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I have been reeling since discovering the new harsh reality that I have to live in...that my fiance was in a EA/PA with another man she works with. I think I just need to get my story out there...

My fiance and I are in our young 30s and have been together for 12 years since college. We relocated together after leaving school and shortly after started making a life together. We have two small children and after purchasing a home a few years ago were finally ready for our big day. We were officially engaged after last Oct and have been planning our wedding for this fall.

Our situation is a little unique in that she is the sole breadwinner for the household and I have been the stay-at-home for the last 6 years. I always enjoyed working and had career aspirations of my own, but together we decided it would be best for her career trajectory and our family life for me to stay home and care for the kids. I made it a point to be very active at their school and sports. Her job is very demanding and requires travel at least a few times a year, sometimes overseas.

This last trip she returned home to a clean house and happy family and I thought all was normal after her first day at the office. That night I went to snuggle up to her (as i usually did since she is prone to falling asleep with her shows on ) when her phone buzzed with a text. I have never been a snooper or had any reason to check her phone but after turning it over and seeing her (male) coworkers name I put in her password and that's when my world exploded...

We had a huge blowout obv (although I feel i was relatively calm, which i now attribute to shock) but she begged me to stay while I was packing my suitcase. I asked her what had been going on she said that she had indeed been with this guy on their work trip. I immediately told her to text him back and let him know I read it (which she did) and that I would only stay if she 1. Tell her boss she needed to take the rest of the week off, 2. Find us MC IMMEDIATELY for the next day, 3. Get an STD test. She cried her eyes out and agreed and followed through with all requests the next day. A few days later she made another "trickle" confession that this had happened on her previous trip in Feb (DURING VALENTINES DAY WEEK). I was disgusted and heartbroken again, but I had expected that she wasn't telling me the whole truth from the beginning. She swears up and down (and to our MC) that this was the beginning. She has answered all the rest of my questions and I am fairly confident she has told me the truth.

I have been an emotional wreck since d-day and am flying between depression, indifference and anger. She has been taking the "correct" steps towards R and even spoke with her boss about needing more time away from work to be home and is not opposed to finding another job. She has also been an emotional wreck and very supportive of my emotional outbursts. I am not pushing the job relocation as hard because we have both worked and sacrificed so much for the financial position of our family, but I have told her that actions towards 100% NC is a must I struggle on giving her a timeline because I dont know how long would be appropriate. I do know I will not be able to fully heal until there is 100% NC. It is even more complicated because she is his direct superior so there could be legal implications if exposed that could prevent her from finding a lateral position within her company or in another.

She went back to the office this week and she has been forthcoming with all (very limited) interactions with the OM and has taken many steps to minimize potential contact. She texts me all day long and location sharing via our phones all day long. She also agreed (and insisted) to a daily curfew of 6:30pm. The one thing I haven't felt she has done enough of is make me feel wanted. I really felt she would be trying harder to "win" me back...maybe I'm asking too much. But some really out of the ordinary gestures or gifts would mean so much to me.

To be really honest the hardest part about this for me is the EA. After much reading and research I am intimidated by the amount of time everyone says it will take to heal (some people think NEVER) but I badly want to R with my fiance and preserve my family. She also seems committed but it is hard to believe her. I mean if she really loved me she never would have done this to me or our family right?

I am having a hard time motivating myself to do anything but sit and read on the topic and obsess about what to do. Nothing is fun or seems to matter anymore. Not even my kids activities (which were MY LIFE). I can't eat, I can't sleep and I have no interest in exercising or doing anything I used to enjoy. I have gained a lot of understanding of myself, her and our relationship up until D-day having spent hours reading anything and everything on the topic. I always look at things in a very logical way and am really hoping for R, but I still struggle with the shame of wanting to R with a WS and also with the fact that considering she hasn't changed jobs or been outed as a WS to friends and family, she hasn't really suffered any tangible consequences other than having to deal with me and go to MC. (We have even been HB like crazy since D-day!)

Thank you for reading my story. Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I will attempt to navigate this new life.

I'm so sorry you're here. I had a pretty similar discovery a couple of months ago and so I know exactly how you feel. Others will do a better job of telling you what steps you need to take but I wanted to let you know that you're not alone. You are not required to make any drastic decisions right away and in fact, I'd be extremely cautious about making decisions this quickly. You just found out and you haven't processed it yet. You're scared she's going to leave you or choose him and you can't imagine your life without her. This makes you very vulnerable to jumping into reconciliation mode too quickly. If you do this she wont learn anything other than she can get away with treating you poorly.

