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Fww has said that she will goto ic but does not know what goals. She is willing to go if I set goals or she comes up with her own. I am hoping to use upcoming road trip to set goals together.

We have downloaded not just friends and after the affair on a Kindle and we are both going to read them on the road trip. I am hopping we come up with goals after reading these to handle in either ic or mc.

My fww and I have done some changes and set new boundries to help her become a better partner. Most of the changes are about me feeling comfortable in the short term and not long term persality changes. I want this to change becuase I don't want to feel like a warden for the rest of our lifes.

Emergency type changes

1 always let me know where and with whom

2 full access to all accounts, phone and tracking software.

3 on one on one with other men.

4 continued transparency

5 Gave up leadership positions in singing group to reduce time away from home and cut of some of the events that were lied about. Still a member but number of meeting reduced.

Long term changes

1 Much more open relationship sharing emotion instead of bottling up

2 Mc as needed

3 reading about affair recovery and relationship improvment.

What about triggers?

Have you and your old lady talked about triggers....when you go off on her is she prepared to help you heal.

For me, every time I passed a cheap motel and if she was in the car I would give her shyt about her old life style.

If we are watching a moving and infidelity is involved....forget about it...I was all over her about her screwing around.

My old lady realizes why and brought me back down being the submissive little minx she is, but in your case you guys need to address this crap. It will happen (unless you hold it in and resentment builds and that ain't good).

After all; she is the one that phucked up she is the one that should be prepared to fix your shyt when you go off.

[This message edited by TheGuy123 at 5:55 PM, July 8th (Saturday)]

She has has actually been really good with responding to triggers and talking to me in a way that helps end and resolve them but unfortunately she still starts them by saying stupid things from time to time. I have also found that once fww gets stressed the first thing out of the window is her ability to handle my triggers

Your last post would be something she could work on in IC.

Update after 3 week road trip.

Well our long road trip is over. What was part rug sweeping and part lack of opertunity to talk due of lack of privacy on the trip, we had a break from the affair during the trip. It felt normal, I slept and it felt good. I can see how people can be tempted to just rug sweep instead of dealing with the issues. So easy.

When we got home obs contacted me to see if I have seen any odd behavior because om was refusing to share cellphone and omitted work travel plans. This pulled me right back to reality. I was able to confirm om didn't see fww because we were on the other side of the country at the time and it has made me hyper vigelent again.

We have both have been reading after the affair and fww has finally scheduled ic.

One section of the book really hit me hard. It was talking about the risk of additional affairs. "Indicator #3: An Ability to Communicate Openly" hit me like a frieght train. Fww has definitely had issues opening up to me before the affair. Infact her excuse for the affair was om could open her up and that I should have known how she was feeling without her telling me. She had me convinced I was lacking because I wasn't able see what she wasn't sharing. In fact when I asked how the om got her to open up the answer was questions and when I ask questions I was made to feel like I should already know.

It’s not your job alone to break through the silences

This section I believe is a big part to the reason why fww has finally agreed to ic. It has seemed to hit her hard as well.

The book and the IC can be good indications. But you slipped by this too quickly in your post:

...because om was refusing to share cellphone and omitted work travel plans... I was able to confirm om didn't see fww because we were on the other side of the country at the time and it has made me hyper vigelent again.

Their physical separation was self evident. Did she have access to cell/voice/text/email? During the trip? Before? After? How does the OBS report of OM cell phone guarding coincide/overlay with your trip timeframe?

Their physical separation was self evident. Did she have access to cell/voice/text/email? During the trip? Before? After? How does the OBS report of OM cell phone guarding coincide/overlay with your trip timeframe?

Yeah she still had access to the internet and i still have full access to her accounts. I don't see myself giving that up any time soon. During the trip i wasn't checking as often but i was still checking once every several days, unlike now where it is daily or more.

The timing has made me trigger and step up my observation, but i am also not surprised. OBS has also told me about other women the OM has had potential but unconfirmed affairs with as well as personal ads before and during the A. I am not getting a full picture from the OBS but it looks like the OM may be a serial cheater. I am trying my best to not concern my self with what is going on with that side, it wont help anything, but i have to admit i am very curious.

Infact her excuse for the affair was om could open her up

I've had the unfortunate experience to have known a few habitual male whores (married or otherwise). They have a knack at exploiting women's weaknesses for their own benifit. They know how to pretend to be interested in their problems and let them go on and on and eventually they open up. Once their successful at getting into their head its game over.

and that I should have known how she was feeling without her telling me.

And there's the crux of the problem. Unfortunately when you've been in a marriage for awhile the newness and freshness erodes away with time. Your WW let the OM blow smoke up her arse. Why? Because she liked it. She didn't have the proper boundaries to put a stop to it.

And there's the crux of the problem. Unfortunately when you've been in a marriage for awhile the newness and freshness erodes away with time. Your WW let the OM blow smoke up her arse. Why? Because she liked it. She didn't have the proper boundaries to put a stop to it.

Exactly

OP,

Your situation mirrors my wife's A in a number of ways. Long term A, OM's wife knew about the A months before I did and didn't tell me, we are in R.

