SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She needs to seriously address the drinking problem. Thru a real program not on her own. She probably won't take the issue seriously at first and drag her feet. You probably will have to get better video proof. If she really does black out and not remember this occurring (I have my doubts) then she should be suitably shocked when you finally present the evidence.

If she is not, then it will be in your court to decide what you can live with. Because no matter what limits you put down, she won't be able to think about meeting them if she's still drinking.

thatbpguy, you have a pm.

I always wonder why we put ourselves through so much hell by hanging on until the next thing comes along. You have all the proof you need. Just tell your W that you have proof. You don't have to say what it is. Don't ever reveal your sources.

I don't understand not revealing it to your friend though. You're only serving to help your two starcrossed lovers get away with their actions.

It's not "hot" when you are in so much pain from it. Infidelity is still infidelity.

Not to be funny but this seems kinda hot to me

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I find that offensive and sexist.

Yeah. The single most effective step is ALWAYS expose it.

There is the moral case for him deserving to know. But let's set aside that you'd want to know I it were you, that not telling is betraying him as a human/fellow man and participating in the same cover-up and lies that were used on you. But again, set it aside. There are many practical reasons to tell him.

having another pair of eyes watching out helps end it and ensure it stays ended.

Your wife and other ones we will both lie to you but chances are their stories don't exactly match and you two cross checking will help you discover the full truth.

Shock and awe works best to put you in a stronger position. Expose. Watch her scramble like a cockroach - affairs can't survive without secrets ... that's a fact. Whether you plan to do, want to r, or aren't sure - exposure in all of these carries benefits.

Hmmmm.......

Not to be funny but this seems kinda hot to me.

Wow. This is one of the reasons that same-sex cheating gets a different stigma. When two women do it...it can be viewed as "not a big deal" or "hot". If situation had been flipped and a woman walked in on her husband and another man...would it still be "hot"?

ITS CHEATING.

There sounds like a lot of denial all around, and I totally understand. My ex was cheating with men. Not only do you need to comprehend the cheating, but try and wrap your head around it is same-sex cheating.

It's easy to say, "It isn't cheating because my wife is straight!" Nope...as soon as you've stepped out of your marriage, it's cheating.

Do NOT allow these women and her husband to gaslight you. He is in serious denial and buying anything she says to try to keep their marriage intact. Denial is a strong comping mechanism.

What I heard from my ex was that alcohol allowed him to more freely do what he wanted. He knew the cheating was wrong, was trying to deny being gay, so he drank. The drinking lowered his inhibitions and Cheaty McCheaterson came out to party.

I'd guess your wife and friend are doing the same.

So, you have to deal with:

1. Alcohol issues

2. Sexuality questions

3. Cheating spouse

First step would be (in my opinion), they need to cut all contact. No more sleep overs with the friends. What is more important to your wife? Her relationship with you, or her relationship with this friend? If it is with you, she will cut contact...then get into therapy while YOU decide what YOU want.

It can be a deal breaker for you, and that is fine. You can choose to try and work it out, and that is fine.

But, if you ask them to cut contact, and your wife refuses...it'll either make your decision easier (time to walk away), or turn your life into a living hell because you will know she is spending time with her affair partner.

Good luck...KEEP POSTING!

I'd also wonder what is going on during the day when both BHs are at work. Your WW needs to get a job to do two things. 1) Take up some of that free time, and 2) Have a job in case you decide to D.

The OBH needs to see the video for proof.

Thanks you all for the great advice. I further discussed with my wife to no avail last week. I was hoping she would believe without needing to to show proof.... we have been together for a very long time, would have been nice that she trusts what I have to say to be true... so moving to plan B.

So I did finally speak to my best friend about it... he was totally clueless. Told him about the videos & voice recording... and insisted I show to him... he was dumbfounded, and also wishes to address matters. His wife had knee surgery yesterday and needs to stabilize before we all talk.

The plan is for my to show my wife the visual and audio proof by Friday,, and for him to do the same after. I hate not having shown my wife the proof first, however this at least gives me some moral support since there is absolutely no one else I can talk with regarding the matter.... except for this post of course. We will see where the chips fall.

I am sure there are multiple paths to take to address this... I am doing the best I can in addressing the whole thing.....

Sucks!

Good luck Deeply

Has she started addressing the alcohol issue?

Your story is more unique than most, but it's cheating nonetheless. And drunken cheating is still cheating.

Deeply, I think you're handling a bad situation just fine. You're being above board and honest with everyone. That's the best way to handle any situation, IMHO.

The plan is for my to show my wife the visual and audio proof by Friday,, and for him to do the same after. I hate not having shown my wife the proof first, however this at least gives me some moral support since there is absolutely no one else I can talk with regarding the matter.... except for this post of course. We will see where the chips fall.

