About 10 months ago, I was looking for a natural healer/doctor for my first pregnancy. I was 3 months or so along. I go to a local natural clinic, and in walks this young male doctor, couldn't be under 35. He has dark brown hair, and a ring on his finger. We talk in his office for a little while. He says he's a licensed physician but he prefers naturopathy because he thinks it's more peaceful and better for the patient. Meanwhile, he's visibly nervous. He's trembling a little as he takes my pulse. I ask him if he's new to medicine, and he stammers an apology for his nerves. He's smitten, I know. And I find him very attractive too. I ask if he can give me pregnancy advice, and he does, but he says he can't be there for the whole pregnancy because this is his last month at the natural clinic. So I ask where he'll be transferring to, and he just stops and gazes into my eyes for a few seconds. There's a definite connection, a tension in the room and he gives the name of a local hospital. He says he'll just be a GP, not an obgyn, but he gives me the name of a midwife... and his phone number, and he tells me to call him anytime for "medical advice". Sure. Medical advice. For weeks I tried to forget about him, but I had a couple sex dreams about him. I really wanted to call him, but I didn't.
One day, a month after my visit to his office, when my husband was out of town, I had a sick headache. I finally caved and called the doctor. I told him I was really feeling terrible and I couldn't come to his office, but could he come over and see me? He said he didn't usually make house calls, but he'd be glad to. He was at my door in less than half an hour. I figured nothing would happen between us because I was so sick and I looked like a hot mess. Nothing really did happen, except for a few kisses on my forehead and temples. He was so tender and compassionate. In spite of being a disheveled mess, he looked into my eyes and told me I looked perfect. He stayed with me for eight hours, massaging my head and neck, giving me excedrin, and ice packs. He even went out to the store, picked up some soup, and came back to heat it up for me. He truly cared for me. It was evident in everything he did and said.
From then on, while my husband was at work, I would think up as many excuses as possible to call him. A slight headache, a bruise, hormones , anything. Much of the time, he'd just talk to me on the phone, but sometimes he'd come over, about twice a month or so, when he could manage to get away from work. One night, about 2 months later he was sitting beside me on the bed and I just started crying. Full-on sobbing. He immediately took me in his arms and held me and murmured something like, "It's okay, let it out, I'm right here. I've got you. I'm here, you're alright." I explained through my tears that I had fallen in love with him and I didn't know what to do about it. He cupped my face in his hands and dried my tears and said he knew, and that he loved me too. I asked him what on earth we should do about it. He said he desperately wanted to be with me, but he would accept my decision on the matter. He said if I didn't want to see him anymore, I should tell him now. I told him I did want to see him, but I was afraid and confused. He said we could go in any direction I wanted with "us", whatever we were.
I said, can we just play it by ear? He said of course. I leaned in to kiss him, and that was it. Fireworks!!! We made love right there on the Master bed. Being a doctor, I suppose, made him an EXTREMELY skilled lover. The phrase bedside manner got a whole new meaning. Our first time, he was premature. He apologized profusely, said he was nervous and I was so beautiful he couldn't help himself, and then he proceeded to give me the most mind-blowing oral I've ever had. I didn't know I could orgasm twice until that day. It was amazing.
After, we kissed and cuddled and he told me he thought we were meant to be. I agreed.
He came over at least once a week after that. Usually twice. He'd stay for a couple of hours and we'd go on dates or stay at home and talk and cuddle. We would have sex sometimes, sometimes not, until about my 7th month of pregnancy. He was an amazing and generous lover. He would occasionally take the day off, but he'd still be on call for emergencies. On those days, he took me out on dates that lasted my husband's entire work day. We went to the park one day in late November and when I got too tired to walk due to being pregnant, he carried me to a park bench and I laid my head on his lap and he stroked my hair. We talked for the first time about our future. He said he wanted to have a future with me. He said that no woman had ever made him feel so loved and needed, and important. He told me he was ready to leave his wife for me and he said he was praying I wanted the same. I told him I really didn't know what I wanted. I loved him more than anything, but what about the baby? I needed stability in my life, and I almost thought about ending the relationship right then, but instead I told him I needed time to decide what to do about us.
He said he'd be willing to raise my baby as his own, and maybe someday when I was ready we'd get married and have our own children.
When my daughter was born at the end of February, I named her after my paramour's mother.
Even so, I still just don't know whether and how to build a new life with this man. I love him so much, and my heart would die without him. I'd feel so empty without him. I can't stand the thought of leaving him. But every time I hold my new daughter, I think of my husband, and I don't know how I feel or what to do. My husband doesn't know anything. I could just file, move out, and be gone just like that. My lover is better off financially than my husband, so I don't really need much from the divorce. It would be easy, in theory. But I feel so lost and confused sometimes. Usually I end up crying in my lover's arms. And he, being so gentle and kind, always comforts me and holds me. He says he thinks I'm suffering from postpartum depression, and that if I only leave with him, he'll look after me and the baby and help me recover.
The worst part of this is that sometimes, when I think about going to elope with the doctor, I don't imagine taking the baby with me. Sometimes when I look at her I feel nothing but pain, because she's a part of my marriage and my husband. I feel absolutely horrible saying that, but it's true. I told my lover this once, and he held me and gripped my arms and said, very seriously, "Whether or not you want the baby in our lives is your choice. If you don't feel that you can be a good mother to her, it might be best to leave her with... HIM. (referring to my husband) But you know I will love her and care for her as my own. You need to take your time to decide something this important. It might not be you talking. It might be the depression."
Please, what do I do?
[This message edited by DoctorsLove at 8:18 PM, April 1st (Saturday)]