I'm curious about something though. Were you not angry with OM's wife for not telling you about the first A? In effect, she enabled the continuation of the A by not telling you.

Did you tell her that? Didn't she think you deserved to know you were living a lie? What was her reason for not telling you?

You should have given her hell for that. (I know I did.)

[This message edited by badmemory at 2:15 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

OP,

Your situation mirrors my wife's A in a number of ways. Long term A, OM's wife knew about the A months before I did and didn't tell me, we are in R.

I'm curious about something though. Were you not angry with OM's wife for not telling you about the first A? In effect, she enabled the continuation of the A by not telling you.

Did you tell her that? Didn't she think you deserved to know you were living a lie? What was her reason for not telling you?

I'd have given her hell for that. (I did.)

I wasn't angry but there is no question i would have rather her tell me because the affair would have ended earlier but at the same time obs isn't responsible for the affair, only my fww is responsible, (i don't even blame OM, he is a scum bag but it's fww fault, just as its om fault for obs).

Obs claimed she was "scared because of the news stories of people going crazy about this crap" and she didn't want to be responsible for ending our M, she didn't realize that my fww had already taken the action, obs would have just waking me up to the reality in my own bedroom.

If it wasn't for this site i would have been in same boat, obs wouldn't have know about 2nd affair, I would be blaming my self and performing the most pathetic pick me dance that you would have ever seen. And i do mean extremely pathetic.

[This message edited by Aabbccdd at 7:37 PM, August 9th (Wednesday)]

Well that sucked.

I have been insisting that that fww be completely open and honest with both what she is feeling and thinking, especially where this was the hole she was trying to fill during the affair because she felt she couldn't share with me.

Well that backfired last night. We have had sex 2 time since we got home from our trip and both time were not great. fww told me that she was starting to get frustrated. What the hell does she expect me on my a game after all of the shit? and it not like we haven't had good sex before the trip. I have only just gotten rid of the stupid mind movies.

Although fww didn't say it i am now comparing my self to om. This is such of a sensitive subject for me. She she was talking about it my mind was changing what was being said and making it so much worse. Like the words were changing meaning.

Fww has been saying sorry ever sense and i think she get what she did to me. I just really sucks.

Not sure I understand. If she is Remorseful and trying for R she should be building you up not tearing you down.

i wish i understood as well. she does so good bending over backwards, to give me what i need, then does something like this that sets me off so badly. I am not sure if she doesn't get what she was saying would do to me or if she didn't think before talking or my worse fear is that she is still rewriting our history.

I just don't know.

I have amended the tell me everything you are thinking to think about what i am going through then share.

I should also add, she doesn't do stuff like this often. This is like 2 time she has said something so stupid since the fog has lifted.

[This message edited by Aabbccdd at 6:34 PM, August 10th (Thursday)]

Brother, I know the argument could be made that she is not showing proper empathy, and in turn that makes her remorse questionable.

However, she gave you EXACTLY what you asked for: unvarnished honesty. I would argue that, as painful as it may by, you NEED to continue hearing that.

"Wife, when I hear that, it hurts. However, that does not mean I no longer want to hear it."

Transparency is one of those really tricky relationship necessities. The easy side is volunteering passwords and other ways that build trust. The not so easy (yet absolutely necessary) side is the unvarnished truth.

Not only will you have no doubt about where your WW is, but you will truly be able to gauge whether or not reconciliation is a good idea.

I do believe she is remorseful and she was following my instructions. In fact most time we tackle hard topics we do well, but right now fww says the last several time we have had sex wasn't good and i hear i suck compared to OM or we have never had good sex. I still want to tackle all of the other topics but sex talk is going to have to wait. I am not able to process this topic yet.

Have to say it. What keeps you in this marriage ????? She cheats on you when you have two young kids. She brags about how 'great; he is compared to you. She lied, trickle truthed and then longs for him.

You do know that divorce is an option. Right ?/

You do know that there are better women out there who will treat you with respect. Right ??

So you need to ask yourself why you stay in an abusive relationship. Co-dependency ??

So, what is she doing to make the sex better?

Have to say it. What keeps you in this marriage ????? She cheats on you when you have two young kids. She brags about how 'great; he is compared to you. She lied, trickle truthed and then longs for him.

You do know that divorce is an option. Right ?/

You do know that there are better women out there who will treat you with respect. Right ??

So you need to ask yourself why you stay in an abusive relationship. Co-dependency

There are many reasons why M is worth a shot to save. Many shared interests, many years of happiness(before the a), our kids, fww attempts today show me why she was wrong to have affair , fww continued work to improve her self and her continued reevaluating of her assumption and actions during the affair including reality vs fantasy. She has not been perfect but when she does mess up she tries hard to fix it.

Honestly I have been venting her mostly about the set backs here and there don't always talk about the positive progress. The tt has ended, fww view of om has changed, and she is very open to talking about what drew her to om and how it was wrong

If the progress was to stop, the affair to start again or the acceptance of her faults to end I would be looking to make an exit.

So, what is she doing to make the sex better?

I am going to have to ask her this question in the morning. She had already said it was unfair for her to expect my a game during all of this crap