Hang in there. You are so much stronger than you think you are.

From past experience here, you never get the real truth the first time around.

Do some snooping, and keep it to yourself. Don't be surprised if you find it's worse than you think.

I hope I'm wrong, but history tends to repeat itself.

The next 6 months at least, you are going to be trying make sense of things your mind just doesn't want to deal with. This is a moment where those of us that plan our lives to be smooth, easy and productive to avoid all the minefields in life are tested with adversity. That is what you need to figure out how you are to deal with it.

And now the worst question someone ever ask me in my life:

Are you sure the kids are biologically yours?

There's nothing easy about this, but they're are really good people here to get you through this.

Good luck

Is her boyfriend married?

Welcome to the place you never thought you would be. There are a lot of good people on here with tons of experience. Read all the advice given, take what you need at the time, then re-read it again when you are ready for the things you weren't ready to hear the first time. The problem with the harsh advice is that a good percentage of the time it is right.

One thing that has been proven over and over again is that you can't really Reconcile if she continues to work with this guy. She needs a new job. If she continues to work with him you will never get past this. It will eat you alive with worry and concern every time she goes to work, or goes on a business trip. It will make R impossible. I know her career has always been a priority, but that is part of how you got here. If the marriage is important to her, she will find a new job.

You do need to take care of yourself. This is not a sprint, this is a marathon. You are only a very short time from Dday. This will take years to fix, if it is fixable. Some people can never get past the betrayal.

Eat, sleep, drink water, especially exercise. Take time for yourself. It will take time for the emotions to settle into a place where you can make good decisions. Until then just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your kids. You will be ok, and you will get through this. It just won't be quick..

Thank you all for the replies. They have already helped me more than you know just knowing I'm not alone and people will listen. To answer a few of the questions Yes our kids are mine and yes the OM is married. What are thoughts on outing to his wife (assuming she doesn't know)? Also she has already turned over an email from him stating he was looking for another job. So the job thing is in he process of being handled. If not, like I said I already made up my mind that unless here is 100% NC there will be no R. I just struggle on a realistic timeline for that to happen with resumes , interviews hiring processes etc. Thank you again for listening and support.

You will find that the general consensus around here is to out the WS/AP to the OBS. Obviously this is a personal decision you will have to weigh out on your own.

Speaking from my own experience, I called the OBS a few hours after I found out. This was obviously before I found Surviving Infidelity and before I had the opportunity to seek out outside advice. My fear in doing so was that he would leave his wife and then my WH and the AP would be free to be together. I also feared that he would flip out and tell everyone he knew. Turns out, it was one of the better choices I made during that initial devastating period.

OBS and I were able to compare stories and immediately WH and AP started to turn on one another in providing us with information. I think it was important that this occurred before they ever got a chance to collude/get their stories straight. Also, moving forward, it’s a relief to have another set of eyes on them.

Hurt penguin,

I am sorry but your WW is a proven lyer. The email may be a set up to buy sometime as she may want to remain in her job. Working together makes an email 100% u reliable besides that this information is sensitive and not should be written down, at least while they can talk everyday about work matters. It is a lie!

Telling OM wife is a must to kill the A, sorry again UT a WW can turn off the feeling in a blink, so a bit of consequences, causing OM marriage problems, may help keep NC between them.

I recommit the following

Find a job ASAP

Marriage out the table at least for know.

Prenuptial is a must in case you decide to married her anytime.

She must come clean to your family and hers, they will need a explanation on haw you behave in front of each other and if you call the marriage off.

Any friend or coworker that knew or enable the A must be gone like yesterday.

A poly test is a must, to make sure you know all you need and to ask other matters: previous affairs, other contacts, affair going on, other sexual encounters (be in the office is not uncommon, as well as hotel at lunch hours), if she badmouthed you, etc.

She needs to explain why you should give her a chance.

Etc.

She needs to change jobs as may be by know te gossip of the office. Also, of true, OM may not find another job in the near future.

If OM want another job why don't he asks for a different position.

Sorry but I believe you are being played.

Also believe this is not her fist tome, maybe with this OM but it won't others, (another question for the poly)..

Nite, the poly is not taken for its a curriculum but for making the WS to come clean.

Last thing, may be not the case but you should DNA test your kids, they probably are yours but thus is also part of the consequences your WW should face to realize the severity of her actions.

Goodluck

Ok, I don't typically post in the JFO section. My views on how to deal with this are not the typical advice you would get.

These are my opinions on the matter.

