SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Red flag. WW doesn't feel IC is necessary.

Because she doesn't want to face her demons or understand why she had the A.

She doesn't want to do all the work - only the stuff that suits her need. My WH refused IC for 2 years. We made progress but not until he went to IC did he start to realize things.

I would question why she refuses IC. Many many cheaters do.

But then is she really committed to R?

She has deffently been facing her role and demons in the affair. We have spent many hours talking to each other about what she was feeling and how she justified it during the diffrent stages of the affair vs reality. And just to be clear she isn't refusing just saying she dosent think it's necessary becuase of the progress we have been making on our own. She has offered to go if I insist.

Guarantee you your wife could contact om or obs if she wanted too. Ask her for the address and phone number.

If you have her name (full name and maiden name help but not necessary) age bracket and where she lives or has lived and a few hours in front of a computer you will be able to get the info. But your WW has it and the home address as she has been there and talked about the OBS.

Until she does accept that IC is needed she ain't all in the R.

Sort of like any addict who thinks they can kick the addiction by themselves because they are just that much more special than everyone else.

You've come a long way in 8 weeks. I wish you all the best, but only 8 weeks out you are still in emotional shock. You are likely consumed with making all of this better so you can get back to normal life. If things go as they usually go you might be back here soon with new issues to deal with. I hope your situation is different.

I deffently understand this. I am still having good and bad days and I am still waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am just very hopeful with the progress we have made. I'm also realistic that one mistake or tt could easily erase the progress we have had and I am under no illusion that my old life return. I am now trying to find a new normal that I can live with happily.

I deffently understand this. I am still having good and bad days and I am still waiting for the next shoe to drop. I am just very hopeful with the progress we have made. I'm also realistic that one mistake or tt could easily erase the progress we have had and I am under no illusion that my old life return. I am now trying to find a new normal that I can live with happily.

If you think you can live with the sex - with knowing that the woman sleeping next to you had sex with someone else - then you have a decent chance to reconcile. In my opinion a BH knows - even after only 8 weeks - whether he can accept the sex. It's a gut feeling that makes you want to scream "you fucking slut" whenever you trigger. Be honest; is the sex a big deal to you? Are you one of those guys for whom sex is just exercise? Or are you a guy for whom sex, in marriage, is very special and even a bit sacred. Sharing her sex with another man can destroy the "special" feeling to some men and they will forever see their WW and their marriage as tainted by her cheating. What kind of guy are you?

If you think you can live with the sex - with knowing that the woman sleeping next to you had sex with someone else - then you have a decent chance to reconcile. In my opinion a BH knows - even after only 8 weeks - whether he can accept the sex. It's a gut feeling that makes you want to scream "you fucking slut" whenever you trigger. Be honest; is the sex a big deal to you? Are you one of those guys for whom sex is just exercise? Or are you a guy for whom sex, in marriage, is very special and even a bit sacred. Sharing her sex with another man can destroy the "special" feeling to some men and they will forever see their WW and their marriage as tainted by her cheating. What kind of guy are you?

I am still figuring this out for my self right now. I am strongly leaning towards my ability to accept what has happened as long as it doesn't happen again. We have been active since dday and most of the time it has been great but once in awhile mind movies get trigged and it is hard to get over. Like once out of 5 or 6 times. The emotional aspect is just as painful as the sex.

I finally got in contact with obs tonight. I resent facebook message and she responded almost instantly. We ended up talking for the next several hours about what we knew. I didn't learn anything new. Obs said she had intuition about the second affair and hadn't found any proof. She thanked me for reaching out to her. I feel so bad for her and her family.

She deserved to know.

Did your WW know you were talking to her? What were WWs thoughts about what you discussed?

I wish you both luck in R.

Did your WW know you were talking to her? What were WWs thoughts about what you discussed?