DC,

That's not a plan.

After you show her the "proof," what are you going to say? Are you going to ask her to stop seeing the OW? Are you going to tell her that the two of you and the two of them can no longer hang out together? Are you going to ask her to stop drinking?

It's not enough to show her what she's been doing. She'll simply say, OK, I won't do that again. What you need to do is figure out the changes that need to happen to end the relationship and prevent it from being rekindled at some point, and discussing that with her to see if she will agree. If she refuses, then you will have decide whether you are willing to tolerate her affair with the neighbor lady.

As I said before, it's quite possible that, eventually, either you or they will have to move to really end the affair.

I know you probably feel shitty about dumping this on your buddy, but truthfully you already tried to broach this with your wife first and you got treated like you were crazy. Providing your friend with evidence was the next logical step and your only real option. I know this is kind of a different situation but the #1 piece of advice to stop an affair given here is informing the other betrayed spouse.

One step at a time. Great job on convincing the husband.

I agree that you are going to need to think a few more steps into the future.

First, I'd confront the women at the same time. If you don't, one will inform the other and try to do "damage control".

Second, you need to think what your boundaries are going to be once you confront. No seeing the other woman. No drinking. Therapy. She needs to be working on herself. Look into moving. She will need to decide which is more important...you or the neighbor?

Although understandable, you are still coddling your wife a bit. You are likely going to have to find some anger about this...

Good luck with confrontation. Be prepared that she will still deny, or try to minimize by saying something like, "Oh, its no big deal. We were just drunk..." NO. IT"S CHEATING.

Keep posting!

She already knows what she's doing.

^^^^ Agreed. She's just playing dumb.

I agree with cmego and that all four of you should be together when you the husbands confront them, no chance then of them colluding together to make excuses.

They may have already beaten you both to it and have their story ready for all you know, but I think you will see it in their faces and actions when you confront together, for they sure as hell know what they have been doing behind both your backs, I don't believe for one second that it is the drink that causes them not to have any recollection, I also don't believe they are lesbians, they are bi-sexual.

Why? Because lesbians don't usually want to have sex with males, the only time or reason that I have heard and have been told of that they (lesbians) want sex from a male is to “Use” him to impregnate one or both of them, they only want his sperm(it's the cheapest way for them) so they can have children like a normal family to raise, they also do not want CS from the man ever, they would not even think of marrying a man first to get children! And I have known personally quite a few lesbian coulples with and without children over the years.

Talk to your friend and confront them together is my advice.

Regards BJE49

[This message edited by BJE49 at 3:21 AM, May 18th (Thursday)]

There was another poster here a while ago that faced something very similar. The link to his thread is here:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=572375&HL=50113

Warning, it's long. There is a lot of good advice in it. Some will apply to you some won't, but I hope overall it could be helpful.

Ok.... so it's all out now.... best friend saw video, showed to to my wife, wife's girl friend has not seen it, however both had conversations with her. Her husband gave her ultimatum... and she is all screwed up about it.... can't stop crying, still stating she does not remember any of it, but acknoledges what everyone is telling her what happened.... and must have happened.... really? No need for video?, and she immediately believes? Interesting...... and regarding my wife, she saw video, and saw that something really happened.... but still seems to be in total denial.... she still states she does not remember any of it, and is now crying all the time also.... still absorbing it all....

But guess what, when i first showed her the video, her first reaction was that she was sooooo pissed. Going on and on about how it was against her rights and it was illegal to video tape without her consent, and that all of them would get together and get a lawyer, and put me to jail, etc..... she since callmed down, however still blames me for the whole thing.... yes... according to her, EVERYTHING is my fault, and it was because of me that the whole thing probably happened.... REALLY?

She also states that i should have been more convincing when i first approached her verbally...and should not have needed vidoeo proof.... no comments there.... i was pretty graphic in my descriptions of details.... and would just not believe me.... stating i was lying and just wanted to control her.... etc.... in summary, she woudl have never acknoledged anything without video proof... period.

PS. MY best friend is very happy i took video.... stating that no one can ague the facts.... i must agree.

... wife also blames me for creawing everything up with every one..... yes.... everything is now a reall HUGE mess for all families....... their marriage will most likely survive.... but the trust is totally gone. My wife is sooooo screwed up, and i am not sure our marrige will survive.... very long road ahead for all.... everything is sooooo messed up for everyone.... video is causing soooo much dammage for everyone.

Facing facts is soooo tough for everyone.... and no one deals with it the same way.... and some i guess just can't deal with it at all.

Blameshifting 101. Remember none of it is your fault. It was her decision to cheat. She's just embarrassed she got called out. She thought there was no way you could prove it and now it's out.

She's the one that caused this mess. Her and the other woman, not you.