SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'll post here as well.

I confirmed my suspicions on May 2 by reading my wife's emails. She had emotional and physical affair with former co-worker. Emotional at least since September 2016 and physical since December 2016. I'm less concerned about the physical affair at least at this point.

So far there has been only IC, which I didn't find particularly helpful, but I think I'll try at least another session before seeking another IC. MC will need to wait for bit later.

I haven't found any of the peer stories to resonate with me at all. Maybe I'm looking too hard for similar stories to mine and maybe I should just accept that my story is just another stereotypical betrayed spouse story. What scares me the most is to come to realize this and that would mean that my wife is in fact exactly what she is based on her actions in the last 4-8 months and not what I thought she is in the 11 years leading to the affair.

I welcome all comments even if many of them tend to just feed my doubts.

EDIT: I should add that I did cheat my ex-girlfriend before meeting my wife and also cheated on her with my wife (girlfriend at the time). We have both been approached by opposite sex many times, but always shared these encounters and had a good laugh...because you know, we would never step out.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 1:26 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

Life is a marathon, not a sprint, so don't rush into anything. The old saying is true that the truth can be an extremely bitter pill to swallow. Most BS's would like to think their story is different and that surely their WS is not like the others. The truth is they are. Others will be along to give you very good advice. The consensus opinions here are right probably 95% of the time so the only advice I'll give you is to listen to them even if it seems counter-intuitive.

When you are ready tell us your story.

Every situation is unique but many of the circumstances are eerily common. Hence the almost 60,000 plus members here.

No one knows your pain but you but we all relate.

It might help you to write it all out and convey what you are struggling with.

(((hugs)))

Was your wife cheating when you met her or only you?

So you cheated on your previous girlfriend with your current wife. And your current wife just cheated on you. Do I have that correct?

Yup, you got that right. I guess what goes around comes around...

What are you looking for in peer stories? The fact that you cheated with your now wife on someone else? What do you feel is different about your situation?

Just curious as this may help others be able to add relevant perspective to your situation.

How is your WW acting or behaving now? Does she know you know?

Sorry you are here.

I haven't found any of the peer stories to resonate with me at all. Maybe I'm looking too hard for similar stories to mine and maybe I should just accept that my story is just another stereotypical betrayed spouse story. What scares me the most is to come to realize this and that would mean that my wife is in fact exactly what she is based on her actions in the last 4-8 months and not what I thought she is in the 11 years leading to the affair.

Buster, your story is as unique as you and your WW. Infidelity, unfortunately, isn't terribly unique. Despite all of the differences between us all, for the most part, stories of infidelity are SSDD (same shit, different day).

I guess what goes around comes around...

When it comes to infidelity, deserve has got nothing to do with it.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 10:17 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

What scares me the most is to come to realize this and that would mean that my wife is in fact exactly what she is based on her actions in the last 4-8 months and not what I thought she is in the 11 years leading to the affair.

Reality here, Buster, is that the truth is somewhere in between. The woman you took as your wife and the marriage you thought you had don't exist anymore. After infidelity, those two things are a distant memory.

I never thought my wife would be capable of having an affair. Seemed completely out of her character. But the woman who I thought had amazing integrity, threw that all away with the lying, cheating & sneaking around.

Now, we are rebuilding. Rebuilding something that didn't exist before. I used to have my wife on a pedestal. Now, I realize that she is just as much a flawed, sinful human as I. We are on equal footing & all our cards are laid out on the table.

As Unhinged said, our situations are as unique as our relationships. But every case of infidelity does have 80-90% similarities. Many things are very predictable, though handling them is a unique opportunity.

There's a saying around here to "take what you need & leave the rest." Remember it. It will come in handy.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 10:09 PM, May 16th (Tuesday)]

I guess I was hoping to find peer stories for identical stories. I found a "case study" in Not Just Friends to describe very closely how the affair evolved and was hoping to find something from the real world.

And I did confront my wife few minutes after I was done reading the emails. She informed the AP that same day that their relationship, of any sort, is over. She has taken my outbursts and anger without push back.

I did push my wife last night about her happiness in our marriage in the last years. She keeps repeating that she has been very happy for at least the past 5 years. She told me that she will not allow me to take any blame for what she did. Her voiced opinion is that she brought this shitstorm to our life and she made the decisions that risk everything we have.

Anyway, every day seems to be better than the previous day. I'll enjoy this for now.

EDIT: The subject line should probably read 2 weeks in.

[This message edited by BusterMcBust at 8:38 AM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

All I have to say is to be very careful, after all you are only 2 weeks in. I have never seen a WW get it after only 2 weeks out. Your WW had to do a lot of lying to cover it up for 6 months give or take. Please don't rugsweep and do your due diligence. Watch her actions... NOT her words. Lying and cheating go hand in hand.

She keeps repeating that she has been very happy for at least the past 5 years.

If she was so euphoric in the marriage why did she cheat?

Your WW words were phrased as if she were a member here. Her words were worded to tickle your ears. Please don't be deceived. Make VERY sure your WW has no access to your account here as this could make it extremely dificult for you. It wouldn't be the first time.

All she has been able to come up with are that she did it because it appeared exciting and was greedy and selfish to go after it. She claims to have been under huge stress and she is happy that this stress is over.

I have never noticed any selfish or greedy characteristics in her, quite the opposite.

Do you have children? Did you contact the OM wife? That is the fastest way to make sure affair is dead. Is your WW NC with OM? Did your WW leave the job?

Get you and your WW tested for disease.

[This message edited by Marriagesucks at 9:36 AM, May 17th (Wednesday)]

All she has been able to come up with are that she did it because it appeared exciting and was greedy and selfish to go after it. She claims to have been under huge stress and she is happy that this stress is over.

I guess my question would be, what will prevent this from happening again? There will always be stress and temptation. Why such weak marriage boundaries?

We have kids. Wasn't planning on contacting OM. I guess in my mind NC applies to me too and I'm worried about concequences of contacting OM.

The boundaries were openess and honesty. It was all open until it wasn't and I failed to catch that. Boundaries will be different going forward.

All she has been able to come up with are that she did it because it appeared exciting and was greedy and selfish to go after it.

She blew-up her life, your life, and possibly the lives of her children, because she wanted a little excitement? Yikes! That's shallow.

Happy people don't cheat. She needs to dig into the real "why" or you can't fix it. IC for her. A good one. One that has experience with this type of thing.

I know it's shallow and that's one thing that is surprising, confusing and disappointing. Opportunity presents itself and she gives in to excitement. She has never displayed any of the characteristics that were present during the affair. I will likely be hypersensitive to anything in future.

AP left the work. She still works there and I don't see any reason for her to quit.

There should be an NC letter sent to OM that you oversee and approve. Also your WW gets NO last farewell phone calls... period. As far as contacting the OM wife is because she needs to know too, and to have herself checked for std's. Plus you have two sets of eyes watching them. Affairs like this seldom go away instantly. Sometimes they go underground, via apps., throwaway phones, you name it, it's been done.

Wasn't in your original post about AP leaving the workplace. Thanks for the clarification.