I think you should not tell WW. Keep the interaction with obs to yourself. It is good source of any NC breaks (quite possible due to thier history)and a good independent source of more info both for you and obs. although your WW trying to acting charitable after you got her, her betrayal is extreme. If not for your finding it would have been still going intense

What make me sad/feel bad is WSs use the secure home front/emotional support provided by BS to keep the affair exciting. They actually need the attention of BS to enjoy the affair. Now that your WW has some health issues she is less like to seek the thrill and safe guard the protection you give her

[This message edited by goalong at 5:16 AM, June 6th (Tuesday)]

Exactly. You'll quickly find out if they've been talking in some Back channel

My ww already knows about my conversation with the obs, I told her right away becuase her reactions have more value to me. If the fog hadn't already lifted I would have kept it private.

My wife was saying she was happy everyone knows. She was asking me if it was ok for her to write obs a letter to apologize for her role in a. She was also scard om will confront her and felt bad for obs and thier kids.

My ww also was surprised how much om continued to lie after being caught the first time. I would deffently classify om as unremorseful.

Congratulations on contacting the OBS, that is a big step and should give you some peace, it was the right thing to do.

Are you one of those guys for whom sex is just exercise? Or are you a guy for whom sex, in marriage, is very special and even a bit sacred.

That is a difficult question I had to face. If you decide to R, I had to compartmentalize the sex part, not an easy task. As I told her, we had a open marriage for 24 years, I wish somebody would have sent me the memo.

The emotional attachment to her OM was ultimately the harder of the parts to deal with.

My ww also was surprised how much om continued to lie after being caught the first time.

And how does this reflect on herself?

Excellent!

Aa

Are things still going well?

Hope so.

Well this week I would have to say well is a relative term. I have had alot of triggers this week. Fww finally had std test and it came back clean but between the time test was administeted and results came back my mind made sure I imaged all of the result posibilities. She also made the mistake of saying "she knew the results becuase she trusted OM, and OM had a std test after a1." Let's just say that went over like a lead balloon. I think this one line set me off for the week.

I have also been struggling with the why. My fww has been saying she had the affair becuase she was selfish, stupid and wouldn't let it happen again because of the pain it caused everyone involved. She followed up by saying she would never take our relationship for granted again. It feels like a very simplistic anwser and part of me wants more but I don't think I will ever find enough to make a why make me understand her actions and why I wasn't consider in the first place.

She is starting to read after the affair and has continued to anwser all of my questions and and has maintained nc and a high level of openess.

I still feel like I am one day at a time. This has been a rough week but the weeks before we're fairly good. We are now getting ready of a 3 week business trip we are taking together.

I hope u told her that comment was not helpful to your R.

Aa, has she started IC? I still think that is an important step toward solidifying R if that is the path you will take. I think you should take her up on her offer to do this. At the very least it will show you how committed she is to you. But it should show her the issues she needs to focus on within herself.

If you want, offer to go to IC for you as well. You probably could use it to work thru the pain.

Is she still going to the singing group? What steps have you/she taken for her to prove she is a safe partner to you now?

Best wishes.

My fww has been saying she had the affair becuase she was selfish, stupid and wouldn't let it happen again because of the pain it caused everyone involved. She followed up by saying she would never take our relationship for granted again. It feels like a very simplistic anwser and part of me wants more but I don't think I will ever find enough to make a why make me understand her actions and why I wasn't consider in the first place.

Selfishness goes without saying. But this is all talk. What actions has she taken so that she will be a safer partner in the future? She can say she will never do it again, but all the repeat offenders say that. Has she been in IC at all? Has she learned any new coping strategies or skills? Can she tell you specifically how she has shored up her boundaries so that it never happens again? She should be able to give you specific examples. Things like never talking about your M outside of the two of you is just one tiny example. How did her A start and how did she go down the slippery slope. THOSE should be the things that she puts in place so that it never happens again. Until she does she will not be a safe partner for anyone, including herself, and is just white knuckling it.

Have you read the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass? There are some excellent examples of this in that book of some things that your WW probably needs to work on in IC.

yop

Sometimes simple selfishness and stupidity are all it is, I know thats the case with my fWW.

She has no FOO issues, no abuse relationships from her past etc, she had an ideal upbringing, and I was there through a lot of it so I know...she was just being selfish and didn't plan anything long-term, just something to satisfy her selfishness in the moment...she knows this and is dealing with it.

Sometimes the why is simple, in fact I think it is far more often than not.