In no particular order:

1. Notify the OM's wife. It's just the right thing to do. She will likely give the OM other things to worry about besides your fiance.

2. Take back your ring. Make her earn it back. No longer refer to her as your fiance. Thank your lucky stars you're not married to her.

3. Consult a lawyer about custody and child support. See if what support rights you have. Know your options.

4. Give her a polygraph. Find out if this is a pattern. It clears the air a bit and eliminates TT. It also sends a message to the cheater.

5. Paternity test your kids. These hoes ain't loyal. Know for sure...

6. Stop going to MC. MC gives cheaters tools to manipulate you. It can facilitate blameshifting (it did in my case). IC is good, MC is not right now.

7. Start looking for a job. You'll likely need to support yourself sooner or later.

8. If you know this is a dealbreaker for you, don't wait 6mo or a year. GTFO and don't look back.

9. Make her do the work. Don't be the one flitting around like some crazed person trying to fix her fucked up choices.

10. Don't believe the resume or OM getting a new job bullshit until it's been verified by you. Watch her actions and do not listen to her words.

If she balks at any of this, you know where you stand. That knowledge may or may not impact your decision.

Also, know that life goes on. You're going to get through this. This too shall pass. If you split with her, you won't be forever alone, especially at your age. Drink protein shakes, walk or run, punch a heavy bag, go to the dr and get sleeping pills if necessary, do whatever it takes to get yourself through this.

I am also for outing the OM to his spouse under most circumstances. you can assume your wife has informed the OM that you know, so he is, at this very moment, scrambling to make up a story to get him off the hook, whatever that might be.

You wife will be made to look like the bad guy, crazy, a gold-digger, just misunderstood him, trying to get back at her husband, mad about something at work trying to get him in trouble, he rejected her, etc. You get the picture.

The wife will either not believe you at first (not wanting to deal with it), or more likely, as in my case, she won't be that surprised. She had a feeling something was going on, but couldn't figure it out yet.

Obviously, this phone call takes some finesse. You don't want to hurt her, or her family, but if it was reversed you would hope that she would have called you. Nobody wants to live a lie.

Don't let you WW know you are going to do this till after the fact.

And there's no big hurry, take a few days, get your act together, and let the panic sink in for him.

I did get his number and called the OM, (her boss). I did all the talking and explained I was "coming for him". Clint Eastwood would have been proud. Probably not the best thing to do legally, but I hear he was a basket case for a few days, looking over his shoulder.

I then called his wife, and explained as delicately as I could the situation. She was remarkably calm, she had suspected something and handled everything very well,....right up to the point she met him in the driveway with a loaded semi-automatic.

Hmmm, ....I didn't see THAT coming! Fortunately she couldn't get the safety off and was trying to break the side window with it when her father took it away.

And he was very much displeased at his son-in -law too,....or so the story goes.

It did end the affair.

good advice from stayedforthekids. I agree with every point.

Hello

hurtpenguin

, and welcome to SI, the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

First, take some time and read through The Healing Library (yellow section, top-left). Read through the FAQ section and then to the "Articles" tab. There's a ton of great help there.

Finding out that you've been betrayed by your significant other or spouse is a powerful shock to the system and deep trauma. It's going to take a while before you stop feeling like an emotional wreck. It does get better, with time and a little effort on your part. Eat. Sleep. Drink lots of water. Exercise. "Hit the gym." Get out there with your kids, enjoy the time with them. Focus on your recovery from this before you start to consider reconciliation.

Trickle truth is common. Waywards often believe they're sparing you from more pain, but the reverse is actually true. After D-day, lies and trickle truth quickly erode the possibly of R. Tell your fiancé that she has one chance, and one chance only, to tell you everything that happened, the entire story. Have her write out a time-line and make sure she includes anything. A few weeks after D-day, I told my FWW (formerly wayward wife) that she had one chance to spill all the beans. If I ever found out something new or different, she would wreck her one shot at R. Think of it as a formal affidavit.

And don't be surprise, btw, if a lot more truth comes out.

...I am intimidated by the amount of time everyone says it will take to heal...

Yep. Two to five years, man. It's long, long road. Or, as we like to say around here: it's a marathon, not a sprint (it's more like a decathlon if you ask me).

I cannot underestimate the importance of informing the OBS (other betrayed spouse). Tell her everything you know and how you know it. Affairs don't thrive well in the light of day. Also, be exposing the affair, you gain another set of eyes and more information. It's a great way to ensure that the OM is focusing on saving his own ass, rather than hitting your wife's. Lastly, it's the right thing to do. The OBS deserves to know the truth about her life and marriage. It's sucks to have to do something like. I found little satisfaction in informing the OBS.

