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Ww said the om has the ability to get her to open up even when ww dosent want to and that ww found her self confiding in him becuase of this.

This is a common tale. It's easy to tell a stranger all your problems and intimate secrets, as there is no long term consequences, (well....)

It is what is exciting and mysterious about the affair. As my wife wrote when answering a list of questions:

" I had found someone that was just as pathetic as I was. We were like therapy to each other. I was the best friend he had ever had, and that I had saved him and he didn't know what he would have done without me. "

I believe this feeds and reinforces the affair, White Knight / Florence Nightingale Syndrome? Perhaps, but it feeds the ego of those looking for self worth, not matter how misdirected.

Wow this isn't helpful.

I have set hard boundaries including an expectation of trufulness and openness and rules to make me feel like affair isn't currently still happening.

I have told ww to have strict NC and I am prepared to end relationship if it is broken and I am keeping my self aware and checkingeven though it is hard on me.

WW has sent NC letter.

I already have ww passwords and she has agreed for me to install a tracking program on her phone.

Ww has awnsered all of my questions no matter how painful for both of us and i have been checking what I can against the mountain of evidence I found.

And I am still processing. I may be aiming for r but it is dependent on developing a new relationship and for me to have confidence that it will benifit my children and me. And that an affair will not happen again.

How is this not desisive action. I am not living with an affair I am trying to process, understand and end affair one way or the other. I just prefer r becuase of the years of happiness I have had and my children.

I agree that this is decisive action. Also, others appear to imply that you are leaning toward R in a knee-jerk way, but I do not see that. I see someone trying to cope while getting their bearings in this new land of betrayal.

You are still one-month out. IMHO, if you read most of the stories here and from my experience, nothing is clear yet. (The WS is usually not clear too about how they feel concerning their betrayal etc.) As you point out processing takes time. Bravo for giving yourself that time.

And please keep posting. We are rooting for you.

My sincere and respectful observation is that you seem to be taking her word as gospel on a whole lot of things.

Just to be clear:

Your wife had a rebound relationship with POSOM that never ended - just put on hold while she married you and he married his now wife.

She started it up again after the "strain" of trying for a baby and then succeeding in getting pregnant through IVF. He supported her where (according to her) you couldn't.

They broke it off until child no 2 comes along. And this time it was more physical than emotional.

She says the POSOM has a better emotional connection with her in making her open up and confide in him.

She has compared the two of you and you are similar but different (WTF does that mean).

And she said she loved the two of you (which means she loved him and is pacifying you).

So … she has a stronger emotional bond with him than you (even says he is better at that sort of stuff than you) …. is clearly in love with him (when she says she was in love with both of you) …. and finds him more physically attractive (the second time was all about that). But you might just be a good stable back up plan etc.

And you want to stay with her ?!?!?!? There is absolutely no guarantee that this will not start up again (in fact there is a strong likelihood that it will).

That is what others mean by being more decisive - you are currently burying your head in the sand and hoping things will get better. This should have been over the first time round!!! Dump her!!!!

Ww said I am the better husband, father and the person she wants our kids to grow up like. Physically were are similar but diffrent. Emontionally was the hard one. Ww said the om has the ability to get her to open up even when ww dosent want to and that ww found her self confiding in him becuase of this.

I disagree with twisted's interpretation of these statements ("It's easy to tell a stranger all your problems and intimate secrets, as there is no long term consequences ..."). The OM is no stranger, he's your WW old BF. He's the one she shared everything with, including details of your love life. He's the one who she keeps going back to.

IMO, here is what she is telling you, probably without realizing the full import of her words. The OM is the love of her life, the man around whom she can be herself and to whom she can give herself entirely. You on the other hand are her safe harbor, the man she can trust to take care of her and help her raise her children. She chooses you, not because you are first in her heart, but for her children's sake. This is not to say that she doesn't love you, just not like she loves him.

You need to decide if you are content to be your WW's Plan B. From what you've told us, I suspect you are, both because you want to keep your family together and because you are afraid to lose her. But be forewarned that, after years of passionless wedlock, quite a few men who were content to be Plan B eventually regret their decision. But by then, it's too late to start over.

I hope you do not become one of them.

My ww has also said said that she would not go back to [heroin] and that the [heroin] made her feel good but in retrospective it was not worth it and she especially regrets the pain it has caused me.

Ex-boyfriends have staying power. She has relapsed twice already. It felt good, and she knows it will feel good again. She doesn't like the consequences, but she likes the drug.

How many junkies say the same thing?

Some people will say that the state of "infatuation" is because of drug chemicals in the brain. I am inclined to believe that is PART of it.

Point: Make sure other man's wife knows. Ensure you talk with her. This is the single most effective way to end the affair.

Emotionally was the hard one. Ww said the om has the ability to get her to open up even when ww doesn't want to and that ww found her self confiding in him because of this.

Kind of magical, he just has a knack, I guess. It is just a kind of sparkly special thing, the way he makes her feel. I think it is important to do what is possible to have a relapse. Like have a talk with the other man's wife.

It rings false to me that your wife doesn't know too much about the other man's wife. Your wife told the most intimate stuff about you to the other man, because he wanted to size up the competition. Most likely your wife was much more emotional while other man was much more physical - I think very strongly that your wife would have sized up the other man's wife, thus I think she could help you get in touch with other man's wife.

