLE she was with, what she was wearing (because I caught her putting it back in the closet) and the location and time. I actualy got sick just knowing that much. I am not a movie director...but I play one in my mind every night. That's what keeps me up all night. It is getting better after 5 days and it helps to picture other things in my mind like the great times I have spent with my kids over the years. She will never take those away from me!

Hang in there

The more you find out then the more you will obsess about it. You have to draw the line somewhere. Affair sex is usually more "experimental" than normal sex because the naughtiness adds to the thrill. This is standard for affairs, it's not exclusive to your wife. Sure you should get the details but I advise you not to bring out the microscope.

[This message edited by Smillie at 2:08 AM, May 4th (Thursday)]

Were any of you concerned that rehashing the details would turn your WS on or make them think of doing it again?

Earlier on, a few months after DDay, I do remember having concerns about bringing these people to mind. Not so much that my fWH would do it again, but that they'd be present in whatever moment we were having at the time, kwim? It felt kind of like inviting these OW back into his brain space.

In the end, I really made a concerted effort to think beforehand on whether or not my questions or triggers were worth discussion. Some are. For example, I wanted to know more recently if the third OW knew he was still involved with the second one. I thought about my question for a few days actually, figured out whether it was important to my healing, then I asked it. Turns out that OW#3 (who threw away her home sitch), never knew anything at all about OW#2, and that my fWH was in fact "cheating" on her as much as he was cheating on me. What this told me was that OW#3 wasn't as emotionally important to him as I had worried about.

You see the gamble there though and why I had to really think it over. If he had dropped OW#2 in favor of OW#3, my takeaway would have been more troubling but probably still necessary to my healing.

I think in some ways what we most want to do by asking EVERYTHING is to make sure that there is no sense of intimacy left between the affair partners. All that was said and done is not "just between them" anymore.

The problem is though, that once a thing is known, it can't be unknown. And, we are kind of inviting the AP back into whatever moment we're experiencing in the present. It becomes very individual because we all need different things in order to heal.

I know I do, drives me crazy at times still hoping in some twisted way I'm guessing it's hard and I've felt every emotion under the sun. Good luck

The only problem with asking them is how do you know they are telling you the truth? They are likely going to say it wasn't great, they were bad in bed, etc.

I didn't bother asking. I heard all I needed to hear on the VAR. I try as best I can not to think about the details. It's so damn painful.

I couldn't even get close to the truth with my ex-WW. While she was still calling him just a "friend" my ex-WW said "Shelly said you're probably doing the same thing when your traveling for work." which at the time would have meant going to movies and singing in the choir at church with single women.

Now I just have to laugh at all of her "tells" that told me everything I needed to know. She could never tell the same story twice because she has ADHD.

No matter what, it gets easier over time and life will be good again.

I'm going through that now. The images of my H and the stripper he had talked with for several months keeps me up at night and I can't help but think the worst. I want to know absolutely everything that happened, from when they met, how much money did you give her, etc. Unfortunately he has given me no information and I've have to do the research to find out everything myself from band statements, telephone bills and even calling her and the strip club. He would never tell me the truth and continues to tell me he doesn't want to talk about it. It's bad because I feel I have no closure at all and continue to ask questions.