In the meantime, I'd hold off on notions of R until you know for certain that your fiancé is a good candidate, will own and fix her shit, and become a good rebuilder. Have her read Linda MacDonald's "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It's a quick easy read. It was a game-changer for my FWW. As far as I know, she still keeps a copy in her purse/bag/briefcase thing.

Keep posting man. You'll get a lot good solid support and guidance here. I know, because I've been there and done that. Some of it might be a little harsh, as well. Take what resonates with you and leave the rest.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 5:23 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Thank you for even more support and more input/suggestions. I'm just taking everything in and obviously some things will be easier to do than others. Some things probably won't be done as my particular situation might call for another approach. I do appreciate all the insight and various perspectives. I feel as a rationale man I can make some pretty decent decisions even in this time of turmoil. I've always been a more black/white person, and part of the reason our relationship was not strong enough to prevent this was my own unwillingness to be emotionally available. This is something I'm learning about and can truly say I can own that part of damaging our relationship.

I will think long and hard about exposing to the OM wife though no clue how I would be able to directly contact her as we have never met.

Another question: Has anyone had experience with the NC letter/email and did you find it helpful/useless to have your WS send one with your blessing? I feel this work situation will not be figured out IMMEDIATELY, however I do want to give her a chance to comply and go through with my requests. Would be unrealistic/unfair to expect her to pick up another job with this level of pay/benefits/stocks/bonuses in a week. This will go a long way in showing to me whether her job truly is more important than our relationship and family. I've already witnessed her posting for positions and updating her resume and speaking to her boss about the potential. So far so good..Thank you again everyone!

Hurt,

Going by what you say, I would say that your wife loves you, but she allowed herself to get drawn into a secondary relationship. Not in preference to you, and not because of anything you did or didn't do.

"I mean if she really loved me she never would have done this to me or our family right?"

One of the ridiculous things about affairs is that the people who have them fall can fall into a mindset where their two relationships can co-exist, separately. They don't see that a silly, minor side relationship has the capacity to wreck their important relationship. Then, when their important life partner finds out about the secondary relationship, and threatens to go, the person having the affair realises how stupid they have been to damage the big, important relationship in their life with a less important secondary one. That sounds like what has happened with you and your fiance. She loved, and loves you, but developed feelings for the guy at work and did not have good enough boundaries to manage those feelings in a way that protected her relationship with you. However, her relationship with the guy at work does not mean that she didn't love you. This is a poor way to put it, but a design fault in human emotions means that it is possible to love one person and develop feelings for another. That is where boundaries should kick in, and call a halt to the process. In this case they didn't, which indicates not an absence of love, but an absence of boundaries.

But what happened when she thought she might lose you? She panicked, she cried, she begged. She wasn't faking that. Her absence of boundaries came back and clobbered her big time. And they still are. You say that she hasn't suffered tangible consequences, but she now wakes up every day knowing that her relationship with you, her prospective husband and father of her children, is on thin ice and that she is 100% to blame for that. That knowledge is with her all day long, every day. And she will know how she has lowered herself in your estimation, and that she may never restore herself to her former status in your heart.

None of which will make you feel any better. All I can say, from my own experience, and what many others have written in this forum, is that healing definitely does take time. It sounds like you and your fiance are indeed doing all the right things as you say, which will definitely help the process.

Outing the OM to his wife? Well, that is an option. In the forum it is often recommended as way to derail an ongoing affair, but I do not think the affair in this case is still 'live'. There is a an argument for letting the guy's wife know that he's a cheating turd, so she knows and does not continue her relationship with him in ignorance.

There is an argument to do it purely for revenge because he intruded on your relationship. It's human nature to want to get back at people who have hurt us. However, you have to bear in mind that his wife might respond by contacting the human resources department and complaining that your wife seduced her husband, and how do they feel about a boss doing that with a subordinate? In which case, both of them might get fired simultaneously. That being the case, why not set a deadline of them no longer working together in two months' time, or you inform his wife, and let the chips fall where they may?

It is good that your fiance is also applying for other jobs, because it doubles the chance of their ceasing to work together as quickly as possible.