If you have all of her emails (was that the prevalent channel of communicating?), what did those messages reveal about the affair?

The fact ww has gone back several time is why i asked her to go to IC and is a fear of mine. I want to give my WW a chance to prove her words are serious and the time is worth it for me and my kids.

The first time felt like a high school relationship. OM talked about work, his 3 kids and general BS and my WW talked about her day and our first kid. They also reminisced about their original relationship. the only mention of OBS was "i have to go, OBS is here." their was one conversation speculating on a future together.

The second time was much more dirty sexting. they talked about some of what they did but no where as much and i even have one email conversion where om was complaining that WW wasn't as committed to the relationship and didn't want to talk about a future. Several where om was complaining about canceled meetings. It was much more about the sex.

Alchemy, point taken. I was referring to the initial "slippery slope" that allows this to progress into a personal and emotional relationship. The WW did have a previous relationship, so maybe this doesn't exactly apply in this case.

OP, not to be argumentative but let me explain further.

My 'decisive action' comment that you claimed that wasn't helpful actually provoked a response , which surprised me as it provoked a response over and above those other posters who questioned your approach. It made you lay out the steps you have taken in one cohesive argument. So I do think it was helpful. And I never said you weren't doing anything.

However, my posts here aren't always designed to coddle you or tell you that you are doing a good job when I don't think you are. I am straight and to the point. My objective is always to steer someone to decisive action and an aggressive gameplan because , in infidelity, that is really their only solid path to get out of infidelity.

Be that as it may, OP, I agree with notanotherchance and manfromlamancha and WK (earlier posts) and a few others that put the message in perspective. You are willing to be open to reconcile while being Plan B and you are in for a long hurt while doing this. She is too close to the OM and her indecision regarding what to do in your relationship as opposed to the OM in a relationship that shouldn't even exist in the first place is a damaging blow. It, for many of us, is a fatal blow.

Read Manfromlamancha's post and check them off against your actions to date and tell me that you have acted decisively. I can't buy it. But that doesn't mean you can't start now.

I am going to step back and let the others advise you and hopefully they can guide you to the light.

Good luck. I do wish you the best but the path to that is decisiveness and quick action IMO

[This message edited by Western at 5:19 PM, May 3rd (Wednesday)]

Well I think it's time for an update. My ww has continued to be very open with me. It has been interesting see the affair change in her eyes as the fog lifted. From just I am sorry to I was addicted and now to I was stupid and what did I ever see in him. I believe she is remorseful and has been doing everything possible to prove it to me, from just saying I am sorry to opening up to each other more then in the past 14 years and more.

I am still getting triggered by stupid things and mind movies s#$k, but they are getting a lot less frequent but still daily.

I am still taking my life one day at a time but my future does not seem as dark anymore and my confidence is starting to return. And I also wanted to say reading all of the stories on this site has helped me see what to expect and help myself not feel crazy especially where this has been the most emotional I have ever been in my life.

Glad to hear AABB

Did she ever start IC? That would be an important step toward becoming a safe partner for you.

Did u ever contact OBS?

Good luck.

I think you still need to cut the ties from the other end.

In my opinion, you must inform the OBS, by whatever means necessary.

Your wife knows a home phone number or an address, even a new one. Or she sure knows how to get it.

Who else knows this guy, or his wife. what about a forwarding address from the Post Office.

This is a requirement.

Sounds to me like you and fWW are on track for successful R. It's very good that she's so willing to be transparent and accountable. Keep up the good work.

IC has been talked about and at our last MC session i brought it up. My ww has said that if i insist she will go but she does not think it necessary. My two main concerns were if she was repressing her feeling to save M and if there was something underlying that allowed to seek the affair.

We have talked about both of these both at MC and at home a lot and i feel she was repressing at first until the fog lifted and she now see it differently and underlying hole has also been talked about with IVF and both of us shutting down when we should have been support each other the most.

The second one is still concerns me but my ww swears she has leaned her lesson and will never allow us to close down communication again.

If i feels like she is holding back from me or starts seeming less open i may insist on IC but until then i believe the old adage applies that you can lead a horse to water but you can not make it drink.

I haven't been able to contact OBS. All i have found are dead ends. At this point i am going to keep my self aware of what is going on and if the affair starts again then he can have her and i would file. I think i would feel differently if my WW wasn't remorseful or sharing so openly.

I have also kept some evidence just in case but i hope i never need it.

No. A PI could find her info in less than a day. OM wife deserves to know. Do the right thing and your wife needs to be the one to make that call. All the details even about him pushing for more and not wanting to give up.

Sounds to me like you and fWW are on track for successful R. It's very good that she's so willing to be transparent and accountable. Keep up the good work.

Thank You

Thats funny i always though fWW was for divorced.

It has helped me a lot how open she has been and attentive. I am finding if i am quiet she will seek me out and check on me. It has done alot to help with the pain.

Aabbccdd, don't give up on notifying the OBS. If you don't you may regret it.

Damn AP have a bad habit of coming back, like zombies, you have to make sure they're dead the first time.

You've come a long way in 8 weeks. I wish you all the best, but only 8 weeks out you are still in emotional shock. You are likely consumed with making all of this better so you can get back to normal life. If things go as they usually go you might be back here soon with new issues to deal with. I hope your situation is different.

Guarantee you your wife could contact om or obs if she wanted too. Ask her for the address and phone number.