IIT,
“I want to add some information I don't know that it really makes a difference but it makes the situation hard for me.”
Actually, what you post does add a lot to what you have written. I think what makes the situation hard for you is not so much your wife’s past as her response to problems, which is basically avoidance, denial, and repression.
For example:
“My wife's junior high school she was brutally raped. This is not something she's willing to talk about ever.”
When I was young, I remember there were plenty of World War 2 veterans around who would never talk about what they had gone through, because it was too horrible. But if they were still waking up at 2 a.m., forty years later, screaming, and trying to strangle their wife (as many were), then silence and repression clearly weren’t solving anything. I think we can all sympathise and understand why it must be a horrible wound to scratch, but if that experience still causes your wife issues, opening up about it with you might go some way towards slaying the dragon.
“This is not something she is willing to seek counseling for. I have tried for years to no avail she will not discuss the situation with me beyond very basics.”
There’s avoidance here, to the point of shutting out a loved one who wants to help.
“He was her rock during this time. And I know for a fact He knows very intimate details about what happened to her that she will absolutely not share with me I have tried for years.”
I think an issue here is that although it seems she was willing to share a lot of stuff with him that she will not share with you, this may not be the case. Do not forget that if he was there in the period when it all happened, there would have been police reports and a lot more examination of what occurred, and she may have been too shocked or traumatised to have her shields up. Had he not been there at the time, it is possible that he would have met the same wall of silence that you face.
“After this happened she got addicted to drugs and this was a dealbreaker for him…He asked her to stop she refused and he moved away.”
Drugs = escape = avoidance. And the thing is, when her “Rock” asked her to stop, what did she do? She refused. Even if it cost her their relationship, escape and avoidance was paramount in her mind, and more important than him. Can you see some parallels here with her grabbing her stuff and running off into a locked room when you want to discuss problems with her? Avoid, deny, repress. Much easier than actually dealing with issues, if you don’t count the relationships it damages.
“I guess her mom has been aware that they have been in contact for at least 2 1/2 years and is incredibly supportive of their friendship.”
I think that the key word there is “friendship”. If her mom was aware that the “friendship” seems to be developing into a fixation that is causing her daughter’s husband and the father of her grand-children stress and anxiety about the security of the marriage, mom might be a little more concerned that it should not exceed the bounds of “friendship”.
“On one hand I don't want to be the asshole who takes away the one person that she's willing to discuss this with but on the other hand definitely been married for 20 years she should be willing to discuss this with me or a therapist i'm not trying to be in denial him this could be some of her secretive behavior in their plan but she does not want to discuss this topic with me.”
How often do you think they actually talk about the rape that occurred more than twenty years ago? If your wife feels it is too horrible to revisit with you, do you really think they discuss it very much? Honestly, I would be surprised if they do. I’m guessing that it wasn’t the “Rock” who told you that he is the only one she can open up to, and if it was your wife, it does make a solid justification for the need for contact, doesn’t it? Very hard to take issue with that one without looking like the bad guy. But here’s the thing; by shutting out her husband of twenty years and paying so much attention to another man, isn’t she straying into bad girl territory? I am not saying that in a condemnatory way, my point is that her avoidance and actions have put you into a lousy place, and you are the one worrying about doing the ‘wrong’ thing. She seems to do a lot less self-examining than you do, because if she did, she would realise that she is not being fair or loving to you. What you want is not to cut all contact with the friend, but for that contact to remain within appropriate boundaries for a married woman and mother of children to observe. There is nothing bad or unreasonable in that, but – as with everything else – your wife’s response is avoidance, and doing what she wants.
Which raises another point: does she have a selfish or self-centered nature? I ask because in the current situation, she is doing what she wants and ignoring your needs and anxiety. Back in relationship with the friend, she ignored his feelings about drugs and did what she wanted, to the point of driving him away. She seems to have a history of this kind of thing, coupled with a refusal to discuss or explain what she is doing. It’s like there’s a streak of arrogance in her, where she disregards others’ feelings, does what she wants, and feels no obligation to explain herself. I may be wrong, but it’s like the thing where she handed her phone to you with a smirk. Why a smirk? What’s going on in her head to smirk when her husband of twenty years is stressed out? It smacks of arrogance or disdain in a situation where she ought to have been concerned, not snarky.
Don’t beat yourself up, IIT, you have been put into an abnormal situation by a spouse who seems to be so focused on her own feelings that is precludes her from caring about the feelings of those around her. If the ‘vibe’ I get from your post is right, I cannot help wondering if she was Mommy and Daddy’s little princess, somewhat spoilt, who always got what she wanted. It would explain her disregard for the anxiety of others, and her somewhat child-like response of grabbing her stuff and running off to a locked room. People do that when they are nine years old, not married mothers of four.
“I'm going to buy her the book not just friends and go from there and maybe I'm naïve but I not sure she realizes she's doing anything wrong.”
Sounds like a good plan, and I don’t think you’re being naïve at all. You’re in a tough situation. You seem to be dealing with someone who ignores the anxiety of those around her; who sees self-indulgence and doing what she wants as the ‘right’ thing; and who views anyone who questions or interferes with her self-indulgence as a nuisance. Is it any wonder that you aren’t sure of what the right approach is?
In terms of books, you could try reading one called, “No More Mr Nice Guy”, which is available as a free download in pdf format here:
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf
I also think that Stevesn makes a very good point about reaching out to her family and explaining that the relationship your wife is having with her ‘friend’ is threatening the marriage, and that she does not seem to care. See if any of them are prepared to be supportive to you (maybe her brother?) They may not be – avoidance might be a family trait – but there is no harm in spreading the word about what is going on, and trying to prevent this from going any further.
I wish you well with this, and we are all rooting for you.