"I still struggle with the shame of wanting to R with a WS"

There is no shame to that. This forum is chock full of people who loved, and in some cases still love, people who cheated on them. You don't fall out of love with someone in an instant, no matter what they do. You haven't fallen out of love with your wife, but because of what happened, you resent loving her. It's a horrible feeling, and we've all been there. The important thing is not to get hung up on the notion of shame. Instead, listen to your heart:

"I badly want to R with my fiance and preserve my family"

So there's your answer. As long as your fiance is working flat out to rehabilitate herself as a reliable life partner, and the stupid affair is over, you should work towards reconciliation without any negative junk like 'shame' blocking the process. There is no shame in loving a person. And please do not get diverted down the blind alley of 'self-respect' and 'not putting up with any crap', etc. Loving a fallible person does not mean you have no self-respect, or that you are a soft touch who gets walked all over (isn't the male ego a wonderful thing? How we torment ourselves with this stuff...) Leave that stuff for Schwarzenegger movies, and instead, follow your feelings.

If you do not feel valued by your fiance, or what you want is some tangible signs of that, you should bring that up in MC. I know there's the age-old argument of "If I have to tell you to do something, then it isn't coming from you", but that ignores the fact that sometimes people just don't realise what their partner needs. To you, it might be obvious, but your fiance is not a mind reader. I have a feeling that as soon as she gets an inkling that you need her to prove she loves you and thinks you are special, she will do it. She has made an effort with everything else.

It could be that she doesn't think a man has those kinds of needs, and that what you need from her is the visible destruction of the affair and everything that went with it. She may be so focused on that that it isn't occurring to her to win you back and prove that she loves you. That might even be a sign that she doesn't realise how unloved you feel because she never stopped loving you in the first place. She just let a foolish, secondary, lesser relationship develop when she should have had better boundaries and nixed it before it went anywhere.

In fact, the absence of those boundaries and the need to build them high and strong could be a good theme to pursue in MC.

In closing, I think there is a lot of potential for your relationship to recover, but you do have to give yourself time to heal. There are plenty of people here who have walked the same road you find yourself on, and they will do everything they can to support you. Take it day by day, look after your needs, and use the MC to express whatever you need or are feeling. Make them work for you!

[This message edited by M1965 at 5:59 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

The first thing you need to realize is this:

Waywards lie. Period.

As far as her not wanting you to leave, yet also not trying to win you back...well that pretty much says it all. You are her stay at home childcare provider,house cleaner upper, dinner cooker, etc, and bc of that, her career is taking off. but based on her actions, she feels no love or passion for you. So of course she doesn't want you to leave. You're taking care of the domestic duties, while another guy is taking care of her sexual needs. As long as she works with him, she's still in the affair, at least emotionally, and she'll never truly come back to you the way you want.

One of them has to go. I'd tell the OM to quit or you'll let his W know everything.

[This message edited by GoldenR at 6:11 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Her and her boyfriend could have easily staged an email about the affair. With workplace affairs you MUST work on them finding new jobs but you also must expose to her boyfriend's wife. Not only is it the right thing to do but it will kill the affair as dead as can be reasonably expected assuming you want her to find a new job.

It is also the ethical thing to do.

It is also establishing the only other person out there who will help you kill the affair dead - his wife. With that sort of full-court press it would be very difficult to carry on their relationship.

It is very easy to find her. Social media. Spokeo. I've never not found anyone by digging through the first three pages of google results.

You simply call her while they are at work and keep it super simple. Tell her who you are, that you have unfortunate news and tell her. Assure her you have proof and give her your contact #.

DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE YOU ARE DOING THIS. She will just warn her boyfriend.

If you want to end the affair this is a step that is beyond critical.

This is why you need to be in IC and not MC......

and part of the reason our relationship was not strong enough to prevent this was my own unwillingness to be emotionally available. This is something I'm learning about and can truly say I can own that part of damaging our relationship.

Nothing you did/did not do caused her to cheat. Lots of people have "not totally emotionally available" spouses. But they do not compensate by having sex with someone else.

Resist the urge to make excuses for her behaviour or defend her choices. That is rugsweeping.

Dear hurtpenguin,

I'm sorry for what has happened and hope you find the strength and help you need here.

I must say, however, that you have not done yourself or your marriage any favors by giving up your career and becoming a house husband. I realize that this is not the PC thing to say, but the truth of the matter is that most women prefer a man to take care of them rather than the other way around. So, whether you decide to R or not, you should make going back to work a priority. Not being financially dependent on your WW will also help you overcome your feelings of shame for wanting to R.

You also screwed up by not putting a ring on her finger before becoming financially dependent on her. Had you been married, she would be facing the prospect of paying you child support and alimony if you D. As it is, you'll be lucky to get child support. I know you want to R and so you may think this is irrelevant, but it factors into your WW's thinking -- she knows that if she dumps you she gets to keep most of her salary.

Just to frame these points, consider the following in statement of yours:

This last trip she returned home to a clean house and happy family and I thought all was normal after her first day at the office. That night I went to snuggle up to her (as i usually did since she is prone to falling asleep with her shows on) ...

If you'll take your feminist blinders off for a minute, you'll realize how backwards this scenario is. Your WW is the bread-winner who comes home to her domestic little hubby who cooks and cleans for her and minds her kids. All he asks for in return is to snuggle with her while she ignores him, preferring instead to watch TV. Friend, if you ever want to have a female deeply committed to you, you're going to have to do better than that in the manliness department.

Here's another good one:

She has answered all the rest of my questions and I am fairly confident she has told me the truth.

For someone who claims to be a very rational person, you sure come to strange conclusions. Your WW was cheating behind your back. If you hadn't looked at her phone, she'd be cheating still. On top of that, she trickle-truthed you. So how come you think she's telling you the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, now? Listen, all cheaters lie. It's only a matter of degree. So, until you have proof that she has been completely honest with you for an extended period of time, suspect everything she tells you. Believe what she does, not what she says.

Another mistake you've made is to decide immediately that you want to R and to jump right into MC. In effect, what you have done is tell your WW that you are so dependent on her, financially and emotionally, that all you care about is saving your marriage. This probably explains why she doesn't seem to be doing more to win you back -- she doesn't have to because you've already told her you're not leaving.

Here's the deal. The person who is less committed to preserving a relationship controls the relationship. Right now, that's your WW. You need to change that. If you were married, you could have told her that you will judge her suitability as a wife based on how hard she works to win you back and, if she doesn't work hard enough, you will dump her. As it is, I think that you should start by cancelling MC and starting to distance yourself somewhat from her by limiting conversation and spending time doing things without her. Let her know that you are not unreservedly committed to R and she will probably work a lot hard to R.

As for her continuing to work with the AP, understand that until she goes completely NC, the affair has not ended. The fact that they've stopped screwing each other (if, indeed, they have) doesn't mean the EA won't continue. Every time your WW sees him, and even more so when she talks to him, her limbic system will go into overdrive and her romantic attachment to him will be rekindled. So, if you want to R, she needs to switch jobs.

This then brings us to the issue of exposure. As general rule, there is no better way to bust up an affair than to expose to the WW's family and close friends and the AP's wife or GF. Not only does exposure force the waywards to confront the rightfully earned scorn of their friends and families, it makes it harder for them to continue the A because many more eyes are watching them. Exposure also helps satisfy the BH's rightful expectation that the WW experience consequences for her actions. Of course, you have to weigh the risk of her employer finding out and firing her over this. IIWY, I would disclose unless I were certain I wanted a D.

As for your depression, etc., you need to begin to take better care of yourself. This starts by eating a proper diet, getting enough rest and exercising. It will be hard at first and you may need to ask your doctor for a sleep aid and force yourself to eat but, believe me, nothing else will help you regain your emotional equilibrium as quickly.

Please understand that I wish you well and, if my comments seem harsh, it is because I believe, based on a lot of experience with situations like yours, that you need a wake up call. However, whether you follow any of my advice or not is less important than that you not become immobilized by fear. Devise a plan to get yourself out of this situation. Modify it as necessary to meet your goals. But keep moving forward.

Please keep posting.

Alchemy, not everyone feels the way you do.

I have been the breadwinner in my marriage because I have more earning power. Never have I taken my husband for granted! As a matter of fact, I am forever grateful that I know my children are LOVED at home rather than dealing with shit daycare like I did with my oldest!

Sorry for the thread jack Hurt Penguin but I wanted you to know that there is nothing wrong with your household set up and everything wrong with your wayward SO. It has nothing to do with you, her cheating.

I am so sorry that you find yourself here.

Edited for typo

[This message edited by Adlham at 7:40 PM, April 26th (Wednesday)]

Please inform OM wife.

My husband had an affair with a co-worker. Her husband worked for the same company. He discovered the emails between my WH and his wife, confronted both of them. They said they would stop, blah, blah, blah. He DID NOT notify me bc he didn't want to hurt me. Well, the affair went underground, they never stopped until I found out.

To this day, I truly resent him and feel he was cowardly in not giving me the opportunity to know my life was a complete lie.

His wife deserves to know. Your wife might not be his only affair partner. Her health is potentially at risk.